WWE SummerSlam (August 2003)

From Phoenix, Arizona; Your Hosts are Jim Ross, Jerry Lawler, Michael Cole, and Tazz

Opening World Tag Team Title Match: La Resistance v The Dudley Boyz: The challengers attack in the aisle to start, and the dust settles on Rene Dupree and D-Von Dudley to start us off. Dudley controls, but ends up in the wrong corner, and gets double-teamed ahead of a tag of Sylvain Grenier. Grenier can't keep control on his own, however, and D-Von quickly blasts him with a diving shoulderblock before tagging out to Bubba Dudley to hang Grenier in a tree of woe. The Boyz clean house, but a cheapshot turns the tide, and the champs cut the ring in half on Bubba. Bubbabomb on Grenier allows the tag to D-Von, and he's a house of arson! Four-way brawl, and the Boyz look to finish, when suddenly a photographer (Rob Conway) runs in, whacks D-Von with his camera, and Dupree pins him to retain at 7:51. Points off for not having it explode in his face, ala King of the Ring '93. Nothing match, with the veteran Dudley's carrying the green champions through paint-by-numbers formula match. ¼*

The Undertaker v A-Train: A-Train grabs a quick side-headlock, but takes a Russian legsweep for two, and Undertaker shoves him into the corner for some elbows. Jumping DDT gets two, and a jumping clothesline sets up the ropewalk forearm - along with a flurry of flashbulbs. Charge ends up seeing 'Taker fly out to the floor, and A-Train quickly follows to post him, and rolls him back in to get two off of it. Vertical suplex gets two, and the match kinda falls apart as A-Train takes over with a long punchy-kicky sequence. Undertaker manages to reverse an Irish whip into a sleeper, but A-Train quickly side suplexes to break, so Undertaker snake-eyes him instead. Big boot misses to setup a double-knockout spot, and Undertaker wins the resulting slugfest, then legdrops him for two. Guillotine legdrop sets up the Last Ride, but A-Train shoves him into the referee to block, and hits the Derailer for two. Bicycle kick follows, and Train grabs a chair to finish the job, but it backfires. Tombstone, but A-Train counters into a short-clothesline - countered back by Undertaker into a chokeslam for the pin at 9:20. Total punch-kick affair, but at least it was well paced. ½*

Eric Bischoff v Shane McMahon: Shane goes right after him in the corner, and Bischoff bails after taking a pounding. He tries to leave the arena, but Shane tackles him in the aisle, and beats him back to ringside, where suddenly Jonathan Coachman whacks McMahon with a chair for a DQ at 4:00. But wait, Bischoff decides it's now Falls Count Anywhere, so we continue. Inside, Eric and Coach lay into Shane while taunting him on the microphone (apparently he's a 'piece of shit'), but McMahon comes back with a DDT on Bischoff. Coach cuts that off with a well placed low blow, but that only serves to bring Steve Austin out. Stunners all around, and Shane finishes Bischoff with a flying elbowdrop through the announce table at 10:36. I suppose they were going for some Attitude Era style booking here (and I can see why, as it's a 'blowoff' to the Monday Night Wars, as well as a good way to disguise their limitations), but as a match, this just felt awkward and unnecessary. DUD

WWE United States Title Fatal Four-Way Match: Eddie Guerrero v Rhyno v Tajiri v Chris Benoit: Eddie immediately bails to let the others fight it out, and the idiots do just that. It nearly backfires on Eddie when Chris quickly gets Rhyno in the Crippler Crossface (remember, first fall wins it), but Guerrero saves. Ugly grey/yellow color scheme for the champ tonight. Come on, Guerrero! It's SummerSlam! Save that b-level shit for TV. He criss crosses with Tajiri, and takes a monkeyflip to setup a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker for two, as Rhyno rams Benoit into the corner - Eddie diving for the cover out of it for two. Rhyno punishes him for trying to steal the win with a superplex for two, but Tajiri breaks the count, and unloads a pair of kicks on Rhyno for two. Handspring elbow on Benoit gets two, as Eddie headscissors Rhyno out of the ring, then grabs Benoit for a flying headscissors for two. He tries to put Tajiri away with the Lasso from El Paso, so Rhyno runs in to save - cutoff by Benoit with the Crossface! So now, the race is on - first submission wins it. Both guys wrench it on, but Tajiri makes the ropes, so Guerrero wisely lets off to break the Crossface rather than waste time trying to reapply. Unfortunately for him, it backfires when Benoit then slaps the Crossface on HIM instead. Uh oh. Neat spot, as Tajiri attempts another handspring elbow on Benoit, but ends up hitting Rhyno (standing on the apron) as he springs - allowing Chris to grab him in a three-alarm rolling German suplex to counter. They then up the ante even more on the sequence, as Guerrero charges Benoit while he's executing the third alarm, so Chris backdrops Eddie WHILE suplexing Tajiri. Fucking awesome! Tajiri manages his own German suplex on Benoit for two, and he slaps on the Tarantula. That's a stupid move to try in a multi-man match, given that he can't score a legal submission with it, and it leaves him prone to attack. Eddie capitalizes by rushing to the top to Frogsplash Rhyno, but Tajiri releases his hold on Benoit, and shoves Guerrero to the floor to stop the effort, then heads up for his own dive onto Rhyno - stopped by Benoit with a tree of woe. Chris hits the flying headbutt on Rhyno to finish, but Tajiri saves - only to miss the Buzzsaw on Benoit, and get powerbombed out of the ring! That allows Eddie to sneak back to the top, however, and the Frogsplash finishes Rhyno at 10:50. I'm not a big fan of four-way matches as a general rule, but this was about as good as one can be, with lots of neat sequences that you can't see in singles matches, as opposed to just wrestling multiple singles matches with guys making saves. ***

WWE Title Match: Kurt Angle v Brock Lesnar: Brock overpowers him out of the initial lockup, but Kurt manages a takedown as they go again, and tries grounding him with a front-facelock, but Brock counters into a hammerlock - reversed by Kurt, and shifted into a side-headlock. Lesnar backs off as he comes to terms with getting outwrestled, then tries a waistlock out of another collar-and-elbow tie-up, but Angle counters with a drop-toehold into another side-headlock. Brock responds by changing gears and forcing Kurt to wrestle a power match, but Kurt manages to hang with him - even managing to shove Lesnar into the corner. Frustrated, Brock charges, but Kurt is ready with a series of armdrags, and the dazed challenger falls out of the ring - throwing a tantrum on the floor, then stealing the title belt and simply walking out. That earns him an attack from Angle, but that's just what Brock was hoping for, as he knows he can control a brawl - only for Angle to hang with him there too, and overhead suplex him on the way back into the ring for two! Kurt stays on him with stomps in the corner, but a cross corner whip is countered into a press-slam - Brock tossing Angle all the way to the floor with it! Awesome! Back in, Brock ups the awesome ante with one of the coolest release overhead suplexes I've ever seen for two. Even 1990 Scott Steiner would be having wet dreams about matching that one. Another press-slam, but Kurt counters with a rollup for two - only to walk into a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker as he tries following up, for two. Brock quickly grounds him with a chinlock, then into a bodyscissors for a few nearfalls. Kurt escapes, but Brock keeps him down with a knee, and adds a backbreaker for good measure. Kurt desperately slugs back, and shoots off a quick schoolboy for two, but Brock cuts him off with a lariat, and adds a cool hanging fisherman’s suplex for two. Kurt manages to dodge a cross corner charge, and Angle immediately goes after the shoulder to capitalize - the three-alarm rolling German suplex worth two. Brock fights back with another overhead suplex, but a third is countered into the Olympic Slam - countered back by Brock with a spinebuster for two. F5, but Kurt counters into a DDT during the rotation for two. Olympic Slam gets two, so Kurt slaps on the Anklelock, but Brock escapes - inadvertently taking out the referee in the process. Angle quickly recovers with a unique inverted bodyscissors weaken Brock for another Anklelock, but the referee is out, and misses the submission. That allows Vince McMahon to run in (wearing a rare ultra casual shirt) to break the hold with a chair, and Lesnar capitalizes with an F5 for two. Brock's 'WHAT THE FUCK?!?!' reaction is pretty awesome. Another one, but Kurt counters back into the Anklelock, and Brock submits after being kept off the ropes at 21:18. A little slow at points, but the usual awesome power wrestling war from these two - they were made for each other. *** ¼

No Holds Barred Match: Kane v Rob Van Dam: This was during Kane's first 'unmasked' period. He attacks Van Dam, and tosses him out of the ring, but RVD's quickness allows him to get a few shots in before getting tossed into the post. Kane grabs a huge ladder from underneath the ring, but Van Dam seesaws it into his face on the way into the ring, then nails him with a flying sidekick to setup rolling thunder - only for Kane to block with a choke. Rob escapes the chokeslam, however, and a bodypress sends both men tumbling out over the top - Kane quickly taking control by whipping him into the steps. Back in, Van Dam again uses his speed advantage to hit a springboard sidekick, and a legdrop for two. Flying moonsault, but Kane shoves him all the way out to the floor to block, then tosses the ladder at him. Back in, Kane chokes away, as an onscreen graphic starts advertising WrestleMania XX. Not sure this is the best match to use to hype a show that's still seven months away. Back out, AGAIN, and Kane tries attacking with a flying clothesline, but Rob sidesteps, and Kane hits the rail. I know they still use the rail to this day, but frankly, once they switched away from the classic steel to the padded barricades during the Attitude Era, it's really never quite been the same. And I know this match seems like a really random place to note that, but let's face it, they're giving me a lot of time to ponder with this one so far. In, Rob hits a spinheel kick, then puts a chair across Kane's stomach to hit a rolling thunder on. Of course, that hurts Van Dam as much as it does Kane, but Rob's never been a thinking man's wrestler. Van Terminator follows, but Kane catches a bodypress on the floor with a Tombstone onto the steps for the pin at 12:50. I wasn't really into it, but it was competent enough for what it was. *

Main Event: World Heavyweight Title Elimination Chamber Match: Triple H v Goldberg v Kevin Nash v Shawn Michaels v Chris Jericho v Randy Orton: Michaels and Jericho start, and Chris immediately goes to a side-headlock, then shifts into a hammerlock. They reverse each other a few times until Shawn dives at him with a springboard bodypress, but Chris rolls through for two. Shawn with a backslide for two, so Jericho takes him down with another headlock - countered by Shawn into a bridging reversal sequence that ends in Jericho blocking another backslide with a kick, but taking a sunset flip for two. I wouldn't mind seeing the chamber doors malfunction, and just letting these two work the whole match. Shawn with a backdrop, but Jericho counters a cross corner whip into the Walls - Shawn cradling for two to block. Chris responds with a bulldog to setup the lionsault, but Shawn dodges, so Chris reroutes with a clothesline instead. Seriously, a door malfunction would be fine. Unfortunately, that doesn't happen, as Randy Orton joins the fun with a flying bodypress on Michaels for two. Dropkick and a clothesline put Shawn on the platform outside of the ring, and a modified neckbreaker on Jericho is worth two. RKO for Shawn, but Michaels shoves him off into a backdrop from Jericho. Chris follows to slam Randy on the platform, then slaps the Walls on Shawn, but Kevin Nash enters the match, and saves. Nash is sporting an odd looking blonde crew cut here, as he was filming The Punisher at the time. Unfortunately, it also makes him look like Oz, and that's not a good sensory memory in wrestling. Kevin destroys Jericho with some rams into the cage wall, then hits a sidewalk slam on Orton for two. Short-clothesline on Shawn is worth two. If he's not sparing Shawn, why save him from the Walls earlier? Big boot sets up the Powerbomb on Jericho, but Michaels Superkicks Nash, and Chris quickly somersault cradles him for the pin at 8:05. Nash responds by Powerbombing everyone on the way out, as Triple H enters the chamber and walks right into a Superkick from his boyfriend - saving him from getting a taste of Nash's tantrum. Shawn manages to get a two count on Orton off of Nash's Powerbomb, then two on Jericho. Goldberg is last man in, and immediately breaks up the party by destroying everyone (well, everyone accept HHH, who's still selling the Superkick from five minutes ago) - pinning Orton with a spear at 13:01. The dominance doesn't stop there, as he press-slams Jericho onto the platform, then following him out for a spear through one of the mini-chamber walls. Shawn tries sticking and moving, but Goldberg ducks the Superkick with a spear, and Jackhammers Shawn out at 15:20. Spear and a Jackhammer send Jericho home at 16:05. That leaves HHH all by his lonesome, but considering he's totally fresh, that shouldn't be so bad. Still, Hunter hides in his mini-chamber, until Goldberg literally breaks him out, and commences the destruction. Now that Hunter's finally in this thing, I see that he's sporting some really odd looking long tights tonight. 2003 was an odd year for him, fashion wise - first with the weird colored tights, and now this. Spear looks to finish, but Hunter blocks with a sledgehammer and gets the pin at 19:15 - after wrestling a total of, like, two minutes. The devil wears long tights, then, I guess. This was thankfully a lot shorter than the original Chamber from 2002, but other than the fun Michaels/Jericho mini-match at the beginning, and Goldberg's cool streak, this was totally forgettable. * ½

BUExperience: I’ve taken shits that were more satisfying than this show. And, in fact, I kind of feel one of those coming on, so let’s just leave it there, shall we?

DUD