WWE New Year's Revolution (January 2005)

Original Airdate: January 9, 2005

From San Juan, Puerto Rico; Your Hosts are Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler. They were drawing embarrassingly small crowds domestically at this point, but sold out in record time in Puerto Rico

Opening World Tag Team Title Match: William Regal and Eugene v Christian and Tyson Tomko: Regal starts with Christian, and they trade wristlocks. Tag to Eugene, and, well, he literally tries to buttfuck Christian at center ring. That's what it looks like, anyway. Frankly, I don't know what other interpretation I could have to a guy violently pulling at the back of the other man's tights, while licking his lips. Tag to Tomko, and Eugene bails to the floor, then tricks them into looking underneath the ring for him before rolling Christian up for two. If he'd come back out dressed as Doink, I'd have marked out. As is... not so much, no. Eugene's antics also give us a look at ringside, and they have the commentary table in the corner tonight (to accommodate for the Chamber, I'd assume), and fuck, that looks weird. Cheap shot puts Eugene down, and the challengers cut the ring in half, but Eugene does his best Hulk Hogan impression, and gets the tag off to Regal. Unfortunately for William, he runs right into a lariat from Tomko, and the challengers cut the ring in half on their new victim. They manage to give Regal a nasty bloody nose in the process, but Tyson misses a charge in the corner, and Eugene gets the tag. He's a shortbus of fire, and manages to schoolboy Tomko for the pin at 12:20. Total paint by numbers stuff, that dragged on for a bit too long. ¾*

WWE Women's Title Match: Lita v Trish Stratus: Lita controls a catfight, and dumps Trish to the floor, then dives off of the apron at her with a Thesz press - only to bash her knee on the landing. That gets Trish two on the way back in, and she works the knee. Lita tries to make a comeback, but the knee slows her down, and Trish quickly puts her away with the Chick Kick to win the title at 3:47. That ending was totally rushed, as Lita actually did suffer a legitimate injury during the Thesz press spot, causing them to have to go home early, and putting her out of action for months. Not their faults, but still a DUD

WWE Intercontinental Title Match: Shelton Benjamin v Maven: Maven hides in the ropes to start, then bails to the floor as the crowd taunts him. That's probably the biggest reaction Maven's ever gotten in his life. He grabs a microphone and taunts back. Mind you, we're now some three minutes into the match, and they've barely even made eye contact, let alone wrestled. Isn't this bit usually reserved for the cowardly champion, ala Honky Tonk Man or Goldust? It doesn't really make sense from the challenger's perspective. He goes on and on with it, like some bootleg Jerry Lawler, until Shelton finally has enough, and chases. Maven decides to walk, but changes his mind just in time to beat the count - only to get promptly rolled up at 6:08. Watching Maven taunt the hot crowd was entertaining as a promo, but it wasn't a wrestling match. DUD

Jerry Lawler v Muhammad Hassan: This is Hassan's debut. And since Lawler is wrestling, and Ross is in his corner, there is no commentary. He bodyslams the King right away, so Lawler responds in kind. I guess that Lawler impression Maven was doing unraveled the space time continuum, because we've fallen back to 1970 here, all of a sudden. Hassan adds another five consecutive bodyslams for good measure, and Lawler sells it like he's been shot - falling to the floor. Overselling for a guy they're trying to build up is fine, but did it have to be from a bodyslam? Jerry manages to control with some closed fists on the floor, and hooks an inside cradle for two, but gets shoved into an exposed turnbuckle, and locked in a camel clutch. That goes nowhere, so Hassan vertical suplexes him for two, and applies a cobra clutch. Hassan hammers him in the corner, but Lawler starts no-selling, and slugging back. Dropkick sets up a 2^nd rope fistdrop for two, and a DDT is worth two. Jerry lets off to go chase Daivari on the floor, however, and Hassan grabs him in a reverse STO for the pin at 10:51. Nothing like having a guy take ten minutes and outside interference to put away a 55 year old commentator to really build up your new heel act. ¼*

Kane v Snitsky: With Lawler done for the night, Jonathan Coachman joins JR on commentary. Is it me, or does Snitsky look like a dead ringer for Will Ferrell as Marty Culp on SNL? Kane blitzes him at the bell, and drops a pair of elbows to setup a legdrop. Powerslam is worth two, but he walks into a sidewalk slam, and Snitsky goes to the floor to pull up the mats. He brings Kane out for a powerbomb onto the exposed concrete, so Kane counters with a backdrop onto it, but runs into a boot while trying a flying clothesline on the way back in. Snitsky grabs a bearhug - which he somehow fails to properly execute by hugging Kane around the shoulder blades instead of the back. Kane sells it anyway, trooper that he is. I should also note that the WWE Network connection has been absolutely terrible today, and while this match is only some eight minutes in, for me it's been closer to twenty. They spill to the floor, where Snitsky tries using a chair, but runs into a big boot. Back in, Kane unloads in the corner, and hits a sidewalk slam of his own. Big boot sets up a flying clothesline, but Snitsky counters the Tombstone with a stungun, then adds a clothesline. Both guys go for a chokeslam at the same time, but neither gets it, and Kane just kinda casually Tombstones him for the pin at 11:37. How do you screw up a bearhug? DUD

Main Event: World Heavyweight Title Elimination Chamber Match: Triple H v Randy Orton v Batista v Edge v Chris Jericho v Chris Benoit: This is for the vacant title, with Shawn Michaels acting as the special guest referee - thankfully wearing full length pants tonight. The entrances alone eat up nearly twenty minutes here, and it's been a full thirty since the end of the last match. Jericho starts with Benoit - which is probably the best booking call they could have made there. They trade off on the mat for a bit, until Benoit opens the door on a chop party - Michaels' eyes filling with a certain glee as he watches someone else on the receiving end of those sons of bitches. Benoit goes for the Crippler Crossface, but Jericho blocks, so Benoit tries the rolling Germans to soften him up. Crossface, but Jericho counters into the Walls - blocked by Benoit. More chops, but Jericho hits a sleeper-slam for two, and side suplexes him for two. He goes up, but gets brutally superplexed down, as the period ends, and Triple H enters the match. With both guys down, HHH easily whips them around - both Chris' bumping around for him like jobbers in a Handicap match with Yokozuna. That goes on for pretty much the duration of the period, until Edge enters the match. He smacks both Chris' around, and catches HHH with the Impaler for two. Overhead suplex for a bloody Benoit, and a backdrop for HHH, but Jericho manages to end his fun with a dropkick. He adds a springboard dropkick for good measure, and HHH tries a Pedigree out on the platform, but Edge counters with a slingshot into the cage, and follows with a flying clothesline on Benoit for two. Benoit tries for the Crossface as Edge goes to follow-up, but Edge manages to pound the cut to block, and baseball slides him - only to get caught with an enzuigiri by Jericho for two. HHH with a spinebuster on Jericho for two, as Benoit overhead suplexes Edge for two. HHH with a Pedigree on Jericho as the period ends, Orton enters the match. He immediately flying bodypresses at HHH, and beats him literally from one end of the cage to the other - Hunter joining the Chris' in the blade club. He goes for an RKO on Benoit, but gets countered into the Crossface. HHH loves it, and takes the time to taunt him with slaps while he's trapped in the hold, but Benoit takes exception, and lets off to put HHH in the Sharpshooter. That nearly draws a submission, but Orton saves with an RKO to break the hold. He's still worn from the Crossface, however, so Edge goes for a Spear, but Orton has the presence of mind to duck, and Edge takes out Michaels in the process. Shawn Superkicks him in return, and Jericho adds a Lionsault - HBK all too eager to count the fall at 19:19. HHH looks for a Pedigree on Jericho, but Benoit saves with the three-alarm rolling German suplex, then punctuates it with an insane flying headbutt off of one of the chambers! You'd think they'd have learned after Rob Van Dam nearly killed himself trying a similar spot in the original Chamber match, but no. Jericho capitalizes by putting Hunter in the Walls while Benoit hooks the Crossface simultaneously, but Batista enters the match, and breaks it up. Why is Batista dressed like WCW-era Lance Storm? He tosses everyone around with an array of power moves, but that only serves to make him a ring full of enemies, and he gets ganged up on. The match hits a slow point as everyone kinda aimlessly brawls for a while, until Benoit walks into a spinebuster from Batista, and eliminated at 26:15. Jericho tries to protest Batista's outfit with chops, but runs into a Batista Bomb at 27:36 - earning a 'thumbs up' from HHH. They gang up on Orton, and Batista delivers a front-powerslam for two. HHH with a spinebuster for two, and a lariat gets two. Orton does a bladejob, but it's really weak, and basically just leaves him with a Lone Ranger mask made of blood once it dries, which looks oddly hilarious. Batista Bomb, but Orton counters into the RKO for the pin at 32:30. And then there were two. Randy stupidly celebrates the elimination and gets jumped, but manages to reverse Hunter into the cage, and hits the RKO. Unfortunately, Shawn is busy dealing with getting Batista out of the cage, and doesn't notice the cover. HHH uses the distraction to hit the Pedigree, and we're done at 34:45. Not an all-time classic, but certainly exciting, filled with lots of fluid sequences from the better workers in the earlier part, and building nicely to the climax with Orton having to fight through his former Evolution pals, and ultimately failing. Not boring, but in many ways it felt more like a video game than a true match. But that’s fine, sometimes. ** ½

BUExperience: Wow, no wonder they haven’t gone back to Puerto Rico for a pay per view again since, as this is an absolutely horrible show. The main event is fun, but certainly not enough to nearly save this train wreck of bad finishes and bad booking.

DUD