WCW Great American Bash 1991 (Version II)

Original Airdate: July 14, 1991

From Baltimore, Maryland; Your Hosts are Jim Ross and Tony Schiavone

Opening Scaffold Match: Steve Austin and Terrance Taylor v Bobby Eaton and PN News: This was sold as a traditional Scaffold Match right up until the day of the show, but when the participants decided that they weren't going to risk their careers for a stupid non-feud opener, 'capture the flag' rules were suddenly added. Why even bother then, if you're killing off literally the only reason anyone wants to see a Scaffold Match to begin with. Like, I've been watching wrestling for over twenty years, and I've never heard anyone go 'Man, I'm really looking forward to that Scaffold Match tonight! They're going to capture that flag so hard!' The ring crew also screwed up by building the scaffold itself too narrow, leaving all four guys looking understandably terrified. There's a happy medium with scaffolds - too thin, like here, and they can't do anything worth watching, but too thick (like one WCW used in the 2000s) and it's basically just a platform. The overhead shot quickly reveals entire sections of empty seats in the crowd. Whoopsie doodle. So, with a super narrow and unsafe scaffold to work him, and four guys up there, there's almost nothing they can reasonably do, so they just play chicken with each other for a while, before setting into crawling around and trying not to die. That goes on for a while as the crowd largely ignores the match (they'd fit right in on a modern WWE show!), doing whatever the 1991 equivalent of 'looking at their phones' was. Talking to the person next to them, I guess? How quaint. Meanwhile, the match continues to amble along, until News manages to corner the heels on their side of the scaffold, and Eaton captures the flag at 7:23. And then, afterwards, Austin throws powder in their eyes (why not just do that, you know, DURING THE MATCH?!), and the fight continues down to the arena floor. I get why this opened the night from a logistical standpoint (easier to setup the scaffold before the show and quickly take it down after the match), but man. I'll give each guy a quarter-star for playing along with this bullshit, but this was as bad as it gets otherwise. -**** (Original rating: -* ½)

Diamond Studd v Tom Zenk: Zenk dives into the ring with a clothesline from the ramp to kick start the match, so Diamond Dallas Page pulls down the top rope to send Tom tumbling over the top, and Studd whips him into the rail so hard that Zenk ends up in the third row. Studd adds an axehandle off the apron, and he hammers Zenk on the way back in, but misses a clothesline, and Tom hits a bodypress for two. Studd cuts him off with a few knees, however, and a cross corner whip leads to an abdominal stretch. So strange that Studd is basically the complete Razor Ramon character, but just those minor cosmetic touches the WWF added made all the difference in presentation. It's like when you're making a Create-a-Wrestler, and you've done all the obvious stuff, but your guy just looks 'off.' Zenk hiptosses free, but misses an elbowdrop, and Studd chokeslams him. Zenk tries flash pinning him with a cradle, but it only gets two, and a pissed off Studd creams him with a clothesline. Zenk keeps trying with a savate kick to send Studd to the outside, and he returns the favor from earlier by whipping him into the rail. Back in for a flying dropkick for two when Page interferes, and the distraction allows Studd to sneak up with a bridging side suplex at 6:57. Decent enough for what it was. * ½ (Original rating: -½*)

Oz v Ron Simmons: Feeling out process to start, with both guys trying to overpower the other in dull fashion. Oz suckers Simmons into trying a shoulderblock showdown and plants a big boot on him, but Ron manages a sloppy drop-toehold to get the big man off his back. Simmons manages to clothesline him over the top after three tries, with Oz hilariously knocking over some poor guys drink while crashing into the rail. The dude's reaction to it is priceless. Test-of-strength is dominated by Oz, but Simmons suplexes him, then misses a dropkick, and eats a shoulderblock. This match is just so slow and plodding. Oz with a sidewalk slam for two, so Simmons tries a slingshot sunset flip, but gets blocked. Oz grabs a bearhug to really kick this thing into high gear, but Simmons escapes, and hits a pair of 3-point stances to setup a jumping shoulderblock at 7:56. Really boring, with both guys phoning it in here. DUD (Original rating: DUD)

Richard Morton v Robert Gibson: Morton's got a case of the Tatanka's here, as he's turned heel, but hasn't changed up a single thing about his appearance. And it's especially glaring here, directly juxtaposed with Gibson - who seems to have a case of the Tito Santana's, because he hasn't changed a thing about his appearance either. Robert jumps him on the elevated ramp before the bell to kick his ass for a bit, until Morton manages to put some distance between them, and consult Alexandra York. I believe the kids call that 'creating separation.' Gibson brings him in hardway, and wins a reversal sequence with a bodyslam, so Rick... sorry, Richard... creates separation again. Lots of stalling, until Morton manages a cheap shot, and he bashes Robert's leg against the post. Morton works the leg for a while to setup a figure four, but Gibson manages a reversal, so Richard gets the ropes. They're trying to build drama here, but the crowd is just not that into them. I mean, look out into the stands, and just read the body language. People are all sitting in the same position I assume when trying to stay awake at really boring meetings. Morton keeps working the leg, until Gibson manages to fight him off with a DDT, and then a backdrop. The crowd is giving them nothing for the comeback, either. Robert slams him off the top rope and hits a leg-feed enzuigiri to send Morton bailing for the ramp, but Gibson is hot on his tail. They both throw simultaneous dropkicks out there, so York starts distracting the referee to prevent a countout, and Morton blasts Gibson with the laptop for the pin at 17:23. He couldn't be bothered to at least hit him in the knee with it? Of all the people to turn heel, Ricky Morton is who they picked? If they'd at least turned Gibson instead, Morton could have gotten this stupid match over with his selling, but watching him play heel is just wrong on so many levels, and doesn't work, like, at all. The match was also far too long for what it was, overstaying it's (already limited and shaky) welcome by a good ten minutes. ½* (Original rating: ¼*)

Six-Man Tag Team Elimination Match: The Fabulous Freebirds v Dustin Rhodes and The Young Pistols: Michael Hayes starts with Dustin, and Michael pounds him in the corner, but a whip gets reversed, and Rhodes bodyslams him. That brings the rest of the heels in, but Dustin cleans house all by himself, since he's a Rhodes being booking by a Rhodes. We get some prerequisite stalling, until Jimmy Garvin takes a cheap shot, and the Freebirds work Dustin over. That is, until he gets sick of it, and bounces around three men by himself before letting his partners put a cherry on top with stereo flying shoulderblocks. Neither Pistol actually, you know, CONNECTS with the move, but points for effort though, I guess. The dust settles on Garvin and Tracy Smothers, and it's more stalling. Hey, this may not be a great match, but the Freebirds are at least engaging the crowd for the first time on this show so far tonight. Smothers gets his own turn at cleaning house on all three heels by himself, and Steve Armstrong knocks Badstreet to the outside with a flying clothesline. That one actually connected, thank God. Another cheap shot put Tracy down on the outside, however, and the Freebirds cut the ring in half on him. Whoever setup the lighting for this show made the brilliant decision to position a bunch of massive spotlights right next to the hard camera, which is great for me watching on TV, but I can only imagine how much fun that would have been to have in your face all night if you were sitting opposite. And they're not even softer or colored lights, but super bright white lights, too. But hey, at least they have an excuse for the crowd now. "No, it's not that they don't LIKE the wrestling, they just can't SEE the wrestling!" Hayes goes for the kill with the DDT, but Tracy escapes with a backdrop, and gets the hot tag to Steve. He blitzes the Freebirds, and things quickly break down - Roseanne Barr the door! They go for Badstreet's mask, but Hayes saves, and a tandem DDT gets rid of Armstrong at 13:43. That brings Smothers charging right in for revenge, so Hayes backdrops him over the top - getting DQ'd at 13:54. Dust settles on the Freebirds getting back to cutting the ring in half on Smothers again, and another tandem DDT ends his night at 15:20. Unfortunately for Garvin, he showboats, and Rhodes gets rid of him with a jumping clothesline at 15:28. Badstreet blitzes him, and a snapmare sets up an elbowdrop for two. Bodyslam sets up a flying axehandle, but Dustin knocks him out of the sky with a fist, then hits another jumping clothesline, but Big Daddy Dink distracts the referee to delay the count! Rhodes perseveres, however, and the Bulldog finishes Badstreet off at 17:03. Kind of weird, as it was basically just a standard six-man for the first thirteen minutes, until they suddenly seemed to remember that it was elimination rules, and we got a bunch of rapid fire stuff. Not a bad match though, as it was energetic, and the crowd actually got into things for the first time tonight. * ¾ (Original rating: ¾*)

Johnny B. Badd v Yellow Dog: Badd, meanwhile, is so 'flamboyant,' he makes the Freebirds looks conservative by comparison. 'Technical difficulties with the original tape' result in them cutting out Dog's, shall we say, 'less than PC' reaction to Badd. Johnny dominates criss crosses in the early going, but runs into a hiptoss, and Dog dropkicks him to the outside. Badd regroups with Teddy Long out there, then comes back in for a rather sloppy criss cross that ends in Dog hooking a sunset cradle for two. Johnny goes to the eyes, and another sloppy exchange ends in Dog dropkicking him into Long. Dog goes after Teddy on the outside, but that allows Badd to sneak up with a lariat, and he hammers Dog on the outside. You'd think this would be the one time Ross could make all the 'scalded dog' references he wanted, but yet none come, sadly. Dog misses a sloppy 2^nd rope flying bodypress to allow Badd a flying sunset flip for two, and he works a chinlock. Johnny couldn't get simple criss crosses right yet, but flying sunset flips he knew how to do? He goes for the mask, but Dog executes a stunner to block, so Badd hits a high knee. Left hook, but Dog ducks, and manages a German suplex. Spinheel kick follows, and a backdrop sets up a flying bodypress - only for Long to break the count for the DQ at 6:00. They'd go on to have a much better match at Fall Brawl in 1995, when Pillman actually gave a shit, and Badd was more seasoned. This one, while energetic, was sloppy as hell, and not very good. DUD (Original rating: DUD)

Lumberjack Match: Big Josh v Black Blood: Blood jumps him before the bell, and goes to work in the corner, then dumps him to the outside for the heel lumberjacks to abuse. Hey, Junkyard Dog was still getting a paycheck at this point? Back in, Josh manages a dropkick before knocking Blood to the outside as well, but it's on the heel side, so no one messes with him. Inside, Josh snapmares him over to trigger a chopfest, and Josh wins to setup the logroll. He knocks Blood back to the floor for more fun with the lumberjacks, but a ten-punch count is countered when Blood executes a hotshot into the top turnbuckle. Kneelift follows, and the face lumberjacks baby him on the outside. Blood with a vertical suplex and a facebuster as a brawl breaks out between the lumberjacks on the outside, and Blood misses a kneedrop. Josh mounts his comeback, but misses a charge in the corner, and the lumberjacks brawl again as Blood German suplexes Josh. The brawl allows Blood to grab his axe, but Dustin Rhodes knocks it away from him, and Josh capitalizes with an inside cradle at 5:39. So, it's not even limited to matches in which he's an active participant that Dustin gets to be the big man for, huh? ¼* (Original rating: -½*)

El Gigante v One Man Gang: Well, this should be good. Gigante has a bunch of midgets with him, presumably to counteract Kevin Sullivan in Gang's corner. Seems about right. Gigante knocks him around to start, so Gang starts running, and we get literally the slowest chase scene I have ever seen. It's like something out of an Austin Powers movie. Gigante misses a cross corner charge to allow Gang a 2^nd rope flying clothesline, and he chokes Gigante down with a wrench. I like how he hides it in his fat folds. Gang works the knee in lazy fashion (nothing beyond simple stomps), treating us to Gigante's attempts at selling. You know he's hurting because his arms are flailing around! 747 Splash looks to finish, but only gets two, so Gang goes up, and takes about ten years since Gigante seemingly forgets to slam him down. Gang literally stands on the top rope looking at him for an extended period, waiting for the giant to wake the fuck up and slam him off. He eventually does, and makes a shitty comeback with forearms and a vertical suplex. Sullivan goes up to try and save, but luckily Gigante remembers to deal with him this time. Unfortunately, that allows Gang to get a handful of powder (with the referee staring right at him the whole time), but Gigante kicks it back into his face for the pin at 6:14. You wouldn't think the bar could be lowered after the opener, but you'd be wrong. Literally one of the worst, most phony looking matches I've ever seen. The only reason this doesn't get a full negative-five-star rating is because Gang at least took a couple of bumps. This definitely falls under the 'so bad, it's good' umbrella though. -**** ¾ (Original rating: -*** ½)

Russian Chain Match: Nikita Koloff v Sting: Well, their TV match was boring as hell, so I'm sure adding one of my least favorite gimmicks into the mix will solve that problem! Tug-of-war to start, before both guys decide to just say 'fuck it,' and start kicking each other instead. Good for them. It spills to the outside quickly, where Sting drops him across the rail a couple of times, before bringing it back in to get two corners. Back to the floor, where Koloff gets his turn to use the rail, and he clotheslines Sting with the chain. What about it makes this a specifically 'Russian' Chain Match, I wonder? The rules are the same as every other chain match. Maybe the chain is made of Russian metals? Perhaps they still have it in that giant WWE warehouse that they do video tours of sometimes. We need an inquiry! Sting reverses him into the post, but gets choked with the chain on the way back in. Koloff gets three corners, but Sting crotches him, and they do a weird sequence where they basically hug each other and roll around on the ropes to make two corners each. Both guys go low as they take their lovemaking to the next level, and a shot of the crowd reveals a fan with a Sting Wrestling Buddy! What?! They made those?! Childhood me feels robbed! I thought it was only Hogan, Savage, and Warrior! Koloff hits the Russian Sickle (at least we know that makes that one Russian), and despite breaking the momentum several times, the referee is still counting them on the same trajectory as the hugging corners. Sting tries the Stinger Splash, but that knocks Koloff into the fourth corner for the win at 11:46. Well, the Clash match isn't looking so bad now. I'm kind of surprised no one bladed here, given who was booking. Actually, this whole card has been notably bloodless. DUD (Original rating: -*)

Main Event: WCW World Title Cage Match: Lex Luger v Barry Windham: This is for the vacant title. Luger is also the United States Champion here, but that isn't on the line. And the crowd really wakes up for this one, bombarding them with pro-Flair chants. Feeling out process to start, and Windham wins a criss cross with a dropkick, but Luger hooks an inside cradle for two. Looks like they used the same cheap, local indy looking cage from SuperBrawl for this one. Windham with a backdrop, but Luger vertical suplexes him, as things are just kind of humming along in robotic fashion. Once more, with feeling! Windham with a bodyslam to setup a figure four, but Luger blocks, and hits an atomic drop. Lex tries a sleeper, but Barry reverses, so Luger dumps him into the corner to escape, then plants him with a DDT for two. Lex goes up, but gets slammed off the top rope, and Windham follows up with a kneedrop for two. He goes up as well, so Lex tries to return the favor, but Barry manages to kick him away - only to miss a flying elbowdrop. Luger powers up with a backdrop and a series of clotheslines for two, and a backelbow is worth two. Powerslam sets up the Torture Rack, but Windham escapes, and side suplexes his ass. Luger recovers first and tries a vertical superplex, but Barry blocks, and dives at him with a flying clothesline. Backdrop and a jumping clothesline follow, and a bodyslam is worth two. Barry with a poorly timed missile dropkick for two, as suddenly Harley Race and Mr. Hughes make their way down to ringside. That distracts Windham (Why? You're in a cage!), and Luger sneaks up with a piledriver to finally win the world title at 12:24, and turn heel. Why was this even a Cage Match? There wasn't one single cage-oriented spot in the whole match! They did what they could, but I'm certain they would have had a far better match under different circumstances and in a less hostile environment. * ½ (Original rating: DUD)

Handicap Cage Match: Rick Steiner v Arn Anderson and Paul E Dangerously: This is scheduled as Steiner teaming with Missy Hyatt, but local regulations against intergender matches result in the last minute change - explained when Dick Murdoch and Dick Slater kidnap Hyatt before the match starts. Funny moment where some asshole fan tries to save Missy by reaching over the rail to grab Murdoch, and gets decked for it. Arn starts, and gets powerslammed. Hotshot, but Paul comes off the top with his shoe - only for a miscommunication to end in Steiner clobbering him Dangerously for the pin at 2:09. I suppose this went on last in a desperate attempt to send the fans home happy? Yeah, mission accomplished there, guys. DUD (Original rating: DUD)

BUExperience: Still easily a contender for the worst pay per view of all time, with only a couple of halfway decent matches working in its favor, and tons of negatives working against it. Eleven matches, and nothing even hitting two-stars? Multiple negative-star matches? Arguably the worst match ever worked? The Freebirds in the match of the night? A terrible, unhappy atmosphere? Check, check, check, check, and check again!

DUD