WWE New Year's Revolution (January 2006)

Original Airdate: January 8, 2006

From Albany, New York; Your Hosts are Joey Styles and Jonathan Coachman

Opening WWE Intercontinental Title Match: Ric Flair v Edge: Edge attacks while Flair wastes time strutting around, and he backdrops the champion. Both guys are wearing the same color scheme tonight, which is a pet peeve of mine. Unless it's like Bash '88, where Flair and Luger are wearing the same colors, but inverse versions. Anyway, Ric comes back with a backdrop of his own, but runs into interference from Lita, and gets vertical suplexed on the floor. Back in, a cross corner whip sets up a clothesline, and Edge snapmares him over for a dragon sleeper. They look like they're having trouble finding their groove here. Ten-punch count is countered with an inverted atomic drop, so Edge throws a dropkick, then clotheslines the champion over the top. Edge's undergarments have started whale-tailing, and he's chosen an ultra manly light purple thong from the Scott Steiner collection tonight. Guess couples who are together for long enough really DO start to look alike. Back in, Flair manages a flying tomahawk chop for two, and he clips the knee. Kneebreaker sets up the Figure Four, so Lita distracts him - Flair responding by sexually harassing her, and then putting her into the Figure Four instead. Is it really any wonder that he's been married four times? Edge breaks that up with his trusty Money in the Bank briefcase to draw both a disqualification and yet another gory Flair pay per view bladejob at 7:17. Never really found its groove. ¾*

WWE Women's Title Match: Trish Stratus v Mickie James: Mickie is positively giddy at the prospect of being in the ring with her hero, though the feeling is not mutual. Trish works a wristlock for two, but James grabs a side-headlock. She shifts into a hammerlock (in, perhaps, the least smooth transition I have ever seen), so Stratus counters to a headlock of her own - only to realize that James is a bit TOO excited to have her face pressed up against Trish's dirty pillows. They trade more hammerlocks, and Trish tries a fireman's (firewoman's?) carry, but James counters to a cradle for two. She tries a rana next, but they botch it so badly that Trish ends up getting two off of it, then falling out of the ring. That was ugly. Back in, Mickie shoulderblocks her down, but gets cocky (clity?), and decked. Stratus tries the handstand rana, but gets countered with a tornado DDT - which she blocks, and bicycle kicks Mickie out of the ring. That entire sequence was embarrassing. Like, if you're botching hammerlock reversals, is it really wise to try complex sequences like that? Points for effort, I guess. Trish with a Thesz (Lez?) press, and another try at the handstand rana goes a lot better. Spinebuster gets two, but Mickie is able to hit her own version of the Stratusfaction for two. Trish with her own version, but Mickie counters with her own Chick Kick - only to get reversed by the champion at 7:19. They worked really hard and did a good job telling the story they needed to get across, but the actual ring work was embarrassing at points. ¾*

Jerry Lawler v Gregory Helms: Helms controls with some basic stuff to start, but walks into some punches, and the King hiptosses him to setup a fistdrop. Backdrop gets two, and he tosses Gregory to the outside. Back in, Helms snapmares him to setup a legdrop for two, and a sidewalk slam is worth two. Helms with a series of three vertical suplexes for two, and he grounds the King in a headvise. Helms snapmares him again for two, then grabs a chinlock. Backbreaker and a clothesline send Jerry to the floor for a whip into the post, then back in, Helms hits a 2^nd rope dropkick for two. Lawler dodges a charge in the corner and pulls down the strap as he starts making his royal comeback. Piledriver looks to finish, but Helms backdrops him to counter - only to get knocked off the top rope as he goes up, and hit with a 2^nd rope fistdrop at 9:33. This one was straight out of the 70s, with near falls off snapmares, and such. Not unwatchable, but far too long for what it was. *

Triple H v Big Show: Show's fist is in a cast for this, and HHH is hesitant to get started, since it's basically a weapon. Well, he's not wrong! This results in lots of stalling to start, though all the running is probably for the best, since Hunter's looking downright flabby tonight. Guess that's why he got programmed with Show - like a semi-cute but chubby girl who surrounds herself with butt-ugly fat friends. Show catches up with him on the outside for a headbutt, but a punch into the post misses - the cast covered hand meeting the steel. Inside, HHH goes to work on the cast, eventually pulling it off. 2^nd rope knee to the hand sets up a kneedrop to the hand, and Hunter grabs an overhead wristlock. Another 2^nd rope knee gets blocked, however, and Show sidewalk slams him. A couple of avalanches setup the Chokeslam - but the hand gives out as he tries it. Why even try? Your hand was covered in a cast, and Triple H spent ten minutes beating on it. Wiping your ass should be next to impossible, let alone attempting to dead lift a three hundred pound guy. Anyway, the referee goes down so Hunter grabs his sledgehammer, but Show breaks it in half, and whips HHH into the steps. He tries a Chokeslam using the other hand (the left, for those who don't know), but Hunter bashes him with the remnants of the hammer, and executes a Pedigree - the bumped referee miraculously coming back to life JUST in time to count at 16:13. Big Show is hit-or-miss enough under the best of circumstances, who thought it would be a good idea to take away the use of his right hand, and then send him out there for sixteen minutes to boot? *

Shelton Benjamin v Viscera: Viscera wearing literal pajamas to the ring is always a nice touch, and really speaks to the quality of his ring work. Also, who ever would have thought fucking MABEL would still be working regularly in the WWE over ten years after headlining SummerSlam in 1995? Shelton tries using his wrestling skill to control, but Viscera keeps overpowering him, as fans head for the concession stands in droves. Viscera with a spinebuster to send Shelton to the outside, but Momma Benjamin is there for him. For the record, I'm officially a 'mama' guy, but the character is officially 'momma.' Back in, Shelton peppers Viscera with kicks, and a flying clothesline takes him down for two. Viscera fires back with a Samoan drop, and makes his comeback with a series of clotheslines and a bodyslam. Elbowdrop gets two, and a scrapbuster sets up a literal spanking, which is immediately followed with some dry humping. I wish I were kidding. Momma has seen ENOUGH (as we all have) and whacks Viscera with her purse, however, and Shelton spinkicks him for the pin at 7:50. There was nothing about this that was good. ½*

Bra-and-Panties Match: Maria v Candice Michelle: This the first round of a gauntlet match. Candice tries to sucker her with a cheap shot, but Maria is wise to the trick, and hiptosses her. She goes for the top, but can't get it off, and Candice kicks her in the brain to setup an ugly bodyslam followed by some equally ugly stomps. That's enough to get Maria's top off, but Candice runs into a drop-toehold, and Maria tears her top off. Candice responds with a short-clothesline and some choking, then gingerly chases her into the corner for a headscissors - only to get pantsed at 2:08. DUD, but at least now I know what it would be like to do play-by-play for porn

Bra-and-Panties Match: Maria v Torrie Wilson: Maria is still battered from that absolutely grueling two minute match, and Torrie is able to kick her down. They trade pants removal attempts, and Torrie hits an ugly handspring elbow, but gets kicked out of the ring for a baseball slide. Back in, Maria strips her of her top, so Torrie resorts to choking. That leads to the classic 'roll over the horny referee spot,' and as Torrie objects to it (because THAT part of this is what's degrading to women?) Maria pulls her pants off at 2:51. DUD

Bra-and-Panties Match: Maria v Victoria: Victoria's t-shirt reads 'Let's Get This Over With.' Heh. Who wears a Steve Austin knee brace to a strip show? Victoria goes for the kill, and destroys Maria with a bodyslam to setup a standing moonsault before taking her pants down at 1:14. DUD

Bra-and-Panties Match: Victoria v Ashley Massaro: Wait, but first, here's Mae Young and the Fabulous Moolah to interrupt the fun, as Mae wants to strip down too. And does. Victoria objects (thus turning her full babyface, in my view) and attacks Mae, but gets beat down, and stripped of her top. Meanwhile, Ashley still hasn't even come out, mind you. She finally shows up, but despite having the advantage of Victoria being on the receiving end of an old lady ass kicking, gets attacked. Powerbomb gets countered with pantsing, however at 4:47. And then afterwards, Ashley strips down as well, since why not? DUD

Main Event: WWE Title Elimination Chamber Match: John Cena v Kurt Angle v Shawn Michaels v Kane v Chris Masters v Carlito: Well, the ratio of good:bad wrestlers bodes well for this one. Cena starts with Michaels, and hits a backdrop following a feeling out process, but gets dumped onto the platform. Both guys block trips into the chamber wall, and inside, Shawn keeps control with a series of chops. Shawn keeps hammering as they work a dull match for the remainder of the period, until Cena reverses a whip into the corner, and Carlito enters the match. He goes after Cena with a dropkick, then hits Shawn with a somersault senton on the platform. He slams Michaels off the top into the ring for two, then vertical suplexes him for two. Given how lackluster and uneventful that first period was, I'm surprised Carlito is getting this much offense in. Backdrop, but Michaels counters with an inside cradle for two, and Carlito finally gets overwhelmed fighting a two front war in the corner, and hit with a tandem-flapjack to give the champion two. The period ends, bringing Angle into the match, and he starts suplexing everything in sight! Tremendous energy from Angle here - it is truly Suplex City! He then ups the ante by suplexing Shawn and Carlito over the top onto the platform (and nearly injuring both guys in the process), then sends Michaels into the chamber wall with a slingshot to draw our first bladejob. Kurt has brought this match to life here. He keeps after Shawn with a toss into one of the pods, then stops to release overhead suplex Cena. Olympic Slam for Carlito, but it's blocked, so Kurt shifts to the Anklelock instead. That's what you get, bitch. Somehow Carlito doesn't tap, which is nothing short of a miracle, given his position on the totem pole of this match. Chris Masters enters next, and blitzes everyone with clotheslines. Powerslam for Cena. Press-slam for Michaels. Master-Lock for Angle - but Kurt counters to the Anklelock. Cena breaks it up with the FU, but Kurt counters that into an Anklelock as well - only to eat a Superkick at 13:59. Maybe next time let John tap first? 90s Shawn wouldn't need to be told that. The match drastically slows down now, as Carlito slugs it out with Shawn on one side of the ring, while Masters does the same with Cena on the other. All punch-kick stuff here, until the period ends and Kane joins the fray. He blitzes everyone with big boots, and sidewalk slams Carlito. This may be the first time in history that Kane entering a match has actually livened things up! You are witnessing HISTORY here, ladies and gentlemen! Kane flying clotheslines Chris and delivers chokeslams to both Shawn and Cena. He tries to add one for Carlito as well, but gets caught in the Master-Lock! Carlito and Chris double-up on Kane, and Masters slams Carlito onto him for a dog pile pin at 19:27. Masters and Carlito continue their alliance to go after Shawn and John (Puff Daddy's favorite tag team!), but Shawn manages to make his comeback - spreading out his usual over both guys. He adds Cena into the rotation with a bodyslam to setup a flying elbowdrop, and the Superkick hits, but Carlito and Masters prevent a pin, and Carlito hits an inverted-facelock spinning DDT on Shawn at 23:36. Masters immediately covers Cena to try and score the pin off the Superkick, but it only gets two. And with Cena alone against these two goobers, here comes the usual Hogan-formula from the 80s, as he fights them both off. FU for Carlito, but Masters saves, and DDTs John on the platform to bust him open. The Twin Flowers work the Johnster over with a tandem vertical suplex and a tandem side superplex, and Chris applies the Master-Lock - only for Carlito to turn on him with a low blow, and schoolboy him at 28:17. Unfortunately for him, he gloats, and Cena is able to grab his own schoolboy to retain at 28:24. A bit inconsistent, but a generally strong Chamber match here - even if it didn't really do much with the gimmick. ***

WWE Title Match: John Cena v Edge: Yep, so with Cena down and bloodied after a thirty minute match, Edge decides to cash in his Money in the Bank briefcase for a title match, right here right now. And since this is the first ever cash-in, Vince McMahon actually has to come out and explain what's happening, since the whole 'run down and desperately hand the referee the case' trope hadn't been established yet. John is barely standing as the bell sounds, and Edge goes right for him - pounding him down for a pair of two counts. Spear only gets two, making the crowd believe Cena can still pull it off. Another Spear kills him dead for real at 1:46 though. This is notable for being the first ever (and one of the more memorable) cash ins, and it certainly set the tone for all future attempts to come over the years. A great and exciting way to end the show. ¼*

BUExperience: A really lackluster show that’s made memorable by the Money in the Bank cash in at the end, along with a good Elimination Chamber main event. Not really worth checking out overall, but they manage to avoid leaving a bad taste in your mouth by finishing strong

DUD