WCW Uncensored 1996

WCW was a promotion with a somewhat notoriously erratic pay per view lineup, with shows that never repeated (Chi-Town Rumble, BattleBowl, Capital Combat), changed place in the lineup (WrestleWar flip flopping from May to February to May, SuperBrawl from May to February, Great American Bash taking a few years off), or changed names (Beach Blast to Bash at the Beach) so, after the live abortion that was the 1995 version of Uncensored, it wouldn’t have been surprising if WCW dropped it all together for ’96. It ended up becoming a staple in the pay per view lineup, with the second version sold on another night of ‘unsanctioned’ mayhem, and a blowoff of the long running Hulk Hogan/Dungeon of Doom storyline with a gimmick cage match.

From Tupelo, Mississippi; Your Hosts are Tony Schiavone, Bobby Heenan, and Dusty Rhodes – actually having the balls to return to the same arena they ran in 1995.


Opening No Holds Barred WCW United States Title Match: Konnan v Eddie Guerrero: One of the things I actually liked about the original Uncensored is that the all the matches were non-title, since the event was 'unsanctioned by WCW.' That was a nice touch, but I guess they wanted to add all the intrigue possible - though this was the only title match of the night. Konnan keeps Guerrero on the mat early, until Eddies flips to a vertical base, and gets Konnan in an anklelock. He switches to a figure four, but Konnan quickly makes the ropes - though Eddie really doesn't have to break, since the entire premise of this pay per view is that he can't get disqualified. He does anyway, of course, either because they're both babyfaces, or because WCW can't remember their own stipulations again. Konnan uses the opportunity to go to a leglock, but Eddie makes the ropes as well. They finally drop the babyface shit for homo shit by trading slaps, but since they're still nice little boys, it doesn't go anywhere, as the match literally stop for them to play to the crowd off of the excitement of a slap. Eddie with a rana off of the top for two, and hooks a reverse chinlock, but Konnan powers up, firing him to the floor. Back in to trade armdrags until Eddie gets him on the floor, and follows with a flying bodypress. Slingshot senton back in for two, and he tries a mat-based headscissors, but Konnan counters into another anklelock. Rolling German suplexes, but Eddie counters with a victory roll during the second suplex - so Konnan levels him with a lariat. Splash Mountain gets two, so he dumps Eddie to the floor in frustration, and follows with a poorly executed tope. Suplex back in, but Eddie struggles free - only to get clotheslined again. Konnan goes up top, but Eddie's right there with a super-duperplex for two. Frog Splash, but Konnan slams him off of the top, and finishes with an anticlimactic 'accidental' low blow at 18:27. Not technically bad, as it had nice, well executed spots - but it lacked any intensity, and they spent too much time on the mat without it going anywhere. * ¼

No Holds Barred Match: Steven Regal v The Belfast Bruiser: Bruiser is better known today as Dave 'Fit' Finlay, back before he got rid of his badass mullet. Bruiser charges right in, and they slug it out until Regal ties him up on the mat. They trade off on the mat for a while, and Bruiser hits a senton for two. They spill to the floor for Bruiser to ram him into the rail, but Regal manages to reverse a suplex back in - dropping him right on the floor, and takes him back to the mat with a headlock. He adds in a low blow for good measure, but they spill to the floor again for Bruiser to chop at him. They brawl up the aisle for Regal to ram him into the Doomsday Cage set up for the main event, and even though he's in total control, the other Blue Bloods run out to jump Bruiser, causing a disqualification at 17:33. Both guys have reputations as legitimate shooters, and they stiffed the hell out of each other here - Regal ending up with a broken nose. There are people who are fans of that - and it certainly has its place - but this didn't do much to engage the viewer, spending tons of time on the mat without any flow, and the fans responded by taking a bathroom break. A DQ ending after sitting through near twenty minutes didn't help anyone, either. ¼*

Inter-Gender Match: Robert Parker v Madusa: Parker immediately forces her into the corner with a choke, but Madusa gets all 'women's libby' on him and complains about the hands around her throat, so Parker gives her an airplane spin. It leaves him dizzy enough for Madusa to slam, and the bails to the floor to call out 'Dirty' Dick Slater for backup. Back in, Parker tries to choke her again, but Madusa throws a pair of 2^nd rope dropkicks, and he bails again. She follows with a flying bodypress, but she doesn't weigh enough to convincingly take him down, and he just kinda shrugs it off. Inside again, Madusa with a German suplex, but Slater interferes, and Parker gets the pin at 3:47. At least it was short. DUD

Career v Services of Kimberly Match: Diamond Dallas Page v The Booty Man: This was supposed to be the 'final' blowoff to the endless Page/Johnny B. Badd feud, but Marc Mero bolted to the WWF, so Ed Leslie (in his... ass related gimmick) got shuffled into the mix. Page jaws with the fans to stall things, but Man doesn't mind, 'cause he can shake his booty to keep himself entertained. Hey, if I were Page I'd be reluctant to tie-up, too. They finally get 'started,' but it consists of several 'Booty hits a single move, and Page bails to the floor to regroup' spots. Booty finally follows him out during one of his siestas to properly drag him in, and bashes him into the turnbuckles so badly that he literally ends up in the first row. That draws Kimberly out (not at all demeaned by the fact that the match is literally over access to her vagina), as Page and Booty work a criss cross that literally goes nowhere. Booty misses a simple shoulderblock (sold anyway by Page), but then miss misses a bodypress, and Dallas stomps him. Side suplex, and Page works a chinlock - but Kimberly bounces around, and even the slightest whiff of her scent (see: pussy) in the air is enough to help BM power out. Kimberly adds a slap for good measure, and the highknee puts BM over at 16:00. Page's 'retirement' would last all of two months. Even at eleven years old, I found 'Booty Man' ridiculous, so sitting through sixteen minutes of his shit isn't exactly anything I was ever hoping to relive. Really dull, stall filled, restholdy match. Also, from kayfabe perspective, what a slut Kimberly is! She left Page for Badd (which was a good angle, since he was an abusive asshole to her), but then he leaves the promotion, so she immediately starts beating off the next closest thing? What, no time to grieve? No latency period? Whore! - ½*

#1 Contender's Match: The Giant v Loch Ness: Big staredown to start, and Ness starts unloading headbutts. Forearms, but Giant starts firing back, and we have a giant-slugfest. Giant takes a nice over-the-top bump off of a cross corner, but Ness is too slow to properly capitalize, and Giant legdrops him for the pin at 2:34 to become number one contender to the World Title. He would get (and lose) his title shot the next night on Nitro, but would still end up becoming the next champion - defeating Ric Flair for it about a month later. DUD

Chicago Street Fight: The Road Warriors v Sting and Booker T: They get into a four-way brawl while still in the aisle, and slug their way to ringside - with Hawk and Booker T pairing off, and Animal/Sting. Sting and Booker team up (tag team up!) to bash Animal's knees into the post, but Hawk makes the save. Unfortunately, this street fight is taking place on Sesame, so he doesn't think to grab his giant shoulder pads with metal spikes sticking out of it as a weapon. Sting brings a chair into things to take out the Road Warriors, but in typical fashion, they more or less no-sell the whole sequence. Sting tries to piledrive Hawk next, but that gets no-sold as well, and Hawk powerbombs him for two, then goes to a chinlock in a fucking Street Fight. Hey, say what you will, but that's gritty realism. In any of the barroom brawls I've ever seen, dudes are always going to the chinlock to catch a breather. More mindless brawling, until the match finally takes on a sense of direction with Animal and Booker heading backstage (likely realizing they'd worn out their welcome), but instead, it's for Stevie Ray to sneak attack Animal. They accidentally bump into Lex Luger along the way, and he gets pissed that they interrupt his posing time (I wish I was kidding), so he helps Harlem Heat handcuff Animal to a post backstage. Booker heads back to ringside, but misses the Harlem Hangover, so Stevie runs in with a chair to finally end this thing at 29:33. The senseless brawling just kept going on, and on, and on - which is appropriate action in the context of the match, but it lacked any real variety or flow to the spots, and got extremely repetitive after the first ten minutes - let alone thirty. DUD

Doomsday Cage Match: Hulk Hogan and Randy Savage v The Alliance to End Hulkamania (Kevin Sullivan, Meng, The Barbarian, Z-Gangsta, The Ultimate Solution, Lex Luger, Arn Anderson, and Ric Flair): The 'Doomsday Cage' is set up near the entrance, and features three levels of steel cages - one stacked on top of the other all the way to the ceiling - with a full sized ring underneath it. The middle cage is broken up into two, side-by-side compartments. The object of the match is for Hogan and Savage to start at the top, and fight their way through all the levels to get down into the ring, and then get a pinfall or submission to end the thing. If that sounds overly contrived/retarded/like Donkey Kong, well, that's simply because it is. The top level contains Flair and Anderson, and they get right into fighting it out. The layout doesn't really lend itself to working spots, as they're pretty literally trapped in a chicken cage, and since the floor is all mesh wire as well (it's literally three stacked cages), they can't even walk properly (think Mick Foley on top of the Hell in a Cell in '98). They trade punches and half-hearted clotheslines, and Anderson/Flair lock on stereo figure four leglocks. Hogan and Savage reverse, and then throw handfuls of powder to allow themselves to escape to the next level. That puts them in with Luger, Sullivan, and the Faces of Fear - so Hogan grabs a shiv, and starts getting stabby. Hogan eventually padlocks the Faces in one half of the middle cage, and brawls with Sullivan (excited to be able to, for the first time in his career, look out over a crowd) onto the scaffolding they used to get onto the cage, with Kevin teasing a fall. They end up on the floor, brawling back to the main ring for Hogan to properly abuse him, with Luger and Savage eventually joining them. Kinda defeats the purpose of the match, but I can see why they did it, since 85% of the crowd can't properly see what's going on in the cage, and you generally want to be able to visually discern at least one of the main eventers for a couple of seconds when you shell out for pay per view tickets. Hogan and Savage have a pretty easy time with them, so Z-Gangsta (Zeus! Making his long awaited return to the ring) and The Ultimate Solution (Hitler's answer to Hulkamania) drag them back to Doomsday. They destroy the Mega Powers in the bottom, ring occupied level, and Z-Gangsta brings back the Hogan-choke out spot from 1989. Meanwhile, the referee forgets to lock (or even close) the door to the 'impenetrable' cage, so Anderson and Flair decide to walk right in to join in on the fun. Hogan and Savage get a pair of frying pans to comeback (Why not? The match is already a cartoon) so Luger joins in. He ends up turning on Flair (in the stupidest way possible - as he punches him when Savage ducks; a plan which relies a little too hopefully on Savage ducking) and Hogan and Savage exit the cage. Someone reminds them that it ends by pinfall, though, so Savage runs back in to pin Flair (while the other heels just stand around and watch) at 25:16. Match was certainly creative, but much like Piero Manzoni would tell you, just because you call it art, doesn't mean it ain't still shit. DUD

BUExperience: Ironically, while Hogan and Savage defeated the Alliance to End Hulkamania, this ended up pretty much being the end of Hulkamania (at least, for a couple of years) as Hogan disappeared from WCW programming after, not to return until forming the nWo over the summer, as a heel. It’s not quite as bad as the pure, unadulterated pile of shit that was the first Uncensored, but still easily another candidate for Worst Pay Per View of All Time – with only one decent match, followed by a bunch of irrelevant, illogical, or plain mind numbingly bad ones. DUD