HITMAN383 Rant for WCW Starrcade 1994

- The HITMAN383 Rant for WCW Starrcade 1994. I’ve never actually seen this one before, but it DOES have a Hulk Hogan vs. Brutus Beefcake MAIN EVENT, so how bad could it be? Right? RIGHT? Well, wish me luck. (This is actually the very last Rant ever done during the HITMAN383 days – originally posted on October 11, 2002)

- BTW, I use this system:
***** - Excellent,
**** - Great,
*** - Good,
**- Okay,
* - Decent,
DUD – Nothing Match.

- Live from Nashville, Tennessee (Municipal Auditorium, drawing 8,200 people and a 0.60 buyrate).

- Your Hosts are Tony Schiavone, and Bobby Heenan.

- We get a look at the PWI awards banquet, where Hogan wins “wrestler of the year.” Yeah, that wasn’t stolen from Bret Hart AT ALL.

- Opening Match: WCW United States Title Match: Jim Duggan vs. Vader: Vader jumps him in the aisle, but actually doesn’t get the best of it, as Duggan hands him his ass, and throws him into the rail. Man, this is still 1994! It’s not that easy to do that to Vader yet. Inside, Duggan hits the ten-punch count. One clothesline drops the challenger, and another gets him to the floor. Gee, who did Vader piss off backstage to get THIS kind of treatment? Bodypress gets Jim two, and he slams him with ease. Something is very wrong here. Elbow drop gets two, and a knee drop gets another two. “Chinlock” applied, although it only resembles a chinlock in the most vague way, but looks more like “hands around chin” hold. Slugfest won by Duggan, so Vader boxes his ears. Duggan misses a 2nd rope elbow drop (well, at least he’s trying new things), and Vader dumps him to the floor. Back in, Vader lays in the body shots. Vaderbomb gets two, as Duggan’s foot is on the bottom rope. He goes for a second splash, but Duggan kicks him in the nuts, but then runs into Vader’s gut. Slugfest looks to be won by Duggan, but Vader boxes the ears again. Moonsault misses (because Duggan moved, AND he overshot), but he still manages an avalanche. The champ comes back with a running lariat, and we have another slugfest! Duggan wins that, and hits the football clothesline for two, when Harley Race rakes the eyes. Vader tries a second rope splash, but gets powerslammed. Cover, but the referee is caught up with Harley. Football clothesline misses, and Vader hits an impressive Japanese faceslam to win the title at 12:06. Man, Vader was way out of character (and form) here, but the match was certainly the best you could ever expect from Jim Duggan. * ¾.

- Alex Wright vs. Jean Paul Levesque: Levesque is Triple H, before he got a WWF contract, or a steroid needle. (Allegedly, of course) He’s basically playing Steven (William) Regal’s protégé, which is essentially the same part he’d play for the first three years of his WWF stay. They do a long feeling out process to start, since both are undefeated at this point, and need to play the “cautious” match for the first little while. Wright turns it on with a dropkick, and a flying headscissors. Jean backs into the corner, so Wright leapfrogs the referee to get at him (a spot RVD should really lift), but then they go right back to armbars and headlocks. I really hate these “both guys are undefeated” matches, because they’re so damn BORING. Wright throws about 20 dropkicks in the next couple of minutes, as the match goes nowhere. Meanwhile, the crowd leaves en mass, for the souvenir stands. Finally, Levesque shows that killer instinct, and starts kicking the shit out of Wright. Spinkick hits, and a snap suplex gets two. Wright misses a bodypress, and topples to the floor, allowing Levesque to pose. You know, the WWF sued because WCW “stole” the Razor Ramon character for Scott Hall, but hey, they completely lifted this character when HHH joined the WWF! Three names, snob, does that little bow. It’s the same fucking character! Alex tries a sunset flip to comeback, but Levesque nails him. Powerslam gets two, so Jean goes to the chinlock. That eats up a good few minutes, until Levesque hits a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker. Slam, and he goes upstairs, only to miss a flying elbowdrop. Wright comes back with the fists of fury, and hits a diving back elbow for two. Backdrop, and Alex rolls him up for the pin at 14:03. Decent match, although the first few minutes were really, really boring. *.

- WCW Television Title Match: Johnny B. Badd vs. Arn Anderson: This was supposed to be the Honky Tonk Man challenging for the title here (he’s even in the video package before the event), but he bailed on the promotion right before the show, refusing to job to Johnny on PPV. Anyway, political bullshit aside, we have a match to do! They wrestle around each other to start, much in the fashion of the previous match, but done a lot better, by guys who are not ¼ as green. Meanwhile, the crowd still bails out for it. Anderson keeps toying with him, so Badd hits a swift Japanese armdrag, and a dropkick floors the challenger. Back in, criss cross allows Anderson his spinebuster, a spot that is ALWAYS guaranteed to draw a pop. (See X8, WrestleMania) He works the back, going to the abdominal stretch. Anderson, of course, has enough ring smarts to know to use the ropes. He gives up on that, and opts for a sleeper instead, but this time does not cheat to win. What would Eddie Guerrero say? Badd reverses, so Anderson stunners him, for being a smart-ass. Tilt-a-whirl backbreaker, but Badd headscissors out. Back elbow gets two, and a backdrop follows. Upstairs, a flying sunset flip gets two. Monkey flip fails, giving Arn two, so Badd rolls him up for the pin at 11:21. Decent match towards the end, but nothing special at all. *.

- The Nasty Boys vs. Harlem Heat: Before the match we get a look at more PWI award shit, where the Nasties are named “tag team of the year.” Yeah, and Homer Simpson is a member of MENSA. Big brawl to start, between both sides, and the Nasties clean house. Sags and Booker go alone now, and Booker dominates him. Criss cross allows Sags a slam, and he tags out. Everyone brawls again, in and out of the ring, all of which is boring to tears. Especially when you hold it up with some of the Nasties terrific brawls earlier in 1994, which were in the ***** neighborhood. Anyway, Knobs and Stevie go it alone, and don’t do anything more inspiring than clotheslines and punches. Single-arm DDT sets up some “arm work,” all of which would make Bret Hart keel over and die. Brawl again, just incase we forgot what it looked like, and wanted to see some wrestling. And, well, since all this shitty action must be tiring, we go to the next phase of the match: restholds. That must be boring to the announcers, too, since they busy themselves discussing the world title, as opposed to the “action” in the ring. The Nasties finally comeback, hitting a double DDT, and cleaning house. That all goes well, until Sherri runs in for the DQ at 17:49, giving the Nasties the win. This match was nothing but weak, un-coordinated brawling, and restholds for eighteen minutes, all topped off with a bad ending. -*. (Yeah, who the fuck books that ending for an eighteen minute pay per view title match? Actually, while we’re at it, who the fuck gives these guys eighteen minutes to begin with?!?)

- Kevin Sullivan vs. Mr. T.: Yes, Mr. T. About eight years after he ceased to be popular, and as many years after he ceased to be buff. T schools him, as Sullivan tries a bunch of charges, and keeps getting taken down. Meanwhile, Dave Sullivan (dressed as SANTA CLAUS!) makes his way down, just to add to this farce. It spills outside, where Sullivan forces Mr. T. to hump a cameraman. No, really. Inside, Sullivan controls, so Dave bops him with Jimmy Hart’s megaphone (which is poetic, since the feud started with Kevin using said phone on T.), and T. pins him at 3:50. What a farce. – ½*. (One thing you have to give Vince McMahon, is he knew how to get maximum value out of his celebrity interactions. And booking a four minute match against Kevin Sullivan on the undercard of a pay per view is not it)

- Sting vs. Avalanche: Avalanche is our old friend John Tenta, best known as Earthquake in his WWF days. Stallfest to start, disguised as an intimidation contest. Sting tries some punches, but gets himself caught in the corner, and pounded on. Avalanche continues the abuse with some test of strength action, so Sting goes to the leg. Slam, but he can’t even get him up, so Avalanche slams HIM. Elbowdrop gets two, and he keeps pounding the Stinger. Headlock time, as Bobby talks about how NO ONE has left their seats the whole night. Meanwhile, people head for concessions BY THE DOZENS in the background. (That was kind of a trend the whole night here, as a big portion of the crowd was there to see Hulk Hogan, and couldn’t care less about this shit. The fact that all the matches have been terrible not helping matters, of course) More attempted legwork, but again and again Avalanche stifles him. Powerslam gets two, so Sting leaps on him with a sleeper. He makes the mistake of trying a slam again, and this time gets toppled for two. That looked pretty painful right there. Another powerslam, and he tries for the butt-splash, but gets clotheslined, in an EXTREMELY contrived spot. Sting goes to work with a series of dropkicks, bumping the referee in the process, and slamming Avalanche. Deathlock, but in comes Sullivan. He breaks it up, and the butt-splash connects. Cue Hulk Hogan, with a chair, to clean house, as Avalanche gets DQ’d at 15:26. Man, what is it tonight? Buy one long, crappy match, get a bad ending free special? – ¼*.

- Main Event: WCW World Title Match: Hulk Hogan vs. The Butcher: Just to be clear, Bitcher (AKA Brutus Beefcake), gets no heat on his way out. (Well, he gets ‘X-Pac Heat.’ That’s… something…) They play the shovefest game to start, which Bitcher can’t win, so he starts punching away. To the floor, Hogan takes some abuse, and the Bitcher RAKES THE BACK! How does it feel NOW, Hogan?!? He goes for a chair, but Jimmy Hart stops him, which allows Hogan to hit an atomic drop. Hulk then one-ups Bitcher, and rakes the CHEST. That Hogan … he’s a real innovator of offense. Hogan uses the chair for a bit, and we go back in. Bitcher catches him with a high knee, however. Oh, so THAT’S where Triple H got it. He was told if he wanted to get into the main event, he’d have to wrestle like Ed Leslie. See it’s all WCW’s fault. Bitcher with a powerslam for one, and he goes to the 2nd rope. Chop misses, and Hogan hammers away. Biting! Clotheslines! Eye rakes! Hogan is on FIRE! But, despite all this terrific offense on the part of the champ, the Bitcher comes back, and chokes. No, not on Hogan’s man juice, but he CHOKES Hogan! Nerve hold eats up some time, and the sleeper looks to finish. The thing about this feud is that it actually was a well-done feud, it’s just that Bitcher is the wrong guy to do it with, while Curt Hennig (as the plan was originally), or Randy Savage would have been much better. (No doubt. Ed Leslie would have been a stretch as a credible main eventer even at his most over in 89/90, but by 1994 he was an outright joke in the role) Anyway, sleeper fails to win Bitcher a world title (big shock there), and Hogan hulks up. Big boot, and in run Sullivan and Avalanche. Hogan holds them all off, and the legdrop finishes Bitcher at 12:07. Hogan is still in trouble, however, and is backed into a corner by the heels. Cue Randy Savage (who in the weeks leading up to this promised to “slap Hogan in the face, or shake his hand,” so no one knows what side he’s on). He helps Hogan clean house, of course, and he and Hogan celebrate together in WCW. In 1994, that was a pretty odd sight to see, after so many years of seeing them together in the WWF. Match blew, of course, and was much more suited as a blowoff on a Clash of the Champions than Starrcade. DUD.

- Backstage in the locker room, Hogan celebrates with all the faces. Vader, however, is not impressed, and crashes the party, challenging Hogan to a title match at SuperBrawl V. I’ll do that rant sometime in the near future. This was pretty match the only good segment of the entire show.

- Bottom Line: The only interest in this show was whether or not Savage would turn on or join Hogan, and eight years later the drama is kinda gone. (And, really, it was a total non-drama, since Savage was a universally liked good guy in 1994, and even on-screen, his last interaction with Hogan in 1993 was friendly) Anyway, the show started off decently (albeit unspectacular) enough for the first couple matches, then segued into three negative star matches, and a crappy DUD of a main event. The top match was just under **, and for the biggest show of the year (or even an episode of RAW), that’s pretty terrible.

- Strong Recommendation to Avoid.

(As noted, this is the last Rant I wrote during the HITMAN383 days, and while some of my older stuff is downright embarrassing for me to read today, I like the style I had developed by the end,, and wish I’d have continued on and done more of these)