WWE Hell in a Cell (October 2010)

Original Airdate: October 3, 2010

From Dallas, Texas; Your Hosts are Michael Cole, Matt Striker, and Jerry Lawler

Opening WWE United States Title Triple Threat Submissions Count Anywhere Match: Daniel Bryan v Miz v John Morrison: The announcers call Miz the “future of WWE,” but then walk it back after noting that he has the soundtrack to Glee on his iPod. The second half of that sentence could not possibly be more 2010. Everyone goes for submissions right away, which goes nowhere. Miz bails, allowing Bryan to try a grapevine on Morrison, but John rolls out of the ring in the hold. That means nothing, so Bryan just holds it with a kneebar out there, so Miz comes over and stomps both their asses. Inside, Miz hammers John, as the announcers discuss “Twitter’ing someone.” I’m pretty sure that’s not how that goes. Bryan traps Miz in a cattle mutilation, but it goes nowhere, so he settles for just kicking him a bunch of time. Grapevine, but Morrison saves with a corkscrew dive onto both guys, and he traps Daniel in a hold. Miz saves, and they spill to the outside, then into the crowd. Miz gets Morrison in a wristlock out there (which we’re supposed to buy as a legitimate submission attempt, in case you’re as confused as I was), but it goes nowhere. All three brawl through the stands, and they end up over at the entrance set, where Bryan takes a bump on the ramp. Miz knocks Morrison silly with a Skull Crushing Finale on the floor, and a reversal sequence with Bryan on the stage ends in both guys looking up at the lights. That buys John the time to climb up the set, and he dives with a flying bodypress onto both guys. He goes for the kill on Miz with a Texas cloverleaf (fitting), but Alex Riley runs out to make the save! Daniel takes him out, however, and the LeBell lock finishes Miz at 13:33. I didn’t like this. ½*

WWE Title Hell in a Cell Match: Randy Orton v Sheamus: Lawler is really showing his age here, struggling in even getting clear sentences out. They slug it out a bunch in the early going, just kind of trading off without much direction for the first few minutes. Finally, Orton clotheslines him over the top, but the champ eats the cage when he chases after him. Sheamus works him over on the outside, but a throw with the steps misses, and Sheamus eats post. Randy bashes him into the cell a few times for good measure, and then clobbers him with those same steps for good measure. Inside, that gets Orton a two count, but Sheamus manages to crotch him on the top rope, and send the champion flying into the cage. He exposes the top turnbuckle, but Orton blocks a smash into it, so Sheamus blasts him with an axehandle instead. Randy bails, so Sheamus follows to grate his face into the mesh, then drops Orton across the steps for two. Sheamus goes to the ground with a chinlock/bodyscissors combo, but Randy escapes, and makes a comeback. Striker calls him “Randal” at one point, and I really, really don’t like it. Randal with a belly-to-belly suplex for two, and the inverted headlock backbreaker sets up the RKO, but Sheamus blocks. Orton responds by giving him an elevated DDT on the floor, but Sheamus gets control with a uranage onto the steps for two. Sheamus grabs a chair and unloads with that for two, but a big knockout swing gets countered with an RKO. Sheamus manages to fall out of the ring to avoid getting covered, and he manages to get control of Orton when Randy follows. Sheamus tries the crucifix powerbomb, but Orton blocks, slamming his challenger onto the steps. RKO on the steps connects, and Orton retains at a mind numbingly boring 22:50. This was so boring I can’t even properly make fun of it. ¼*

Edge v Jack Swagger: This is an impromptu match, set up by the anonymous General Manager. Swagger pounds him down to start, and he works the ribs for a while. Stomachbreaker gets two, so Edge tries a tornado DDT, but Jack blocks, and clotheslines him for two. Swagger works a bodyscissors, but Edge escapes, only to miss a straddling ropechoke. That allows Swagger another cover for two, and he tries a German suplex off of the apron, but Edge blocks. They slug it out on the apron, ending in Jack hooking an abdominal stretch through the ropes. Gorilla Monsoon must have been rolling over in his grave, poor guy. Edge manages a big boot on the way back in, buying him a little time. He parlays it into a comeback, and a modified stomachbreaker gets him two. DDT, but Swagger blocks, and a reversal sequence ends in the Edge-o-Matic for two. Swagger immediately comes back with an anklelock, but Edge fights free, and backdrops him over the top. Edge follows, so Swagger grabs him in another anklelock, but Edge sends him into the steps to escape. Edge with a missile dropkick for two on the way back in, and he bashes Jack’s arm into the post, but another trip to the top is countered with a pop-up superplex for two. Side suplex sets up a pump-splash, but Edge blocks. Spear, but Swagger counters with a gutwrench powerbomb for two. Edge tries an enzuigiri, but Swagger blocks, in awkward fashion. Edge took a weird looking bump there, but he looks fine. Swagger grabs another anklelock, but Edge fights free, and lands a spear at 11:30. There are better Edge/Kurt Angle matches out there. * ¾ 

John Cena v Wade Barrett: If Cena wins, the Nexus disbands. If Barrett wins, Cena joins the Nexus. Some measuring to start, as the announcers have utterly inane exchanges. Cena goes for the Attitude Adjustment early, but the Nexus show up at ringside, and he gets distracted. That allows Barrett to dump him to the outside, but he tells his boys to stay out of it to avoid risking disqualification, and whips Cena into the barricade. That gets him two on the way back in, and a punch is worth two. Cross corner whip sets up a backbreaker for two, as the announcers note that they “can’t imagine John Cena in the black and gold.” Yeah, he’d be weird on the Killer Bees. Barrett with a 2nd rope elbowdrop for two and a neckbreaker for two. Catapult into the ropes sends Cena rebounding into a modified lungblower, and Barrett works a bow-and-arrow from there. Cena escapes and makes a comeback, so the Nexus threaten interference, but before they can do anything, a whole slew of WWE midcarders run out to chase them off. The match just kind of stops dead while all that is going down, and then Cena just gets back to running through his comeback. STF, but Barrett blocks, and manages a pumphandle-slam for two. Wasteland, but Cena counters with a suplex for two. That allows him to try the AA, but Barrett counters with a butterfly suplex for two, and a scrapbuster is worth two. Barrett goes back to the middle for another elbowdrop, but Cena dodges this time. He muscles to the top rope for a flying rocker dropper, but it only gets two. AA, but Barrett counters with the Wasteland for two. Barrett tries to figure out what to do next, but as he’s thinking, Cena stuns him with an AA for two. STF looks to finish, and he’s got him in the middle, but a fan runs in. The referee dives on him as Cena releases the hold to get into a defensive position, but then another fan jumps out of the crowd to bash him with a weapon, and Barrett covers at 17:48. The false flag thing with the ‘fan’ might have worked for the live crowd, but it was very obviously staged if you were watching on TV, since when that really happens, they always cut away, and never acknowledge it on the commentary. This was another one that stretched out too far, but it was solid work, and Cena did a good job of timing his hope spots. It also felt like a big and important match, something that was becoming increasingly rare during this period. ** ¾ 

WWE Divas Title Match: Michelle McCool v Natalya: Natalya dominates with some takedown attempts to start, so McCool bails. Natalya chases, but gets clotheslined on the floor, and McCool sends her into the barricade. Inside, McCool uses a snapmare to set up a bodyscissors, but Natalya gets into the ropes, and starts making a comeback. Discus clothesline connects, so Layla distracts her to break the cover. That allows McCool to recover, but a heel miscommunication allows Natalya a schoolgirl for two. Sharpshooter, but McCool counters to a grapevine. Natalya counters back to the Sharpshooter, so Layla throws a shoe at Natalya, and the referee calls the DQ at 4:51. Thankfully, the announcers at least get the Austin Powers reference in. ¼*

Main Event: World Heavyweight Title Hell in a Cell Match: Kane v Undertaker: Paul Bearer is back for the first time since 2004, standing in Undertaker’s corner, for those Bearer tracking. Kane attacks as Undertaker enters the cell, blitzing him with some abuse on the floor. Undertaker fights him off as they head into the ring, and he avalanches Kane a couple of times ahead of a snake eyes. Clothesline sets up a legdrop for two, so Kane grabs a chair, and unloads to turn the tide. Kane works him over for a long (see: boring) while, until Undertaker fights him off, and delivers a guillotine legdrop. Slugfest goes Undertaker’s way, and a jumping clothesline finds the mark. He goes to the top, but Kane vertical superplexes him off. Undertaker fights back with a Hell’s Gate, but Kane gets to the outside to force a break. Both guys try a big boot at the same time for a double knockout, and they stagger to their knees for a slugfest - which the crowd is surprisingly excited about, considering how dull this match has been. Undertaker with a DDT for two, and a chokeslam is worth two. Last Ride, but Kane counters with a chokeslam for two, and he unloads in the corner. Ten-punch count, but Undertaker counters with a Last Ride for two. Tombstone, but Kane reverses for two, and honestly, I’m legitimately shocked that neither of these guys ever hurt anyone with that move over the years. Kane beats up the referee in frustration, and Bearer slips into the cell as a new referee comes in to switch off with the original. Kane stalks him around ringside, but that distraction allows Undertaker to recover, and he delivers a chokeslam. Tombstone, but Bearer blinds him with his urn flashlight, and Kane chokeslams him at 22:40. Considering how long and boring the Night of Champions match was, why would you double down on it? DUD

BUExperience: Why do I insist on sticking with this era, even though I don’t get almost any enjoyment from it? Why am I such an obsessive complilist that I need to cover every show? Why do I spend countless hours of the very limited time I have watching stuff that annoys me, and feels like a chore? These are the questions I will surely be asking my therapist one day (on the optimistic side), or asking myself on my deathbed (on the darker side).

DUD