WWE WrestleMania 34 (April 2018)

Original Airdate: April 8, 2018

From New Orleans, Louisiana; Your Hosts are Michael Cole, Jonathan Coachman, and Corey Graves (RAW); Tom Phillips and Byron Saxton (Smackdown)

Opening WWE Intercontinental Title Triple Threat Match: Miz v Seth Rollins v Finn Balor: Gladd to see Finn is taking pride in his appearance tonight. Much like last year, I'll be noting bell-to-bell times throughout, and we're at about twelve minutes when the opening bell goes for this one. As usual, something about this building just doesn't do it for me. I realize a lot of it is the lighting choices, but the Superdome always looks so drab to me, and the sets are always cooler for the outdoor shows. Everyone trades off to start, until Balor is able to clear the ring, and dive onto both guys with a somersault senton suicida. He takes Miz in for a seated dropkick for two, but here comes Seth with a flying clothesline (super high elevation on that one), which gets Miz a two count after he tosses Rollins into the turnbuckles. Seth dives off said turnbuckles with a double 2^nd rope flying somersault neckbreaker, as we spot John Cena watching from the crowd. Shitty seat, too. Miz hits Rollins with a flying axehandle to set up a cobra clutch, but he has to let off to deal with Balor, and hits Finn with a neckbreaker for two. Rollins gets dumped, allowing Miz to try the cobra clutch on Finn, but Balor escapes in the corner. Finn starts making a comeback on the champion, and hits a double stomp, then knocks Miz out of the ring with an enzuigiri. He's quickly replaced by Seth, who sneaks up on Balor with a sling blade, sending his fellow challenger to the outside. That allows Seth to hit a tope, and he hustles back in to hit another one on Miz on the opposite side of the ring! Cardio, baby! Unfortunately, that allows Balor to recover, and Rollins eats a sling blade, but blocks the running dropkick with a superkick - only to get planted by Miz with a DDT for two! Miz tries a figure four, but Seth blocks and tries a springboard, only for Miz to knock him to the outside with a boot as he's bouncing. That allows him to slap the figure four onto Balor, and the ropes are out of reach, but Rollins saves with a flying frogsplash on Miz for two! Again, crazy elevation there - Seth's air game is on point. Everyone spills to the outside, where Rollins tries powerbombing Balor into the barricade (nice callback), but gets countered with a sling blade on the floor, followed by Finn with a running dropkick to knock both opponents into the barricade. He takes Seth in for the inverted 1916, but Rollins is able to block, and they slug it out. Seth throws an enzuigiri, but Finn throws a pele kick, and the inverted 1916 connects for two. Balor goes up for the flying double stomp, so Miz follows to try and superplex him off, only for Rollins to stop that effort with a buckle bomb. That allows him to superplex Balor himself, but Finn counters the shift into the falcon arrow with a small package for two! Bret Hart would have been proud of that one, awesome! Miz then dives on a disoriented Seth with the Skull Crushing Finale, but it's only worth two. Miz and Balor do a reversal sequence that ends in Finn hooking a victory cradle for two, and an enzuigiri sets up the flying double stomp, but Miz dives into the ropes to crotch his challenger on the top turnbuckle. Miz heads up to try a superplex, but here comes Rollins with an enzuigiri on both men. Seth follows up with a springboard, but Miz counters with a Finale off the top - only for Balor to break up the pin with a flying double stomp onto both men! He capitalizes with a sling blade and running dropkick on Miz to set up another flying double stomp, but Rollins stops the cover with a curb stomp to knock Finn out. Balor is done, but Miz is still stirring, so Seth curb stomps him as well, and pins Miz to snag the gold at 15:33. Lots of videogame sequences, but all three had such excellent chemistry together, that it totally worked. *** ½

WWE Smackdown Women's Title Match: Charlotte Flair v Asuka: Charlotte's entrance features a nice callback to the last WrestleMania held in this building, with the masked gladiators bringing her full circle from when she played one of the unknown masked gladiators as part of Triple H's entrance. I also really liked the way they segued the fanfare from Also sprach Zarathustra into her music here. Fourteen minutes between bells here. Feeling out process to start, as Cena continues to watch from his crappy seat. Asuka starts throwing hip attacks, so Charlotte this countering with a German suplex, but Asuka counters back with a victory cradle for two. Flair responds with chops, but gets flipped onto the apron on a corner whip, and hip attacked to the floor by her challenger. Back in, Asuka goes after the arm, but Charlotte fights off the Asuka-Lock, and drives the challenger into the mat with a few facebusters. Flying moonsault, but Asuka catches her in a triangle choke, only to have Charlotte counter into a Boston crab. Asuka escapes with a cradle for two, reversed by Charlotte for two. Asuka goes after the arm again, and throws an enzuigiri for two, but misses another hip attack. That leaves both women on the apron, where Flair tries a suplex, but Asuka blocks, and vertical suplexes the champion to the floor. The slow-mo replay of the impact just shows how much hell these athletes put their bodies through on a regular basis. Both beat the count back in, where Charlotte talks shit, so Asuka starts throwing strikes. Asuka with a missile dropkick for two, but Charlotte fights off a tornado DDT with chops, then brings Asuka down with an insane Spanish fly off the top! Holy fucking shit! Still only gets two, though. And, yes, I've seen cruiserweights do that before, but Charlotte is significantly taller than those guys are, so much like when you'd see Brock Lesnar hit the shooting star press, it was something special. And THANK GOD it didn't end up like that time Brock tried busting it out at a WrestleMania, because it could have gone so wrong in so many ways, but luckily it didn't, and was AWESOME! Charlotte tries adding the Natural Selection, but Asuka counters into a submission - stretching Flair as she shoots for the arm. Charlotte counters to the Figure Four, but Asuka blocks, so Flair throws chops. Asuka absorbs them and grabs the Asuka-Lock, but Flair counters the bodyscissors portion by flipping back into a cradle for two! That would have made a good finish, actually. Flair throws a spear for two, and this time gets the Figure Eight on (selling the arm as she bridges WAY up with it), and that's enough to hand Asuka her first loss in literally years at 13:09. The finish felt a little underwhelming, but it was logical. The match also felt a little disappointing given the hype, delivering something that was 'very good' as opposed to 'excellent.' *** ½

WWE United States Title Fatal Four-Way Match: Randy Orton v Bobby Roode v Jinder Mahal v Rusev: Thirteen minutes between bells here. First fall wins here. Rusev clears the ring right away, and dives off the apron with a flying somersault senton onto Orton and Mahal, but he gets schoolboyed by Roode for two on the way in. Bobby with a 2^nd rope flying somersault neckbreaker for two, and Roode teams with Orton to pinball Mahal around for a bit before dumping him. Randy hits Bobby with a snap powerslam for two, followed by a vertical superplex for two - cover broken by both Mahal and Rusev simultaneously. Rusev stomps a mud hole on Jinder in the corner, which a realize sounds vaguely racist, but that's the move name. He adds a spinning side suplex for two, and everyone spills to the outside, where Orton is able to side suplex Rusev onto the barricade. Mahal heads in to charge Roode, but walks into a spinebuster for two. Bobby tries the Glorious DDT, but Mahal blocks, so Roode shifts to a sunset flip instead, but Orton breaks the count at two, and dumps both guys. Randy drags Rusev in for the rope-hung DDT, but gets blocked, and Rusev unloads. He misses a spinheel kick, however, allowing Orton to deliver the rope-hung DDT on his second try. Perseverance, kids. It's what's for dinner. Or... something. RKO hits on both Rusev and Jinder, but Roode breaks the pin. RKO for him, but Roode counters with the Glorious DDT for two, as Mahal schoolboys Rusev for two. Rusev tries the Accolade, but Mahal counters with the cobra slam for three at 8:20. Crowd had fun with it, but the match was all over the place, and the finish felt really lazy. *

Mixed Tag Team Match: Triple H and Stephanie McMahon v Kurt Angle and Ronda Rousey: HHH and Stephanie's entrance on motorcycles is pretty cool, but a good step down from the badass police escort they had last year. Stephanie looks like a little kid being brought to work with her dad or something here as she mimics all of HHH's entrance poses. I go back-and-forth with myself on Ronda's attractiveness (usually dependent on whether she's wearing makeup), but the Piper cosplay deal and those shorts are big hits for sure. Sixteen minutes between bells here. Stephanie shoves Ronda during the instructions, then sneaks up to pull her down by the hair while a fuming Rousey is being led away by Angle! Stephanie is an awesome heel when she needs to be, and she's looking more and more like a buff Courtney Cox as she ages. Match starts with HHH and Angle, with Kurt hitting a backdrop early, and dominating Hunter with a hammerlock. HHH covering his mouth over as he calls spots and directs traffic is very obvious, guess the dude is a micromanager. Stephanie pulls down the top rope to allow Hunter to dump Kurt, where McMahon then sends Angle into the steps. That gets her chased by Rousey, but the referee intervenes, as HHH vertical suplexes Kurt back into the ring to set up mounted punches. HHH cuts the ring in half on Kurt (with Stephanie taking every opportunity to get in cheap shots that she can), and Hunter delivers a rotating spinebuster for two. Ronda furiously pacing on the apron as HHH keeps Kurt from tagging is coming off well, she's clearly a fan, and 'gets it.' HHH nearly collides with Stephanie as they try to cheat at one point, allowing Angle a side suplex, but McMahon pulls Ronda off of the apron just as Kurt is about to finally get the tag. Angle sends HHH flipping to the outside with a corner whip anyway, and Stephanie is suddenly terrified when she realizes that Ronda's gonna get that tag now, bitch. And tag in she does! Ronda charges in like a raging bull, forcing Stephanie into the ring by her hair, and slamming her around like a ragdoll. Ronda goes to town in the corner before launching Stephanie across the ring a few times, until McMahon is actively begging off. Ronda shows no mercy, forcing her out of the corner with a monkeyflip to set up the cross armbreaker, but Stephanie manages to block, and rakes the eyes. She crawls hard for the tag, but HHH is still down on the floor (from a cross corner whip?!) leaving Stephanie to fend for herself. She manages a DDT for two (Ronda absolutely EATING the mat on that one, and left with marks on her face for the rest of the match), then stretches Rousey with a bow-and-arrow. Ronda powers out, so Stephanie releases to use her momentum against her, all while mocking the former UFC champion. That pisses Ronda off, and she delivers a cool modified Samoan drop, but HHH pulls the referee out at two. Ronda complains, so HHH pulls her out as well, but here comes Kurt to slug it out with the Game. He takes Hunter onto an announce table for a German suplex, but HHH blocks, and tosses him onto the adjacent table. He heads in to check on Stephanie, but as he's helping her out of the ring, Rousey comes in behind him, challenging HHH to mix it up! HHH is, like, 'alright then, woman,' but it ends very badly for him. Ronda powers him up for that Samoan drop, but Stephanie pulls him off of her shoulders, and plants a hard slap across Rousey's cheek. McMahon is smart enough to hightail it out of there following that, but Rousey chases, and knocks Stephanie into the barricade. Post next, but McMahon reverses, as we spot mom Linda in the crowd. Inside, Angle hits HHH with an overhead suplex, followed by a three-alarm rolling German suplex, but the Olympic Slam is countered to the Pedigree. Kurt counters to the Anklelock, but HHH blocks, and tries for the Pedigree again, but Kurt counters with a catapult into the corner to set up the Olympic Slam for two! Anklelock, but Stephanie rushes in to prevent him from applying it, so Angle puts it on her instead! HHH saves with a Pedigree, but Ronda dives in to break up the cover at two. That earns her a powerbomb, but Ronda counters with a rana into a cross-armbreaker! HHH looks like he may tap, but Stephanie rushes in with a chinlock to pull Ronda off, but Rousey snapmares free into the cross-armbreaker! HHH rushes in to save, but Angle cuts him off with the Anklelock, and it looks like we'll have a double tap deal, but Hunter manages to power out - sending Kurt barreling right into Ronda in the process! Nice touch in there, as HHH holds Stephanie's arm up to prevent her from tapping before he can put together an exit strategy. Both heels try stereo Pedigree's, but Angle backdrops HHH over the top, and Ronda counters Stephanie into the cross-armbreaker! No husband to save this time, and Stephanie taps at 20:31! This was a total sports entertainment deal, and thankfully didn't waste anyone's time pretending to be about anything else. Everything it needed to be and more, this was a supremely entertaining match, and the perfect fit for this type of venue. *** ½

WWE Smackdown Tag Team Title Triple Threat Match: The Usos v The New Day v The Bludgeon Brothers: Only nine minutes between bells here. The Brothers get dropkicked off of the apron before they can even make it into the ring, but Kofi Kingston's attempt to blitz Jey Uso for a quick pin fails, and the Brothers end up pulling both teams to the outside for beating - even powerbombing poor Xavier Woods into the post despite him not being in the match. Inside, Rowan double splashes Jey and Kofi, before casually dumping Jey over the top. That allows the Brothers to go for the kill on Kingston, but Big E manages to save, and Jimmy Uso whacks Harper with a pair of superkicks. Flying splash gets two, but Rowan stops a double team from the champions, then saves Harper from taking the Big Ending as well. The Usos decide to dive at Rowan with stereo topes, but he catches them in chokes on the landing, so she tandem suplex his big ass on the floor instead. That allows New Day to try Midnight Hour on Harper, but he fights them off, so the Usos rush in with stereo superkicks to set up a tandem superplex on Harper - only for Rowan to knock them both out to the floor! Rowan then powerbombs Kingston, and Harper adds a superbomb for the title at 5:57. What a mess this was, as it was basically just a whole bunch of 'stuff' with little focus, but at least it wasn't boring or long. *

John Cena hits the ring next, waiting for an answer from Undertaker about his challenge for a match. However, instead of Undertaker, he gets a referee, who informs him that Undertaker isn't coming. Cena feels badly, but actually takes the news relatively well. Boy, he sure got over that quickly, didn't he? So he starts to walk out, when suddenly the lights die, but instead of Undertaker, we get Elias. He comes out playing House of the Rising Sun, and gets in Cena's face, which again Cena takes really well, all considered. He's just sorta, like, 'yeah, okay, whatever,' and leaves without incident, going back to his seat out in the crowd again. Are we supposed to like John Cena? Because I don't like John Cena. So Elias plays, but starts making fun of Cena in the process, and John hits the ring again to beat him up. So, after weeks of build, the payoff to this whole Undertaker storyline is Cena beating up... Elias? Cena halfheartedly poses on the ropes before leaving again, when the lights suddenly die a second time, with a spotlight shining on Undertaker's gear sitting alone in the ring (remember he left it there after losing last year). The gear is struck by lightning (cool effect), and the lights die again, with the man himself finally making his entrance to accept Cena's challenge

John Cena v Undertaker: Full twenty minutes between bells here. Undertaker is good and pissed that Cena interrupted his fishing time, and blitzes him in the corner to start. Jumping clothesline hits, followed by the ropewalk forearm, and boy, 'Taker is looking rough out there. Undertaker with a pair of corner clotheslines, followed by the snake-eyes into the big boot/legdrop combo. Chokeslam, but Cena counters with a side suplex to set up the Five Knuckle Shuffle, only for Undertaker to pop up before he can execute it. Chokeslam and the Tombstone finish at a brisk 2:44. Seriously, that's it? We finally get Undertaker/Cena at WrestleMania, and it doesn't even break three minutes? I get that Undertaker was apparently not physically able to work a longer match, but if that's the case, maybe don't book Undertaker? It's one thing if he's booked against, I dunno, Elias or somebody, but this is a match people have been talking about for over a decade, and it felt like a disappointment on a grand scale. DUD

The Hall of Fame class of 2018 (Goldberg, Jeff Jarrett, Mark Henry, Hillbilly Jim, Ivory, The Dudley Boyz, Kid Rock, and Jarrius Robertson) come out to take a bow. I usually try to get in the Hall of Fame ceremony before WrestleMania Sunday, but they're so damn long, and I actually haven't gotten around to it yet this year. Happy to see Jarrett get his due after being written out for so many years

Kevin Owens and Sami Zayn v Shane McMahon and Daniel Bryan: If Kevin and Sami win, they are rehired to Smackdown. Even with Owens and Zayn not getting an entrance (they come out of the crowd to attack), it's still been twenty one minutes between bouts here. Things immediately spill to the outside, where Zayn throws Shane over the barricade into Linda's lap, and gets into his children's faces for good measure. Owens decides to be a mega heel by powerbombing Daniel on the apron out there, and it looks like he may be done, as here comes the EMTs. I see Owens is continuing his awesome trend of wearing modified versions of corresponding WrestleMania t-shirts, in this case a WrestleMania III, since this is Kevin's third WrestleMania appearance. I dig that hard. Okay, so with Bryan seemingly out, Shane decides to go it alone anyway, and beats Owens down in the corner. McMahon lands a jumping backelbow, so Sami comes in to help his buddy out, but Shane destroys him as well. Boy, I thought I watching 2018 Shane McMahon, not 1995 Hulk Hogan. My mistake. He finally gets overwhelmed fighting on two fronts, and Owens hits him with a double stomp. Zayn adds a knee to the midsection for two, and drops an elbow to the gut for two. The heels work McMahon over, targeting the midsection, as EMTs continue to tend to Bryan on the outside. Zayn with an exploder suplex for two, and the blue thunder bomb gets two. Shane looks for a tag, but Daniel is still being looked at by the EMTs, allowing Zayn to try the Helluva Kick - only for McMahon to dodge! That leaves Sami in a tree of woe to set up the Coast to Coast, but Owens breaks up the pin by senton splashing McMahon. Kevin adds a flying frogsplash, but the cover is broken up when Bryan dives in for the save, triggering a 'YES' chant in the Superdome. Owens tries to stay focused with the Cannonball, but McMahon moves, and Zayn has to rush in to prevent the tag to Daniel. He slaps a chinlock on Shane, but McMahon escapes with a side suplex, and there's the hot tag! Bryan unloads, and hits a CRISP jumping clothesline on Sami, before diving at Owens with a flying high knee off of the apron. Back to Sami with a flying dropkick, then a saito suplex for an interfering Owens. Daniel hits each of them with multiple corner dropkicks, and Zayn eats a rana off the top, but Owens stops the Yes Kick by hooking Bryan's ankle. That allows Zayn to pop off the Helluva Kick for two, and Owens Pop-Up Powerbombs him for two! Sami starts drilling him with right hands, but Daniel no-sells, and responds in kind. Yes Kicks connect, and a crippler crossface is enough to tap Sami out at 15:22. This was fine, but didn't quite hit the technical levels most of these guys are capable of, while also falling short of doing a full on sports entertainment mess like the Mixed Tag earlier. **

WWE RAW Women's Title Match: Alexa Bliss v Nia Jax: I like how both Alexa and Charlotte's entrances feature them getting into the ring and winking suggestively at the camera. There's more than one tool in the toolbox, people. Thirteen minutes between matches here. Nia charges, so Alexa shoves Mickie James into her path to take the shot, knocking James to the outside. That's not it for her though, as Nia follows, absolutely brutalizing Mickie on the floor while Alexa looks on in terror. Alexa's scream in horror when Jax growls at her is fucking fantastic. Nia starts mauling her, and a press-slam sends Bliss bailing for the outside. She decides to take her belt and leave, but Jax jumps her with a clothesline on the floor, before forcing the champion back inside to continue the beating. Alexa swipes at the eyes to buy time, but her strikes do limited damage to the massive challenger. Still, Nia is blinded, and Bliss is able to capitalize on that enough to take out her knee. That cuts the challenger down to size, and Bliss goes to work. Leglock, but Nia thumps her with a forearm to escape, so Alexa tries a guillotine choke, but Jax easily powers out of it. Nia tries a charge, but Bliss sidesteps, and Jax spills to the outside - Alexa following with the Twisted Bliss out there. Jax beats the count, so Alexa knocks her into a turnbuckle smash with a running dropkick to the back, but a DDT is only worth two. That trigger a tantrum from the champion, and she takes it out on Nia with a series of slaps, but it only serves to wake the giant up, and Alexa gets tossed around! Bliss tries to fight her off in the corner, and she heads up, but a flying seated senton is caught. Alexa tries to counter out of a powerbomb, but ends up setting herself up for a whiplash into the turnbuckles instead! She desperately claws at the eyes to buy time, but still gets drilled with another whiplash for her efforts. Nia puts a bow on it with a Samoan drop off the middle rope, and we have a new champion at 9:02. Some good intensity here from Nia, and some quality scheming from Alexa made this solid. I'm a storytelling > spots guy, and this told a compelling story. **

WWE Title Match: AJ Styles v Shinsuke Nakamura: Nakamura gets played out by guitarist Nita Strauss (and a bunch of violinists), while AJ just kinda does his usual entrance. Fourteen minutes between bells here. Feeling out process to start, and Nakamura takes control with a kick for two, followed by a kneedrop. He bootchokes Styles in the corner, but AJ fights him off, and throws his own knee to put Nakamura down. Styles with a well executed snap suplex for two, but Nakamura blocks a second suplex, and starts throwing rights. AJ cuts him off with a backbreaker, followed by a kneedrop for two, and the champ slaps on a chinlock. He holds onto that one for quite a while, until Nakamura escapes to criss cross, but AJ drops him with a dropkick. Nakamura bails, and dodges AJ's attempts at going after him out there, and dominates Styles with strikes on the way back in. Nakamura with a 2^nd rope flying sidekick, and a knee in the corner is worth two. Gourdbuster connects, but AJ counters the follow-up with a wheelbarrow facebuster, as this thing putters along in the low gears. AJ with a seated forearm smash for two, and a pump-handle stomachbreaker is worth two. Don't see that one too often. Styles Clash, but Nakamura backdrops him onto the apron to block, so AJ tries the Phenomenal Forearm from there, but Nakamura counters with a fireman's brainbuster for two. Superplex, but Styles slips out between his legs, and tries hyper extending Nakamura's knee. Calf Crusher, but Nakamura counters to a triangle choke, forcing Styles to muscle up to a vertical base to escape via a sitout brainbuster. Clash, but AJ can't execute it, allowing Nakamura to throw a kick to buy time. Nakamura tries a knee in the corner, but AJ dodges, and lands the Phenomenal Forearm for two. This match just isn't connecting as the epic they're going for, and in fact, is falling flat. Styles tries the springboard 450 splash, but Nakamura lifts his knees to block, and gets a two count out of that. Both guys stagger up into a slugfest, won by Styles with the pele kick, but Nakamura clobbers him with a knee before AJ can follow up. Nakamura keeps driving his knee into AJ's head, and uses an inverted powerslam to set up Kinshasa, but Styles counters into the Clash for three at 20:18. Nice finish! This thing had huge expectations to live up to, and then just... didn't. It reminded me of the Shawn Michaels/Mr. Perfect match from SummerSlam '93, where they were trying so hard to deliver a classic that it just felt forced. And then afterwards, AJ helps Nakamura up for an embrace, and Nakamura drops to his knees out of respect as he presents AJ with the title belt - only to turn on his with a vicious low blow just as the crowd is having a smarkgasm. Great timing on that turn, and hopefully the rematch will deliver now that the pressure is off. ** ½

WWE RAW Tag Team Title Match: Cesaro and Sheamus v Braun Strowman and Nicholas: Braun is supposed to have a mystery partner, but shows up alone, chasing off the champions' parade goers like the monster that he is on the way down. Still no partner as we get to the ring announcements, as Braun grabs a microphone, and announces that his partner is in the crowd. He then proceeds to walk around ringside shopping for a partner, but he can't find anybody suitable. That leads him to jump the rail and walk through the crowd, before finally settling on a little boy (Nicholas, who is the son of long time referee John Cone - who is officiating this very match) and taking him to the ring by the hand to be his partner! I liked that they hid him deep in the crowd to make it look less like a plant, kinda the way they handled Earthquake's debut angle years ago. And yes, he may be a plant, but he's also a little kid, and he does a fantastic job of selling the wonder of it all. Eighteen minutes between bells here. Sheamus starts with Strowman, and gets tossed around the ring like he's stuffed with feathers, as shy Nicholas watches on from the apron - his eyes barely clearing the top rope. Cesaro comes in, but gets manhandled as well, and Braun chokeslams him for two when Sheamus breaks the cover. Strowman chases Sheamus around, but gets caught in a double team, and the champs manages a tandem vertical suplex. Sheamus adds a flying kneedrop, and Cesaro hits a flying somersault senton splash off of his partner's shoulders. They taunt Nicholas as they work Braun over, but get caught in a double bodypress from the big challenger, and Braun backdrops Sheamus over the top. Tag to Nicholas, but he's too timid to mix it up with Cesaro, and quickly tags back out. Cute. Cesaro tries to springboard at Braun, but gets caught in a running powerslam at 3:56! People have been shitting on this all week, but I thought it was great. It's not like the idea was to make Nicholas a serious star, it was to show that Strowman could beat both guys, even with a literal random child as his partner. This was exactly the kind of cute 'WrestleMania moment' we needed this late in the show too, because it acted like a palate cleanser. ½*

Main Event: WWE Universal Title Match: Brock Lesnar v Roman Reigns: Fourteen minutes between bells. Roman charges, but Brock railroads him into the corner to block, and unloads. Reigns fires back with fiery rights, but Lesnar takes him to Suplex City to stop the effort, hitting three Germans before Roman returns fire with two Superman punches. That knocks Brock to the outside, and Reigns goes after him with a Superman on the floor, before rolling Brock back in just so he can clothesline his ass right back out, over the top! Reigns tries another Superman out there, but gets caught in an overhead suplex, and Brock adds a second one. Brock throws him into an announce table next, but doesn't follow-up on it, instead taking the challenger inside for another trip to Suplex City. Lesnar hits another two release Germans, followed by another two overheads, until Reigns bails. Lesnar follows to throw his challenger into the barricade, but an attempt at an F5 out there is countered when Reigns shoves him into the post. He adds a spear into the announce tables, then takes Brock in for another pair of spears for two. Another spear, but Lesnar counters with a high knee for two, and drops Roman with an F5 for two. Another F5 gets two, and a third one still only gets two. Brock decides to toss Roman to the outside, and puts his challenger through a table with another F5 to try and get his point across. Back in, Brock throws in another German suplex on his way to a fifth F5, but Roman still gets a shoulder up at two. I get what they're going for, but it's not coming together. Brock is good and pissed now, and decides to get medieval on his ass, pulling his gloves off and beating Roman's face until he bleeds. And bleed he does, as Roman taps into a gusher here. Like, he's wearing a full crimson mask within moments, and blood is just spraying out of him. Lesnar tries another F5, but Roman slips free, and hits a pair of spears for two. Reigns growls at the champion through a veil of blood, but another spear is countered with another F5 at 15:53. What was even the point of the blood? They ended the match, like, a minute after he started juicing, before they even had a chance to build any drama off of it. This was a total videogame match that was built on one signature move after another ad nauseam, with a swerve of a finish to set up the rematch in Saudi Arabia. For those keeping score, that’s now four WrestleMania’s IN A ROW where Roman has went on last, a feat previously accomplished only by Hulk Hogan.  * ¼

BUExperience: At a mind numbing five hours and ten minutes this is tied with last year (to the minute) for the longest WrestleMania ever, and it’s just too much. I’m actually shocked that I was able to get through all the matches in a single sitting (I watched entrances and other notable segments separately). It’s a lot to take, even from the comfort of my own home, with the luxury of pausing to take breaks, and fast forwarding through filler. And there was quite a bit of that.

For those who kept score with me, the total time between bells added up to about 164 minutes! That’s, like, WrestleMania X's entire length! That’s about the length of an average WWE pay per view in the pre-Network era, and there were entire classic WrestleMania’s that came and went in that much time. And that was just the time between bells!

I realize that it would be difficult to get that genie back in the bottle after getting the audience accustomed to WrestleMania being so long, but it’s not like they haven’t done it before. The first few installments of WrestleMania generally got more bloated with each passing year before being cut down to a more manageable length of around three hours starting with the eighth one. And I’m not saying they need to go back to that, because condensing to three hours would be ridiculous too given the scale of these shows, and that the unique entrances and pageantry are half the fun. No, but at least maybe consider cutting down to around four hours. Hell, you can even do five hours, but at least kill off the pre-show then. I mean, five hours of wrestling is a lot, but doable, under the right circumstances (think of those old taping sessions in the 80s and 90s), but adding in another two hours of filler before it even starts is just insanity.

Though it had its share of flaws and disappointments, overall I still enjoyed it a lot. It’s a spectacle, it’s an event with a capital ‘e’ – it’s WrestleMania!

***