WWE Hell in a Cell (October 2014)

From Dallas, Texas; Your Hosts are Michael Cole, John Bradshaw Layfield, and Jerry Lawler

Opening WWE Intercontinental Title 2/3 Falls Match: Dolph Ziggler v Cesaro: Ah, the pink ropes. Because that's what a sport featuring men in tights rolling around with each other needed. They go to a stalemate on the mat to start, and Cesaro manages to grab a mat-based side-headlock after another amateurish reversal sequence. Shoulderblock gets two, but a clothesline is countered into a backslide for two, and they trade pin attempts off five-alarm sunset flip reversal. Dolph stinger splashes him, but misses a follow-up dropkick, so Cesaro goes for the Giant Swing - only to get cradled for two. He stunguns the champ to disorient him enough to successfully Swing on the second try, but it makes him so dizzy that Ziggler is able to reverse the pin attempt for the first fall at 3:38. Dolph is still dazed in his own right, however, and Cesaro attacks with a double stomp, then hits a backelbow for two. Bodyslam sets up a 2^nd rope elbowdrop, but he takes too long setting it up, and Dolph rolls out of the way. Ziggler can't properly follow-up, however, and the challenger slaps on a cobra clutch to retain control, and hits a scrapbuster when he tries an escape. Another double stomp gets two, and a powerbomb is worth two. Cesaro tries a superplex, but Dolph manages to snap his arm across the top rope to block, and he slaps on a cobra clutch of his own, but Cesaro muscles him off, and up to the top for a superplex in a very visually impressive spot. That gets two, but a blind charge misses, and Dolph hits the fameasser for two. Zig Zag, but Cesaro counters into the Swiss Death for two, then wins another reversal sequence with a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker for two. Powerbomb, but Dolph snaps at the bad arm again, and hits the Zig Zag to retain at 12:20. A bit slow at points, but a very solid opener overall, with some especially good selling by Cesaro. Also, and this obviously has nothing to do with the performances, but the WWE production guys are really hurting their own matches with the endless replays, and it needs to be toned down in a hurry. A replay is great for something worthy of one (like the superplex spot), but there had to be ten replay interruptions in this match alone, and mostly for basic stuff like a shoulderblock. It's really distracting, and should be used sparingly. ** ½

Indentured Servitude Match: Brie Bella v Nikki Bella: Loser becomes the winner’s personal assistant for 30 days. Brie is also now dressing like an early 90s grunge rock fan, for some reason. Does this make her Courtney and Daniel Kurt? Let's hope not. Lockup battle almost goes to a stalemate despite hairpulls, but Nikki manages to get her into the corner for a couple of forearms. Well, she does have the weight advantage. Brie returns fire with a backslide and a dropkick, and proceeds to do some of the most horrible, stilted acting this side of Godfather III ahead of taking an electric chair. Nikki slaps on a modified side-headlock, but Brie's selling of it looks like she just tasted some bad chicken. Nikki works her over with some terrible 'submission' stuff that mainly involves pulling her hair, but Brie escapes, and hits a sitout facebuster for two. More bad acting follows. Dropkick puts Nikki on the outside, so Brie dives after her with a tope, and a missile dropkick on the way back in gets two. Headscissors, but gets countered into the Rack Attack for two. Nikki can't believe it, but ends up in the Yes-Lock when she overzealously tries to finish. Nikki makes the ropes, then catches an overzealous Brie with a forearm, and a second Rack Attack finishes at 6:20. A total mess from bell to bell, and the crowd didn't buy a minute of it either. I can't believe it was just a year ago that people were talking about how much Brie had 'improved' like she was the second coming of Trish Stratus, or something. DUD

WWE Tag Team Title Match: Goldust and Stardust v The Usos: Again? Seriously? This is reaching Hardy's/Dudley's levels of oversaturation at this point. Book new fucking tag teams, guys. The Uso's toss Goldust around in the early going, but Jimmy gets suckered into the wrong corner, and Stardust wraps his knee around the ringpost to turn the tide. The champs cut the ring in half, but Stardust misses a bulldog, and Jimmy manages to backdrop Goldust out of the ring to allow the tag to Jey. House of fire, four-way brawl, you know the drill. And if you don't, it's available on literally every other pay per view and RAW this year. The challengers manage to stereo superplex them, but they can't finish, and Goldust manages to pop off the Curtain Call to retain at 10:18. Uh, yeah. ½*

#1 Contenders Hell in a Cell Match: John Cena v Randy Orton: Ah, the match that makes that tag title bout seem fresh and exciting. They do their best to make it seem properly epic though, as, unlike the Bellas match, both guys are good enough at what they do that they can put stuff over with simple facial expressions and body language. Orton controls in the early going, but an attempt at bringing a chair into things gets him suplexed - only for Cena to miss a charge, and get whacked with the chair anyway for two. DDT gets two, then out to the floor for Randy to rake his face across the mesh for a bit. Back in, a clothesline gets two, as Michael Cole worries about 'sounding trite.' No Mike, don't worry, please go ahead. Orton showboats and gets speared for two, but quickly regroups with a series of corner clotheslines for two. This match is dragging badly. Out to the floor again, Orton tosses him into the cage wall, then rolls him back in for a chinlock. Cena escapes with a pair of shoulderblocks and a side suplex, but walks into a powerslam for two. Rope-hung DDT, but Cena manages to backdrop him over the top to block. Well, I'd hope so, given how many times he's faced the guy. John follows to get some revenge with the cage, but ends up getting posted, and Randy rolls him in to get a two count off of it. Man, if this match was dragging a few minutes ago, it's limping now. Cena tries an FU through a table, but Orton counters into a standing dropkick for two, and a whip into a corner-mounted chair is worth two. Cena tries throwing shoulderblocks again, but gets RKO'd for two. That one was meme worthy. Toss through a corner-mounted table gets two, so Randy brings the steps in to finish him proper - only to have the RKO countered into a slam across the steps, and John to add the Five-Knuckle Shuffle onto them as well. FU, but Orton blows him low for two, then spends the next few minutes arguing the count with the referee. Punt, but John sidesteps and counters into the STF, but Randy makes the ropes to break, and rolls out to the floor to avoid Cena trying again. John responds by throwing the steps out after him, but Randy casually gets out of the way, and posts an oncoming Cena. Back in, they trade finishers for a while, until Orton tries an RKO off the top rope, but ends up taking an FU down and through a table to give Cena the win at 26:00. Really dull stuff that totally did not warrant the use of the Cell - and wouldn't normally get it, except that they have the obligations of this silly gimmick pay per view to fulfill. ½*

WWE United States Title Match: Sheamus v The Miz: Miz tries peppering him with offense early, but gets slaughtered - complete with hilarious voodoo selling by Damien Mizdow on the floor. Miz manages to takeover on the floor, and inside he chokes the champ in the corner, then slaps on a chinlock - Mizdow hilariously miming his own along with him. Sheamus escapes and tries a comeback, but gets backdropped out of the ring. Back in, Sheamus manages a scrapbuster across the knee for two, but walks into a neckbreaker, and Miz hits the Skull Crushing Finale for two. Miz goes for a flying axehandle, but Sheamus blocks with the Brogue Kick to retain at 8:18. The crowd was totally dead as a result of the half our Cena/Orton borefest, and this disjointed, flow less stuff did nothing to get them back into things, unfortunately. Mizdow's bits on the floor were hilarious, however. ½*

Rusev v Big Show: Weird pink outfit for Lana tonight. And here I thought they were supposed to be heels. Rusev has trouble with his usual power offense early on, so he clips the knee, and takes Show down for some leg work. Rusev with a vertical suplex, but he can't keep Show on the mat in a leglock, and Show ties him up in a modified half-crab until Rusev makes the ropes. Show sandwiches him with corner clotheslines and a shoulderblock, and the Chokeslam is worth two. Rusev rolls out of the ring to break the momentum, but Show takes too long rolling him back in, and takes three superkicks as they re-enter - Rusev slapping on the Accolade for the victory at 7:50. The psychology went nowhere, but at least it wasn't as dull as the last few matches. ¾*

WWE Divas Title Match: AJ Lee v Paige: Hey, at least this one still seems fresh compared to Cena/Orton. Reversal sequence ends in AJ hooking a victory roll for two, then spinkicking her challenger out of the ring. She follows, but ends up taking a giant swing into the rail, and inside, Paige unloads mounted headbutts. Bow-and-arrow goes nowhere, but a superkick gets two for the challenger. Fisherwoman’s suplex, but AJ counters into a savate kick, and adds a tornado DDT for two. AJ with a front-facelock, but Paige blockbusters her way out, and Lee bails to the floor. Paige follows for a whip into the rail, but ends up splatting on the floor when trying something goofy off the rail. Back in, AJ slaps on the Black Widow to retain at 6:48. Another boring match, but at least it was relatively short. DUD

Main Event: Hell in a Cell Match: Dean Ambrose v Seth Rollins: Dean loads the ring with chairs like Daniel Bryan did in last years main event, then decides to abandon the strategy, and climb to the top of the cell instead. All of this happens before Rollins even makes his entrance, mind you. Seth wisely refuses to join him atop the structure, and instead sends him cronies to do his dirty work. That goes exactly how you'd expect, but does allow Rollins to sneak up and attack with a kendo stick. They decide to have some fun and toss Dean off the cell, but he fights them off, so Seth tries climbing down, but ends up getting headbutted off from about halfway, and through a table - ala Shawn Michaels in the original. The headbutt ends up dazing Dean as well, however, and he falls through a table, too. The bell still hasn't gone to start the match, so the referee decides to call the whole thing off, and rushes EMTs out to cart them away, but Ambrose wants none of that, and drags Seth into the cell for the first time - thus officially starting the match. So now that they're inside, Dean goes to work with the chairs he scattered earlier, then dropkicks Seth off the apron, and into the cell wall. Back in, Dean tries a vertical suplex onto the chairs, but Seth counters into a side suplex onto them instead. Seth sets up a table on the floor and tries suplexing Ambrose through it from the apron, but Dean manages to snap his neck across the top rope to block, then hits a flying elbowdrop to drive Seth through it. Kane runs interference from outside of the cell to allow Rollins a running powerbomb through a table, and inside, he hits the Curb Stomp for two. Seth decides to grab the Money in the Bank briefcase for another Stomp onto it, but Dean ends up clobbering him with it for two. He goes out and finds some random cinderblocks underneath the ring, but as he goes for the Stomp to finish, suddenly the lights die, and some creepy chanting comes in over the sound system. As this happens, suddenly a lamp appears in the middle of the ring, and Ambrose stares at it like it's Ultimate Warrior in a mirror, circa 1998. Then, suddenly Bray Wyatt appears out of the cloud of smoke surrounding the lantern with a running bodyblock, and a scrapbuster allows Seth the pin at 13:56. Ridiculous ending aside, it was much more exciting than the earlier Cell match, but that ending was REALLY weak, and impossible to swallow. ** ¼

BUExperience: Pretty terrible show that came to a screeching halt with the boring Cena/Orton match, and was never able to recover. The main event is a fun brawl for the most part, but the ending was such a disappointing, cartoonish letdown that it essentially negated everything that came before it.

DUD