WWE Insurrextion (June 2003)

From Newcastle, England; Your Hosts are Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler

Opening WWE Women's Title Match: Jazz v Trish Stratus: Trish is looking really good here, though that might just be relative to Jazz. They trade off on the mat to start, and Trish hooks a magistral cradle for two, then a victory roll for two. Rolling clotheslines gets two, and a dropkick is worth two. She unloads a series of chops so weak that Teddy Long is forced to interfere just to stop them, and Jazz stunguns her for that bullshit. Bodyslam sets up a legdrop for two, and Jazz chinlocks her. Snap suplex gets two, and a legwhip sets up a Boston crab, but Trish makes the ropes to escape. Jazz responds by choking her down, but gets caught with a neckbreaker, and Trish hits her handstand rana for two. Chick Kick gets two, but Jazz counters the Stratusfaction with a side suplex for two. Another Chick Kick, but Jazz catches the leg and counters into another crab, but Trish reverses! She shifts into an STF to stop Jazz from getting the ropes, but Victoria runs out, and the distraction allows Long to interfere again - posting Stratus for Jazz to pin at 9:51. This was really long for a Women's match from this era, and while the effort and pacing was fine, the sloppiness is a lot harder to tolerate for ten minutes than three. ¾*

WWE Intercontinental Title Match: Christian v Booker T: Long stall session to start, as Booker tosses him around, and Christian threatens to walk over it. The action speeds up as Booker works a headlock, and hits a slingshot for two. Christian works a chinlock for a long time, but Booker escapes, and hits a diving forearm. Sidewalk slam gets two, and a missile dropkick is worth two. Christian tries the Unprettier, but Booker counters into a rollup, which is then reversed by Christian for the pin at 15:12 - while using the ropes for leverage. Total house show garbage. This wasn't even half-assed, it was quarter-assed. DUD

World Tag Team Title Match: Kane and Rob Van Dam v La Resistance: RVD starts with Rene Dupree, and controls with armdrags, but the challenger manages to hide in the ropes to avoid the lightning kicks. Rob monkeyflips him into a tag to Sylvain Grenier, but he walks right into a spinheel kick, and Kane tags in to abuse him in the corner. Neat spot, as Rob hits a standing moonsault on Grenier, then immediately keeps rolling into a rolling thunder on Dupree to clean house. Rob follows them out with a somersault plancha (called a 'somersault plunge up' by the Network's always entertaining closed captioning system), but runs into a cheap shot on the way back in, and gets worked over. Kane gets the tag, and comes in hot. Four-way brawl, and the Five Star Frogsplash retains at 9:03 - which the crowd digs big. Decent, if unspectacular. *

Goldust v Rico: Rico runs away for a while to start, scared to tie-up with Goldust. Wow, when Goldust looks tough next to you, it's time to rethink your gimmick. The only guy who could get away with that is Lanny Poffo. Maybe. Goldust gets hold of him, and armdrags him down for some armbarring. Rico escapes, and elbowdrops him to setup a full-nelson. Hey, at least he's bringing the heat in terms of resthold quality. You never see the full-nelson! Criss cross ends with Goldust missing a bodypress and falling out of the ring, and inside Rico gets two off of it. Much choking follows. Like, seriously, the next two or three minutes are an extended chokehold - which is not only physically impossible, but also not very nice. Rico misses a nice flying moonsault to allow Goldust a bulldog for two, but Rico uses the referee as a human shield to avoid the Shattered Dreams. Goldust butt-bumps him instead for two, but takes a stungun in the corner while trying a ten-punch, and Rico neckbreakers him for two. Cross corner whip, but Goldust rebounds out with a crisp powerslam for the pin at 9:52. I know this is a UK show, but even on a house show this match would equal a piss break. ½*

Six-Man Tag Team Match: The Dudley Boyz v Christopher Nowinski, Rodney Mack, and Teddy Long: I've been watching the first season of Tough Enough for the first time on the Network, so it's nice to have some context for Nowinski, finally. D-Von Dudley starts with Mack, and they trade nearfalls on the mat. D-Von armdrags him into an armbar, so he passes to Nowinski. Chris quickly gets outclassed on the mat, and decides he'd rather deal with Bubba Dudley. That doesn't end well for him. 'Stuff' 'happens' and eventually a six-way brawl breaks out - Teddy Long eating the pinfall at 9:17. DUD

Scott Steiner v Test: Stacy Keibler acts as the guest ring announcer for this, and thank God, because this show needs all the help it can get to hold my attention. Also, Sean Morley acts as the special guest referee, borrowing Shawn Michaels' bike shorts from 2000. Test attacks while Scott is busy making time with chicky mcgee, but runs into Steiner's clothesline/elbowdrop combo. Pushups result. It's weird seeing Scott in the long tights, and Test in the short. Both guys look wrong that way. Test suckers him into a chase, and unloads elbows in the corner as they re-enter, and a bootchoke. Cross corner clothesline and a lariat for two, and Test grounds him with a chinlock, but Scott escapes with an overhead suplex. Northern lights suplex and a series of chops setup a belly-to-belly suplex for two, but he walks into a cobra slam for two. Big boot gets two, so Test grabs a chair, but Stacy takes it away, and Steiner hits the Flatliner for the pin at 6:49. Nothing special, but at least it was energetic, and not painfully dull, like a lot of the rest of this show has been. *

Main Event: World Heavyweight Title Street Fight: Triple H v Kevin Nash: They should have just made him 'Diesel' again. They were already dressing him in the Diesel gear, and honestly, that might have given this run a bit of a nostalgia boost, at least. Nash destroys him, and knocks him to the floor right away, but runs into a cheapshot from Ric Flair out there. That triggers a brawl between Flair and Shawn Michaels, with Ric doing an unnecessarily gory bladejob. Come on, we're less than two minutes into the match, do we really need a bladejob from the fucking corner guys? Everyone brawls on the outside, with Nash backdropping HHH on the ramp, while Shawn and Ric brawl to the back. That kinda makes that whole bladejob even MORE pointless. I mean, why bother? It doesn't lend to the match, and it's disgusting, frankly. They brawl back to the ring, where Nash elbowdrops him for two, but gets his knee clipped while trying a slam. HHH does it again, as JR gets into how both guys have torn their quads over the last year. Man, as much of a shell that JR was by 2003, he's still better than anyone they've got today when it comes to adding in bits of realism. HHH wraps his challengers leg around the post, but ends up getting rammed into the steps for his efforts. Nash brings the steps into the ring with him for some more abuse, and Hunter blades off of them. Sidewalk slam gets two, and hits a big boot - bumping the referee in the process. Why? It's a Street Fight! Powerbomb, but Hunter blows him low, as Flair runs back out with a chair. Wow, thank God the referee is down, or else that might have been a DQ. HHH whacks him with it for two, and they double-team the challenger until Michaels returns to make the save. Was he taking a shit until then? Superkick neutralizes Flair, but one on Hunter misses, and Shawn takes a Pedigree. That allows Nash enough time to recover, and the Powerbomb hits for two, when Flair pulls the referee out. Nash kills him, but the distraction allows HHH to sneak up with a sledgehammer to retain at 14:58. Not a great (or even good, really) match, but at least it was exciting, and not just an endless exhibition of restholds. * ¼

BUExperience: When Scott Steiner and Kevin Nash are competing for best match of the night honors, it’s time to pack it in.

DUD