WWE Armageddon (December 2004)

Original Airdate: December 12, 2004

From Duluth, Georgia; Your Hosts are Michael Cole and Tazz

Opening WWE Tag Team Title Match: Rob Van Dam and Rey Mysterio v Rene Dupree and Kenzo Suzuki: Rob and Rey's matching black/yellow gear is both really aesthetically pleasing AND evokes the Killer Bees. Win/win/win. The third win is gratis. Rob starts with Kenzo, and wins a reversal sequence, then tags Rey in - powerbombing Mysterio onto Suzuki for two. Rey keeps on him with kicks, but gets reversed into the corner, and Rene gets the tag - giving Rey a cross corner whip of his own. Rey uses his speed to headscissor Dupree into the 619, but Suzuki fires off a cheap shot, so Rey stops to deliver a sunsetbomb on him. That sequence ends with everybody in a dog pile on the floor, and inside, Mysterio hooks Dupree's leg for two. Rob with a monkeyflip for two, and a vertical suplex sets up Rolling Thunder, but Rene punches him in the dick to block. Well, that works. Dropkick follows, but Suzuki is still down on the floor, so the champs manage a slingshot/flying seated senton combo for two. Suzuki manages to recover and trip RVD up, however, and the challenger's take control. Suzuki works him over in the corner, but Rob blocks a turnbuckle smash, and hits a modified enzuigiri to allow the tag. Mysterio comes in hot, but runs into a double-team, and the challengers finally take over - cutting the ring in half on Rey. Mysterio manages to headscissor Dupree into the post to allow the tag to Van Dam, and RVD is a dispensary of fire! That ignites a four-way brawl, and the Five Star Frogsplash finishes Dupree at 17:13. Fun match, as Mysterio and Van Dam seemed to be having a ball coming up with unique tandem moves. The heat segment was a little on the dull side, but a solid opener, overall. **

Kurt Angle Invitational: Kurt Angle v Santa Claus: If Santa can last over three minutes, he wins Kurt's Olympic gold medal. Bell goes, and Kurt immediately hits the Olympic Slam before slapping on the Anklelock at 0:27. Well, this was an appropriate use of pay per view time. DUD

Dixie Dog Fight: Daniel Puder v Mike Mizanin: Yes, that Miz. And he looks like a child here. This is a boxing match, with three one-minute rounds.
ROUND ONE: Puder controls in the early going, but Mizanin stays fired up, and manages to knock Puder into the ropes. Miz keeps trying to shoot at the leg, like a moron. Even the referee keeps shooting him glances, like, 'dude...' Call this round a draw.
ROUND TWO: Mizanin flails at him like a fucking spaz, but can't land anything. Puder gets in a couple of shots, but can't get Mike off of his feet - though he almost does. Call this round Puder's.
ROUND THREE: Mizanin keeps fighting like a dumbass, and attempting to sweep the leg. He even looks for a headlock at one point. None of that WORKS, mind you, but it keeps Puder from landing anything for the duration of the round, so there's that. So, we're at the end of the 3:00, and no one even got knocked down, or landed any significant shots, so they decide to let the crowd decide who won, and it's Puder. Well, this was an appropriate use of pay per view time! –½*

The Basham Brothers v Hardcore Holly and Charlie Haas: Danny Basham starts with Holly, and manages a hiptoss, but walks into a bodyslam. Holly schoolboys him for two, but Danny gets the tag of to Doug Basham before any more damage is done. Holly manages to side suplex Doug anyway, and he passes to Haas. Charlie with a fireman’s carry for two, and he throws a pair of armdrags at Danny, but runs into a fist, and gets snapmared into a chinlock. The Basham's cut the ring in haalf on Haas, until Charlie manages to counter a short-clothesline into a head-and-arm suplex to allow the tag. Holly is a house of arson to ignite the four-way brawl, but Haas gets distracted by Dawn Marie cat fighting with Miss Jackie in the aisle, and Holly gets rolled up at 6:53. This was fine, albeit total paint-by-numbers stuff, with a TV finish. ½*

WWE United States Title Street Fight: John Cena v Jesus: Wow, not a good night for Christianity as a whole, is it? Cena blitzes him in the corner to start, but Carlito passes Jesus a Singapore cane, and he cracks John with it. Cena no-sells and returns the favor on the outside, then beats his challenger into the crowd - bloodying him along the way. They fight through the crowd for a bit, with Cena destroying him at will, then back to ringside, John hits a flying bulldog off of the guardrail. Back in, Cena unloads with a trashcan lid, and the FU finishes at 7:51. CENA SQUASHES JESUS, LOL. ½*

Dawn Marie v Miss Jackie: Charlie Haas acts as the special guest referee for this one. They trade slaps to start, and Jackie throws her around by the hair for a bit, but gets 'backdropped.' Slugfest goes Jackie's way, and she hits a 'spinebuster' to trigger a catfight on the mat. Jackie tries a rollup, but Dawn reverses for the pin at 1:44. Thank God this was short, because this was on track to be one of the worst matches of all time. I mean, how do you fuck up a backdrop? –½*

Handicap Match: Big Show v Kurt Angle, Luther Reigns, and Mark Jindrak: Jindrak starts, but seems more inclined to pose than wrestle. Show tosses him around, so Mark bails to Kurt, but Angle suffers the same fate. Over to Reigns, and he actually manages to knock Show back with some punches, but gets snapmared. Show decides to up and ante and hammer both Jindrak and Reigns at once, but gets overwhelmed when Kurt comes into play again, and taken down. The heels take turns working him over through a series of quick tags, though the offense never really goes beyond basic punch-kick stuff. With no one to tag out to, Show randomly decides to start no-selling, and makes a comeback. Kurt tries cutting him off with the Olympic Slam to setup the Anklelock, but Show powers him off, and finishes Jindrak with an F5 at 9:58. About as interesting as three guys stomping Big Show for ten minutes is gonna be, I guess. DUD

WWE Cruiserweight Title Match: Spike Dudley v Funaki: Funaki controls on the mat in the early going, and schoolboys him for two, so Spike hides in the ropes. He tries a cheap shot, but gets cradled again for two, and Funaki armdrags him into an armbar. Spike tries wrestling free, so Funaki dumps him to the outside for a baseball slide, then quickly rolls him in for two. Slam off the top sets up a seated dropkick for two, but an attempt to superplex Spike out to the floor gets countered when Dudley drops his challenger front first to the outside. Ouch. Back in, that gets Spike two, and he adds a double stomp to keep after the part. Mat-based abdominal stretch follows, but Funaki hiptosses free, so Spike tries a slam - but gets bodypressed for two. Dudley kicks him in the midsection to cutoff the comeback, however, and delivers an exploding gutbuster for two, then reapplies the abdominal stretch. Side suplex, but Funaki counters into a tree of woe, and makes a comeback for realsies. Backdrop and a bulldog get two, and an enzuigiri is worth two. Flying bodypress for two, but Spike blocks a tornado DDT, and headbutts him in the gut. Dudley Dog, but Funaki counters into a cradle for the title at 9:31. This show has been absolutely horrible since the opener, to the point where even okay-level matches like this one come off like classics compared to the shit-show we've seen thus far. ** ½

Main Event: WWE Title Fatal Four-Way Match: John Bradshaw Layfield v Eddie Guerrero v The Undertaker v Booker T: First fall wins, and as a special added stipulation, if anyone interferes on Bradshaw's behalf, he loses the title. JBL's horrified look as the bell sounds is pretty awesome, but when he bails to the floor, the other three idiots start in-fighting rather than working together. Bradshaw sneaks in and gets a two count on Booker off of Undertaker's big boot, but the resulting chase leaves Bradshaw cornered, and pinballed by all three challengers. Now that's more like it! Things break down once Undertaker goes for a pin fall, however, and Bradshaw manages to bail out as Eddie and Booker punish the dead man. Lots of punch-kick stuff as they shuffle through various dance partners, though we do get a cool spot where Undertaker is attempting the ropewalk forearm on Booker, and when Eddie rushes over to shake the ropes, 'Taker leaps off with a flying big boot to stop him. It's wasn't THAT cool, mind you, but enough to stand out from the rest of this punchy stuff. Punch, punch, kick, kick, a table gets involved here, a ladder gets involved there. You know the drill. Undertaker puts Bradshaw through a table with the Last Ride, and chokeslams Guerrero, but Eddie manages to block another Ride, and hit a pair of Frogsplashes, but they only get two. Guerrero responds with another Frogsplash - this time off of a ladder - but Bradshaw pulls the referee out at two. Eddie gives him a three-alarm rolling vertical suplex for two, but Booker saves, and hits Bradshaw with the axekick for two - Undertaker saving. They do a bunch more signature move/save spots, until Undertaker manages to chokeslam everyone. He goes for the kill on Bradshaw with the Tombstone, when suddenly Heidenreich runs in, and stops it - allowing Bradshaw to hit the Clothesline from Wall Street on Booker to retain at 25:34. These four-way matches are almost always shit, and this... was no exception. Just a huge mess, and about ten minutes too long, to boot. *

BUExperience: Easily the worst pay per view of the year by a wide margin (Great American Bash and Taboo Tuesday were both horrible as well, but this was somehow worse), this one is uniformly terrible in-ring, with a shit atmosphere, and phoned in angles.

Whenever a show takes me three sittings over nearly two weeks to finish it, it’s bad, Tommy. Real bad.

DUD