Goody Bag 53: WrestleMania Kickoffs

 
WWE Tag Team Title Fatal Four-Way Elimination Match: The Usos v Los Matadores v Cesaro and Jack Swagger v Ryback and Curtis Axel: From the WrestleMania XXX pre-show, April 6 2014 in New Orleans Louisiana. Great, so we've got the Usos (who I can't tell apart), AND the Matadores (who I also can't tell apart). Why do I do this to myself? There are still episodes of Superstars and Nitro on the Network that I haven't reviewed, and I'm wasting my time trying to tell the fucking Usos apart. Anyway, one of the Usos starts with Axel, and they trade chops. Ryback tags in to pound said Uso down, but the Matadores prevent him from putting it away, which seems excessively stupid in an elimination match. Stay on the apron! Stay there as long as you can! Also, read that in Billy Madison voice, please. This was also during the period where the crowd was really into Cesaro, and people thought he might actually get a push out of it. Haha, silly fans. Also funny seeing Swagger out there in this loser gimmick after months of seeing him as a hoss in AEW. We get a dog pile sequence on the outside, and that ends in Swagger superplexing Diego to set up the Patriot Lock at 5:39. Well, at least the match will now be 25% easier for me to work with. Jack puts one of the Usos in the Patriot next, but sadly he escapes, robbing me of an easy play-by-play job. I honestly think that's the main reason I've never liked the Usos. Ryback holds one of them in an extended cobra clutch, which seems especially lazy in a match where there are three guys he could easily tag out to. Anyway, Uso escapes and tags other Uso, and other Uso runs wild on Axel, Roseanne Barr the door. Ryback press-slams Cesaro, but runs into a pop-up uppercut in short order, and the Neutralizer finishes him at 11:42. The Usos clean house to trigger stereo dives, but Swagger gets the Patriot on back inside, and looks to have it won until the other Uso saves. Note that 'other Uso' in this case might not be the 'other Uso' from earlier. It's 'an' Uso. Let's leave it at that. Anyway, the Usos hit Cesaro with stereo superkicks, then a stereo flying splashes to end it at 16:11. Well, at least that finish made my life easier. This was too long, but it was generally fine, in a paint-by-numbers way. *

WWE Tag Team Title Fatal Four-Way Match: Cesaro and Tyson Kidd v The Usos v The New Day v Los Matadores: From the WrestleMania 31 pre-show, March 29 2015 in Santa Clarita California. I know some people felt the 'bathed in sunlight' look hurt some of the dramatic staging, but I think this was one of the most visually appealing shows they've done in forever, and I'd love to see more of it. Cesaro and Kofi Kingston start, and it's criss cross'n time. Kofi wins that exchange with a dropkick, so one of the Matadores tags himself in off of Cesaro, so Cesaro kills one of the Usos on the outside, so badly that he gets carried out. That seems like a major overreaction. The other Uso goes nuts on everyone in response, and Cesaro gives Big E a pretty wild suplex where he dead lifts him up and over the middle rope. We get the obligatory dog pile spot on the outside, triggering a brawl between Natalya and Naomi out there, and Roseanne Barr the door. Finish comes when Cesaro steals a pin from Uso on Big E at 9:59. Not my cup of tea, but it was fast and furious action. * ½

WWE United States Title Match: Kalisto v Ryback: From the WrestleMania 32 kickoff, April 3 2016 in Dallas Texas. The building is still so empty at this point that the overall crowd may be smaller than a normal arena sized show. Ryback chucks him around to start, but Kalisto sticks and moves, and manages to knock the challenger to the outside. He dives after him, but then takes too long celebrating, and gets chucked into the barricade. Ryback presses him back into the ring (walking up the steps with him, in impressive fashion), and he uses a pop-up flapjack. Ryback mows him down with a backelbow for two, and he puts his knee on Kalisto's neck to choke him for a bit. That particular spot seems especially unfortunate today. Ryback with a hanging vertical superplex (why does no one ever use that awesome spot?), but Kalisto topples him for two on the way down, so Ryback clobbers him with a clothesline. He tries a suplex, but Kalisto counters with a DDT, and a kneeling rana gets two. Kalisto makes a comeback, and a springboard corkscrew backelbow is worth two. Ryback fights him off with a spinebuster, but Kalisto blocks a dead lift powerbomb, and he sends the challenger into an exposed turnbuckle for the pin at 8:58. Big guy/little guy matches are usually fun, and this was no exception. ** ¼

10-Woman Tag Team Match: Paige, Brie Bella, Natalya, Eva Marie, and Alicia Fox v Naomi, Summer Rae, Emma, Lana, and Tamina: Also from WrestleMania 32. It's weird how little turnaround we've seen on the men’s side of the roster compared to the women’s. Almost everyone in this match is long gone four years later. Alicia and Summer start, and a sloppy sequence ends in Rae DDT'ing her for two. Fox fires back with a dropkick and a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker for two, so Summer hides out in her corner, and we nearly get a bench clearing brawl before the referee restores order. The dust settles on Eva and Emma, and Marie uses a headscissors takedown, followed by a pair of vertical suplexes. She makes an aggressive tag to Natalya, but that allows Emma time to recover, and she chucks Nattie into her corner. Tag to Naomi for a series of kicks, so Paige tags in, but gets wheelbarrow suplexed by Emma for two. They cut the ring in half on Paige, until her teammates just kind of get sick of it, and run in for the save - leading to Paige diving off the top with a flying bodypress onto the opposing team. She hustles for the tag, but Tamina cuts her off, and the heat segment continues. She fights Emma off long enough for the hot tag to Brie, and Roseanne Barr the door! Everyone trade signature moves, ending in Brie getting Naomi in a crossface for the submission at 11:18. ½*

The Usos v The Dudley Boyz: Also from WrestleMania 32. Geez, did the Usos ever work the main show? Big brawl to start, with the dust settling on an Uso with D-Von Dudley. D-Von hits a backelbow for one, and he grounds Uso in a headvice. Uso escapes, so D-Von clotheslines him down for two, and he tags Bubba Ray Dudley in to help cut the ring in half. Uso fights off Bubba to allow the hot tag, and Roseanne Barr the door. The Boyz hit the Wassup Drop, which seems like such a dated reference that I'm not sure the majority of the audience watching would get it, even with an explanation. 3D looks to finish, but the other Uso cuts them off, and he superkicks D-Von for the pin at 5:20. ¾*

WWE Cruiserweight Title Match: Neville v Austin Aries: From the WrestleMania 33 kickoff in Orlando Florida, April 2 2017. Feeling out process to start, until Austin gets control, and Neville bails to the outside to regroup. Austin tries diving after him, but Neville blocks with a knee, and the champion dives with a flying dropkick for two. He grounds the challenger in a chinlock, but Aries fights free, so Neville tries a 450 splash off the middle, but it misses. That allows Austin to mount a comeback, but Neville escapes a fireman's carry, so Aries backdrops him over the top instead. Austin dives after him with a flying axehandle, and he adds a tope for good measure. Back inside, that gets the challenger a two count, so he works a front-facelock, but Neville powers to a vertical base in the corner to force a break. Neville tries a superplex out of the corner, but Aries blocks, and dives with a missile dropkick for two. Charge misses, allowing Neville a snap German suplex, but another one fails when Aries lands on his feet. Neville responds with a superkick, and a bridging German suplex is worth two. Neville puts the boots to him in the corner, but Aries counters the rings of Saturn with a cradle for two. Neville responds with an enzuigiri, but Aries rebounds with a forearm out of the ropes - only for Neville to fall out of the ring, preventing a pin attempt. That forces Aries to lug him back inside, and by the time he's able to do that, Neville fights him off. Neville goes up for the Red Arrow, but Aries follows, and brings him off with a rana. Aries adds a flying somersault splash for two, and he tries for the submission with the Last Chancery, but Neville goes to the eyes to escape. Neville capitalizes by kicking the middle rope into his face, and that allows him the Red Arrow at 15:39. Good back-and-forth action here. ** ¾

WWE Intercontinental Title Match: Dean Ambrose v Baron Corbin: Also from WM 33. Corbin blasts him with a clothesline to take control right away, but a charge in the corner misses, and Dean hits a tope on the outside. He sends Baron into the barricade before taking thing back inside for a bulldog, but Corbin blocks, sending Ambrose into the post in the process. Corbin with a legsweep for two, so he dumps Dean to the outside, and feeds him some barricade. Inside, Corbin tries a suplex, but Dean counters to Dirty Deeds, only for Baron to block. He corner clotheslines Ambrose to keep control, and he takes him down to the mat for a clutch. Why is Dean selling it like he's got a piece of carrot stuck between his teeth, though? Ambrose escapes, and dodges a charge, allowing him to hustle to the top for a flying elbowsmash, but Corbin blocks. That looked weird. Baron takes him upstairs for a superplex, but Ambrose fights him off with headbutts, and tries the Deeds again, but Baron blocks. Corbin tries a desperation charge, but Dean dodges, and Corbin goes over the top. That allows Ambrose to try a plancha, but Corbin knocks him out of the air. He tries another charge, but misses and hits the steps, allowing Ambrose to dive with a flying elbowsmash on the floor. Dean unloads on the way back inside, and a neckbreaker gets him two. Ten-punch, but Baron kicks him in the crotch to escape. Deep Six gets him two, so Corbin starts pounding him with mounted punches, but Dean won't back down. He gets to a vertical base and fires off the rebound clothesline, but Corbin counters the Deeds with a powerbomb for two. End of Days, but Ambrose counters to the Deeds to retain at 10:45. Pretty solid match, nothing more, nothing less. ** ¼

WWE Cruiserweight Title Match: Cedric Alexander v Mustafa Ali: From the WrestleMania 34 pre-show in New Orleans on April 8 2018. This is a tournament final for the vacant belt. Feeling out process to start, leading to a few lengthy reversal sequences. Alexander manages to dump him to the outside to set up a somersault suicida, and he rolls Ali in to cover for two. Cedric works a waistlock on the mat, but Ali fights free, so Alexander corner whips him into a backdrop for two. Back to the mat with another waistlock, but Ali escapes again, and this time fights off Alexander's assault. Ali with a sitout facebuster for two, but a charge ends badly when Alexander pulls out a Spanish fly. Ali tries recovering with a springboard, but Alexander drops him crotch-first across the top rope to block, and they end up slugging it out on the middle rope - ending in Ali bringing him off the top with a Spanish fly for two. Ali goes up, but Alexander shoves him off, all the way down to the outside. Inside, that gets Alexander two, as we get a split screen promo for the mixed tag for WrestleMania. Seems kind of pointless running a commercial for a show that's going to air on the same streaming service that you'd already need to have to see the commercial run to begin with. Were they worried people might cancel during the pre-show, or something? Ali fights back with an inverted rana, and he goes up with a reverse 450 splash, but Cedric has a foot on the ropes to save himself at two. Ali stomps the shit out of him and goes back up for another one, but Cedric dodges this time, and he pops Ali with a trio of spinning backelbows, before finishing him off with a powerblower at 12:19. ** ½

WWE Cruiserweight Title Match: Buddy Murphy v Tony Nese: From the WrestleMania 35 kickoff show in East Rutherford New Jersey on April 7 2019. Murphy tries attacking before the bell, but Nese dodges, and they slug it out in the corner. Criss cross is cut off by Nese with a legsweep, and they spill to the outside, where Nese dodges some cart wheeling, and punches the champion in the face. Always more effective than a cartwheel, that's for sure. They fight to the top, where Buddy manages an exploding gutbuster across the top turnbuckle, and he grounds his challenger in a chinlock. Tony tries fighting him off in the corner, so Buddy dumps him into the turnbuckles to cut him off. Tornado DDT, but Nese counters with a suplex into the buckles, and he adds a spinheel kick. Murphy tries dumping him to the apron to buy time, but Nese grabs him with a guillotine moonsault for two. Superplex, but Murphy fights him off, and hit a modified gutbuster for two. This guy's busting more guts than an Indian restaurant! Fireman's facebuster works, but Nese fights back with an inverted rana to buy some recovery time. Holy shit, I just realized that WrestleMania logo features the Statue of Liberty's crown in it. Both guys stagger, and Murphy hits a lariat, but a sunset flip is countered with a backdrop driver for two. Murphy wisely bails, so Nese dives after him with a suicida, and he forces the champion back inside to hit with a flying 450 splash for two. He tries a charge, but Buddy blasts him with a knee to block, and a pumphandle-death valley driver is worth two. Murphy goes for a kneesmash in the corner, but Nese blocks with a superkick, and a German suplex into the buckles sets up his own running kneesmash for the title at 10:42. The finish felt a little anticlimactic, but it was a good match. ***

WWE RAW Tag Team Title Match: The Revival v Curt Hawkins and Zack Ryder: Also from WM 35. Scott Dawson starts with Curt (dressed like an Irish Bob Holly tonight), and dominates him, along with plenty of teasing. That goes on until Curt just meekly tags out, but Zack gets destroyed, too. Based on how dominant the champions are getting to look, I'm guessing we're seeing a title change here. Ryder tries sticking and moving, but gets overwhelmed in a double team, and ends up down on the outside. Back in, the champions cut the ring in half on Ryder, mostly just chinlocking him for what feels like all eternity. He finally fights Dawson off long enough for the hot tag to Hawkins, and Roseanne Barr the door. The champs get control again during an exchange on the outside, but Hawkins busts out a flash pin on Dawson after playing dead - scoring the pin at 13:20. This felt like it went on forever. ½*

Cesaro v Drew Gulak: From the WrestleMania 36 kickoff, April 4 2020 (taped March 25) in Orlando. Well, at least they don't have to feel bad about working in front of a smaller crowd this year. Drew tries taking it to the mat early, but Cesaro fights him off with a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker, and he goes for the Neutralizer, but Gulak manages to take him down in a wristlock to avoid it. He tries a short-armscissors, but Cesaro powers to a vertical base, and slams him down to break the hold. Neutralizer, but Gulak counters to a crippler crossface, and Cesaro needs the ropes to break. Gulak responds by dumping him over the top, and he dives off the apron with a clothesline out there. Drew works the arm on the way back in, and another clothesline sends Cesaro back over the top. Gulak adds an armdrag on the floor, and sends Cesaro arm-first into the steps. Gulak tries a flying bodypress on the way back inside, but Cesaro throws an uppercut to block. Cover, count, but Gulak grabs a fujiwara armbar as he kicks out at two! Criss cross ends with Gulak hooking a well executed sunset cradle for two, but Cesaro fights him off. Neutralizer, but Gulak blocks, so Cesaro gives him a helicopter slam for three at 4:24. Too short, but good fun. ** ¾

Natalya v Liv Morgan: From WM 36, April 5 2020 (taped March 26). Natalya takes her down in a side-headlock right away, and they feel each other out for a bit, with Natalya dominating. Morgan manages to hook a schoolgirl for two, and she corner whips Natalya to gain control. Liv with a hip attack in the corner, but a second try misses, and Natalya delivers a seated dropkick for two. Natalya with a corner whip of her own, but Liv blocks, and she snaps Nattie's throat across the top rope. She tries a slingshot back in, but Natalya blocks, and a discus clothesline knocks Morgan to the floor. Natalya with a snap suplex on the way back in, and she grounds Morgan for a surfboard. Charge in the corner misses, allowing Liv another schoolgirl, but the referee is way out of position. No matter, Morgan keeps her comeback going, and a kneeling facebuster gets her two. Reversal sequence ends in Natalya delivering a wheelbarrow facebuster for two, but Liv counters the Sharpshooter with a cradle for two. Morgan adds a dropkick, and a pinfall reversal sequence ends in Morgan reversing a victory cradle at 6:23. This was fine. * ¼