WWE Night of Champions (September 2014)

From Nashville, Tennessee; Your Hosts are Michael Cole, John Bradshaw Layfield, and Jerry Lawler

Opening WWE Tag Team Title Match: The Usos v Goldust and Stardust: Full disclosure: I can't tell the Uso's apart, so much like any Harris Brother matches from fifteen years ago, I'm going to rely on a mix of the announcers, and plain guessing. The Usos control early on, but run into a double-team in the wrong part of town, and the challengers work Jey's leg. He manages to get the tag to Jimmy, but he quickly falls into a heat segment as the challengers cut the ring in half. Stardust ends up missing a charge in the corner to allow the tag to Jey, and it quickly turns into a brawl! Jey with a flying bodypress for two and drops Stardust like a Samoan. Superkick for Goldust, but Jey walks into Dark Matter from Stardust, and everyone ends up diving out of the ring for a dog pile. Jey goes for the kill with a flying splash for Stardust, but the challenger lifts the knees, and pins Uso off of it at 12:55. Got quite good towards the end, but didn't really do anything for me overall - though it wasn't a bad effort, and the right team went over. *

WWE United States Title Match: Sheamus v Cesaro: Reversal sequence to start, ending in a stalemate on the ropes. Sheamus gets the better of another sequence with a side-headlock, but the challenger manages to power into the ropes to break, so Sheamus blasts him with a short-clothesline instead. High knee and a rolling fireman’s carry slam get two, but an attempt at tossing Cesaro over the top gets the champs neck snapped across the rope. Cesaro with a flying axehandle, and he grabs a side-headlock, but Sheamus muscles to his feet, and both guys end up tumbling over the top. That looked really back for whatever reason. Like, their movements felt clumsy and awkward instead of fluid. Back in, Sheamus goes to the top, but Cesaro dives at him with an uppercut to knock him to the floor again, and the challenger snapmares him in for a kneedrop. Sleeper, but Sheamus reverses, so Cesaro executes a side suplex to shake him off. Lariat gets two, and he goes for a series of European uppercuts, but walks into a pair of modified backbreaker for two. White Noise, but Cesaro escapes. Brogue Kick, but Cesaro counters with the Very European Uppercut for two. Sheamus with a powerslam for two, but the Brogue Kick misses again, and Cesaro cradles him for two. Double-underhook powerbomb gets two, and an Olympic slam for two. Frustrated, Cesaro starts simply punching him in the face, but Sheamus does his best Roddy Piper impression, and hits the elusive Brogue Kick to retain at 13:03. Another technically fine match that I couldn't get emotionally invested in. Maybe if we had 1994 Vince calling things, and excitedly yelling about a 'see-saw matchup, back and forth!' *

WWE Intercontinental Title Match: Dolph Ziggler v The Miz: Florida Georgia Line (a band?) join us for guest commentary, and proceed to step all over the match by making chit-chat with the announcer throughout. Miz tries a side-headlock, but gets reverses, and Dolph shoulderblocks him, then hits a Thesz press. Superkick, but Miz blocks, so Ziggler hiptosses him instead, and drops a series of elbows to send Miz running. Dolph gets overzealous and runs into a big boot for two, and Miz slaps on a chinlock. Dolph escapes and hits a lariat, then into the corner for a Stinger splash. Fameasser, but Miz blocks, so Dolph turns it into a sunset flip for two. Cactus clothesline puts them both on the floor, allowing Damien Sandow to interfere. That gets him beat up by the band, for no apparent reason, and R-Truth chases him to the back. Inside, Ziggler hits a superkick for two, but the fameasser misses, and Miz slaps on a figure four. Ziggler makes the ropes to break, and quickly pops up to his the fameasser, but it only gets two. He tries for another, but Sandow runs back out and distracts him from the apron, allowing Miz to roll him up with a handful of tights at 9:25. Not as good as the SummerSlam match, and the announcers complete and total disinterest in it didn't do them any favors. ¾*

Rusev v Mark Henry: Who'd have honestly thought MARK HENRY would still be an active wrestler in 2014? Slugfest to start, won by Henry as he puts Rusev on the floor. Rusev charges back in for another slugfest, but gets knocked out to the floor again. Henry prevents him from climbing back in, but ends up taking a pair of cross corner charges, and Rusev goes after the ribs with some kicks and a series of falling headbutts. Cobra clutch, as we get a nice shot of current official WWE belt maker Dave Millican in the front row. Henry escapes and tries a slam, but the ribs act up, and Rusev spinheel kicks him. Accolade, but Henry muscles up, and hits a bodyslam. Rusev bails, but then just casually walks back in, hits a kick to the face, and slaps on the Accolade at 8:20. Um, okay. Really dull and painfully slow stuff, but at least it was well placed on the card. DUD

Randy Orton v Chris Jericho: Jericho's another one. Seriously, the shelf life on these guys is insane these days. Jericho, Henry, Big Show, Kane. I mean, can you imagine guys who were in their prime in, like, 1984 headlining Attitude Era stuff? Aside from WCW, of course. And with guys like Jericho, it's not like they were just breaking into the business in the late 90s, either. Chris shows some fire early, but ends up getting crotched on the top, and superplexed for two. Chinlock, but they quickly change gears and go out to the floor for Randy to side suplex Chris on the announce table. Back inside, it gets two. Chinlock again, as the announcers actually compare Orton to a 'young Barry Windham,' and crowd naps. Chris with a flying axehandle and a bulldog to setup the lionsault, but Randy tolls out of the way, and hits a neckbreaker. Wow, the crowd couldn't even give Chris a polite pop for the comeback, that's not a good sign at all. RKO, but Chris counters into the lionsault for two, and tries for the Walls, but Randy powers him off before he can lock it on. Orton tries a punt, but Chris dodges, and schoolboys him for two. Walls, but Randy escapes, and hits the rope-hung DDT. RKO, but Jericho counters into the Codebreaker for two. I hope this doesn't sound like a good match from the description, because the spots are there, but there's, like, an average of forty seconds between each one. Chris tries capitalizing with a flying bodypress, but Randy catches him in the RKO at 16:18. And hopefully Jericho calls it a career there, because enough is enough, and he's wiping his ass with legacy already. Like everything else so far on this show, it left me really cold. If the main event is anything short of a five-star thirty minute match, there may be no saving this one. ¾*

WWE Divas Title Triple Threat Match: Paige v AJ Lee v Nikki Bella: Well, that, or Nikki Bella pulls a four-star classic out of her ass. Paige and Nikki get into a shovefest to start, so AJ knocks them both over, and victory rolls Bella for two. Nikki comes back with a sleeper, but AJ stuns her way out, and bails. Nikki with a springboard roundhouse kick on Paige for two, and she slaps on a cross armbreaker. AJ comes back in to break things up, and she hits Paige with a spinkick for two. She goes up, but Nikki shoves her down, and covers for two. And, wow, Paige and AJ must be tiny, because Nikki looks like Andre the Giant working with them. Paige saves Lee and tries to give her a hug, but Lee rebuffs her, so Paige destroys her with forearms and kneelifts. Nikki grabs AJ with a hammerlock slam for two, but ends up in the Black Widow - saved by Paige. The champ decides to kill two birds with one stone by superplexing AJ onto Nikki, but takes too long setting it up, and Bella powerbombs them both down, in a neat spot. That leaves everyone for dead, but Bella manages to Rack Attack (no, really, that's what it's called) Paige for two - saved by Lee. AJ tosses her out of the ring, and with Nikki out of the way, the Black Widow finishes Paige at 8:47. They tried. Honestly, they were probably trying harder than anyone on the card to have a great match thus far, and even if the end result was nothing special, the effort is appreciated. *

Main Event: WWE World Heavyweight Title Match: Brock Lesnar v John Cena: Cena tries charging at the bell, but Brock simply catches him, spears him into the corner, and unloads shoulderblocks. German suplex, so Cena hangs onto the ropes for dear life to keep that trend from starting again, and fires off a pair of clotheslines. FU only gets one, and Cena is shocked. He tries to go after the champ, but Lesnar grabs the arm for a Kimura Lock, so Cena uses the ropes to escape. Brock unloads with knees, and grabs the dazed Cena in a German suplex. That sparks something in Cena and he desperately dives at Brock, but Lesnar grabs the arm again, so John holds the ropes. Brock punishes him for it with some kicks, but another Kimura is blocked with the ropes. Release German suplex gets two, and a three-alarm rolling snap suplex follows. Cena tries making another superman comeback, but Brock casually swats him away, and cradles him for two. Back to the arm, but Cena wisely stays within reach of the ropes at all times. Brock responds with an overhead suplex for two, but Cena won't stay down - Paul Heyman selling it brilliantly with his facial expressions on the floor. Lesnar with another German suplex, and he decides to take the gloves off to finish John-boy good and proper. He unloads in the corner, but Cena dives out with another FU out of nowhere for two. Brock responds with the F5, but Cena has it scouted, and manages to counter into the STF. He wrenches it on, but Brock counters into the Kimura, and this time Cena can't get the ropes! He manages to impressively power up and ram Brock into the corner to shake him off, then muscles into another FU into another STF! That was some incredible power by Cena there. Brock inches towards the ropes so Cena keeps dragging him away and reapplying, but he can't slow the champion down. Realizing he's on a fools errand, John picks him up for another FU, but Seth Rollins runs in for a disqualification at 14:19. And with Brock all messed up (or, at least, as close as possible), Seth tries cashing in his Money in the Bank briefcase - only for Cena to kick his ass to cut that effort off. Okay. This couldn't quite recapture the 'holy shit!' feeling of the SummerSlam match, but it was still a solid power exchange with some good never-say-die storytelling, marred only by a bad finish. ***

BUExperience: A really bland show where the wrestling wasn’t necessarily bad, but where (outside of the main event) I had trouble making any emotional connection with the material.

DUD