WWF Slammy Awards (March 21, 1997)

 

Original Airdate: March 21, 1997

From Chicago, Illinois; Your Hosts are Vince McMahon and Jerry Lawler, with Todd Pettengill as the emcee. Duh. Who else? He was born to do this

Todd opens the show, as he did the year before, with a musical number highlighting various wrestlers. I remain a sucker for these, though I’ll admit that I remember the 1996 lyrics better. Steve Austin sitting there stonefaced, not playing along even a little, is classic Austin, and part of why he got over so big

Ahmed Johnson is out to present New Sensation of the Squared Circle, but he refuses to read the teleprompter, because he’s ‘not a puppet.’ Are we sure that it’s just not because he can’t, you know, read? The nominees are: Rocky Maivia, Steve Austin, Mankind, Marc Mero, and Flash Funk. Rocky wins, and honestly, this was a strong field. I mean, obviously not everyone became a massive star, but you have three of the biggest stars of the Attitude Era - and two of the biggest of all time, to boot. Rocky gives a humble, classy speech, nothing like the Rock we’d come to know. Todd notes that Austin came in second, so Steve comes onto the stage to cut a promo on people for messing up, and he cuts a fired up promo on Rocky. Yeah, that could be something, maybe

Miss Slammy is still open for voting on the Hotline, and the nominees are Sunny, Sable, Marlena, Chyna, and the Funkettes

Honky Tonk Man and Cindy Margolis are out to present Dressed to Kill, with nominees Shawn Michaels, Sable, Marlena, Undertaker, and Flash Funk. Honky keeps calling her by the wrong name, and apparently she’s Rocky’s date. Sable wins, but Marc Mero wants to cut some of her promo for her

The Nation of Domination bust into the ballroom, making a show of arriving to their table late

Superfans Adam and George are up to present Best Tattoo, with nominees Undertaker, Shawn Michaels, Crush, Drew Barrymore, and Tommy Lee. Mixing random celebrities in feels like a desperate attempt at relevance, especially since none of them are actually in attendance. Undertaker wins, and George literally pisses in his pants at the sight of him. Lawler finds this to be the funniest thing he’s ever seen, by the sound of his uncontrolled laughter

The Funkettes are out to do their portion of the talent competition for Miss Slammy, which is them dancing. I know, I was shocked, too

Jim Ross is out to present Match of the Year, with nominees: Bret Hart v Steve Austin at Survivor Series; Bret Hart v Shawn Michaels at WrestleMania XII; Undertaker v Mankind at SummerSlam; Steve Austin v Savio Vega at In Your House: Beware of Dog; and Shawn Michaels v Mankind at In Your House: Mind Games. The Iron Man match wins, though this probably should have gone to Michaels/Mankind, or Hart/Austin. Bret and Shawn both come up to accept, and manage not to kill each other. Though, Shawn acts like a little shit, no surprise

The Legion of Doom are out to present Best Hair, with nominees: Shawn Michaels, Hunter Hearst Helmsley, Mankind, Bret Hart, and Steve Austin. Was Shawn nominated for every award? HHH wins, and uses his time to threaten Pettengill for implying that Chyna has a penis during his opening number. Gosh, can you imagine someone attacking a comedian during an award ceremony over a joke? 

WrestleMania 13 ad

Captain Lou Albano and Sunny are out to present the Loose Screw award. Well, Sunny certainly knows about screwing. The nominees are: Sycho Sid, Mankind, Steve Austin, Bob Backlund, and Kramer. Points off for not using his first name. Mankind takes this one, and thanks Aldo Montoya, in a funny bit

Marlena presents a video for the talent competition, where she smokes various cigars while blindfolded, and guesses what they are

Owen Hart is out to present Best Bow Tie, but gets so excited to have the trophy in his hand that he steals it for himself

Sable presents a video for the talent competition, where she does karate 

Jesse James joins the house band to sing his latest song: Something Gone Wrong. I don’t remember this one at all. Like, not even a little. And they usually pushed stuff like this on TV ad nauseam, so I’m guessing this was very, very quickly abandoned

Dok Hendrix and John McNally (a record executive who worked on Full Metal) are out to present Best Entrance Music, with nominees: Undertaker, Sunny, Flash Funk, the Nation of Domination, and Jesse James. Undertaker wins, which is a joke. Kind of a weird crop of nominees anyway. Luckily, no one pisses their pants this time, at least

Sunny is out to start the swimsuit portion of the competition, despite never doing anything in the talent segment. I guess her talents weren’t suitable for television. Chyna is supposed to be out next, but HHH withdraws her from the competition, since she’s above that sort of thing. Yeah, just don’t Google her. And then Hunter makes the same joke I just did about Sunny’s ‘talent,’ only he adds a meanspirited line about how his ‘best friend said she’s not very good at that anyway.’ Brutal. The Funkettes are out next in their swimsuits, and they’re suddenly far more reserved. Marlena is next, complete with cigar. Poor Jose Lothario appears to be on the verge of a heart attack. Sable is last, looking like a Florida stripper. Sable’s was the most revealing, and probably made the biggest splash. It was pretty risque for this early in 1997, but we’re basically at the onset of the Attitude Era here

Brian Pillman is out to present Best Finishing Maneuver, but, sadly, whatamaneuver is not nominated. Instead, we get Shawn Michaels' superkick, Marc Mero's flying shooting star press, Sycho Sid's powerbomb, Steve Austin's stunner, and Bret Hart's sharpshooter. Pillman mocking all the acceptance speeches thus far is funny stuff. Shawn wins again, and makes sure to taunt Bret once more

Vince and Jerry hit the stage to present Best Couple, with nominees Goldust and Marlena, Marc Mero and Sable, Hunter Hearst Helmsley and Chyna, Bill Clinton and Hillary Clinton, and Siegfried and Roy. Fast forward to 2025, and only one of those couples is still standing. Goldust and Marlena win, though. And have nothing to say in their speech

Chyna presents a video of her lifting weights for her talent portion of the contest

Sunny presents her talent video, which is just her theme song’s music video

Bob Backlund and Mancow Muller are out to present the Larry Flint Freedom of Speech award, with nominees: Faarooq, Jerry Lawler, Steve Austin, Paul E. Dangerously, and Howard Stern. Mancow flips out about Stern getting a nomination, and we get a weird bit where Bob nearly gets into a fight with Mancow’s entourage. I’m not sure if that was a work, it looked pretty intense. Austin wins, and beats up Doink the Clown to celebrate 

Walter Payton is out to present Star of the Highest Magnitude, with nominees: Bret Hart, Sycho Sid, Steve Austin, Undertaker, and Shawn Michaels. Payton reminding Shawn about their clash back at SummerSlam ‘94 is a nice touch. Undertaker wins

Dok Hendrix shills the WrestleMania 13 denim jacket and hockey jersey

Gorilla Monsoon and Sycho Sid are out to present Arnold Skaaland with a Lifetime Achievement Award. Sid is basically out here so he can cut a promo on Undertaker, while Gorilla gives a classy tribute to Skaaland. That felt like such an odd clash. A nice moment here

Todd presents Miss Slammy to Sable, and I’m guessing the extremely annoyed look on Sunny’s face is not acting

BUExperience: I feel like I may never have seen this before. I remember nothing from it, unlike the 1996 version. Anyway, it was great.