WWE WrestleMania 33 (April 2017)

Original Airdate: April 2, 2017

From Orlando, Florida; Your Hosts are Michael Cole, Byron Saxton, Corey Graves, Tom Phillips, David Otunga, and John Bradshaw Layfield

Opening Match: AJ Styles v Shane McMahon: Interesting choice for an opener, but it's a really stacked card. Feeling out process to start, with Shane trying to hang. I love the set for this one. Yeah, apparently the super long aisle gave them all sorts of timing headaches, but hey, that's what God invented ring carts for. It all looks great, though, and I'm a sucker for cool sets. Especially these days, when we get the same set every month, with WrestleMania being pretty much the only exception. Styles gets annoyed with him and dumps Shane to the outside for a baseball slide into the announce table, then back in, AJ pounds on him for a while. He tries the Phenomenal Forearm, but Shane falls into the ropes to knock him down, and does a boxing routine. Jumping backelbow and a northern lights suplex (kinda) setup an Olympic slam for two - which is a timely spot to use. Vertical suplex, but AJ counters to a fireman's neckbreaker - only to have McMahon block the Clash. AJ responds by taking him down into the Calf Crusher, but Shane counters to a sleeper, then shifts into a cross-armbreaker. AJ looks to escape, so Shane counters again into the rings of saturn, but Styles counters into a cradle for two - reversed by McMahon for two. Might sound great on paper, but Shane was struggling to get through that entire sequence, and it looked rickety. Styles snaps his throat across the top rope to setup the springboard 450 splash, but McMahon catches him in a triangle choke - which looked a lot smoother than the previous sequence. But then, AJ pretty much did all the work there. Styles escapes via the Clash, but it only gets two. Slugfest ends in AJ accidentally kicking the referee in the head, but he still manages to hit McMahon with the pele kick anyway, and he brings a trashcan into play. He preps Shane for his own version of a coast to coast, but McMahon pops up and hits him with the can as he flies through the air! That allows Shane to hit the real deal Coast to Coast (for which he apparently spent weeks testing out different Jordan’s for), but it only gets two. Shane decides to go for the kill by putting AJ out on the announce table for a flying elbowdrop, but Styles rolls out of the way - resulting in a crazy bump for the forty-seven year old. Hell, that would be a crazy bump at any age. Styles rolls his battered ass back in, but Shane counters the Phenomenal Forearm with the floatover DDT! He's still in this, kids! He goes up for a shooting star press (holy shit - I don't think he ever even busted that out when he WASN'T pushing fifty!), but it misses, and the Phenomenal finishes him at 20:20. Surprisingly little smoke-and-mirrors here. This was AJ dumbing it down big time, but Shane made up for what he lacked in speed and execution with insane bumps and hard work. *** ½

WWE United States Title Match: Chris Jericho v Kevin Owens: It's been ten minutes since the last match ended. They slug it out to start, and Chris quickly takes him down into the Walls, but Owens has the ropes. Jericho responds by baseball sliding him to the outside for a flying bodyblock, then back in for a flying forearm, but a cross corner charge ends badly. Owens hits the Cannonball, then adds a second modified version out on the apron for two. Chinlock wears Jericho down for a senton splash for two, but he runs into a dropkick while coming off the ropes. Chris adds a springboard dropkick to knock his challenger to the outside, then follows for a backdrop out there before bringing it back in. Jericho with a flying backelbow for two on the way back in, but Owens counters the Codebreaker with a package powerbomb for two. Owens goes up, but Chris crotches him on the top, and brings him down with a rana for two. One-handed bulldog sets up the Lionsault, but Owens dodges, and superkicks him for two. Kevin goes for the flying frogsplash, but Jericho lifts the knees. Lionsault, but Owens lifts the knees. Flying somersault senton splash, but Jericho lifts the knees. Walls, but Owens blocks, and hits a Samoan drop for two. Pop-Up Powerbomb, but Jericho blocks, and hits the Lionsault for two. I'm digging the mirrored sequences here. Rana, but Owens counters to his own Walls - Jericho refusing to submit. Kevin responds with another Cannonball, but Chris actually counters it to the Walls on impact - only for the challenger to get the ropes! Chris keeps coming, but runs into the Pop-Up Powerbomb - Jericho able to kick out at two! Another one, but this time Chris counters with the Codebreaker - Owens getting literally a single finger onto the ropes to save himself at two! Hey, you do what you've gotta do! There's a title on the line! They spill to the outside, where Owens powerbombs him into the apron, and that's enough for the pin at 16:34. Good match, but overall a bit of a letdown. ***

WWE RAW Women's Title Fatal Four-Way Match: Bayley v Charlotte Flair v Sasha Banks v Nia Jax: About twelve minutes between matches here. This is elimination rules. I love natural light in outdoor stadiums, but wow, this set up looks absolutely incredible now that the sun has went down. Charlotte and Sasha's entrances are both just breathtaking. That's the thing, WrestleMania may not be the best pure wrestling card of the year these days, but man, the spectacle is top notch. You really feel like you're watching something special. Charlotte stupidly goes right for Nia, which doesn't end well. She tries teaming up with the other two, but Jax shrugs all three off with ease, and hits Bayley/Sasha with a double-avalanche. Nia with a 2^nd rope pump-seated senton splash on Bayley, but Charlotte saves her from getting pinned with some chops. Jax responds by casually throwing her ass out of the ring onto both Sasha and Bayley, and everyone plays dead for a while - rightly so. Poor Bayley is ready to try again all by herself, but the other two come to her side (in a nice moment), and even three-on-one, it takes quite a bit of doing to get any momentum on the massive Jax. The ladies manage to work together to powerbomb her, and all three dog pile (cat pile?) for the pin at 4:10. That was a fun, and really well booked segment. Charlotte wants to celebrate, but the other two are being mean girls, so Flair bails to the floor, and lets them fight it out. And, idiots that they are, THEY DO. That ends in Sasha hitting Bayley with a somersault plancha on the outside, and Charlotte dives onto both with a flying corkscrew moonsault press! She rolls Banks back in for the Natural Selection, but Sasha counters to the Statement! Charlotte counters back to the Figure Eight, but Banks blocks, so Flair hits a modified backbreaker for two. She tries to take the turnbuckle pad off, but that allows Sasha to schoolgirl her for two, and she follows up with a headscissors, and a double high knee in the corner. Flying double high knee gets two, so she goes for the kill with the Statement, but Charlotte escapes. Banks tries a rollup for two, but eats the exposed buckle during the kickout, and Charlotte pins her at 8:10. And then there were two! Flair rams the champions knee into the exposed buckle, but the flying moonsault misses, giving Bayley two! Man, it's a good thing Charlotte doesn't have fake boobies, because they probably would have popped like balloons on that landing! Bayley comes off the top rope, but Charlotte catches her coming down, and goes right into the Figure Eight! The champ gets the ropes to escape, so Charlotte puts her in a tree of woe - only to have Bayley overhead superplex her while sitting up in the tree! Flair is pissed, but ends up knocking herself silly on the exposed buckle, and Bayley finishes with a flying elbowdrop at 12:11! Really fun match, but this all would have resonated SO much more had they simply waited to give Bayley her big moment here instead of hotshotting it the month prior. I mean, they spent over a year building up Charlotte as undefeated on pay per view, only to have Bayley win the title on RAW, then hand Flair her first pay per view loss on the throwaway February PPV, instead of having Bayley win the belt and end the streak here. And it's not like they needed to wait another six months - literally a few weeks, and they could have had one of those truly memorable WrestleMania moments they're always going on and on about. Still a really good match though, regardless. *** ¼

The Hall of Fame class of 2017 (Kurt Angle, Diamond Dallas Page, Rick Rude, The Rock 'n' Roll Express, Teddy Long, Beth Phoenix, and Eric LeGrand) come out to take a bow. I totally got goose bumps seeing Angle back at WrestleMania - welcome home!

WWE RAW Tag Team Title Fatal Four-Way Ladder Match: Luke Gallows and Karl Anderson v Cesaro and Sheamus v Enzo & Cass v The Hardy Boyz: A full twenty minutes have gone by since the end of the last match. This is originally scheduled as a Triple Threat, when suddenly WrestleMania hosts The New Day introduce the Hardy's into the mix to make it into a four-way! Watching live, I had no idea that was coming, and it was a great surprise! They're looking like the Rock 'n' Roll Express circa 1990. Maybe they'll breakup next year, and Jeff will start calling himself 'Jeffrey Hardy.' The Hardy's quickly make their mark by busting out their signature tandem spots in the early going, and they're able to clean house. Matt Hardy brings the first ladder in, but the reigning champs knock Jeff off as he climbs, and they beat both Boyz with ladders. Anderson makes a climb, but Cesaro follows him up, and hits a flying double stomp off the ladder! He climbs, but Big Cass kicks the ladder over to stop him, and he big boots Matt and Jeff for good measure. Definitely get a Diesel vibe from this guy. Nash, not Vin. Everyone brawls out to the floor, where Cass throws Enzo Amore into Gallows, but Sheamus prevents Cass from getting back in to climb. Inside, Cesaro gives Anderson a giant swing, but Cass big boots him to prevent a climb, then press-slams Enzo out onto a bunch of guys. Sheamus is left alone and climbs, but Gallows follows - only to have Amore rush in and tip the ladder over to stop them both. He climbs, but Anderson knocks him off - right into an uppercut from Cesaro. The champs hit Cesaro with the Magic Killer, but Matt stops Karl from climbing with a Twist of Fate off the ladder! Meanwhile, Jeff has found a jacked up ladder on the outside, and he recreates his famous spot from WrestleMania 2000 by putting Sheamus and Cesaro through a pair of wedged ladders with a Swanton Bomb! That allows Matt to finish climbing uninterrupted, and we have new champions at 11:03! Good thing Edge & Christian didn't return too, or they'd have been fuuuuuckkked. I didn't really love it as a match (they're not even trying to make the spot setups look organic or unchoreographed anymore), but I loved it as a moment. * ½

Mixed Tag Team Match: John Cena and Nikki Bella v Miz and Maryse: Fourteen minutes since the end of the last match. Al Roker acts as the special guest ring announcer for this one, and Jerry Lawler sits in on commentary. And apparently Cena's mom is in the front row, which seems to come as a legit shock to him. That, or his acting is getting a lot better. This evening wind is not being a friend to Nikki and Maryse's long hair. But then, Maryse with sex hair is a good thing. After some debate, the dust settles on Cena and Miz to start, and wow, the crowd is just RABID for Miz. Don't see THAT every day. Miz stalls for a while, and suckers Cena into chasing him on the floor - able to cheap shot him in the process. Miz works Cena over (in between soaking in the crowds insane reactions to him), and hits a flying axehandle for two. Miz cuts the ring in half on Cena (though he can't tag, since if Maryse tags in, John gets a free pass), but it isn't coming across as it should since the crowd is so pro-Miz. Even when Nikki finally slaps him for being cocky, it isn't the big moment it should be, as the crowd shits all over her. She gets the tag, and destroys Maryse - she and John finishing with stereo Five Knuckle Shuffles and finishers at 9:40. The match was junk, but it's all just setup for the big angle afterwards, as Cena proposes to Nikki in the middle of the ring. Which fell flat. They were going for Savage/Elizabeth, but couldn't even hit Test/Stephanie. I think there was more excitement for Uncle Elmer's wedding, frankly. DUD

Non-Sanctioned Match: Seth Rollins v Triple H: It's been seventeen minutes since the last match ended. HHH's entrance (on a motorcycle, with full police escort) is tremendous. We're almost three hours into this show, and still five matches to go! Seth blitzes him to start, and sends HHH to the outside with a dropkick. Seth follows to abuse him out there (earning him some taunts from Shane's kids in the front row), but uncle HHH gets backdropped into the crowd. Rollins with a springboard clothesline off the barricade, then a another one on the way back into the ring, but it misses. HHH goes for the knee, but Seth fights him off with a leg-feed enzuigiri, and he knocks him back to the outside for a tope - freaking out the nephews! A second one follows, and he takes him over to the announce table - only to get DDT'd onto it before he can do anything. I just noticed that the announcers got a brand new table after Shane went and smashed it during the opener. I guess they don't skimp on tables when it comes to WrestleMania. Now in control, HHH grabs a chair to crack Seth in the leg with, and he works the part on the outside. Back in, Hunter continues to work the knee, so Seth tries the reverse STO into the buckles to fight him off. He goes up for a sunset bomb, but the leg gives out halfway through, and HHH delivers a ten-punch instead. Rollins tries to counter with a running powerbomb into the turnbuckles, but the knee gives out again. Kinda stupid of him to even try it. I mean, Hunter is a big dude to try and cross corner powerbomb on a regular day, let alone on a bad wheel. Pedigree, but Rollins counters with the powerbomb into the buckles (at least not trying to go cross corner this time - progress), and a corner whip sends HHH flipping out over the top. Seth dives after him with a flying bodypress, and he sends the Game into the post out there. If this were fifteen years ago, that would be where the bladejob would go, but nothing flows tonight. Seth with a flying frogsplash for two on the way back in, but an attempt to use a chair is countered with a rotating spinebuster for two. HHH uses the chair for his own evil by wrapping it around Seth's leg and driving his weight down a few times, but a trip to the top rope sees Rollins chuck the steel at his head! That allows Seth to capitalize with the vertical superplex/falcons arrow combo, but it only gets two. I'll never get why they waste that move as a near fall, and don't use it as a finisher. Seth goes up again, but this time Stephanie McMahon knocks him down, and HHH capitalizes by grabbing a kneebar. Seth manages to counter to a crippler crossface, but Hunter pounds the knee to force a quick break, and Rollins bails. HHH is right after him with a chair to the knee, and he slaps on another kneebar out there on the floor. That's quickly abandoned when Hunter finds his trusty sledgehammer, however, and he stalks Rollins back into the ring with it. Seth manages to buy time with an enzuigiri, but Stephanie prevents him from using the hammer himself, and HHH hits the Pedigree for a dramatic two! HHH tries to finish with a Pedigree off the top rope, but Rollins manages to backdrop him off, and dive with the phoenix splash for two! The announcers note that this is the kind of move you'd see on 205 Live, which I'm not sure is a comparison these guys would appreciate them making. Seth with his own Pedigree, but HHH reverses. Rollins blocks, so HHH tries a powerbomb instead, but Seth counters to the Pedigree again, so Hunter clips the knee. Cue Stephanie, but Rollins superkicks Hunter into knocking her off the apron and through a table - Seth able to capitalize with the Pedigree at 25:15 - in the longest match of the night. Good psychology with all the leg work (all of which was excellently sold by Rollins), but the match felt like it was about seven minutes too long for what it was. ***

WWE Title Match: Bray Wyatt v Randy Orton: We've gone another full twenty minutes between matches here. Like Undertaker, Bray's pretty much guaranteed himself a late slot at every 'Mania at least, since that entrance doesn't work in daylight. I honestly forgot this was a title match, or that Wyatt was even the champion before the onscreen graphic reminded me. Orton pops off a pair of powerslams right away, but Wyatt bails to the outside to avoid an early RKO. Randy follows, but ends up getting decked for his troubles, and Bray plays mind games on the way back in - suddenly causing images of maggots to appear on the mat. That disorients Randy enough for him to try the Sister Abigail, but Orton counters to the RKO - Bray blocking, and playing more mind games by projecting worms onto the mat. Orton still tries another RKO, but Wyatt counters with a uranage to setup a senton splash for two. Abigail, but Randy counters with a schoolboy for two, so Wyatt clotheslines him - Orton bailing. Bray responds by hitting Abigail against the barricade out there, but can't get him back in to cover, and Randy executes the RKO on the floor! Back in, Randy tries for the Punt, but Wyatt counters to Abigail - Orton countering back with the inverted headlock backbreaker. Rope hung DDT leads to yet another RKO attempt, but Bray counters with Abigail for two. More projections (this time cockroaches) follow, but Bray gets too caught up in his own magic, and tastes the RKO at 10:21. Okay, the projection stuff was silly, but points for originality in what would have otherwise been a pretty dull match. Besides, if you're going to try shit like this, this is the type of venue to do it in. The match still sucked anyway, though. ¼*

WWE Universal Title Match: Goldberg v Brock Lesnar: Another fourteen minutes between bells. Brock goes right for him with a series of three release German suplexes, but Goldberg no-sells, and pops up with the Spear! I totally popped for that on the live watch. Another Spear sends Lesnar to the outside, and Goldberg quickly follows with a third Spear - this one sending them crashing through the barricade. Back in for the Jackhammer, but Brock counters to the F5, so Goldberg counters back to the trusty Spear. Jackhammer hits, but Brock kicks out at two! Goldberg is shocked, so he tries yet another Spear, but Lesnar leapfrogs him, and the champion crashes into the buckles. That allows Brock to grab him for another series of release German suplexes (seven of 'em), and the F5 puts it away at 4:45. This wasn't a good match in the traditional sense, but it sure was exciting. Even at under five minutes, this still managed to exceed expectations, as pretty much everyone was expecting another forty second match with zero bumps from Goldberg, but instead we got a videogame-like signature move exhibition, with Goldberg eating ten suplexes and an F5. Not great wrestling, but super entertaining. *

WWE Smackdown Women's Title Six-Pack Challenge Match: Alexa Bliss v Becky Lynch v Natalya v Naomi v Carmella v Mickie James: Only a brisk eight minutes between matches this time, at least. First fall wins. Becky looks like she just flew in from a paleontology conference in Barbados to be here tonight. Everyone brawls to the outside to leave Becky and Mickie in the ring, and James tries a rana, but gets sent over the top. In comes Carmella to take her place, and she hits a handstand rana after an assist from James Ellsworth. Becky breaks up the cover, however, and she chokes Carm down before floatover DDT'ing Nattie. Becky's back with exploder suplexes on anything that moves (including Ellsworth), but James hits her with a flying seated senton for two. Carmella and Naomi end up in a sloppy double-Sharpshooter from Nattie, but Mickie saves before they can tap, and Becky hits Nattie with a flying legdrop for two. Everyone keeps hitting spots and having covers broken up, until Naomi hits a plancha onto all five opponents on the outside. She rolls Bliss back in to finish, and does so with surprisingly little trouble at 5:36. The differences between the RAW and Smackdown women's divisions are pretty glaring on a normal day, and putting them on the same card didn't do the Smackdown ladies any favors. ¾*

Main Event: No Holds Barred Match: Roman Reigns v Undertaker: Another nineteen minutes between matches here. Jim Ross joins in on commentary for this one. 'Taker quickly shrugs off Roman's initial blitz, and throws his greasy ass out of the ring. Reigns picks himself up and rushes right back in, but gets tossed over the top again, as Undertaker reminds him that this is 'his yard.' Roman tries to snap 'Taker's throat across the top rope to setup a clothesline over the top, but Undertaker lands on his feet - shocking Roman. Yeah, because when has that ever happened before? Oh yeah, literally every single time Undertaker has been clotheslined over the top rope for the last thirty years. That's when. He pulls Reigns out, but gets reversed into the post, and Roman throws the Drive-By at him. Back in, Undertaker wins a slugfest, and a snake-eyes sets up a big boot and a legdrop for two. Chokeslam, but Reigns bails to the outside before 'Taker can execute it. Undertaker follows, so Roman throws another Drive-By, but Undertaker punches him out of the air, and preps an announce table. Poor JR. Back five minutes, and his table is already fixing to get messed up. Roman hits another Drive-By to avoid whatever 'Taker was planning, but yet another attempt is countered by Undertaker with a chokeslam onto an announce table. And a non-prepped one, to boot! Undertaker goes to bring him up onto the table to do whatever he had in mind to begin with, but Reigns pops up, and spears 'Taker through the table! Luckily not JR's, though. Poor guy's been through enough. Roman leaves him out there, though I'm not sure why, since there are no countouts in this. And then he's shocked when 'Taker sits up. Again, because that's never happened before? Reigns would make a great Austin Powers villain, if they ever made a fourth installment. Inside, Roman tries a ten-punch, but Undertaker counters with a powerbomb for two. I know, I'm shocked too. Undertaker grabs a chair and goes to work, but Reigns still has the presence of mind to avoid the chokeslam, and he throws the Superman Punch. Another one follows, but Undertaker counters a third with the chokeslam for two! Tombstone looks to finish, but Reigns gets the shoulder up at two! Again, but Reigns reverses. Well, in theory, as they badly botch it, and he just improvises a Superman for two instead. The botch was bad enough, but it took them three failed attempts before they had the sense to just give up on it and move on, which looked terrible. Spear hits, but 'Taker stops a pin attempt with Hell's Gate! Roman gets the ropes, so a battered Undertaker crawls for the chair again - only for Reigns to cut him off, and go to work with it. Spear looks to finish, but Undertaker gets a shoulder up at two! Reigns is shocked that 'Taker won't stay down, so he tries to help him with another Spear, but it still only gets two! Superman follows, and Undertaker fails to properly sit-up, but still keeps coming. I know this is, like, the least of their problems with Reigns, but he really needs some kind of super-finisher to bust out for times like this. Doing the same two moves over and over again is annoying. Another Spear, and it's finally enough at 22:58. Afterwards, Undertaker gets dressed in his entrance gear again, then strips it off (leaving it in a pile in the ring) before heading midway up the ramp, and descending into it - this apparently serving at Undertaker's retirement match. And, yeah, doing the job is the right way to go out, but man, this would have meant so much more had Brock not already ended the streak three years ago. The match was alright in the general sense, but not really at the level of a WrestleMania main event. **

BUExperience: I think my take on this show has a lot to do with the way I chose to watch it. Clocking in at over five hours (longer even than last years bloated show) it’s almost impossible to watch in one sitting, regardless of quality. On Sunday night, I waited until the show was about three hours in before starting it, and watched only the entrances/big moments, while fast forwarding through the majority of the actual matches. Then, in two entirely separate sittings, I was able to sit down and watch the matches themselves. Watching it this way, it didn’t drag. I can’t imagine what the experience must have been like for the people in the crowd who had no break, and had a two hour kickoff show on top of it.

A big problem here was the sheer amount of filler. The total time between bells (also including the twenty minutes or so before the first match started) was approximately two and a half hours! That’s as almost as long as some entire WrestleMania’s! The interviews and video packages are (for the most part) necessary, but the concerts and endless commercials aren’t.

One thing I noticed was the lack of major surprises this year. Outside of the Hardy Boyz’ return (which was great), there wasn’t much. I thought for sure the Rock would make his yearly appearance, but for the first time since 2010, WrestleMania came and went without even a cameo from the Great One.

Shows this long need at least (at the bare minimum) one match at four-stars or higher, which this card failed to deliver. Strictly as a wrestling card, this WrestleMania was far from the ultimate thrill ride. However, as a sports entertainment presentation, it delivered. Even matches that weren’t so good managed to deliver in other ways, like Cena’s proposal, the Boyz’ return, or Wyatt’s art class project. This one won’t have the rewatch value of some earlier WrestleMania’s, but it is worth checking out for the sheer spectacle alone.

**