WWE Armageddon (December 2005)

Original Airdate: December 18, 2005

From Providence, Rhode Island; Your Hosts are Michael Cole and Tazz

Opening Match: John Bradshaw Layfield v Matt Hardy: Hardy attacks before the bell, and knocks the larger Layfield to the floor for a few rams into the apron. Inside, Matt tries hammering him, but Bradshaw throws him into the ropes - Matt getting his head caught in them, Foley-style. That looked foolishly dangerous. Back to the floor, this time Bradshaw is the aggressor - short-clotheslining Matty out there. In, Bradshaw drops a series of six elbows, as the WWE goes into replay overdrive - replaying every little thing, no matter how mundane. Hardy strikes back with a DDT for two, but Bradshaw puts him down again with a shoulderblock, then adds a seated big boot. Side superplex, but Matt counters with a flying moonsault press for two, so Bradshaw removes a top turnbuckle pad, and whips him into it. Clothesline from Wall Street finishes at 6:45. Felt like it never really got going. Bad opener. ½*

MNM v The Mexicools: Ugh, those lawnmowers. Joey Mercury starts with Psicosis, and it goes nowhere. Tag to Johnny Nitro, and Psicosis starts throwing him around with armdrags, and a spinheel kick knocks Nitro to the floor - Psicosis diving out after him with a corkscrew plancha. Super Crazy adds his own dive onto both MNM guys for a dog pile, but Melina crotches Psicosis on the top as they re-enter, and MNM cut the ring in half on him. Psicosis manages to nail Mercury with an enzuigiri to get the tag, and Crazy goes... well... crazy. Brawl breaks out between the teams, and Crazy eats the Snapshot at 8:56. Paint-by-numbers stuff here. *

WWE United States Title Best of Seven Series Match: Booker T v Chris Benoit: This is the fourth match in a best of seven series between the two for the vacant US Title - Booker up three-to-nothing going in. Booker's a black guy wearing white tights, and Benoit's a white guy wearing black tights. And, oddly enough, despite both being in WCW during the bulk of the angle, neither ever joined the nWo. Feeling out process to start, until Booker throws a Harlem sidekick, and Benoit responds by unleashing some bombastic chops to knock Booker to the floor. Like, OUCH, he looked like he was trying to chop down a fucking redwood using only his hand there. Back in, they trade hammerlocks on the mat, and Chris gets the best of it - Booker bailing back to the floor to regroup. Benoit manages a corkscrew legwhip on the way back in, but Booker blocks the sharpshooter, so Benoit legwhips him again, and starts going to work on the knee. Booker fights back with a vertical suplex for two, but another one is countered with a release German suplex for two. Benoit adds a bodyslam to setup an elbowdrop, but Booker dodges, and forward suplexes Chris across the top rope before kneeing him to the floor. Booker follows him out to trade chops, but that doesn't go very well for him, so he sends the Crippler into the post instead. Booker with a snapmare on the way back in to setup a seated dropkick, followed by a somersault cradle for two. Abdominal stretch, but Benoit escapes with a crisp hiptoss, and they charge each other for a double-knockout spot. Chris tries for the rolling German suplex, but only gets a single alarm off before Booker fights him off, so Chris changes gears with a well executed overhead suplex. Three-alarm rolling vertical suplex (a tribute to the recently deceased Eddie Guerrero, I'd assume) gets two, and he grabs the disoriented Booker for a proper three-alarm rolling German. Flying headbutt, so Booker tries countering with a superplex, but they botch what looked like it was supposed to be a Benoit counter, and cover up by having Booker missile dropkick him for two. That was ugly. Booker with the axekick for two, but the BookEnd is countered into the Crippler Crossface! Booker makes the ropes, so Chris punishes him with another three-alarm rolling German suplex, and this time he's able to follow-up with the flying headbutt for a dramatic two. The referee goes down as Booker blocks another Crossface, and Benoit manages the sharpshooter in the chaos. That draws Sharmell in with a broom to save, but Chris doesn't take that well, and has a murderous look in his eyes. Man, what an actor! I really believed he wanted to kill that woman right there. Booker attacks, but Benoit easily fights him off with the Crossface at 20:11. Decent, but it took forever to get going, and even once it did, it felt clumsy. Overall solid, but too long for what they brought to the table. ** ¼

Handicap Match: Bobby Lashley v William Regal and Paul Burchill: Burchill starts, but gets immediately overpowered, and tossed around. He tries wrestling him, but as literally anyone who has ever been in the ring with Bobby Lashley will tell you, it doesn't go well. Bobby continues to annihilate Burchill, so Regal throws a cheap shot in, and Paul is able to grab a chinlock. They work him over, but only to limited success, as Lashley keeps suplexing everything that moves. Lesnar/Lashley, WrestleMania 32. Book it! Not like the card could get any worse at this point. Actually, all things considered, I'm kinda surprised they haven't tried to bring him in by this point, what with all the injuries and roster depletions. Burchill eats the Dominator at 3:38. Really short, but they worked hard with the time allotted. ¾*

WWE Cruiserweight Title Match: Juventud v Kid Kash: Squint hard enough, and you'd swear you're watching a Juventud/Jericho match from an old Nitro here. Juventud attacks before the bell, and absolutely BLASTS him with a dropkick. Nasty! Headscissors takedown and a pair of clotheslines setup a rana for two, and Juventud grounds him with an armbar. Kash escapes, but gets backdropped to the floor, and Juventud follows with a plancha. Kid manages to reverse a shot into the post to take control out there, and he adds a couple more to the shoulder for good measure before bringing it in for a hammerlock-slam for two. Kash keeps working the shoulder, but a cool springboard flying moonsault misses, and Juventud starts making his comeback. Shining wizard gets two, and a rana off the top is worth two. Enzuigiri gets two, and the Juvi Driver is worth two. Flying somersault legdrop misses, however, and Kash puts him away with the Dead Level at 9:26. Solid little match, though Juventud completely forgot the shoulder injury once his comeback started. **

Batista and Rey Mysterio v Big Show and Kane: Batista and Mysterio are the WWE Tag Team Champions and Big Show and Kane are the World Tag Team Champions, but neither title is on the line here. Rey is rocking a weird mask/face paint combo tonight, which is an odd look to say the least. Batista starts with Show, and man, it's not everyday you get to look at Batista being dwarfed. Big Show really IS impressively large. He tosses Batista around in the early going, so Batista starts throwing shoulderblocks to knock the giant down for some mounted punches. Show fights back with the Chokeslam, but Batista blocks, so Show superkicks him down instead. Tag to Kane, but he has less success, as Batista vertical suplexes him for two. Kane fires back with a sidewalk slam, but gets slammed off the top rope as he tries to follow-up, and Rey gets the tag. Baseball sliding legdrop gets two, and a standing moonsault is worth two. Ten-punch count and a 2^nd rope axehandle stagger Kane, and a springboard dropkick puts him on the floor - where Batista is waiting with a clothesline! Back in, Rey dropkicks him to setup the 619, but Show pulls Mysterio out of the ring to stop the effort, then runs him into the post out there. He casually press-slams him back into the ring for Kane to begin cutting the ring in half on. Mysterio manages to counter a chokeslam from Kane with a stunner, but Show cuts the tag off, so Batista just comes in anyway. Well, that's one way to skin a cat. Also, the way Shawn Michaels and Ricky Steamboat do it. Batista brings the heat with power stuff to put Show on the outside, and Rey 619s Kane - only to run into a chokeslam as he tries a springboard follow-up at 8:39. Good and well paced formula tag match from these four. ** ¾

Main Event: Hell in a Cell Match: The Undertaker v Randy Orton: We still have a lot of airtime left, so settle in, because we're probably going to be here for a while. Randy runs away as the bell sounds, but manages a hiptoss to setup a dropkick for two. Backdrop sets up the RKO, but Undertaker uses a big boot to block, and he tosses Randy over the top. Orton keeps running, but Undertaker stalks after him, and unloads once he catches up to him. Then repeat that about a dozen times, and we've summed up the first seven minutes nicely. Like, seriously, nothing else happens. Orton blades as they brawl on the floor, and Undertaker chokes him with a chain. I'm really not skimping on any play-by-play here, there just isn't much going on besides punch-kick-punch-choke. Randy finally starts coming back by dropkicking Undertaker off the apron, and he hammers away with rights against the cell wall. He bashes Undertaker with the steps to draw blood, and he gets in some of his own choking with the chain. Chairshot gets two, but Undertaker slugs him off, and tries a ropewalk elbowdrop - which misses. Orton brings a table into the ring, and I feel the need to note that we're twenty minutes into this contest, and I think I wrote more about the eight minute tag match that preceded this. Nothing happens with the table for now, and they go back out to the floor for another brawl - papa Bob Orton trying to help from outside of the cell, but getting headbutted to draw blood. That one is, of course, rather infamous, as Cowboy Bob has hepatitis C, and is now bleeding, which ain't good. Into the ring, Undertaker hits the jumping clothesline and the ropewalk forearm to setup a reverse STO for two. Big boot and a legdrop get two, and a chokeslam is worth two. The announcers are working hard to sell the brutality of this one, but really, there's nothing particularly intense going on, outside of the double bladejob. Undertaker tries another big boot, but it misses, and Orton hits him with the chain. That's enough to lay Undertaker out on the table from earlier, and Orton puts him through it with a flying splash. That looked really awkward, as the cell ceiling prevented him from properly diving. It gets two anyway. Ten-punch count is countered with the Last Ride, but Randy blocks, and the referee goes down - doing a bladejob of his own. Wow, four blade jobs in a two person match - that's got to be a record of some kind. Undertaker tries salvaging with the chokeslam, but Randy counters with the RKO - no referee to count. As they open the door to bring a new referee in, Bob Orton sneaks in as well - just in time to watch Undertaker make his comeback. Well executed Last Ride gets two when Bob takes the referee out, so Undertaker stops to kick his ass as well. Tombstone for Randy, but he reverses - a third referee counting two. Yeah, no one was buying that as the finish anyway. Bob runs in with the urn to try and save again, but Undertaker kicks it away from him, then blasts Randy with it for good measures. Tombstones for both father and son, and we're done at 30:30. Kinda goes without saying, but this was really long. And 'really long' matches are fine when they're also 'really good,' but this was a lot of the former, and not much of the latter. Like, it was all plodding punch-kick stuff for the first twenty minutes, before turning into the usual main event signature-move-referee-bump bonanza. ¾*

BUExperience: Bad show, with nothing cracking three-stars, zero historical significance, and a shitty main event

DUD