WWE Royal Rumble (January 2015)

From Philadelphia, Pennsylvania; Your Hosts are Michael Cole, John Bradshaw Layfield, and Jerry Lawler

Opening Match: The New Age Outlaws v The Ascension: Really? The NAO in 2015? It's crazy, because FIFTEEN YEARS AGO they were stale. And normally, I'd get that this is a one-time nostalgia thing and let it go, but let's not forget that they were actually pushed to the damned tag titles less than a year ago. Billy Gunn dominates Viktor in the early going, but Jesse James gets caught in the wrong corner, and Ascension cut the ring in half. What kind of rub is beating up two washed up old guys supposed to give these guys, anyway? I don't remember them booking Demolition to have to go back and squash the Valiant Brothers to get over. Gunn gets the hot tag for a four way brawl, and Billy takes the Fall of Man at 5:21. Nothing, but at least the right team went over. I wouldn't have been at all surprised if they put the Outlaws over here. DUD

WWE Tag Team Title Match: Miz and Damien Mizdow v The Usos: I really hope that wherever this Miz/Mizdow angle is going, they pull the trigger on it sooner than later, because Mizdow is fucking great, but if they don't advance the story, the joke will be over, and they'll be left with nothing but yet another unover midcarder. Miz gets killed while Mizdow kills himself to entertain the fans with his copycat routine - and succeeds. Seriously, I know this character isn't destined for the World Title, but do something with him, and do it soon. Miz takes control and cuts the ring in half with a chinlock, but doesn't have any interest in tagging out. That doesn't seem like the best strategy for tag team wrestling, but who am I to question the wrestling psychology of the fucking Miz? Brawl breaks out, and everyone dog piles on the floor. Back in, Miz nearly scores the pinfall with the Skull Crushing Finale, but it only gets two. He runs into a superkick, and the Usos retains with a powerbomb/flying splash combo at 9:22. Nothing we haven't seen, literally, a hundred times before. ½*

The Bella Twins v Paige and Natalya: I actually watch Total Divas, and even I'm not sure what they're fighting about here. Besides, everything that happens on that show is taped months and months before it airs, so either they're just really patient, or maybe this whole wrestling thing is fake. Nikki Bella starts with Paige, and dominates her, but ends up in the wrong corner, and Nattie hits a flying bodypress for two. Meanwhile, the announcers are concerned over which Bella is older. That could be important! Paige and Natalya deliver a tandem hanging vertical suplex on Brie Bella for two, but the Bellas quickly take over, and cut the ring in half on Nattie. I get that they're trying to get 'Brie Mode' over as a thing, but if I remember my Total Divas history correctly (and I'd like to think that I do), that's when Brie is basically blackout drunk, and I've seen Heroes of Wrestling enough times to know that isn't advantageous. Is she trying to trigger some sort of flashback via Nattie's father, or something? The Bellas continue to absolutely destroy Nattie, until Nikki misses a charge in the corner. Paige nearly gets the tag, but Brie pulls her off of the apron to prevent it, and Nikki blasts Nattie with a forearm for the pin at 8:17. A little long for a Divas match, but not entirely terrible, or anything. *

WWE World Heavyweight Title Triple Threat Match: Brock Lesnar v John Cena v Seth Rollins: Cena's got some very Razor Ramon-esque colors going tonight. Considering Razor's track record at Rumble events over the years, that may not be the best homage. Not that there's anything wrong with that! Seth immediately bails as Brock German suplexes John, and tries sneak attacking while Brock delivers a second, but gets scooped into the F5 - saved by his henchmen. Brock responds by double-suplexing both of them simultaneously, but that allows Cena to sneak in - Brock shoving him into a kick from Rollins to stop an FU, then catching Seth for a few kneelifts. Another German for Cena leaves both challengers in a heap, but Brock wants more, and snap suplexes John-boy. Brock unloads a bunch more suplexes on both guys (alternating between the two) to leave both guys dizzy, then capitalizes by slapping an armbreaker on Cena - Rollins breaking it up with a missile dropkick before Brock can score the submission. He tries to capitalize, but gets killed, though it allows John to recover enough to FU Brock - Seth diving into a cover for two. Double-teaming Lesnar ends with both challengers getting tossed out of the ring, and back inside, Brock goes for the rolling Germans on Cena - Seth saving with a superkick. High knee knocks Lesnar out of the ring, but John grabs Seth before he can capitalize - hitting a Michinoku driver for two. Brock's back with an F5 on Seth for two, but that allows John to grab him for three FUs - for two! Seth takes advantage with a Curb Stomp on Lesnar for two, and John dumps the champ - using the steps to put him on the announce table. Rollins cuts Cena off with a baseball slide, then puts Brock through the table himself with a flying elbowdrop - less looking for a pinfall, and more hoping just to incapacitate Lesnar so he has a shot at beating Cena. With Brock down, Seth quickly cradles Cena on the way back in for two, then adds a superkick for two. The clock is ticking! Stinger splash gets countered into the FU, but Seth counters into a rana, countered back into a sitout powerbomb from John for two. Good sequence. John tries a superplex, but gets sunset bombed all the way into the opposite corner for two. That was really fucking cool. Curb Stomp looks to finish, but John counters into an STF - Seth saved by the goons again. Rollins powerbombs Cena for two as EMTs tend to Lesnar on the floor, and he grabs the briefcase, but gets backdropped over the top. John delivers a neat double-FU for the goons, then one for a recovering Seth for two. Are they trying to kill Cena's finisher tonight, or something? Both guys stagger up for a slugfest, and John controls into another FU, but Rollins manages to counter into an enzuigiri, and execute the Stomp for two. Out of options, Seth takes a big risk, and hits a crazy corkscrew 450 splash to finish, but Brock knows a thing or two about trying stuff like that in big match situations, and suddenly rushes back in - grabbing Rollins with a German suplex before he can cover! Brock! One for Cena too, so Seth snags the case and bashes Lesnar's face in twice. Stomp, but Brock pops up, and F5s Rollins to retain at 22:40. Arnold may be going into the Hall of Fame this year, but it's fucking Brock who's the real terminator. Awesome power stuff from Lesnar here, though I question the strategy of building a guy up THIS strong when he's leaving for UFC anyway. They must really be ALL in on Reigns. ***

Main Event: #1 Contenders Royal Rumble Match: Ninety second intervals this year. Miz and R-Truth start. Aww, but what does this mean for my dream of seeing Miz headline another WrestleMania?!? Bubba Ray Dudley draws #3, which everyone treats like a really big deal. I dunno, maybe it's just 'cause I'm not particularly nostalgic for the Dudley Boyz or anything, but it's just a fat guy in his 40s. He subs Truth in for D-Von by hitting Miz with the Wassup Drop, then sends Truth for the tables. Again, he's getting old. Maybe he just saw a black guy, and figured it WAS D-Von. At least I'm hoping that was it, or else we have to confront what are likely much more disturbing issues as to why Bubba feels the need to boss around any black guy he crosses paths with. He ends up tossing both Miz and Truth before any tables get broken, however, and Luke Harper gets #4. Bray Wyatt gets #5, and they work together to get rid of Dudley in short order. #6 is Curtis Axel, but he gets jumped by Erick Rowan, and beat down before ever making it to the ring. Well, okay. Boogeyman draws #7, but immediately gets tossed by Bray. Well, that was money well spent. #8 is Sin Cara, who also gets almost immediately tossed by Bray. I hope they at least saved a couple of bucks, and just sent Miz out there under the mask, or something. They should just start masking all of the wrestlers, and then Kane and Big Show can wrestle literally the entire card every night. Zack Ryder draws #9, but also gets immediately tossed by Bray. I didn't even know he was still employed, honestly. #10 is Daniel Bryan, and he doesn't get immediately tossed by Bray. I guess they booked that hoping that monumental achievement would satisfy all those pesky fans. Bryan takes control with a series of dropkicks in the corner, and hits a rana off the top turnbuckle. #11 is Fandango, which is only notable to me because apparently he's managed by Rosa now? But then, I don't pretend to follow RAW or Smackdown with any sort of regularity, so. Tyson Kidd gets #12 - which, coincidentally, is the number of people who care. #13 is Stardust, in his first Royal Rumble appearance! Who wants to bet that they actually thought it was, because they probably have some Excel database where 'Stardust' and 'Cody Rhodes' are labeled as two separate entries, and the writers just got confused. Diamond Dallas Page is #14, which is another head scratcher of a nostalgia entry. Not that I don't like DDP, but the whole point of the match is that the winner is supposed to go on to wrestle for the title at WrestleMania. Why would we buy retired yoga instructors as potential winners? #15 is Rusev, and he gets rid of Page in short order. Also, Fandango, though no one gives a shit. He gets into a staredown with Bray, but Bryan breaks it up by missile dropkicking both of them, and unloading kicks - only to run into a double-team, and get dumped. Crowd goes dead silent in shock over that one for a few seconds, and then the shit storm start raining down full force, as they voice their displeasure. Goldust draws #16, but they've gone and booked themselves into a shit show now, so even a showdown with Stardust doesn't earn a reaction. #17 is Kofi Kingston, and you can literally see a single, solitary person clap. #18 is Adam Rose, and the Brass Ring Club. I really hope he's at least fucking some of those chicks, so this angle isn't a complete waste. We do get a cool spot out of it, though, as Kofi gets tossed, but lands right into the arms of the Brass Ring Club, and crowd surfed back in. Rusev kicks him right back out, however. And gets rid of Rose for good measure. #19 is Roman Reigns, which is some ballsy booking. Like, if the strategy was to get rid of Bryan early in the match to give the crowd a chance to 'get it out of their systems,' at least have the foresight to book Reigns to enter later, so that you don't rub everyone’s faces in it. Do they enjoy shooting themselves in the foot? He tosses Goldust and Stardust upon entry, as Big E enters at #20. Remember when he was the next big thing, and Vince's pet project? #21 is Damien Mizdow, but lasts all of eighteen seconds before getting dumped by Rusev. Yeah, God forbid anyone the crowd likes actually, you know, stays in the match. Not that anyone buys Mizdow as the eventual winner, but you could at least humor them. Jack Swagger is #22, and renews his feud with Rusev, but can't toss him. #23 is Ryback, but the crowd hasn't 'gotten it out of their systems' yet, and they just continue to shit on everything. Kane gets #24, which definitely does nothing to turn the crowd around. This should have probably been Reigns' number. More punchy-kicky until #25 entry Dean Ambrose joins us, and dives at Kane with a flying elbowsmash, then goes after Rusev in the corner. #26 is Titus O'Neil, and even he knows he's just dead weight - marching to the ring like a man on death row, then getting immediately dumped by Reigns and Ambrose. Well, they don't call it a 'job' for nothing, I guess. Bad News Barrett draws #27, and apparently, he's Intercontinental champion? #28 is Cesaro, but no one cares, since they completely cut off his heat after WrestleMania last year, and are now left with a body they have to pay to sleep walk instead of make them money. Big Show draws #29, so at least some of this dead wood should go flying soon. Chokeslam for Reigns right away, and he teams with Kane to toss Ryback, then eliminates Swagger while he's over there. Glad to see these guys who peaked while Bill Clinton was still President are getting the best of everyone. Dolph Ziggler rounds out the field at #30, and superkicks everyone. He manages to toss Barrett before running into a giant swing from Cesaro, but that leaves Cesaro dizzy, and Ziggler tosses him. He makes the mistake of going after Show and Kane next, however, and that's all she wrote for him. They work together to casually dump Bray next (yes, he was still out there, and they didn't even bother to book him a meaningful elimination after a forty-seven minute run that included a five-man elimination streak. Brilliant booking. They turn their attention to the former Shield-mates next, but Reigns is there, so they actually stand a chance now. Well, HE does, anyway - Dean gets tossed in short order. That leaves Show, Kane, Rusev, and Reigns as the final four - though Rusev is down on the outside, leaving Reigns alone with the two man wrecking crew. They destroy him, as the crowd continues to shit all over it right through Roman's comeback, and elimination of both. Initially, they think he's won (everyone forgot about Rusev, who's still hiding out on the floor), and The Rock makes a cameo to save him from a beat down by Kane and Show and congratulate him, but the crowd just isn't having it - inspiring a brilliant look of disdain from Rocky. Meanwhile, Rusev is still in this, and he sneak attacks, but Reigns tosses him too, to win for real at 59:48. Wow. This was a giant mess, and from a booking perspective, certainly the worst Rumble I can remember. Talk about being out of touch with your audience! I mean, at least terrible Rumbles like 1995 or 1996 actually had the benefit of putting over the right guy. **

BUExperience: The live crowd nearly rioted at the end of this one, and the WWEs entire fan base seems near revolt, with campaigns to cancel WWE Network as a reaction to the booking here popping up before the show even went off the air – going so far as to crash the sites servers with cancelation requests the night of the event. If this were twenty years ago, that would immediately snap those in charge to attention. Today, I’m not sure they’re even listening - unless you're saying something they want to hear.

DUD