Chair Shots and Miscarriages of Justice: WWE No Mercy 2016

CHAIR SHOTS AND MISCARRIAGES OF JUSTICE

WWE NO MERCY 2016

BY: DOUBLE M

WWE goes head to head with Trump-Clinton Debates 2016 with the aptly named No Mercy.  Pretty much been an election year where the American public has been begging for mercy or one of the candidates to bust a chair on someone.  Triple threat with 3 of the brightest superstars in the biz, a career vs. title match, and battle of the minds.  What could possibly go wrong.

BEST MATCH:  The Miz and Dolph Ziggler.  Ziggler either becomes the new Intercontinental champ or turns in his play book [which looks just like HBK’s minus the chaps].  This has turned into quite the affair worthy of main event status, but wasn’t because apparently Shane O’mac and Daniel Bryan lacked the testicular fortitude to put it up against Big D Donald Trump vs. Hill Dog Hillary Clinton.  Speaking of lacking nuts [in this case thankfully] let’s pause for our annual admiration of Maryse…..  Happy days.  Any who Miz continues to hold court as a heel that all current heels need to take notes.  Miz not only was methodical but did it without putting us to sleep.  Adding value the underdog Ziggler fighting with all his might overcoming Miz’ focus on the knee, Spirit Squad and Maryse interference, and a classical exposed and utilized turnbuckle.  If Brock Lesnar is the ruler of Suplex City, is The Showoff the mayor of Dropkick Town? Seriously watch the match and take a shot after each dropkick.  It was a solid old school match with Wanna-be HBK keeping his job thanks to 2 Mr. Socko Superkicks [which I’m sure smelled lovely after a 20 minute match].

WORST MATCH:  Alexa Bliss v. Naomi/ Randy Orton v. Bray Wyatt/ Carmella v. Nikki Bella.  Yep 3-way tie ladies and gentlemen [and I use that term loosely.  Just remember Santa sees you re-watching all of Vicki Guererro’s romance moments you perverts].  Just bad, slow, boring, limp, lifeless I don’t know what to call these because they sure ain’t matches.  Why Orton and Wyatt was plugged as the main event is beyond me, nothing happened until Luke Harper finally found the arena [what is it about the Wyatt’s showing up late or getting lost?  Seriously buy a clock and GPS that works].  I would prefer the SDL team to RAW but dear god if any of them brought up the mind games again I’m looking for small animals to punt.  Both women’s matches looked more like bland Divas Era fights than the higher level Women’s Revolution we expect.  If Jericho were around I’d say add it to his list that I still don’t have a clue what it’s for other than to add a clipboard to the scarf he has as props.  Truth in advertising indeed, no mercy with how craptastic these were.

MOST DISAPPOINTING MOMENT:  Kurt Hawkins finally arrives…..  Blah blah blah I’m here I’m real, blah blah blah look at my pretty baton I stole from Breezango, blah blah blah I’m trailer trash like Heath Slater but nobody likes me because I absolutely suck know your role and shut your mouth.  Fact.  Fuck you Hawkins.  Fact.  Fuck you with a gaggle of Silverback gorillas.

BEST MOMENT:  The International Broadcast team.  They bring the fire, they bring the pain, the bring the excitement, they bring the part of the show where I don’t have a clue what is being said [not counting when JBL talks] and that’s ok because IT’S AWESOME.  

PARTING SHOTS:  

-Well Shane and DB said they’d shake things up, Main Event right off the hop is certainly doing that and it delivered as a Main Event.

-Old dog learning new tricks how about Cena’s acrobatics.

-Somehow I just have a hard time taking the heel Usos seriously in bright neon yellow work boots.

-Anybody else cringe when someone goes for a sunset flip powerbomb off the top rope because the knee might give out?

-Hey we have an All-American American American Jack Swagger sighting.  Nobody cares still?  Moving on…..

-So The Ascension go from looking like the Legion of Doom to Axe/Smash.  Typhoon and Earthquake next?

Angry Rating Scale:  9.  Triple threat for the big title and the IC match aside this was whale shit.  Seriously there’s no need to move the little needle on the timeline past the halfway point.  I get the second debate in one of the most important election in American history was on at the same time but holy jumpin’ shit balls.  When was the last time a presidential debate had more action than a WWE ppv?  Mama mia and fuck you Kurt Hawkins.

~Double M