WWE Payback (May 2015)

Original Airdate: May 17, 2015

From Baltimore, Maryland; Your Hosts are Michael Cole, John Bradshaw Layfield, and Jerry Lawler

Opening Match: Dolph Ziggler v Sheamus: Back to the stupid electronic ring apron again, I see. Sheamus taunts him about the whole ass-to-mouth thing from last month, and gets jumped. Dolph snaps his throat across the top rope and hits a flying bodypress for two, then hooks a sunset cradle for two, but runs into a clothesline, and Sheamus bashes his knee for good measure. The contrast of tan to white here is really distracting. Sheamus with a vertical suplex for two, and he grinds on a chinlock. Dolph escapes, but walks into a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker for two. Glad to see all that follow-up on the knee Ziggler spent two minutes selling on the floor. He even keeps selling it while Sheamus stomps his midsection and reapplies the chinlock. Well, at least he knows how Bret and Shawn felt working with Sid twenty years ago now. Dolph with a chincrusher to escape the hold, and a series of running forearm smashes put Sheamus down. Ziggler with a corner dropkick, but the Zig Zag is countered into a side suplex, then countered back into a DDT for two. Ziggler has completely forgotten about the knee at this point, so maybe I should hold off on those Shawn/Bret comparisons for a bit. He makes Sheamus eat his asshole in the corner (okay, so not Bret then), and dodges the Brogue Kick into a fameasser for two. Sheamus with a sitout powerbomb for two, and a running powerslam is worth two. Samoan drop sets up a Texas cloverleaf, but Ziggler makes the ropes, and snaps off a superkick for two - busting himself open quite badly in the process. Oh boy, here come the rubber gloves. Not for Dolph, for us, because it's time to bend over and take Sheamus hitting the Brogue Kick for the pin at 12:22. Slightly better than Extreme Rules, but we're not exactly comparing Chi-Town Rumble to WrestleWar here. Though, at least, the threat of seeing Sheamus' lily-white ass was significantly lower here, which is important. *

WWE Tag Team Title 2/3 Falls Match: The New Day v Tyson Kidd and Cesaro: Kofi Kingston starts with Kidd, and immediately gets rolled up for two. Kidd grabs a headlock, then passes to Cesaro with a lariat for two. Bodyslam, but Kofi slips free, and tags to Big E for a power showdown - won by Cesaro with a powerslam for two. Big E tries coming back with a press-slam, but Cesaro shrugs him off, and hits a double-double stomp on both champs, then hanging vertical suplexes Kofi for two. Giant swing/dropkick combo gives the challengers the first fall at 2:49. Kidd makes the stupid mistake of diving after Big E on the floor with a top instead of finishing Kingston off, and pays for it by getting caught in a visually impressive release overhead suplex out there. Back in, New Day cut the ring in half on Kidd, and Big E splashes him for two, but that draws Cesaro in. Big E spears him out of the ring, and Kidd has no one to tag after dropkicking a flying Kofi out of the air - Midnight Hour tying the score at 8:14. Kidd is dead, and tries bailing to the floor since Cesaro is still down as well, but the champs roll him back in, and go back to work. Big E release overhead suplexes him, but misses an avalanche, and Kidd finally tags a recovered Cesaro. Cesaro is a green card of fire, and a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker/springboard elbowdrop combo gets two on Kofi. Their tandem stuff is the best shit we've seen in years for this division. Kidd slaps the Sharpshooter on Kingston, but he gets the ropes, so they bust out another eye-popping tandem move, only for Xavier Woods to sneak in and trade places with Kofi - tricking Cesaro into getting cradled at 12:42. Fine, and they have undeniable chemistry, but the flow interruptions hurt the match, and it wasn't as good as Extreme Rules, overall. ** ¾

Bray Wyatt v Ryback: Please be short, please be short, please be short, please be short. Ryback destroys him in the corner, and hits a shoulderblock for two, then Thesz-presses him down, so Bray bails. Ryback follows and knocks him into the rail out there, then brings him in for more abuse in the corner, but runs into a backelbow. Wyatt with a chinlock, but Ryback powers free, so Bray DDTs him on the apron, then flosses his asshole with the middle rope. No, really. I'm sure the production guys missed the ol' WCW black ropes right then. That segues into a nice senton splash off of the apron, but Ryback beats the count back in, so Bray avalanches him. He goes for a ten-punch, but gets countered with a powerbomb out of the corner - which seems like a rookie mistake for a guy who just spent months training to wrestle The Undertaker. Ryback with a powerslam for two, but Bray bails to the floor, and sucker him into a clothesline out there. Back in, that gets two, and Wyatt adds an ugly looking release vertical suplex. That was like Hogan/Virgil at WrestleMania IV there, though at least this one was inside of the ring. Ryback comes back with a spinebuster for two, and adds a flying splash for two. He goes for the kill, but Bray knocks him into an exposed turnbuckle, and executes Sister Abigail for the pin at 10:53. Much better than expected! I mean, not 'good,' exactly, but not the hairy naked shit I thought we were about to be witnesses to. *

WWE United States Title I Quit Match: John Cena v Rusev: Thankfully, this is likely the end of the series, finally. Cena charges him right at the bell, but Rusev shrugs him off, and delivers a pair of avalanches in the corner, but stops to yell at Lana. That allows Cena to reverse a vertical suplex, but Rusev quickly pounds him down again. Dropkick hits, but Cena won't quit. Why even bother asking, really? I mean, what in his history makes you think he'd actually give up two minutes into the match, after a couple of avalanches and a dropkick? I mean, REALLY?! Another dropkick, but Cena still won't quit (did I miss a memo, and dropkicks are now piledrivers, or something?), so Rusev delivers a spinheel kick, then stops to yell at Lana again, plus waive the Russian flag. Dude, seriously, your offense thus far pretty much ranks a solid 'four' on the 1993 1-2-3 Kid scale. Calm down. Cena pops up and hits the Five Knuckle Shuffle, but the FU is countered into a fallaway slam, and the champ ends up on the floor for a whip into the steps. Rusev brings the steps inside the ring, as we get my favorite part of these WWE events these days: the Twitter scroll! Let's see what gems those geniuses offer tonight. And, indeed, we don't have to wait long for some expert analysis, as @same2waysAZIZA lets us know that 'WWEPayback is crazy tonight.' Not even an exclamation point there, bud? And, yeah, I totally get what they're going for with these, but can't they at least filter it to actual, I dunno, interesting comments? Or was 'WWEPayback is crazy tonight' actually one of the better ones? If so, that's depressing. Even more offensive is that poorly reviewed movies have now started doing this as well, and the commercials no longer offer thoughts from actual critics, but just out of context Tweets. Oh, @dickduckdong83668651 thinks Mortdecai is going to be the 'movie event of the year' because he wants the thrill of getting his name on TV. Sign me on up, then! Anyway, Rusev uses the stairs, but Cena won't quit, and manages to FU him onto the steps, but Rusev won't quit either. Back out to the floor, John rams him into the post, then drives him through the rail, but Rusev still won't quit. They brawl through the crowd, and Cena beats him with a laptop he confiscates from the A/V guys, which Rusev dramatically oversells. I mean, yeah, I'm sure it would hurt, but somehow I think getting knocked headfirst into the steel post, or dropped onto the steps might be a tad worse then a simple flat smack across the back. But what do I know, anyway? Rusev then gets really creative, and tries to blow Cena up by triggering the pyro prompts, but ends up getting FU'd onto the pyro, and blown up. Who is he, Randy Orton? Even THAT somehow gets a less dramatic sell than the laptop, but Rusev still won't quit. I'd have totally bumped this up an automatic two stars had Rusev's hair caught fire, and he ran around like a Bulgarian Michael Jackson. Cena grabs a piece of old school guardrail and charges him with it, but an FU onto it is countered into a suplex. Cena no quittie. Back into the ring, Rusev throws a goofy tantrum like he's been denied a Ring Pop at a child's birthday party (or a blowjob at a swinger's party), then slaps on the Accolade. Cena no quittie. Rusev responds by actually unscrewing the top rope off, but a swing with the wrench is countered into an STF - John using the exposed rope to fishhook him. Technically, wouldn't he be in the ropes there? Rusev won't quit regardless, so Lana throws in the verbal towel for him at 28:01. Yeah, so, this was really long. Would have been fine at under twenty, and technically fine as-is even, but overlong, and cartoony at points. Though, the visual of Rusev dismantling the ring, and using it as a weapon was pretty cool, and unique. * ½

The Bella Twins v Naomi and Tamina: Wow, Nikki's still Diva's Champion? She starts with Naomi, and gets pounded in the corner... much like she probably does at John Cena's house! High five! ...Anyone...? Brie Bella tags in, and yells a lot, which looks weird, because she's so damn thin. Like, seriously, her diaphragm looks like it's going to explode out of her body like some b-horror movie she'll probably be staring in within five years. She takes a superkick from Tamina right away, and gets worked over. It's hard to judge by crowd reactions since everyone is on their way to the bathroom anyhow, but I'm taking it that the Bella's are the faces here? Really? I guess they're counting on the fact that literally no one who watches the product is also watching Total Divas, then. We get a weird WCW-like camera angle in the corner as Brie fights for the tag, and escapes Naomi long enough to make it. Nikki is a dollhouse of fire to ignite the four-way brawl, butt Naomi hits her with her butt offense for two. It's stuff! Butt stuff! Nikki tries making a comeback, but Naomi slams her off the top for the pin at 6:13. That ending would have made more sense had Nikki not, I dunno, ALREADY BEATEN HER IN A TITLE MATCH THE MONTH BEFORE. Like, come on! Seriously! Do they really think we want to see the same matches on not only two, or three, or sometimes four consecutive pay per views - plus dozens of variations twice every single week on TV? Half tonight’s card is rematches from Extreme Rules, which were, in turn, rematches from WrestleMania! Enough already! ¼*

Bad News Barrett v Neville: Barrett should be ashamed doing the King of the Ring gimmick in this, the very arena Owen Hart won his crown twenty years ago. Ashamed! Neville blitzes him to start, but takes a kick to the midsection as they spill out of the ring. Back in, Barrett punts him in the midsection for two, and grounds him with a chinlock. Neville escapes, and tries a springboard, but lands right on his boot, and Barrett adds a slingshot backbreaker for two. More chinlock fun, but another slingshot backbreaker is blocked, and Neville dropkicks him, but a standing shooting star press only gets two. Wow, a shooting star press that ends in him barely touching him, when a standard splash would have done more damage. Looks like this kid's got a case of the RVDs. Meanwhile, @AttackTac let's us know that 'John Cena did not say I Quit, but Rusev did.' They already give us endless recaps of every little thing that happens. Do we really need the home version? Back to the floor, Neville nails him with a corkscrew plancha, so Barrett decides not to bother beating the count, and walks at 7:23. Wow, what a pay per view worthy finish! *

Main Event: WWE World Heavyweight Title Fatal Four-Way Match: Seth Rollins v Randy Orton v Roman Reigns v Dean Ambrose: And as a special added stipulation, if Seth does not retain, Kane is fired. Everyone tries ganging up on Seth, but his goons pull Ambrose and Reigns to the floor to save him. Everyone ends up in a dog pile out there, with Reigns getting the best of it. Inside, he hits a tilt-a-whirl slam on Seth for two, and a clothesline is worth two. Spear, but Seth counters into a reverse STO - only to get nailed by an incoming Ambrose with a flying elbowsmash. He whips Seth into a lariat from Roman, and they take turns hammering him, as I notice that Charles Robinson is the referee here! That's not really notable, I'm just surprised he's still kicking around, I guess. Still has a full head of hair, too. Reigns goes for the Superman Punch, but Kane pulls him out to stop it, and takes out Ambrose too, for good measure. That allows Seth to jumping clothesline Dean for two, and a springboard high knee gets two. Meanwhile, Kane takes his shirt off at ringside. Well, I think he all just got our pay per view monies worth, fellas! Powerbomb into the turnbuckles for two, but a second try is blocked, and Dean goes for Dirty Deeds - only for Kane to chokeslam him to put a stop to it. That gives Rollins a two count, as Orton and Reigns team up to take Kane out for now. Randy quickly turns on him, and goes for the RKO on Seth, but gets blocked. Seth tries a reverse STO into the turnbuckle, but Orton counters into a head-and-arm suplex for two, then adds a superplex for two. Out to the floor, Randy side suplexes him onto the rail, and goes for the announce table, but the Shield temporarily reunite to powerbomb his ass through it. Seth makes the mistake of being the guy getting too buddy-buddy too quickly, however, and only serves to remind the other two that they hate each other now. That does not end well for him, via the Spanish announce table. It doesn't break, however, so the crowd wants them to try again - Ambrose and Reigns obliging by powerbombing Kane onto Seth, and through the table. Crowd wants a third one, but they're out of damned tables. With Rollins, Orton, and Kane in the rubble, they decide to fight alone in the ring like men. Roman controls a slugfest, but Dean ducks the Superman Punch, so Reigns settles for a sitout powerbomb for two instead. Superman II, but Dean counters into a schoolboy for two. Superman III, but Dean counters into the Dirty Deeds - countered back by Reigns with a spear for two. You know, it might help if you stopped fucking telegraphing the damned punch so much. It was annoying when Shawn Michaels used to do it, but we tolerated it because he was the best wrestler in the fucking world. Rollins spoils their party, so Ambrose Dirty Deeds him instead for two - Kane saving. The dust settles on Orton countering a flying bodypress from Rollins with a powerslam, and adding a spike DDT. RKO, but here's Kane to play whipping boy for Seth again, and Rollins Pedigree's Orton to retain at 21:00. Not a great match in the classical sense, but certainly entertaining, and engaging. ***

BUExperience: Just copy-and-paste whatever I wrote about Extreme Rules. Same show, anyway.

*