WWE Royal Rumble (January 2017)

Original Airdate: January 29, 2017

From San Antonio, Texas; Your Hosts are Michael Cole, Corey Graves, Byron Saxton, Mauro Ranallo, Tom Phillips, John Bradshaw Layfield, and David Otunga

Opening WWE RAW Women's Title Match: Charlotte Flair v Bayley: Charlotte's going to fuck herself up one day by doing that entrance every night with that enormous title belt strapped around her waist. Charlotte quickly takes her down in a front-facelock, but Bayley gets uppity, so the champ dumps her to the outside, and taunts her. Bayley, bless her heart, comes right back in and tosses CHARLOTTE out, then adds a stunner across the middle rope, and a headscissors takedown on the floor. She dives with a 2^nd rope flying bodypress out there before rolling Flair in for two, and Charlotte wisely bails to try and break the momentum. Bayley is on her out there, so Flair rams him into the apron to fight her off, then sends her into the steps for good measure. As annoying as their shaky camera work can be from time to time, it does make spots like that look ten times more brutal than they actually are. Inside, Charlotte exploder suplexes her for two, and a snapmare sets up a chinlock, giving us a chance to pan out and admire the large crowd. The lighting is really poor though, and gives the big stadium a very cold, warehouse like feel, however. WrestleMania XXX had that same issue, I recall. Bayley escapes another suplex with a schoolgirl for two, but Flair counters a backslide with a neckbreaker, and throws a big boot for two. The headscissor facebusters rattle Bayley's brain for two (love that spot, glad she's been working it back into her matches regularly again), but a double-clothesline leaves both ladies down. Charlotte controls the resulting slugfest, but Bayley dives with a hangman's clothesline (hangwoman's?), and a springboard bodypress for two. She continues mounting her comeback with axehandles, and a sloppy inverted sling blade sets up a trip to the top rope, but the challenger has a change of heart, and hops back down to stomp Flair some more first. Back to the top, a flying elbowdrop is worth two, but Charlotte kicks her in the leg to prevent a follow-up, and immediately applies the Figure Eight. Bayley fights to reverse, but Flair reverses back, and uses the ropes for additional leverage - only to get caught. Charlotte is bleeding from the mouth here, and it's nasty. I hope they just go to a wide angle so that I can pretend it's just lipstick. Flying moonsault, but Bayley lifts her knees to block for two, though the slow-mo replay clearly exposes that the knees didn't even come close to connecting - why bother showing a replay that kills the spot, anyway? Bayley tries a superplex, but Charlotte shoves her down to the floor, and a Natural Selection on the apron retains at 13:03. Solid, if totally unspectacular. ** ¼

WWE Universal Title No Disqualification Match: Kevin Owens v Roman Reigns: Chris Jericho is suspended above the ring in a shark cage for this, but before he gets forced into it, he helps Owens deliver a beat down. Having the shark cage sitting at center ring while they try doing spots around it is reminiscent of the electric chair from the Chamber of Horrors at Halloween Havoc, and that's not a comparison you want people to make. Once Chris is locked in the cage, Reigns takes control, and he brawls into the crowd with Owens - controlling as they tour the floor level, and back to ringside. Kevin manages to reverse a whip into the steps to turn the tide, and he uses a chair on his challenger, then whacks him with a TV monitor to setup a Cannonball against the barricade. He goes for a powerbomb off the apron and into a stack of chairs, but Roman blocks, and tries a vertical suplex into the stack, but Owens counters that by snapping the challenger's throat across the top rope. Back in, Reigns starts throwing clotheslines, and he brings a table into play, but Owens sneaks up with a lungblower for two before he can use it! Kevin tries another Cannonball, but Reigns counters with a spear, and adds a sitout powerbomb for two. Superman Punch, but Owens rolls to the outside to avoid it, so Reigns chases after him with the Drive-By out there. He tries setting up a table again, but is thwarted by a superkick this time, and Kevin puts him through it with a flying frogsplash! Back in, it gets two, so Kevin uses a chair on him again for two. Superkick and a whip into a corner wedged chair only gets two, so Jericho tosses down a some brass knux. You'd think, after decades of guys in the shark cage tossing weapons down, the officials would be wise to it by now and either a) search them prior, or b) hang the cage far away from the ring itself. Owens uses the knux to hit his own Superman punch for two, but a powerbomb onto an unfolded chair is countered with a Samoan drop onto it for two. Ouch! Reigns brings another table in, but again gets prevented from using it - this time when Owens schoolboys him for two. You'd think he'd have taken the hint about the damned tables by now. It's not happening son, move on! Roman manages the Superman for two, and again goes for the bloody table - this time stopped with a stunner for two, as some asshole in the crowd holds up a 'this is awesome' sign. Uh, no, it's not. Maybe life in San Antonio sucks, and this seems awesome by comparison, but let me assure you from a neutral perspective - this is unabashedly not awesome. Owens with another Cannonball to wear Reigns down for a superplex out of the ring into the chair stack from earlier, but Roman counters with a Superman - knocking the champ down into the pile instead. Reigns hops out to lug Owens' limp carcass in to pin, but then has a change of heart, and decides to put him through a table first instead. He's obsessed! But, this time he actually makes good on it, and manages to powerbomb Kevin through it. Fin-a-fucking-ly! I feel like he can die happy now. Back in for the spear, but Braun Strowman shows up out of nowhere, and powerslams him through a table (oh, the ironing is delicious) for Owens to pin at 23:28. Another underwhelming pay per view match between these two. They just don't have the chemistry necessary to work together at this level, and tacking a shitty ending on didn't help a bit. ** ½

WWE Cruiserweight Title Match: Rich Swann v Neville: Austin Aries sits in on commentary for this one. Swann wins a criss cross by dropkicking him out of the ring, then following with a plancha right away, but he gets hammered in the corner on the way back in. Neville with a well executed bodyslam, and a nice flying dropkick is worth two. Good to see Neville finally looking like a player on the main roster, even if it is in the disastrous Cruiserweight division. Slam, but Swann counters with a crucifix for two, so Neville tries for the rings of saturn, but Rich has the ropes. Neville with a snap suplex and a cross corner forearm for two, and he grounds the champion in a chinlock. Swann fights free, so Neville ducks out of the ring, and chucks Rich into the barricade when he follows. In, Neville tries a flying axehandle, but Swann swats him out of the air with a superkick, and hits a rana to send the challenger to the outside. Swann dives after him with a wild springboard corkscrew seated senton, then brings Neville back in for some mounted punches. Series of kicks are worth two, and a frogsplash is good for two. Rich goes up, but Neville dodges a dive - only for Swann to land on his feet, and throw a superkick. Neville responds in kind, but Swann counters a follow-up with a victory cradle for two, and smacks him with a second superkick for two. Once again, their use of slow-mo replays ends up doing more harm than good. Just because you have the technology doesn't mean you have to use it. Swann goes up, but Neville manages to bring him down with a vertical superplex for two, and the rings of saturn crown a new champion at 13:31. Good outing here, with both guys working hard, and delivering one of the most complete matches I've seen out of this division on the main roster thus far. *** ¼

WWE Title Match: AJ Styles v John Cena: Styles swipes at him with a kick to the leg right away, but that just serves to piss Cena off, and he destroys AJ. Styles tries mocking the five knuckle shuffle, but that just ends up getting him backdropped. Cena follows with the AA, but AJ counters with a kick to the leg, and adds an enzuigiri to put the challenger down. John fires back with a pair of shoulderblocks, but AJ escapes the side suplex-slam with a rana, then snapmares him over to setup a seated forearm for two. Styles Clash, but Cena counters with a pop-up flapjack, and the side suplex-slam sets up the Five Knuckle Shuffle, but AJ blocks, and delivers a German suplex rolled into a wheelbarrow facebuster for two! That was fantastic! Or, dare I say, phenomenal. AJ with a series of strikes, but Cena comes barreling after him with a lariat, and the Shuffle sets up the AA, but Styles holds the ropes to block. Cena responds by setting him down on the top turnbuckle to setup a superplex, but AJ counters into the rack bomb for two! Phenomenal Forearm misses, however, and that's enough to allow Cena the AA, but it only gets two. Cena pumps himself up to setup a big lariat for two, but a second try misses, and AJ throws the pele kick. Thank goodness, I was legitimately concerned that John was going to pop any moment there. Phenomenal Forearm gets two, so AJ starts punting at him to better get his point across, but Cena fights him off with an electric facebuster. That leads to a slugfest, and Styles gets the better of it with a kick at the leg, but the Clash is countered to the AA. AJ counters back to the Calf Crusher, but Cena counters that to the STF, so Styles counters to a cradle for two, then shifts into his own STF when Cena kicks out! John powers to his feet in the hold to counter to the AA, but AJ counters with a rana - only for Cena to counter back with a figure four! What a great chain, with sequence after sequence building up on one another. And it's not finished, as AJ counters the figure four into a triangle choke, which Cena then counters into a powerbomb - finally breaking the chain! John goes up for a flying legdrop, but AJ dodges, and hooks up the Clash for two! AJ keeps coming with the springboard 450 splash, but Cena lifts his knees to block, and delivers a sunset bomb for two. I love that move! Styles fires back with a fireman's neckbreaker for two, but Cena counters another try at the Clash with a slingshot into the corner, and then adds a scoop cutter for two. AA off the top looks to finish, but Styles defiantly gets a shoulder up at two. Another AA, but AJ counters to the Clash - not even bothering to cover as he scrambles to the rope to setup a follow-up. Phenomenal Forearm, but Cena catches him in the AA, then Oklahoma rolls into another immediate AA for the pin at 24:07 - tying Ric Flair's record of sixteen world title wins. Really good match here, as they pick their series up right where it left off in the fall. A bit too much of the big move/rest/big move style for my taste, but undeniably great nonetheless. ****

Main Event: #1 Contender's Royal Rumble Match: Two minute intervals this year. Jerry Lawler sits in on commentary for this, and I'm half hoping he recreates his famous 'takes a king... to know a king' spot from twenty years ago in this same venue. Big Cass gets #1 and Chris Jericho gets #2. Jericho gets cocky right away, and Cass kicks the shit out of him. Fallaway slam and a bodyslam setup an elbowdrop, but Chris dodges and tries for the Walls, but Cass blocks. He tosses Chris, but Jericho hangs on, and dives off the top at him - Cass blocking with a big boot at #3 draw Kalisto comes out. He dives right in with a springboard dropkick on Cass, and a handspring enzuigiri on Jericho, but an annoyed Cass cracks him with a big boot to end his party. #4 is Mojo Rawley, and boy, that big stadium aisle isn't doing them any favors with this match. Let's hope they've been in the gym working on their fitness. Mojo and Jericho gang up to try and dump Cass, but can't get him out, as Jack Gallagher draws #5. There's no way these intervals are two minutes. Jack beats everyone down with his umbrella, but Jericho gets it away from him, and delivers a bodyslam. Gallagher returns fire by cleaning Jericho's chimney with the umbrella, as Cass launches Kalisto across the ring for shits and giggles. Speaking of 'shits,' #6 is Mark Henry. It's kind of hard to believe that he's only forty five years old, given that he debuted all the way back (in this same role, no less) in 1996. He bounces everyone around, and Gallagher tries his best Mary Poppins impression with the umbrella, but Henry doesn't appreciate it, and tosses him. Shame, Jack would have been fun to see stick around a bit longer. #7 is Braun Strowman, and Jericho bails to the floor before he even gets into the ring. Rawley isn't that smart, however, and gets dumped, as does Cass. Kalisto tries peppering him with dropkicks, but ends up getting tossed with authority, leaving only Henry in the ring (Jericho is still hiding on the floor) for a big man showdown! Braun dumps him as well, as #8 draw Sami Zayn buzzes in. That was quite the run for Braun, but Sami ain’t afraid of no ghosts, and come in hot - peppering him with rights. He stupidly tries a vertical suplex, but that ends poorly, and Braun cross corner clotheslines him. #9 is Big Show, and Braun just stops dead to watch him make his entrance - which seems kind of stupid. We get another big man showdown between them, which also won by Braun. Show manages to avoid elimination with a Chokeslam, so Jericho runs back in, and tries a Codebreaker, but Show shrugs him off. Show's another guy who has been around for over twenty years, and he's actually YOUNGER than Mark Henry! I guess the key to longevity in this sport is being really, really big. So, get used to Braun, I suppose. He dumps Show as #10 draw Tye Dillinger joins us, and Sami takes a page out of Roman Reigns' Rumble playbook, and naps. He wakes up in time to help Tye double up on Strowman, but a tandem vertical suplex gets reversed, as James Ellsworth enters at #11. He's not too keen about getting in their with Braun, however, and just kind of hangs out on the floor instead. He's still out there as #12 entrant Dean Ambrose comes out, and he suckers James into getting in, then happily watches him get tossed. That was a nasty bump too, James landing right on his hip! With that out of the way, Dean runs in and starts giving it his all against the big man, with Dillinger and Zayn backing him up. Where's Jericho? #13 is Baron Corbin, and he joins the anti-Strowman coalition. Braun still manages to toss Tye, but gets overwhelmed by the other three, and a Helluva kick from Sami sets up a running clothesline from Corbin to put him out. Dean hits Corbin with the Dirty Deeds to quickly end that alliance, however, as Kofi Kingston enters at #14. He comes right at Zayn with a running dropkick, but fails to eliminate him. #15 is Miz, and Maryse must be feeling lazy tonight, because she doesn't even bother walking him all the way down the aisle. Seems kind of silly to get all dressed up and spend a half hour in hair and makeup simply to pop out for five seconds, and not even stay long enough to get a close-up. Kingston gets in his patented elimination tease in a neat spot where Corbin knocks him off the top rope, but he manages to hold onto the post to prevent from touching the floor, as Sheamus draws #16. Too bad Gallagher is already gone, I was hoping to finally determine which of them is paler. #17 is Big E, as Jericho finally shows back up, playing dead on the apron, and trying not to draw attention to himself. Big E comes in and literally spanks Miz, which even the announcers are, like, 'uh, that's... interesting strategy...?' #18 is Rusev, and Lana also doesn't bother to walk all the way down to ringside. Was there some kind of food poisoning scare at women's catering, and they're all afraid to venture too far away from a toilet, or something? #19 is Cesaro, and he starts passing out giant swings to anyone who asks. Miz, Zayn, Dean, Kofi, Baron, even Big E! He stops short of giving one to Sheamus, however, and Rusev superkicks him while he thinks about it. That was a fun sequence. #20 is Xavier Woods, as the entire New Day is now in the match. They go to work on Sheamus as a team in another fun segment, until Cesaro saves. Hey, it that's setting up another match between those two teams, I'm all for it. #21 is Bray Wyatt, and he does the full entrance, complete with turning off the lights. I may not like his matches, but when I went to RAW last year, participating in that entrance was one of the more fun parts of the evening. #22 is Apollo Crews, as the ring is starting to really clog up, and needs some serious deadwood clearance. As if on cue, Sheamus and Cesaro dump the entire New Day, but quickly turn on each other, and both gets dumped as well by Jericho. Nice to see he woke his ass up. #23 is Randy Orton, and he delivers RKOs to Baron and Rusev, then counters a flying Zayn with one as well. Dolph Ziggler draws #24, and he passes out superkicks like candy. It's great once in a while, but having every guy who enters pass out multiple signature moves is getting tiresome. You can't have just one tool in the booking toolbox. #25 is Luke Harper, and since I picked number twenty five in a Royal Rumble pool, that earns a big 'fuck you, bookers' from me. He dumps Crews. Jericho is now hanging out on the apron like it's a tag match, or something. You've gotta love him, he's incorrigible! Harper tries a Sister Abigail on Bray, but Orton saves with an RKO, as #26 draw Brock Lesnar joins the party. Heyman actually comes all the way down to ringside, you'll note. Brock absolutely MURDERS pool Ambrose on his way to tossing him, then rids us of Ziggler as well. German suplexes abound, as do F5s - everyone left down after Hurricane Brock. #27 is Enzo Amore, which seems like kind of a waste of that spot, since the crowd was expecting someone big to respond to Brock's utter dominance. Don't get me wrong, I love Enzo. But, no one buys him as a threat to Brock freaking Lesnar. And, indeed, he gets tossed by the Beast in a matter of seconds. Brock goes back to casually suplexing anything that moves, as Goldberg enters at #28. Now that's what the crowd was waiting for! Everyone lies around as Brock has his big showdown with Goldberg - Goldberg quickly hitting a spear, and eliminating the Beast. Hmm. I figured they were going to let Brock get his heat from Survivor Series back a bit to setup WrestleMania, but nope. Like, not at all. Goldberg takes over Lesnar's role of delivering ass kickings to anything that moves, until #29 draw the Undertaker joins the party! He's already in the ring when the lights come up from his entrance, and he grabs Goldberg by the throat, but Corbin and Rusev break it up. Both get tossed, and Goldberg hits Undertaker with a spear. That allows Harper to attack, but Goldberg quickly tosses him - Undertaker sneaking up and dumping Goldberg in the process! Now it's the Dead Man's turn to knock everyone around, until Roman Reigns rounds out the field at #30. Damn, so no Jerry Lawler. Reigns slugs it out with 'Taker, and they trade signature moves for a bit. Undertaker gets rid of Miz and Zayn (poor Sami worked some forty five minutes, and didn't have a notable spot since Strowman as eliminated), but ends up getting tossed by Reigns after Jericho distracts him. Yes, Chris is still in this thing. That leaves Jericho, Wyatt, Orton, and Reigns as the final four. Roman seems confused, perhaps looking for his My Pillow. He manages to orient himself and Superman Jericho out, but now he's alone with the Wyatt's. That goes as you'd expect, but Reigns manages to fight them both off with Superman's, and he dumps Bray. Spear for Orton, but he counters with an RKO, and that's enough to toss Reigns at 62:04. I know this one hasn’t been getting the best of reviews, but screw that, I actually thought it was quite enjoyable! Not the best Rumble ever, but certainly better than the last few, and the hour breezed by. Everything up to (and including) Strowman’s section was very well done, and while the match hit a few speed bumps in the middle, and tended to rely on the same booking tricks a bit too often, overall it was a strong effort. *** ¼

BUExperience: This ended up being much better than I was anticipating! The undercard was strong, with one great match, one good one, and nothing below average. I suppose how much you enjoy this one all comes down to your feelings on the Rumble match itself, since it’s the main event, and takes up over an hour. I liked it, so for me this is an easy thumbs up.

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