WWF SummerSlam 1996

With rival WCW unveiling a game changing twist in the young nWo angle only a few weeks before SummerSlam, the WWF was rapidly plummeting in the Monday Night War ratings, and for the first time, became the #2 wrestling promotion in America. If ‘Feel the Heat’ was ever an appropriate tagline for SummerSlam, it was certainly in 1996 – fan interest in the card so low that it still ranks as the least commercially successful SummerSlam show.

From Cleveland, Ohio; Your Hosts are Vince McMahon, Jim Ross, and Mr. Perfect. Hilarious moment during the opening spiel, as some fan in the front row tries to get Perfect’s autograph (while he’s introducing the damn show), so Perfect shoots him an ‘are you fucking kidding me?!’ look these words can’t do justice.

Free for All: Yokozuna v Steve Austin: Austin jumps him from behind with a series of right hands, but Yoko only needs one to come back. Austin rakes the eyes in response, but gets dropped like a Samoan, and Yokozuna goes for the Banzi Drop - but the top rope snaps off, and Austin hooks the leg for the pin at 1:53. That finish was planned, though it was still surprising and visually impressive to see the rope snap off under Yokozuna's weight - after spending years waiting for it to accidentally happen. Austin was fresh off of winning King of the Ring here, but he remained directionless until the Bret Hart feud launched him into the stratosphere a few months later. DUD

Opening Match: Owen Hart v Savio Vega: Vega complains to the referee about Owen's cast at the bell (he was doing a Bob Orton 'unneeded cast as weapon' angle), but the Official tells him to stop whining, and get to it. Savio wisely goes after the 'bad' arm in the early going, and actually gets a two count off of an armdrag. Rollup for two, but Hart's kickout sends Savio shoulder-first into the corner (which looked very obviously choreographed), and Owen works the shoulder with an armbar. Single-arm DDT gets two, and he keeps wailing on the shoulder, but a spinheel kick misses, and Vega hits a bodypress for two. Owen hits an enzuigiri to slow him down, and successful try at the spinheel kick gets two. A blind charge allows Savio to blast him with a roundhouse kick, and he hits an inverted atomic drop to set up a series of clotheslines. Ten-punch count and a sidewalk slam get two, but a backdrop gets countered into a neckbreaker. Owen with a missile dropkick for two, but a flying moonsault attempt gets him crotched on the top rope, and side-superplexed off. Owen feigns an injury to allow him to slip his cast off, and a shot with it leaves Vega limp for the Sharpshooter at 13:24. It really heated up towards the end, but Owen wasn't feeling it here, sleep walking through most of the match. Though, even half of Owen Hart's ass is better than a full moon from most of the other guys on the roster. *

WWF Tag Team Title Four-Way Elimination Match: The Smoking Gunns v The Bodydonnas v The New Rockers v The Godwinns: The Gunns have 1996-Sunny bouncing around in their corner, and are therefore my favorite by default. Hell, fucking Giant Gonzalez would have my vote if it meant more Sunny. Billy Gunn starts with Henry Godwinn, and gets overpowered out of a few criss crosses. Ocean Cyclone Suplex leaves Billy scrambling to tag Zip, but Henry passes to Phineas Godwinn rather than deal with a knockoff Chris Candido. Phineas has no problem dealing with him (Phineas has low standards), and a big criss cross ends in both guys tagging the Gunns. Since it's elimination rules, they obviously protest, but are smart enough to try and pass the buck. The Godwinns hit the floor to avoid tagging, but Bart manages to pass to Zip and Billy pins him at 4:02 - which makes sense, since Skip had a legitimate neck injury (he wears a damn brace to the ring) and could work. The dust settles on Henry Godwinn and Leif Cassidy (Al Snow), and Cassidy destroys him with forearm shots. Marty Jannetty with a fistdrop, but the crowd doesn't make a peep as he tries to showboat for them. A miscommunication sees the Gunns and Rockers collide ('Gunns and Rockers' not to be confused with the furniture store geared towards the elderly of the same name in Kentucky), and Henry pins Jannetty with the Slopdrop at 7:21. Bart Gunn wastes no time going after Henry with a bodyslam, but a blind charge misses, and Henry takes his head off with a clothesline out of the corner. Meanwhile, Sunny bounces. Billy tries a Stinger Splash, but Henry counters with a powerslam, and passes to Phineas. He's an outhouse of fire, and the obligatory four-way brawl ends with Bart hitting a flying axehandle on Phineas for Billy to pin at 12:19. Decent, well paced stuff for the most part, but it really fell apart towards the end - the Gunns just brutally bad in their last leg of offense. ½*

Davey Boy Smith v Sid: Davey tries a standing side-headlock at the bell, but Sid towers him, and easily counters into a bodyslam. Davey bails to the floor to regroup, and inside, Sid hooks a headlock of his own. Davey tries to side suplex out, but Sid bears down on him, and takes it to the mat. Another bodyslam gets two, but a backdrop is countered into a hanging vertical suplex by the Bulldog. With Sid now off of his feet, Davey hooks a chinlock, but Sid fights back up to vertical base to break, so Smith clotheslines him over the top. Suplex back in, but Davey changes gears, and casually drops the big man across the top rope for two. Back to the chinlock, but Sid powers up with a Stinger Splash, only to miss a second try at it, and get hit with a Running Powerslam. Another one, but Sid counters into a chokeslam, and hits a visually impressive Powerbomb for the pin at 6:25. No one's dream match, but both guys worked hard, and got it done quickly enough. *

Marc Mero v Goldust: This came about when Goldust and manager/sex slave Marlena tried to recruit Mero's manager/lover/wife/trophy Sable for a three-way - though it was still 1996, so they referred to it as their 'team.' For a guy in a feud over his wife getting propositioned for anal sex with a golden man, Mero doesn't seem too worked up - until Goldust makes the mistake of slapping him. Mero with a Japanese armdrag, and a good ol’ AMERICAN version leaves Goldust cowering in the corner. A big criss cross ends in Mero hitting a bodypress for two, and he takes Goldust to the mat in an armbar. He shifts into a hammerlock as Goldust fights up to a vertical base, but can't keep it on through a series of backelbows. Mero tries to charge to keep the momentum, but Goldust quickly counters with a backdrop over the top - leaving Sable to nurse him back to health. With her tits. Jealous, Goldust drops Mero onto the rail, and rolls him in for a clothesline. Chinlock allows the crowd to focus on Mankind making his way to ringside (aligned with Goldust at this point) to hit on Sable for their 'team.' She starts crying as he shows her his dick, but WWF Officials manage to get him to put it away, and go back to the locker room. With that drama over, Mero starts to power out of the chinlock, but can't get to his feet after Goldust unloads with his boot. He manages an inverted atomic drop, and the Golden Gloves routine sets up a jumping clothesline. Backdrop, but Goldust counters a ten-punch count, and they end up spilling to the floor when Mero fires off a headscissors takedown. He follows with a somersault senton, and brings Goldust in with a slingshot legdrop. To the top rope for the Wild Thing, but the referee gets distracted by Marlena, and it only gets two. Powerslam for two, but a criss cross ends in Goldust hitting the Curtain Call for the pin at 11:03. Really slow, WCW-style match here - both men not clicking at all, and boring the crowd. ¼*

Jake Roberts v Jerry Lawler: Lawler had been ridiculing Roberts for his problems with drugs and alcohol to set this up, which is either really hilarious or really mean, depending on your opinion of Jake Roberts. Lawler does his usual, brilliant job of individually insulting half the crowd before the match, even going as far as busting out a Baltimore Ravens jersey to rub salt in Cleveland's wounds. He offers Jake a bottle of champagne at the bell, so Jake responds by whipping his snake out. Hey, better to be a champagne whore than a coke whore. It's important to have standards. That leads to a long stall session by the King (I'm shocked too), as he offers Jake two bottles of whisky to call the match off. Roberts responds by ramming Jerry into the steps, and slamming him on the outside.  Into the post, so Lawler counters by throwing a drink in his face, and tying him in the ropes. With Jake stuck, Lawler brings in one of the bottles, but Jake counters the... drink... with a backdrop. Short-clothesline, but Jerry blocks the DDT by holding onto the referee. He bashes Jake with the bottle of whisky, and as it has so many times before, whisky leaves Jake flat on his back at 4:10. Afterwards, Lawler pours half the bottle down Jake's throat until Mark Henry (early in his WWF run, and doing guest commentary on the match) makes the save. According to Jake, Jerry 'pranked' him by using real alcohol, though that's never been confirmed, and I wouldn't take Jake Roberts at his word. Either way, it was a horrible match (Jake looking particularly worn out and slow), but at least it was short. DUD

Boiler Room Brawl: The Undertaker v Mankind: After working an intense feud since Mankind's debut the night after WrestleMania XII (which even saw him defeat the Undertaker at King of the Ring), this was to be the final blowoff. The idea here is that Paul Bearer (aligned with the Undertaker at this point, for those Bearer-tracking) waits in the ring, while Mankind and the Undertaker battle in the arenas boiler room. The first man to make it to ringside and retrieve the urn wins. With Bearer set up in the ring, they cut to the back, as the Undertaker heads for the boiler room (helpfully labeled 'BOILER ROOM! DANGER!'), and it's like going to a haunted house on Halloween, as he slowly walks around searching for Mankind, and waiting for something to pop out at him. That goes on for a bit (Is he being this pipe? No. Okay. Is he behind this wall? No. Okay) until Mankind sneaks up on him with a piece of tubing. He beats Undertaker with the tubing, but gets whipped into the wall, and they fight towards one of the boilers - 'Taker getting rammed into it. Technical difficulties result in us losing picture (though the camera was never touched) to mask an edit, and the it comes back about ten seconds later with Mankind beating 'Taker with a trash can. He sprays him with some hot steam, but gets a second trash can kicked into his face. 'Taker whacks him with a wooden crate, but gets blown low, as the announcers have stopped talking completely - making this come off even weirder than it was before. Mankind climbs a ladder for an elbowdrop, and starts dragging the Undertaker towards the exit, but we lose the picture again, and pick it back up a good minute later, with Mankind setting up another ladder, but having the Undertaker tip it over - launching him through a cardboard box. They fight over to the door, and Mankind tries to barricade him in (though he uses empty plastic wastebaskets to do it, so 'Taker easily powers through), and they fight down the locker room hallway - destroying everything in their path. Mankind pours a pot of hot coffee on him (which you know is hot because they've ramped up the smoke effect so much it looks like there's a fire), and Mankind crawls through the entrance ramp - 'Taker right behind him. They brawl to ringside, and Mankind tries to use a TV as a weapon (the WWF set up four thirty-inch televisions on little carts (the way you might remember from movie days in middle school) to allow the crowd to see the backstage action, though I doubt anyone past the fifth row could make anything out), but Undertaker fights him off, so Mankind exposes the concrete floor and piledrives him onto it. He heads into the ring, but Undertaker catches him on the apron, and uses the top rope as a slingshot to send Mankind crashing onto the concrete. 'Taker makes it in, and kneels in front of Paul Bearer for the urn - but Paul stops to polish it. That allows Mankind to jump in with the Mandible Claw, and Bearer bashes him with the urn before passing it to Mankind at 27:10. Afterwards, the Undertaker gets carried away from the ring by a group of druids (the idea being that this was his death, and that he would return for revenge a few months later), but the WWF quickly changed gears, and decided against taking one of their biggest draws off of television at a time when their ratings were plummeting, and instead had Mankind 'bury him alive' in October, and then have him make the big return only a month later at Survivor Series. The boiler room bits were pre-taped to allow them time for edits and reshoots, which really put the focus on 'entertainment' over 'sports,' though it was certainly different.  Not at all a wrestling match, it came off more like a bad action movie for the most part (hell, it was almost as long as one), though the Mankind character was so interesting in 1996 (no one had ever managed to manhandle the Undertaker like he did - even Hulk Hogan) that it wasn't a complete waste of time. This match was a good selling point for the show, but honestly, I'm still not sure what they were going for with the execution. The crowd was bored by not being able to see most of it, and the home audience saw more continuity problems than Goodfellas (one second they're dirty, the next they're not; wet, dry), with the lack of commentary making it fall flat. ¼*

Main Event: WWF Title Match: Shawn Michaels v Vader: Shawn is small, Vader is big. That's about all there is to it here. And that's fine. Shawn soaks in the cheers of the braces-club (old wrestlers at ringside wearing knee braces), but Vader responds by unloading a barrage of forearms to the abdomen, and leveling him with a short-arm clothesline. Shawn uses his speed advantage to sweep Vader off of his feet, and hits a seated dropkick to keep him on the mat. Not wanting to allow Vader to regain a vertical base, Michaels kneels down before unloading closed fists, and gets Vader to the floor for a baseball slide. He follows with a beautiful tope, and hits a flying axehandle on the way back in. Rana, and a headscissors sends Vader tumbling over the top again. Shawn tries to follow out with a slingshot rana, but Vader catches him on the way down, and powerbombs him on the floor. Vader carries him on his shoulder to casually drop him back in the ring, and he hits a snap suplex. Vader props him up in the corner for some body shots, and Shawn Flair Flips to the floor. Back in, Vader with a backdrop, but a blind charge misses - though Vader quickly regroups with a lariat. Suplex, but Shawn slips free for a series of right hands, so Vader tosses him to the floor, then slams him back in when Michaels tries to skin the cat. Vader hooks a cobra clutch, but Shawn slugs free and hits a kneelift. Series of clotheslines can't take Vader down, so Shawn tries a baseball slide, but gets caught between Vader's legs. The challenger tries to splash him, but Shawn lifts his knees and hits a diving clothesline to take Vader down. Flying elbowdrop, but Vader is out of position, so Shawn legitimately freaks out, and hops down to chew Vader out mid-match - including stomping his head. You know, sometimes (more than sometimes, really) I'm surprised Shawn Michaels made it through the 1990s alive. They get their shit together (see: Shawn - Vader's shit was always in one piece) for a bodypress to the floor, and Vader press slams him onto the rail out there, getting a countout victory at 14:00. That doesn't win him the title, however, so manager Jim Cornette calls bullshit, and demands the match restart. Shawn agrees, so Vader thanks him by hopping out to the floor for a few more body shots. Cornette adds a shot with his tennis racket for good measure, and Vader hits an avalanche on the way back in. Belly-to-belly suplex gets two, but Michaels blocks the Powerbomb, and hits a diving forearm. He manages the flying elbowdrop without crying, but Jim Cornette hooks his ankle to stop the Superkick, and Shawn steals his tennis racket - getting himself disqualified in the process at 18:00. The ring fills with WWF Officials to break it up, but Cornette refuses to take the victory that way either, and demands another do-over. That's enough to get WWF President Gorilla Monsoon involved, but Shawn's still game, and charges through the Officials at Vader. Another flying elbowdrop (okay, now he's just overcompensating), and the Superkick hits - but only gets two. Thrown, Shawn stupidly tries a side-headlock, and gets whipped into the referee before Vader powerbombs him for two. Vaderbomb, but he stops mid-move to switch to a flying moonsault, only to take too long and hit the mat. Shawn with his own flying moonsault, and that gets the pin at 22:30. A good match in the Vader/Sting style, but the stop/start stuff hurt it a lot (killing the matches momentum each time), as did Shawn's unprofessionalism. Vader was actually originally scheduled to win the title here, but Shawn had a temper tantrum to veto it. In hindsight, they probably should have put Vader over for the title here, but the last thing they needed was an already WCW dreaming Shawn Michaels getting upset. *** ¼

BUExperience: A rather forgettable SummerSlam outside of the main event, and unfortunately Shawn/Vader is not nearly good enough to carry the entire show. The rest is mostly solid, but it all comes to a grinding halt during the long, slow Boiler Room Brawl. Though I was a huge (literally, I was pretty fat) WWF mark at this point, and eagerly ate up everything they put out, even I felt this show didn’t deliver at the time – and it really doesn’t hold up well for a rewatch. DUD