WWF Monday Night RAW (January 16, 1995)

Original Airdate: January 16, 1995 (Taped January 9)

From Houston, Texas; Your Hosts are Vince McMahon and Shawn Michaels

Opening Match: The Heavenly Bodies v 1-2-3 Kid and Bob Holly: The Bodies attack before the bell, and quickly toss Kid to work over Holly. They get right to cutting the ring in half, (like, RIGHT to it... the whole show is two and a half minutes in, and they're already into the heat segment of a tag match), and Del-Ray nearly takes Bob's head off with a superkick for two. The Million Dollar Corporation come down to observe their Rumble opponents from the aisle as the Bodies discombobulate Holly, but Bob manages to knock their heads together and tag. Kid is a house of arson, and we get a nice finish as the Bodies try to double suplex Kid, but Holly spears Tom Prichard, and Kid fisherman suplexes Del-Ray for the pin at 4:40. The Bodies aren't useless, so this could have probably been alright given some time, but as is, it was pretty much nothing but last minute hype for the Rumble. *

Bret Harts and William Shatner give a backstage interview, with Hart promising that even though he hasn't wrestled since Survivor Series, he's at 100% ahead of his match tonight - and title match at the Rumble. New look for Bret too, as he's got new tights, a new jacket, and even some stubble going

Mantaur v Jason Arndt: The production goofs make a huge mistake in showing Mantaur with a different haircut and minus the face paint in their 'coming up next' graphic. Ha, no wonder they changed his look - he looks like a picture you see on the six o'clock news of some guy who got picked up for robbing a convenience store, or something. And you know it's bad when it makes the fucking Mantaur gimmick look good. Quick debut squash here, as a splash finishes the jobber at 1:44. Luckily, Jim Cornette would move on to managing the real Vader the next year. DUD

Royal Rumble Report. We can make fun now (we can start with Todd Pettingill's tie this week), but I could not have been more excited as a kid. I even remember going to Sunday School the day of the show, and asking the teacher if it'd be okay to pray for Bret winning the title back. Yeah, they weren't happy about that one

Bret Hart v Jeff Jarrett: Bret has Shatner with him for support, but hopefully not as backup, because I'm not sure how much good those monkeyflips are going to do. Bret looks so funny with the stubble. I get that they were trying to illustrate that he's more aggressive in his return, but it just looks weird. Jeff tries stalling him, but Bret goes to work with a few hard rights, and he takes Jarrett down with an inverted atomic drop and a clothesline. Lots of aggressiveness from Hart here, as he grinds Jeff's face across the ropes, uses a closed fist, and even rakes the eyes. Though I hated the aggressive heelish Bret act as a kid, but I can appreciate it much more now as an adult, and it's too bad they didn't do more with it before turning him into a midcarder after the Rumble. Hart with a pair of pointed elbowdrops to setup an armbar, and a backslide gets two when Jeff tries to escape. Jarrett comes back with a dropkick and a swinging neckbreaker, but Hart sunset flips him (complete with using the tights to pull him down) for two, so Jeff whips him hard into the corner. 2^nd rope axehandle hits, but a second try gets him gut-punched, and Bret hits another inverted atomic to setup a Russian legsweep for two. Backbreaker and the 2^nd rope pointed elbowdrop for two, but Jeff rakes the eyes to block the Sharpshooter. Hart headbutts him to cutoff a comeback, and shows more aggressiveness by tying him in the ropes, but Roadie helps Jeff dodge a bodypress - Bret crashing into the ropes. Figure Four, but Shatner helps Hart reach the bottom rope, and Bret uses the tights to cradle Jeff for the pin at 12:03. Afterwards, Shatner kicks the shit out of Roadie in pretty aggressive fashion. Kinda weird that they'd job Jarrett only days before his big Intercontinental Title match, but looking over the heel side of the roster in early 1995, they didn't have too many other options, really. One of the goofs from the Million Dollar Corporation might have made better choices, though. * ½

Slim Jim promo with DIESEL! Huh, never realized they were still doing these. Kinda figured Savage just took the deal with him to WCW, but I guess maybe that wasn't until later

On Superstars over the weekend, Bam Bam Bigelow and Tatanka defeated The Headshrinkers to advance into the finals of the Tag Team Title Tournament, while Bob Holly and 1-2-3 Kid defeated The Heavenly Bodies

Jerry Lawler hosts The King's Court, with Ted DiBiase's Million Dollar Corporation to hype their various matches for Sunday's Royal Rumble

Superstar Hotline promo. You can play Royal Rumble trivia for only two bucks a minute! God, how did we ever survive without the internet?

Mabel v Lee Toblin: Mabel's still a babyface at this point, but the heel turn is imminent. And dear lord, what did they see in this guy that screamed 'SummerSlam main event' to them? Or even 'King of the Ring,' for that matter. Oh, right, fat. They saw fat. The jobber is dressed like 80s era Jerry Lawler here (complete with facial hair), but he gets no respect from Mabel, who quickly finishes him with an enzuigiri and a legdrop at 2:30. Afterwards, Vince and Shawn interview Mabel at ringside, but King Kong Bundy gets into his face. Again, since 'fat,' basically. DUD

Pamela Anderson goes for a walk on the beach, and nearly gets molested by a gaggle of wrestlers. Interestingly, all heel/face allegiances are put aside as everyone seems totally (and creepily) game for some gang rape here. And, you know, normally I'd throw in a line about how all the wrestlers just 'happened' to be on the same beach at the same time, but given how many of these guys actually live in Florida for real, I'd bet this happened more often than you'd think

Diesel vignette, as they desperately try to get him over. Just shows you how badly he was bombing on top, because when else did they ever do random video packages on guys that were ALREADY World Champion?

BUExperience: I’ve definitely seen worse (far worse), and while this wasn’t terrible, it was certainly a dull go home show for the Rumble. Where the fuck is Diesel? I mean, besides that random video package to close the show, would it have killed them to have him show up on one of these last two shows and do, like, ANYTHING? No wonder they were bombing so badly