WWE Royal Rumble (January 2016)

Original Airdate: January 24, 2016

From Orlando, Florida; Your Hosts are Michael Cole, Byron Saxton, and John Bradshaw Layfield. What, no King?

Opening WWE Intercontinental Title Last Man Standing Match: Dean Ambrose v Kevin Owens: Big slugfest to start, and Dean takes control - ten-punching his challenger in the corner, and hitting a bulldog. Owens bails to the outside, but Dean is after him with a tope - a crashing Owens knocking down the announcers like bowling pins in a hilarious spot. Haha, suck it, Michael Cole. They beat each other with phone and tablets they find on the announce table (Oh no! Now how are they going to watch the WWE Network?!), and Dean finds a kendo stick underneath the ring to do some damage with. Owens fights him off with a superkick, and a somersault bodyblock against the guardrail puts Dean down for the count - Ambrose beating it. Owens punishes him with the kendo stick on the way back into the ring, and a short-clothesline sets up a senton splash, but Ambrose beats the count. They really should add a little on-screen graphic with the referee's count for these Last Man Standing matches. God knows they've got every other imaginable technological addition covered, why not one that actually enhances the product, instead of that shaky camera shit they make me dizzy with every month. Owens beats him with a chair, but Dean beats the count again, so Kevin tries a death valley driver onto an unfolded chair, but gets countered with the rebound clothesline. Both guys beat the count, so Kevin whacks him with a chair again to keep control, but a powerbomb onto some chairs is countered with a backdrop onto them. Kevin bails to the floor, so Dean tries another tope, but Owens is ready for it this time - catching him in a bearhug, and ramming him into the apron. He follows by throwing Ambrose into the steps in vicious fashion, but Dean beats the count with the aid of those same steps. Kevin stacks up a few tables and tries to superplex Dean out of the ring through them, but Ambrose slugs him off, and throws a chair at him to stop that particular effort. Dean blitzes him with jabs, but walks into a superkick. Kevin tries to capitalize with the Pop-Up Powerbomb, but Ambrose counters with a rana, and hits the Dirty Deeds - Owens beating the count! Dean responds by giving him a second one onto a chair, and Kevin is off in night-nightland. He can't get to his feet via traditional means, but wisely rolls to the floor - landing on his feet, which breaks the count. That's a nice little bit you don't see too often, actually. Undeterred, Ambrose sets up another table out there - which seems like overkill, considering there are two others already stacked up, not to mention the three announce tables. Anyway, he puts Owens through it with a flying elbowdrop, but the count is beaten. Dean grabs yet another table on the way back in, and softens his challenger up with a chair before setting it up. He tries a superplex through it, but Owens counters with a fisherman's superplex through the table, and both guys manage to beat the resulting count. Owens is good and pissed now, and he punishes Ambrose with the Pop-Up Powerbomb, but Dean still beats the count. Owens is in total shock, but regroups by beating Ambrose with a chair. No use crying over split wood, after all. He puts Dean onto a bunch of chairs and heads up to moonsault down onto the champion, but Dean pops up and shoves him off - Kevin crashing down through the tables he stacked up on the floor earlier on, and unable to beat the count at 20:21. That was quite an opener, with both guys given plenty of time to tell their story, and delivering a hard-hitting and exciting brawl. I'm not usually a fan of Last Man Standing matches because of all the downtime for the counts, but these two did a really good job of making them dramatic through use of selling and facial expressions. *** ½

WWE Tag Team Title Match: The New Day v The Usos: Kofi Kingston starts with Jey Uso, and they trade headlocks. Criss cross goes Jey's way when he stops short to cause Kingston to wipe out, and the Usos deliver a backbreaker/flying kneedrop combo. Kingston fights Jimmy Uso off with a jawbreaker, however, and passes out to Big E. Hot pink is an odd color choice for Big E, but in a good way. Like, it shouldn't work, but it does. Out to the floor, Jimmy fights Big E off, but gets overwhelmed when Xavier Woods lends a hand, and nearly eats a countout. Back in, New Day cut the ring in half on Jimmy, but he manages to kick Kofi off the apron, and tag. Jey is a hut of fire to ignite a four-way brawl, and we get a big dog pile sequence on the floor. Inside, the Usos go for the kill with a flying splash on Kingston, but he's in the ropes thanks to Woods. They fight through the distraction, but get overwhelmed, and Big E delivers the Big Ending at 10:53. Man, New Day is a lot of fun. Too bad they don't have anyone to play with in this division, though. * ½

WWE United States Title Match: Alberto Del Rio v Kalisto: Del Rio towers over Kalisto, and uses his size advantage to throw him around in the early going. Ten-punch in the corner looks almost comical because of the size difference, but Alberto gets arrogant, and knocked over the top. Kalisto goes after him with a tope, but Del Rio manages to enzuigiri him down off the top rope for two. A crisp snap suplex gets two, and Del Rio grounds him with a chinlock. Kalisto escapes, so Del Rio delivers a flying forearm for two, then tosses him out of the ring. He follows, but Kalisto manages a rana out there, only to have a headscissors on the way back in get countered with a vicious double-kneeling facebuster for two. Ouch. Back to the outside, Del Rio throws him into the rail, then right back in. He goes for the mask, but Kalisto fights him off, and hits a flying seated senton for two. He tries a springboard, but Del Rio dodges, and superkicks him for two. Another enzuigiri, but Kalisto ducks it, and hits a flying tornado DDT for two. Kalisto is energetic, but his stuff is so glaringly choreographed. He starts making a comeback, but takes an inverted superplex. Del Rio tries to rip the mask off again, but takes a chincrusher, and Kalisto hooks a sloppy cradle (that was meant to be sunset flip) for two. They did a good job masking that botch. Del Rio tries his flying double-stomp, but misses, and Kalisto hits the Salida del Sol - only for Alberto to make the ropes at two. He tries again, but the champ tosses him to the floor to stop the effort, so Kalisto settles for a springboard bodypress - only to run into a dropkick. That looked like he was trying for a double-knee there, but the timing was off. Del Rio exposes the top turnbuckle, but gets reversed into it, and Kalisto hits Salida del Sol to win his second US Title at 11:30. The work was crisp and fluid for the most part, but there was a lot of in-out-in-out of the ring, which hurt the flow of the match a lot, not to mention a few glaring botches. * ½

WWE Diva's Title Match: Charlotte v Becky Lynch: Charlotte tries using her height advantage to her... advantage... early on, but Beck takes her down in a waistlock. Charlotte avoids an armbar by grabbing the ropes, and shoulderblocks her challenger down for two. Becky responds in kind, and adds several armdrags into an armbar, but Charlotte escapes with a drop-toehold. Figure Eight, but Becky blocks, so Charlotte tries a crossface, but Becky dumps her to the floor to block. Becky goes out after her with a clothesline, but papa Ric steps in by forcing a kiss on her. Wow, I know he's from a different time and all, but that's just a lawsuit waiting to happen. The distraction of being molested allows Charlotte to attack, and she hits an exploder suplex on the way back in for two. Bodyslam, but Becky counters with a schoolgirl for two, so Charlotte throws a (sloppy) dropkick for two to cut her off. Charlotte traps her on the mat with a headscissors into her sexy pushup facebusters, but Becky uses an electric chair to escape. She whips Charlotte into the corner for a rebound clothesline, and a leg lariat sets up a stinger splash. Exploder suplex out of the corner, but Charlotte blocks, and hits a neckbreaker to setup the Figure Eight (because it targets the neck... somehow?), but Becky reverses - Charlotte countering with an inside cradle for two! Backslide, but Becky blocks, and gets the exploder suplex for two. Seated dropkick sets up a legdrop, and another exploder suplex is worth two. That whole sequence looked awkward - as goes a lot of this match. Dis-Arm-Her, but Charlotte counters with a spear for two. Superplex, but Becky counters into a cross-armbreaker, but Charlotte powers to a vertical base, and uses a powerbomb to escape, getting two out of it. Baseball slide misses and hits daddy, however, allowing Becky a schoolgirl for two. Dis-Arm-Her applied, so Ric throws his jacket at her as a distraction, and Charlotte spears her to retain at 11:41. Who throws a jacket? Honestly! Well, it's still better than a shoe, I guess. Afterwards, Sasha Banks shows up, and kicks the shit out of both girls. The match wasn't terrible, but was awkward, and they stumbled a lot. *

Main Event: WWE World Heavyweight Title Royal Rumble Match: Ninety second intervals. WWE World Heavyweight Champion Roman Reigns gets #1, and Rusev draws #2. Roman controls a big slugfest to start, but can't execute a Samoan drop, and Rusev spinheel kicks him. He tries for an elimination, but Reigns fights him off with headbutts, and hits a spear on his way to tossing Rusev. #3 is AJ Styles, which is a weird choice to put in against the guy you're trying to get the crowd behind. Like, why not feed him a couple of jobbers first? AJ does an extended entrance, but walks into a Samoan drop before he can get anything in. The entrance took so long that it's already time for the #4 entrant, Tyler Breeze. Glad they put on a little on screen graphic with their names, because I had no idea who this clown is. I like his pants, though. He actually tries to eliminate Roman, which is a laugh. Styles destroys him and tosses him in short order. #5 is Curtis Axel, and he goes right for Reigns. Man, I really hate this Social Outcasts stable. I mean, they're outcasts for a reason. Styles dispatches of Axel in short order as well. #6 is Chris Jericho, and we have a triangle stare down. Reigns appears to be blown up already, which is not a good sign. Chris gets into it with AJ, and counters the Styles Clash into the Walls, but Roman saves. #7 is Kane. That's it, I have nothing to add to that. #8 is Goldust. Jericho, Kane, Goldust... you know what this means, right? My time machine works! He bulldogs Kane, as Jericho snap suplexes AJ, and Reigns just kinda sits around. #9 is Ryback. Not a lot going on here, as everyone just kinda lays on the ropes teasing eliminations. #10 is Kofi Kingston. Well, I love me some New Day, so that's always a plus. He goes for Jericho, but Reigns saves. Stop saving people, asshole! Do you not get the concept of this match, or what you have on the line? Ryback backdrops AJ to the heavens, as #11 draw Titus O'Neil joins the party. Backbreakers galore, and he backdrops Goldust out before getting beat-up by Kane and Jericho. Attitude Era guys gotta stick together, bro. #12 is R-Truth, who brings a ladder into the ring with him. Again, I'm not so sure these guys fully understand the concept here. And, in fact, he doesn't, as he sets up the ladder, and climbs - apparently thinking this is a Money in the Bank match. It's pretty funny too, as he gets to the top of the ladder, and suddenly realizes there's nothing to grab, while everyone else looks at him like he's a moron. Kane does the honors of tossing him, and tries doing the same to Kofi, but he lands on Big E's shoulders. Ha, that's pretty awesome. He stays out there, as #13 draw Luke Harper makes his way down. As that's going on, suddenly Vince McMahon shows up with the League of Nations - pulling Reigns out of the ring (not over the top, though), and delivering a major beat down outside of the ring - including putting him through the announce table. Meanwhile, Stardust enters at #14, but no one cares, as the League is still beating on Reigns. You'd think Vince McMahon, of all people, would understand the concept of this match he's been promoting for nearly thirty years, but nope, as they just leave Reigns in the rubble of the broken table, and walk away - Roman still technically in the match. #15 is Big Show, which hopefully means some of this deadwood is going to get chopped. I mean, Kane and Big Show are in the same ring during a battle royal, it's gotta happen. Titus and Ryback say goodnight, as EMTs carry Reigns out of the arena - still not eliminated, mind you. #16 is Neville. It's kinda funny how guys just run past a dying Roman Reigns on their way into the ring, like they don't even see it. That's cold blooded, yo. Neville flies around for a bit before getting put down by Stardust, as Jericho knocks Kingston (and his popcorn!) off of Big E's shoulders with a springboard dropkick. Nice! #17 is Braun Strowman, and he blitzes everyone. He tosses Kane before getting into a stare down with Big Show, and he wins a slugfest against our resident kitchen utensil, on his way to eliminating him. Wow, Kane and Big Show, they must have a lot of confidence in this guy. And you may love him now, but just you wait and see how you feel when it's 2036, and he's still on RAW. #18 is Kevin Owens, still selling the damage from earlier on, because he's awesome. He tosses Styles out, as #19 draw Dean Ambrose enters - also still selling from earlier. He gets right back into it with Owens, of course. Lots of punch-kick stuff going on, as we rewatch highlights of the Reigns beat down from earlier, to remind us all that he's technically still in the match, even though he's not technically in the arena. Technically. #20 is Sami Zayn, and he tosses old rival Owens. Why is he dressed like Bob Holly, circa 1995? Erick Rowan is #21. I'm not a big fan of the Wyatt Family, but I was at RAW the night after this show, and their entrance is a really cool bit of crowd interaction. Plus, it looks like that scene from Half Blood Prince where everyone lights up their wands in tribute to the fallen Dumbledore. The three Wyatt's in the ring clean house, as Mark Henry joins the fray at #22, but gets tossed in thirty seconds. Well, that's an easy paycheck. Bye bye Sami as well. #23 is Brock Lesnar, hell yeah! He takes the Family to suplex city, and Rowan is gone! #24 is Jack Swagger, who stupidly goes for Brock, and eats an F5 before getting unceremoniously tossed. Well, you mess with the bull, and all that. Brock continues to suplex everything in sight, pretty much single handedly saving this match right now. The Miz is #25, and you can practically smell the apathy. He's so eager to get his hands on Brock that he goes to the commentary desk and grabs a headset instead. For those keeping track, we've got one guy backstage somewhere, one guy at the commentary desk, and zero referee's giving any fucks. Brock knocks Harper out as #26 draw Alberto Del Rio enters. He eats some suplexes too. Brock manages to knocks Strowman out after a series of clotheslines, and the smirk Lesnar delivers upon doing so is worth everything they're paying him. #27 is Bray Wyatt, but all the eliminated Wyatt's are back with him. They all gang up on Brock, and again, the referee's aren't even pretending to care! Back in the day, they may have not had any real power either, but man, they sure got red in the face trying to restore order. Now, you've got three eliminated guys doing a beat down on a still legal competitor, and they can barely be bothered to look up. See, this is what happens when you have porn on cell phones now. The Wyatt's gang up and dump Brock, as #28 entry Dolph Ziggler joins the fray with a fameasser on Jericho. Jericho's still in there? Dear lord! With Brock gone, Miz finally leaves the commentary desk, and gives Ziggler a Skull Crushing Finale. #29 is Sheamus, in what you'd have to assume is some sort of reverse affirmative action at work. He gets half way down the aisle, but here comes Roman Reigns! After a half hour break! What a hero! He dumps Del Rio out, and Superman Punches Bray. Everyone just sort of stops and stand around as they wait for the final entrant, and #30 is Triple H to round out the field! Given how depleted the roster is right now, and how many of the top guys are injured, you really can't blame them for throwing Triple H out there. Ziggler eats a Pedigree as a message to Reigns, but Roman responds by Spearing Wyatt. They finally get into it with a slugfest, and HHH hits a kneeling facebuster. Pedigree, but Reigns counters with a Samoan drop, but here's Sheamus to save. That leads to a sequence with everyone throwing finishers, and HHH teasing an elimination to Dolph Ziggler. Uh, yeah right. Jericho finally gets tossed by Dean, and we're down to Roman Reigns, Dean Ambrose, Sheamus, and Triple H as the final four. Roman Superman Punches HHH as Sheamus Brogue Kick's Ambrose. Second one misses, however, and Reigns Superman's Sheamus out - only for HHH to rush up from behind and dump our hero! Oh nos! The crowd seems more interested in Ambrose anyway. Dean controls a slugfest, but runs into a kneeling facebuster, so he throws a rebound clothesline. The announcers keep selling this as 'who's going to the main event of WrestleMania?!?!' apparently having forgotten that the actual title is on the line here, not just a shot at it. Smooth. Dean comes close to dumping Hunter, but gets backdropped out at 61:42. Wow, Triple H as world champion at forty six? I guess when the chips are down, and they've got a hundred thousand seat stadium to fill in two months, they go with what (and who) they know. Desperate times, and all that. But then, Ric Flair was that same age in 1995, and he still had a lot left in the tank. This Rumble felt like it was booked by someone who really liked the '99 version, complete with guys doing commentary, or taking extended leaves of absence from the match. I really have no problem with Triple H as champion, but the booking of this made him feel more like a triumphant returning hero than a top heel. **

BUExperience: The only match really worth going out of your way to see here is the opener. The rest is all competent wrestling, but it’s a lackluster card, as with the World Heavyweight Title being decided in the Rumble, everything before it was mid-card level stuff

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