WWF Saturday Night's Main Event II (Version II)

Original Airdate: October 5, 1985

From East Rutherford, New Jersey; Your Hosts are Vince McMahon and Jesse Ventura

Nikolai Volkoff cuts a promo on Hulk Hogan, but sounds more like Rocky Balboa than Ivan Drago

Hulk Hogan's not worried about it, because Nikolai Volkoff is no threat to America. I'm sorry, but when did anyone ever think he was?

Gene Okerlund is 'on the domestic front,' checking on the plans for the big hillbilly wedding set for later tonight. Groom Uncle Elmer isn't nervous, because he's a 'man on a mission.' Wow, that's kind of graphic. Roddy Piper shows up, however, and tells him he should be nervous, because he saw Elmer's ex-wife come by earlier - the gag being that his ex-wife is a pig. Luckily, they cut away before Elmer can start licking his chops

Hulk Hogan is proud of America, and promises to rid the world of the Soviet Union forever tonight. Okerlund calls him 'a man possessed,' but I think he's more like 'a man deluded'

WWF Title Flag Match: Hulk Hogan v Nikolai Volkoff: Winner gets to waive his countries flag - though the point is kind of negated when both guys come out waiving their respective flags on the way to the ring. Volkoff attacks from behind while Hulk waves the flag, and unloads a few turnbuckle smashes on the champion. Hulk fights back with a turnbuckle smash of his own, and adds a cross corner clothesline, followed by an elbowdrop and a headbutt. Big boot puts Nikolai on the outside, but Volkoff reverses him into the post out there. The sound sweetening is really out of control here, like one of those old Coliseum Video tapes. Back in, Nikolai hammers him with a 2^nd rope axehandle, and adds an ugly press-backbreaker - ugly mostly because he gives Hogan a really nasty wedgie in the process. Given that Hulk is wearing the all-white gear tonight, the editors must have had a ball editing out any skid marks in post. It gets two, as McMahon actually has the balls to say that Volkoff is the stronger of the two with a straight face. Piledriver, but Hogan backdrops him to block, and starts slugging, so Volkoff cuts him off with a boot to the face, then adds a bodyslam for two - only to trigger the HULK UP!! Fists of Fury! Legdrop! 5:17! Afterwards, Hogan spits on the Soviet flag, then wipes his boot with it, before raising old glory. The match was nothing but the usual Hogan formula, but the crowd loved it, and that's what counts. ½* (Original rating: ¼*)

Gene Okerlund catches up with Hogan backstage, but Hulk is eager to move on to happier things, like the hillbilly wedding - especially because Gene has promised to play his organ at the ceremony, and Hulk can't wait to see it

Meanwhile, the hillbillies are still not worried about the wedding. Seriously, stop asking them, assholes. It's like they're TRYING to put doubt into their minds, of something. What a bunch of jerks!

Uncle Elmer v Jerry Valiant: But first, a hillbilly dance off! That was pretty awesome! Valiant doesn't think so, charging Elmer, but gets him bodyslammed, and pinned at all of 0:10. The idea here was to build a feud with King Kong Bundy, who also had a quickie match at WrestleMania - though they have to announce this bout at only six seconds since they'd already lowered Bundy's match to nine. One lie begets another, I guess. And, in fact, they show the WrestleMania match, and the tape has been doctored to run fast. Were they just hoping that people wouldn't notice, or were the fans actually stupider back then, I wonder? DUD (Original rating: DUD)

Jesse Ventura hosts The Body Shop, with guest Bobby Heenan out to discuss the $50,000 he put on Paul Orndorff's head. Jesse is dressed like Dumbledore at a nightclub here. Unfortunately, we can barely hear the interview, because some asshole in the crowd won't stop blaring an air horn every three seconds - even visibly annoying Heenan

Backstage, Paul Orndorff reacts to the bounty, but doesn't think Roddy Piper is man enough to collect it tonight, and therefore won't be able to afford plumbing in his new mansion. That's kind of a weird and oddly specific taunt

Backstage, Piper reminds Heenan that he'll collect that bounty money from his grandmother if Bobby doesn't pay up, and also reminds us that he doesn't need baby oil to look pretty. Well, he's no Ahmed Johnson!

Roddy Piper v Paul Orndorff: Big slugfest to start, controlled by Orndorff. He cross corner whips Piper, but runs into a lariat as he follows him in, and Roddy bounces his head off of the mat with glee. Another slugfest goes Paul's way, and he starts biting, but Piper grabs the hair, and they slug it out on the mat - schoolyard style! They spill to the floor, and Roddy uses a chair, but gets reversed into a table, and Paul hits a flying elbowsmash on the way back in, then adds a side suplex. Roddy goes to the eyes to slow him down, and adds a kneelift, but Orndorff blocks a bulldog. Roddy responds by choking him, but Paul lifts his knees to block a splash. Bodypress sends them both tumbling over the top, and it's a double-countout at 4:01. The bell doesn't stop them, however, as they keep brawling to the back - the cameras picking them up fighting until Piper manages to take cover behind closed doors. More of an angle than a proper match, but fun and intense for what it was, no doubt. * (Original rating: ¼*)

And now, the hillbilly wedding, as Uncle Elmer ties the knot, live in the ring! And, as promised, Gene Okerlund indeed does play his organ, while making goofy faces! Considering this was a real wedding, you have to wonder what it took to get this poor woman to agree to this. I mean, Andre the Giant couldn't even be bothered to put on pants! So anyway, after the vows, the real fun starts, as Roddy Piper shows up to object, on the grounds that there's no place for wedding ceremonies in what's supposed to be a professional wrestling show. Can't say I disagree with that one

Backstage, Bobby Heenan isn't moved by the ceremony, and promises Andre the Giant will go down like a big turkey. Big John Studd proclaiming 'remember Andre, I CUT YOUR HAIR!!!!' in the same tone as a Taken villain promises to hurt Liam Neeson's family is pretty funny, however

Andre the Giant and Tony Atlas v Big John Studd and King Kong Bundy: Andre starts with Bundy, and goes right to choking. Lots and lots of choking. I know Andre was falling apart physically at this point, but knowing that doesn't make his stuff from this period any easier to watch. I mean, he makes early 2000s Undertaker seem like Rey Mysterio. Tags all around, and Atlas impressively leapfrogs Studd, but can't execute a bodyslam, and John elbowdrops him. Bundy sneaks in to add a splash, and McMahon calls for a disqualification, but frankly, if the referee misses KING KONG FUCKING BUNDY sneaking around, that's on him. Tag to Andre, and he trades chokeholds with Studd, before knocking him to the floor with a big boot. Bundy attacks, and the heels gang up on Andre until the referee disqualifies them at 4:26. They keep attacking, and take Atlas out on the floor, so Hulk Hogan runs in to make the save. Terrible in every way. –¼* (Original rating: DUD)

'Jungle' Gene Okerlund is on safari (at the Detroit zoo), in search of George 'The Animal' Steele. He finds Steele among the camels, and tours around looking at all the animals with him, while Steele acts like a moron

Backstage, The Dream Team review their tag title win over the US Express in August

WWF Tag Team Title Match: The Dream Team v Tony Garea and Lanny Poffo: Greg Valentine starts with Lanny, and smacks him around. Snapmare sets up an elbowsmash, and Greg grounds him in a side-headlock, but Poffo slips free - as The US Express watch from the crowd. Greg with a bodyslam, and he passes to Brutus Beefcake. Lanny hiptosses him, and adds a dropkick. Bodyslam sets up a 2^nd rope moonsault for two, but Valentine jumps him, and the champs double-team him. Beefcake with a bodyslam for two, but Poffo manages to get the tag. Tony comes in with a hiptoss/dropkick combo of his own, and bodypresses Beefcake for two. Cross corner whip, but he runs into an elbow as he follows him in, and Valentine slaps on the Figure Four at 3:30. Nothing special, but good enough for the quickie it was. * (Original rating: ¼*)

Backstage, there's a hillbilly themed reception area (complete with live farm animals, including an adorable pig), with all the babyfaces as guests. Toasts are made, drinks are had, and even Tiny Tim shows up to sing a song. Man, that guy did not age a day between this and his 1993 Monday Night RAW appearance, did he? Jesse Ventura shows up to give an insulting toast, but gets shoved into the wedding cake, and Elmer and his bride have their first dance

BUExperience: More of the same as, like the first episode, the show is focused on promoting the WWF brand to a new audience via their array of colorful characters more than putting on a great wrestling card – and that’s fine.