WWE Saturday Night's Main Event XXXIII (July 2006)

Original Airdate: July 15, 2006

From Dallas, Texas; Your Hosts are Jim Ross, Jerry Lawler, Michael Cole, John Bradshaw Layfield, Joey Styles, and Tazz

Hulk Hogan and daughter Brooke kick things off, with Hulk talking about SNME history, and Brooke kinda just standing around. That is until Randy Orton shows up, rose in hand. Lawler clarifies that the rose he carries is not for Hulk. Yeah, no shit, Jerry. He hands Brooke the rose and respectfully challenges Hulk to a match at SummerSlam, which Hogan respectfully accepts. Respectfully. That's it, no fight, no confrontation - just a challenge made and accepted. Not a great segment, but I appreciated how to-the-point it was, since we didn't need a twenty minute interview to open the show

Six-Man Tag Team Match: Rey Mysterio, Batista, and Bobby Lashley v Finlay, Booker T, and Mark Henry: This is Batista's big return, after seven months away from the ring. Lashley starts with Finlay, and knocks him around to start. Over to Rey, but Finlay grounds him in a chinlock - only for Rey to escape, and hit a springboard moonsault press for two. That brings both teams in for a brawl, and a Leprechaun (a still unnamed Hornswaggle) pops out from underneath the ring to attack Mysterio. Well, at least he's picking on someone his own size. The heels cut the ring in half on Rey, but Mark misses an avalanche, and Batista gets the tag - only for the referee to miss it! That allows them to go back to working over Mysterio, but Rey counters a pop-up from Booker with a rana, and there's the hot tag to Batista - Roseanne Barr the door! Booker tries to escape, but Rey 619's him into the Batista Bomb at 10:07. Nothing much to this one. ½*

Backstage, Vince McMahon jerks off the Spirit Squad. Not literally, of course

Highlights of the Diva's Bull Riding contest. As much fun as the current era of actual workers is, I still kind of miss this goofy shit sometimes too

Mixed Tag Team Match: Johnny Nitro and Melina v Carlito and Trish Stratus: The gents start off, but Nitro quickly tags Melina in, and Carlito follows suit. I'm not normally a fan of that hairstyle, but Trish is owning it tonight. She slugs Melina, but Nitro trips her up as she runs the ropes, and Melina pounds her down. Stratus kind of ignores it though, and passes back to Carlito. He hits Johnny with a dropkick, and a wheelbarrow suplex follows. That brings Melina in, but Trish cuts her off, as Carlito finishes Nitro with the lungblower at 2:36. Blink and you'll miss this one. DUD

Earlier tonight, Kevin Von Erich came out to greet the crowd, since this is Texas and he just materializes whenever a wrestling ring is setup

Handicap Elimination Match: Triple H and Shawn Michaels v The Spirit Squad: If you are eliminated, you get locked inside of a cage at ringside. Shawn starts, and immediately gets suckered into the heel corner for a beat down. The Squad bungle it in short order though, and Shawn takes them all out with their own megaphone. Mitch quickly eats a Superkick to be first out at 1:28. DX continue to play this one for comedy, and Johnny eats a spinebuster from HHH at 4:13. Shawn and Kenny brawl over to the entrance set, which allows Vince McMahon to pop out with a chair to blast Michaels with, and inside, the Squad capitalize on it. They cut the ring in half, but Shawn side suplexes his way out of a sleeper from Nicky, then dodges a flying legdrop from Kenny. Tag to HHH, and Nicky eats a Pedigree at 7:32. Mikey comes in next, but quickly runs into a Superkick at 8:06. Down to Kenny, and DX toy with him before wrapping up with a Superkick/Pedigree combo at 8:52. ¾*

Sabu vignette

Great Khali comes out to remind us that he's really big, but Big Show interrupts, since he is big as well. But then, Undertaker interrupts, since he is maybe not quite as big, but still pretty big, but is also dead, and that counts for something, too! They fight, I fast forward

Extreme Rules Match: Sabu v Stevie Richards: Richards hides out in the ropes at the bell, stalling. Sabu responds by throwing a chair at him, and quickly hitting Air Sabu. Where was this guy during every Freebirds match in my life? Triple-jump moonsault gets two, so Sabu brings a table in, and puts Stevie through it in sloppy fashion at 2:02. Looked like he wanted to hit the Arabian Facebuster there, but was way out of position, and just sort of fell onto him instead. DUD

Backstage, Randy Orton is hitting on Brooke Hogan (you know he's into her because he's actually complimenting her music, and there's literally no reason any male would do that unless he was trying to get into her pants), but Hulk shows up to scare him off. Randy backs off, but then hits Hulk with an RKO on the trunk of the Hulkster's car. The funniest bit is when Brooke gets out of the car, and is all 'Oh my God, dad! What happened to you?!'

Victoria and Michelle McCool join us to crown a winner in the Diva's Bull Riding contest. It's McCool, for the three people who give a shit

WWE Title Match: Edge v John Cena: Less than ten minutes of airtime remain, so don't expect a whole lot here. Edge bails to try and stall out, but Cena chases - only to miss a charge, and go flying over the top while trying to bring the champion inside. In, Edge clotheslines him, then badly botches a vertical superplex spot. Ouch, that was ugly. They take a breather before picking back up with Edge throwing another clothesline and a big boot for two, but Cena wins a slugfest, and starts mounting his comeback. Unlike every other show ever, I just noticed that the WWE logo is in the top right corner of the screen tonight, which is odd. Five Knuckle Shuffle sets up the FU, but Lita pulls the referee out at two! That distraction allows Edge to try the Spear, but Cena sidesteps, and applies the STF! Cena has it won, but Lita attacks the referee to prevent him from calling the submission, and John wins via DQ at 7:54. Well, I told you not to expect much, didn't I? ½*

BUExperience: Yeah, this was a pretty terrible SNME.