WWE Royal Rumble (January 2023)

Original Airdate: January 28, 2023

From San Antonio, Texas; Your Hosts are Michael Cole, Pat McAfee, and Corey Graves

Opening #1 Contender's 30-Man Royal Rumble Match: Gunther draws #1 and Sheamus draws #2. They get right into a slugfest, with Sheamus getting the better of it, but unable to get him over the top. Miz gets #3, and the distraction nearly lets Gunter eliminate Sheamus. #4 is Kofi Kingston, and he runs wild on the field, hitting Gunter and Miz with a double Boom Drop. #5 is Johnny Gargano, and he nearly gets Miz out, before Sheamus comes over with a Brogue Kick to help send Miz home. Xavier Woods draws #6, and messes around with Kofi. #7 is Karrion Kross, and he delivers some suplexes, as the crowd naps. Not a good sign for an opener. Or a Rumble match. Chad Gable draws #8, and does nothing. Drew McIntyre comes in at #9, and Kross is done. Slugfest with Gunther goes Drew’s way as well, as #10 entry Santos Escobar enters the fray. #11 is Angelo Dawkins, and man, this is just a boring, boring Rumble thus far. And there are way too many bodies in there right now, too. Gunter tosses Kofi and Xavier, but Kingston’s leg lands limp on a chair, so he’s technically still in. That was a pretty interesting and creative tease, even after so many years of interesting and creative teases from him. Brock Lesnar draws #12, and now things just got interesting! Everyone wants to gang up on him. That goes badly for everyone. Escobar is gone. Dawkins is gone. Gable is gone. Bobby Lashley gets lucky #13 as Brock slugs it out with Gunther, and Bobby dumps Lesnar! #14 is Baron Corbin, as Brock throws a tantrum at ringside. He takes Corbin out at ringside, takes out officials, throws furniture around - he ain’t happy. #15 is Seth Rollins, but takes so long getting to the ring that #16 draw Otis comes out before he even does anything. #17 is Rey Mysterio, but he never comes through the curtain. Dominik Mytserio draws #18, and apparently that’s why Rey never showed up: his son beat him up. Meanwhile, Otis gets dumped, but we’re all too busy talking about what a bad kid Dominik is, so no one cares. I kind of forgot Otis was even still in the promotion anymore, to be fair. Has he done anything since the Mandy Rose angle a few years ago? Elias draws #19, and McAfee is very, very excited about that one. Finn Balor comes in at #20, and gets into it with Sheamus, on the way to eliminating Gargano. Booker T draws #21, in his first televised WWE match since WrestleMania XXVIII in 2012. And he gets eliminated by Gunther before #22 draw Damian Priest buzzes in. #23 is Montez Ford. #24 is Edge, and he’s out to avenge Rey and wife Beth Phoenix by going after Finn, Dom, and Damian. He does some damage, and gets Finn and Damian out, but Mysterio manages to eliminate Edge. Boy, they’re booking short nights for some of the biggest stars. Austin Theory draws #25, as Rhea Eipley shows up to beat up Edge in the aisle. That draws Beth out to beat her up, and man, Edge needing his wife to make saves for him is not a great look. Omos draws #26, and knocks everyone around by being big. Braun Strowman comes in at #27, and it’s a showdown of giants with Omos. He dumps Omos, as Ricochet comes in at #28. Gunther manages to get Sheamus and McIntyre out, and here comes Logan Paul at #29. Everyone gangs up on Paul, but he hangs tough, and gets into it with Ricochet. Cody Rhodes rounds out the field at #30, and that’s it for Dominik. Ricochet and Paul do an awesome springboard contest that looks like something out of a Marvel movie, and Cody gets Braun out. Austin dumps Ricochet next, and Theory is next, leaving Gunther, Seth Rollins, Logan Paul, and Cody Rhodes as the final four. Enemies Rollins and Rhodes put their differences aside to gang up on Gunther, until Paul sneaks over to dump Rollins. Rhodes quickly deals with Paul, and we’re down to two! Gunther goes after the injured pectoral muscle with chops, but a big boot misses, and Gunther teases an elimination. Gunther goes back to pounding the pecs, and Cody teases an elimination. Gunther with a superplex, so Cody goes after the leg to buy time. Cody with a shattered dreams, but Gunther powers through with a powerbomb, and Rhodes teases another elimination. Gunther tries a sleeper, but Cody fights him off. Rhodes tries a dive, but Gunther swats him out of the air with a chop - only for Cody to comes back with a CrossRhodes! Clothesline, and Gunther is done at 71:39, leaving him with the longevity record as a parting gift. I found this to be a pretty dull Rumble most of the way through, and it felt like it overstayed its welcome, but I did like the old school nature of booking a bunch of stuff throughout that will likely lead to WrestleMania storylines. This also felt like a lot for an opener. The last fifteen minutes, or so, were very good, however. **

Mountain Dew Pitch Black Match: Bray Wyatt v LA Knight: The gimmick here is that the match takes place under black light, making the ropes, and some of the mat glow in the dark. It’s actually a pretty cool concept, actually. Bray dominates early, and suplex sends Knight bailing for the outside to regroup. Bray follows, attempting a suplex off of the steps, but Knight blocks. That ends in Knight putting him through an announce table (complete with a bunch of glow in the dark confetti flying everywhere), and they go back inside, where Knight hammers him. Knight grabs a kendo stick to up his game, but Bray quickly fights him off with Sister Abigail at 5:04. Cool concept, terrible match. DUD

WWE RAW Women's Title Match: Bianca Belair v Alexa Bliss: Bliss charges in for a slugfest right away, but that’s a losing proposition. Belair delivers a clothesline and a biel before taking Bliss into the corner for a ten-punch count. Alexa is so tiny that the spot doesn’t even work visually. Bliss fights her off, and takes the champion to the mat to stretch in a modified Mexican surfboard. Maybe it’s a baja version? Bliss switches to a chinlock, which goes on for a very long while, before Belair suplexes her way out of it. Belair with a sloppy hiptoss followed by a sloppy dropkick, and it’s back into the corner for another odd ten-punch. Just give up on it! Belair with a chinlock of her own, and a bow-and-arrow follows. Belair with a handspring moonsault, but Bliss lifts her knees to block. Belair quickly fights off the comeback attempt, however, and lands the moonsault on the second try for two. KOD time, but Alexa escapes. Reversal sequence ends in Alexa delivering a DDT for two, and a kneedrop follows. Senton splash gets the challenger two, but Belair quickly plants her with the KOD at 7:33. Another waste of time. ¼*

#1 Contender's 30-Woman Royal Rumble Match: Rhea Ripley gets #1 and Liv Morgan draws #2, and Ripley dominates that one. Liv appears to be paying tribute to 1992 Randy Savage with her color scheme tonight. Dana Brooke enters at #3, as the announcers note that she’s been in every single women’s Rumble match thus far. And she’s looked like a completely different person in each one of them! #4 is Emma, who I didn’t even realize was back on the roster. Everyone gangs up on Rhea, but it goes nowhere, and Shayna Baszler comes out at #5. Bayley draws #6, and I honestly thought she was Dakota Kai. She gets into it with Morgan, and B-Fab enters at #7. Ripley quickly eliminates her, however. #8 is Roxanne Perez, and apparently she’s from the highway originally. Dakota Kai draws #9, and yeah seriously, she and Bayley are secret sisters. #10 is Iyo Sky, and she backs up pals Bayley and Dakota. Natalya draws #11, and she’s got a version of Jim Neidhart’s beret from 1990, in a neat tribute. Candace LeRae comes in at #12, as Shayna and Natalya get dumped while fighting it out. Zoey Stark draws lucky #13, and you know, of all the cutesy booking tricks they’ve run, they’ve seriously never booked a winner from the thirteen spot? Xia Li draws #14, and so many of these works have far too similar gear/color schemes. Luckily, LeRae gets eliminated to bring the neon green quota down a bit. Becky Lynch draws #15, and she storms down to the ring like she’s Steve Austin. Tegan Nox draws #16, bringing more neon green into play. Asuka draws #17, and knocks some heads. Piper Niven comes in at #18, and apparently she’s a ‘favorite’ to win. There’s puffing, and there’s lying, and that’s on the wrong side of that line. #19 is Tamina, as the announcers continue engaging in what appears to be some sort of dare to create rhymes for every entrant. Chelsea Green gets #20, and gets a big star entrance… then immediately eliminated by Ripley. Bayley gets Lynch out, but gloats, allowing Morgan to dump Bayley! Zelina Vega draws #21, and apparently she’s a videogame! Raquel Rodriguez enters at #22, and she runs wild for a bit. Mia Yim draws #23. Lacey Evans draws #24, and she takes everyone to bootcamp. Michelle McCool draws #25, and she’s actually sitting in the front row when her number gets called, and just makes her entrance from there. Weird bit there, was she supposed to be surprised to be in the match? She eliminates Tamina, as Indi Hartwell comes in at #26. At least her green is more of a teal than a neon. By the way, am I the only one who thinks it’s weird that they’re reusing the tagline from WrestleMania 21 for this year's show? They’re usually much better about that sort of thing. Sonya Deville draws #27, and takes forever to get in there, but dumps Zoey the moment she gets in. Evan eliminates Vega in dramatic fashion (with Zelina taking a hard bump), as Shotzi joins the party at #28. Sonya eliminates Indi, and here comes Nikki Cross at #29. Lots of energy from her, at least. That was an Ultimate Warrior worthy entrance. #30 is Nia Jax to round out the field, making her first appearance since September 2021. Nia runs wild, but gets ganged up on, and dumped. We still have, like, a third of the field in the ring after the last entrant, this thing needs to pick up the pace. The field slowly thins out, until we get down to Rhea Ripley, Liv Morgan, Asuka, and Nikki Cross as the final four. I probably would have let Rodriguez have Nikki’s spot there, instead of having her get dumped by Ripley moments before. Liv dumps Nikki, so Asuka sprays her with mist, but Ripley eliminates Asuka before she can capitalize. Rhea goes after the blinded Liv, but get fought off, and Ripley does a great elimination tease. Morgan hammers her hands to try and shake her off the ropes, but Rhea powers her over the top for the win at 61:08. What, two matches in a row where the first people in there are still in there at the end? *

Main Event: WWE Title and WWE Universal Title Match: Roman Reigns v Kevin Owens: They measure each other to start, with Reigns dominating early on, but Owens able to turn it around. Kevin stomps a mudhole in the corner to set up a cannonball, and Reigns wisely bails. Kevin is on his tail, winning slugfest with a whip into the barricade, and delivering a senton splash on the floor. Inside, Kevin keeps hammering him, but a cross corner whip gets reversed, and Roman adds a uranage for two. Roman with a Drive-By for two, and a big boot rattles Owens, but not enough to prevent Kevin from delivering a clothesline. Another one sends Reigns over the top, and Owens dives from the apron with a frogsplash on the floor. Owens rolls him right back in for a flying frogsplash for two, but Reigns counters a big boot with a sitout powerbomb for two. Superman punch gets two, so he tries the spear, but Owens sidesteps. That allows Kevin a superkick, and a flying somersault senton splash gets the challenger two. Owens tries a springboard, but he botches it. He recovers with a senton splash and a 2nd rope moonsault, but Reigns dodges the latter. That allows Reigns a spear for two, but Owens fires back with the pop-up powerbomb - only for the referee to be bumped, so no count. The downed official allows Reigns to go low, and he instructs Sami Zayn to pass him a chair. Sami complies, but he’s slow, and Owens catches Reigns with a stunner for a dramatic two count! He tries the pop-up powerbomb again, but Reigns counters with a Superman, and immediately adds a spear for two. Owens bails, where Sami pleads with him to stay down, but Reigns responds to that by spearing Kevin through the barricade. Roman rolls him in, but Owens has enough presence of mind to roll back out before a cover can be made. Reigns responds by bashing his head into the steps in brutal fashion, and a spear finishes it up at 19:11. This got better as it went on. ** ¾ 

BUExperience: They’re in a weird spot. The Rumble concept is awesome, and everyone digs it, but two hour long matches (no matter how entertaining a gimmick) is a lot to stomach on any one show. One could stand to be branched off onto a different pay per view. But that would be stupid. So, we’re left with this.

Honestly, I know people thought it was dumb in 1995, but they should test the waters with another abbreviated Rumble. Reduce the intervals, and see what happens. It’s not like anyone does that much with their time - it’s the same run in, run wild, blend in routine for nearly everyone. Wrap these things up in forty minutes each, and maybe we’ve got something. I mean, it’s at least worth a try. 

DUD