WWE Payback (April 2017)

Original Airdate: April 30, 2017

From San Jose, California; Your Hosts are Michael Cole, Corey Graves, and Booker T

Opening WWE United States Title Match: Kevin Owens v Chris Jericho: Owens bails to the outside right away, as per usual. Chris is right after him, and manages to avoid getting suckered on the way back in by pounding Kevin on the floor - only to get suckered on the way back in anyway. Jericho dropkicks him and adds a flying backelbow for two, and a one-handed bulldog sets up the Lionsault, but Owens bails to the apron. Chris reroutes with a springboard dropkick, but Kevin is ready for it, and smashes his face into the post to block. That sends the challenger to the outside, and Owens is on him with a Cannonball against the barricade. He leaves Chris out there to take the countout, but Jericho beats it in, so Owens hits a senton splash for two. Kevin grounds him in a chinlock, but a knee is countered with a schoolboy for two, so Owens clobbers him with a clothesline for two. DDT gets two, but Jericho escapes another chinlock - only to miss a stinger splash, and go bumping to the outside off of it. Kevin again leaves him out there to take the count, but Chris is in to stay in the game. He hits Kevin with a flying axehandle, then tries for the Walls, but Owens blocks. Chris keeps coming with an enzuigiri for two, but he runs into a superkick during a cross corner charge, and Owens hooks the leg for two. Chris tries for the Codebreaker, but Owens blocks, so Jericho backelbows him down for the Lionsault, but Kevin lifts the knees. Cannonball gets two, but the Pop-Up Powerbomb is countered to the Walls, and the crowd is INTO IT! Owens manages to the ropes to escape, but that just angers the challenger, and Jericho stomps his rope grabbing hand as a result. To the outside, Chris uses the steps to continue punishing the hand, so Kevin goes to the eyes on the way back in, and schoolboys him for two. Superkick sets up the Pop-Up Powerbomb, but the injured hand stops that effort, and Jericho applies the Walls again! Owens fights Owens for the ropes, but the bad hand prevents him from fully extending his grasp, and we have a new champion at 17:55. Good opener, with hard work all around, a hot crowd, and a finish that nicely played off of the WrestleMania match. *** ¼

WWE Cruiserweight Title Match: Neville v Austin Aries: Feeling out process to start, with Neville getting aggressive, but Aries not backing down a bit. Aries hits a slingshot somersault senton splash, so Neville bails, but Austin is right on him with a plancha. Aries goes to the top on the way back in, but Neville throws a dropkick to knock him down to the mat, and the champ puts the boots to him. Neville works him over, and a flying dropkick gets him two, but he gets cocky, and Austin knocks him over the top to the floor! That leads to a slugfest on the apron, and Austin gets the better of it, but a suplex in gets blocked. Neville looks for a follow-up, but runs into a jumping double-ax, and Austin takes him down with a modified stomachbreaker. Snapmare sets up a 2^nd rope flying seated backelbow for two, but Neville blocks a suplex. Rollup, but Austin blocks, and a reversal sequence ends in Aries hitting a neckbreaker across the middle rope, then knocking the champ to the outside for a tope. Inside, it gets two, so Neville tries a jawbreaker, but Aries shrugs it off. Neville responds with some kicks, but gets caught in a kneebreaker into a leg-hook saito suplex, and Aries suckers him into a sunset bomb. He shifts that right into the Last Chancery, and the ropes are out of reach, so Neville takes a shot at the referee to cause a DQ at 11:20. The finish made sense from a psychological perspective, but man, that's an annoying way to end it. ** ½

WWE RAW Tag Team Title Match: The Hardy Boyz v Sheamus and Cesaro: Matt Hardy starts with Cesaro, and they feel each other out. Haven't they already wrestled about two dozen times since WrestleMania? Seemingly every time I fast forward through RAW I see these two teams facing off. The Hardy's hit Poetry in Motion to give Matt a two count, but he telegraphs a backdrop, and eats an uppercut. Over to Sheamus for a rolling fireman's carry slam, and Cesaro with a cross corner uppercut. The challengers cut the ring in half on Matt, but he escapes a slam from Sheamus for the tag to Jeff Hardy. Jeff comes in hot on Sheamus, but gets dumped to the outside while trying to settle the bigger man down in an armbar. Cesaro rolls Jeff in to get a two count out of the deal, and he dead lifts him into a gutwrench suplex for two. The challengers cut the ring in half, but Jeff manages to fight off a double team with a flying corkscrew senton, and there's the tag to Matt! He's a broken house of fire, but Sheamus breaks up the Side Effect at two, and Roseanne Barr the door! With Jeff dealing with Sheamus on the outside, Matt tries a flying moonsault, but Cesaro dodges, and hits a springboard twisting forearm. Giant swing time into the sharpshooter, but Jeff helps his brother to the ropes to save. That earns him a beating from Sheamus, and the challengers look to finish with a Sheamus White Noise off the top, but Jeff saves at two! He dumps Cesaro into the crowd as Matt dodges the Brogue Kick, and Jeff hits the Swanton Bomb on Sheamus at 12:43. Got good towards the end, though the finish looked messed up. Nothing special overall, but Cesaro's execution was unbelievably crisp throughout. It's too bad we never got a chance to see Cesaro/Chris Benoit because that probably would have probably been incredible. **

WWE RAW Women's Title Match: Bayley v Alexa Bliss: Short feeling out process to start, and Bayley hits a bodyslam to setup a kneedrop for two, so Bliss bails. Bayley follows her out for a dropkick through the post, then back in to hook the leg for two. Alexa responds by laying a beating on her in the corner, and she works the champion over. Bliss gets cocky and gets her throat snapped across the rope, and Bayley starts mounting a comeback. Snap suplex sets up a seated backelbow, and a side suplex is added for two. 2^nd rope flying backelbow follows, but Bayley gets rammed into the turnbuckles while trying to follow-up. That allows Alexa a sunset bomb for two, and the double-kneedrop sets up the standing moonsault, but Bayley moves, and shines her wizard. Bayley hits a flying elbowdrop for two, so Alexa tries a sunset flip, but Bayley cradles the legs for two - only to get sent into the turnbuckles on the kickout. Alexa goes for the kill, so Bayley tries a desperation inside cradle, but it only gets two, and Bliss finishes with a DDT at 11:15 - becoming the first woman to hold both version of the Women's title. Wow, they must be all in on the Alexa push. She still isn't really at that level yet, but the character is strong, and she's been improving in the ring. Also, she's purty, so I'm not going to be the guy to complain about having to see her in a prominent role. Maybe the matches won't break two-stars, but I'll still find a way to enjoy them. *

House of Horrors Match: Randy Orton v Bray Wyatt: Orton is WWE Champion here, but this is non-title. It's also nonsensical. It takes place in some undisclosed location, at a literal house. Orton arrives to the property (in complete darkness - is it even dark out in California at 6:30 Pacific time?), and kicks the door to the house down, but gets jumped by Bray. He's lucky California isn't a stand-your-ground state. Wyatt beats on him in the living room for a while, and we get all sorts of goofy edits (this isn't live) that are supposed to be from Randy's POV. Bray disappears, so Orton walks into a bedroom - which is decorated with tons of baby dolls hanging from the ceiling. Randy is perplexed by this, and stops to play with said dolls, allowing Wyatt to attack again. This is so terrible that even the announcers aren't saying shit. Bray disappears again, so Randy walks around the house, with the lights flickering on and off. The acting here is ridiculously dumb. And that's not a normal critique I'd make of a wrestling match, but this isn't a wrestling match. It's a student film horror movie. And a bad one, at that. Randy ends up in the kitchen, where Wyatt attacks, and they end up crawling around on the kitchen floor together. If this were an indie film, they'd start crying now, and then kiss. I think even that would be preferable to this shit, though. Anyway, Wyatt gets the advantage, and tips a refrigerator over on Orton, then walks out of the house. Once outside, Bray does an incantation (cue more creepy jump cuts), and suddenly the house is bathed in a red light. I hope whoever was responsible for directing this mess doesn't quit their day job. Seriously, I think if Martin Scorsese took a dump on some film stock the resulting movie would be more well made than this. Wyatt then gets into Randy's car (a chauffeured limousine), and tells the driver to take him to the arena - ending this (?) at 11:00. For now...

Seth Rollins v Samoa Joe: They size each other up to start, with Joe able to take control early on with a headbutt and a series of jabs. Criss cross goes Seth's way when he dropkicks Joe to the outside, and he dives after him with a plancha, then hammers him out there. Joe responds by throwing him over the barricade, but Seth springboards off of it with a clothesline, then adds a tope. Another tope follows, but Joe fights him off by taking a shot at the knee, then hits a tope of his own, and they head back in. Joe unloads with kicks and jabs, but Rollins slugs back at him, so Joe sweeps the leg to stop that effort. Joe works the leg with a senton splash to the knee, but Rollins holds his own during a chopfest, so Joe hits an avalanche into an enzuigiri for two. Joe keeps unloading in the corner, so Seth tries a reverse STO into the buckles to fight him off, and he throws a superkick. Joe still won't go down, so Rollins helps him out with a neckbreaker, but a flying bodypress is caught, and Joe goes back to work on the leg. Grapevine wears Seth down, and a kneebar looks to finish, but Rollins gets the ropes. He's still in trouble, however, and Joe keeps working him over. Powerbomb gets two, and Joe uses the momentum of the kickout to shift to a half-crab. I love the psychology of that spot in general, and it has a lot more gravitas here. Seth gets the ropes again, so Joe bootchokes him in the corner, but runs into an elbow as he charges. That allows Seth a sling blade, but the bad knee slows down the follow-up. He's able to dodge a charge and hit an enzuigiri to setup a 2^nd rope flying somersault neckbreaker for two, but again the leg slows down a potential follow-up. Suplex, but the leg acts up, and Joe sweeps him down for a senton to the knee - Rollins able to move, and hit a superkick for two. He tries the running powerbomb, but the knee gives out, so he goes for the falcon arrow for two instead. I liked that sequence because the powerbomb wasn't his initial plan (he was heading for the top rope), but when Joe started coming to superplex him, he had to change gears and act out of desperation with a move that a clear headed Rollins would know not to try - and paid the predictable price. I'm a total sucker for that sort of psychology. Flying frogsplash hits, but the knee delays the cover, and Joe has a shoulder up at two. Slugfest goes Seth's way with an enzuigiri, but he walks into a sleeper - Rollins able to run up the ropes in the hold to fall back into a cradle for two. Joe responds by taking his head off with a clothesline, then goes back to the sleeper on the more docile opponent. Seth again manages to counter into a cradle, however, and this one gets him at 15:56. The ending was kinda out of nowhere, but the match was well worked, and Rollins' selling was exemplary. *** ¼

House of Horrors Match: Randy Orton v Bray Wyatt: Let the intelligence insulting continue! Out in the arena parking garage, Wyatt's commandeered limo arrives, and he gets out. He makes his way out to ringside, and when the lights come up, Randy is in the ring with him! But how did he get there? And why do they both look like they're so well rested? These are the types of questions a human being with even a modicum of logical reasoning might ask. So, naturally, the announcers ignore it. He hits Bray with a chair, then takes him out to the floor for an elevated DDT. Another shot with the chair, and they go into the ring, where Orton preps for the RKO, but Jinder Mahal and the Bollywood Boys run in to save. Wyatt tries Sister Abigail, but Orton counters with the RKO, so Jinder jumps him with the title belt before he can cover. Are there covers in this? I mean, one man has already crushed another underneath a large kitchen appliance - a three count seems kind of anticlimactic. Mahal spends a really, really long time grunting until Bray recovers, and he hits Orton with the Sister Abigail for the pin at 4:40 (or approx 15:40 total). Wow. Wow. Woooowwwww. I don't even know what to say about this one. This would have to be a strong contender for the worst match of all time. OF ALL TIME! But then, that would be admitting that this is actually a wrestling match, and I feel like that would be disrespectful to the memories of guys like Randy Savage or Lou Thesz. Hell, even stuff like the Heroes of Wrestling main event, or El Gigante/One Man Gang from Bash '91 - as terrible as they both are - were at least wrestling matches. And it's not like it got any better when it finally got to the arena, or anything. Literally the only redeeming bit of this whole shit show is that at least the Realtor who sold or leased them the stupid house probably made a few bucks doing it. So, there's that. -*****

Main Event: Roman Reigns v Braun Strowman: Roman comes right at him with some closed fists, and he dodges a charge to send Strowman over the top. Roman follows out with the Superman Punch off of the steps, but the Drive-By ends badly, and Braun chokeslams him onto the announce table. Wow, he didn't even prep that sucker first. Back in, Braun goes to work on Roman's bandaged body, with the Big Dog selling his ass off for the monster. To the outside again, Strowman keeps the abuse coming with the steps, and inside, a shoulderblock gets two. Strowman's offense isn't exactly blistering. He works a bearhug on the mat, but Reigns escapes, and dodges a pair of avalanches. Superman, but Strowman counters with a chokeslam - Reigns countering back with a Samoan drop for two. Funny cut to an audience member there, who looks almost literally bored to tears with this show. Weird that they'd pick HIM to cut to. Reminds me of when the announcers used to say the crowd is dead silent during Undertaker matches because they are 'in awe' back in the 90s. They spill to the outside, where Reigns tries the Spear, but Strowman catches him. He tries for the post, but Roman reverses, and Braun nearly gets counted out. In, Reigns hits the Spear for two, but a second one hits boot. Braun tries a powerbomb, but Reigns counters with a pair of Superman's. Spear, but Braun counters with the lifting arm triangle choke, then into a running powerslam for two. Another running powerslam, and that one is enough at 11:47. Not really all that much to this one. Kind of disappointing, really, as I was expecting a big brawl all around the arena, and instead it was just kind of a basic match. ¾*

BUExperience: A couple of good matches, but it's also got one of the worst matches OF ALL TIME on it, and a lackluster main event to boot. Pretty much no redeeming this one. But, on the bright side, at least it was under three hours long.

The House of Horrors is kinda worth checking out in a ‘so bad, it’s good’ sort of way – but only with company. That’s a must. It’s like drinking. Do it with friends, and it’s social. Otherwise it’s just sad and depressing.

DUD