WWE Royal Rumble (January 2006)

Original Airdate: January 29, 2006

From Miami, Florida; Your Hosts are Joey Styles, Jerry Lawler, Michael Cole, and Tazz

Opening WWE Cruiserweight Title Six-Way Match: Kid Kash v Gregory Helms v Funaki v Jamie Noble v Nunzio v Paul London: First fall wins. In typical Miami fashion, half the crowd hasn't bothered to arrive yet, resulting in tons of empty seats on the TV side. This is all six men in at the same time, with no tags necessary, so it basically looks like a miniature Rumble match itself. Everyone trades off in fast and furious fashion with little rhyme or reason, until a dog pile sequence on the floor ends in London as the last man standing. He dives out onto the other five with a crazy shooting star press that somehow misses all five targets (though it was meant to hit), and Helms delivers a swinging neckbreaker off the top on Paul. Kash gives London the Dead Level for two when the others save, and everyone goes back to trading off - now upping the ante to signature moves. The end result being Helms hitting Funaki with a shining wizard at 7:42. Too many bodies in the ring to work a match with any sort of flow. ¾*

Mickie James v Ashley Massaro: Trish Stratus acts as the special guest referee for this one, borrowing Shawn Michaels' shorts from 2000. Wanna play 'Who Wore It Better?' They trade wristlocks to start, and Ashley hooks a magistral cradle for two. James bails to the floor, so Massaro goes after her with a flying clothesline off the apron. Back in, James hits a lariat to take control, and applies a half-crab. Ashley won't submit, so Mickie kicks her out of the ring, then drives her stomach first into the post. Considering how skinny Ashley is, she may have a cracked a rib there. Mickie adds a baseball slide before bringing it back in with a fisherman's suplex for two. Snapmare sets up a modified surfboard, but Ashley fights her off, and tosses her around by the hair. Crucifix gets two (and a great view of Mickie's fat booty), but an awkward ten-punch is countered with a powerbomb at 7:46. Pretty girls rolling around in small outfits is always welcome, but it wasn't much as a wrestling match. ½*

John Bradshaw Layfield v The Boogeyman: The announcers note that the fans are 'standing in the aisles' for this, and they must be, because there are still loads of empty seats. Not that this show didn't draw, Miami fans are notoriously late, and then spend half the show at the snack bars. Bradshaw tries hiding behind Jillian Hall, and when Boogeyman takes that bait, John attacks. He unloads in the corner, but misses a charge, and Boogeyman hits a pumphandle-slam at 1:56. DUD

#1 Contender's Royal Rumble Match: Ninety second intervals this year. Triple H gets #1 and Rey Mysterio (arriving in a low rider in tribute to Eddie Guerrero) is #2. Rey uses his speed advantage to pepper HHH in the early going, and a springboard bodypress takes the Game down. Headscissors does so again, but he nearly gets tossed while trying a ten-punch. HHH dodges the 619 as Simon Dean gets #3, and he goes for Mysterio - Hunter hanging back to watch. Dean tries to make an alliance with him, but he's so cloying that HHH opts to make nice with Rey instead - the new buddies tossing Dean. The alliance doesn't last long, however, and Rey delivers a bronco buster in the corner as Psicosis enters at #4. He, too, goes for Rey. Psicosis actually manages to get the best of an altercation with HHH, but an attempt to crucifix powerbomb Mysterio over the top is countered with a rana to send Psicosis out. #5 is Ric Flair, and he goes right for Hunter, of course. He manages a backdrop before running into a kneeling facebuster, and getting tossed. #6 is Big Show, and I'm guessing this guy lasts the full period, at least. He also goes after HHH - though with decidedly more success than Flair had. #7 is Jonathan Coachman, but he gets dumped by Show almost immediately so Show can get back to his private war with HHH. Show Chokeslams him as #8 draw Bobby Lashley enters, giving us a big showdown with the giant. Show tries the Chokeslam, but Bobby counters with a backdrop, then kicks Show out of the ring - though not over the top. #9 is Kane, giving us another showdown for Lashley. Bobby manages to give him a Dominator and give HHH a press-slam as Sylvan enters at #10. He tries to form an alliance with Lashley, but quickly betrays him, and gets just as quickly tossed. Unfortunately for him, that allows both Show and Kane to recover, and they toss Bobby following a tandem chokeslam. Man, Mysterio hasn't done anything in forever, has he? Show and Kane slug it out, so HHH capitalizes by pushing both men over the top – leaving him alone with Rey again. That is, only for a moment though, as Carlito is #11. He gets the best of both worn down guys, until #12 draw Chris Benoit joins the party. Chops for everyone! He absolutely LAUNCHES Mysterio with a release German suplex, then gives Hunter and Carlito their own. Crippler Crossface for Carlito, but HHH saves. Why bother? It's kind of ironic that Benoit, of all people, has injected life into this match. He blocks a superplex from HHH and hits him with the flying headbutt, as Booker T draws lucky #13. Looks like Booker switched back to the long tights when I wasn't looking. Better look on him. He goes right for Benoit, but gets tossed. #14 is Joey Mercury, and he gets to join the German suplex club as well. Nice that Benoit didn't let him feel left out. Guess the guy wasn't ALL bad. #15 is Tatanka (yes, THAT Tatanka), a full ten years since we last saw him in the promotion. Carlito's dumbfounded reaction is pretty great. Much chopping occurs. #16 is Johnny Nitro, and he saves Joey from a Tatanka beat down - by taking it himself! Man, they're really going all out to make Tatanka look like a beast here. There's nothing wrong with using old timers to fill spots in the Rumble, but not at the expense of current talent. And especially someone like Tatanka, who was a career midcarder even in his prime. #17 is Trevor Murdoch and he goes for Tatanka, as Rey teases an elimination from HHH. Yes, Mysterio is still in there. He just hasn't done anything in what feels like forever. At least Roman Reigns had the decency to go to the back when he needed his Royal Rumble nap. Eugene is #18, and he slugs it out with Murdoch. #19 is Animal, though his gut reaches the ring a full six seconds before he does. HHH actually sells for him like a champ. Rob Van Dam is #20, and that's it for Animal. Well, this is a guy who was getting winded after two minutes in his prime, so that's understandable. #21 draw Orlando Jordan joins the party, and does nothing of note. I'm really, really hoping we get an RVD/Tatanka showdown here. Not for any real justifiable reason, it's just something I want to see. #22 is Chavo Guerrero, and I guess 'paying tribute to his uncle' translates to getting dumped by HHH in under a minute, because that's exactly what happens. #23 is Matt Hardy, and he beats up both MNM guys on his own. Such odd booking, as the first part of the match they couldn't keep more than two guys in the ring for longer than a minute, and now we've got way, way too much deadwood in there. Tatanka gets tossed to help ease the congestion, but is immediately replaced by Super Crazy at #24. And out of nearly fifteen guys in the ring (that's half the field!) only maybe three are potential winners. Speaking of potential winners, Shawn Michaels gets #25, and Murdoch is gone. #26 is Chris Masters, as Matt Hardy botches a skin-the-cat spot with HHH. #27 is Viscera, complete with his pajamas. They're purple tonight too, so I guess this show marks the return of both Tatanka AND Mabel! I guess they DO read my suggestion letters after all! #28 is Shelton Benjamin, as Benoit tosses Eugene out. Still far too many bodies in there - it's literally half the field. #29 is Goldust, and guys are having trouble getting off even the most basic of spots due to the congestion. Did someone fall asleep at the controls, or something? Pat Patterson would have never let this shit happen! And, finally, Randy Orton draws #30, to round the field out. Though, considering there are fifteen guys still in there, drawing the last number isn't quite the advantage it usually is. He tosses Benoit right away, which seems like an odd first choice from a booking perspective, given the JTTS currently in there. And now bodies suddenly start flying out in breakneck pace: Viscera, Masters, Goldust, Jordan - all gone within a minute. That clears the ring to a manageable number and give the guys some breathing room, at least. Shawn gets rid of MNM, and a Superkick sends Shelton home. That draws, a strutting Vince McMahon down the aisle (and he manages to avoid blowing out his quads this time, good for him!) - the distraction allowing Shane McMahon to sneak in and eliminate Michaels. RVD corkscrew kicks Carlito out, leaving us with Triple H, Rey Mysterio, Rob Van Dam, and Randy Orton as the final four. Good field. Rob and Rey form an alliance, but an attempt to Five Star Frogsplash Orton gets him pushed out by HHH. He and Randy decide to work together to finish off Mysterio, but the little guy manages to hit them with a double-619! That's a 1238! He gets HHH out to leave us with the second man in versus the last man in. Probably should have just booked Rey as number one instead of two there. Unfortunately for Mysterio, HHH is a sore loser, and he throws him into the steps before shoving off to the dressing rooms. Orton goes for the kill, but Rey manages a rana to send him over the top for the win at 62:15. Not the best of Rumbles. Lots of midcarders overstaying their welcome, a weak field, and tons of dead space. **

WWE Title Match: Edge v John Cena: I really dig the concept for the entrance set for this show, but it's too tall, and ruins the effect. Still, literally any deviation away from the standard sets are appreciated - especially today. Edge tries to blitz him, but Cena isn't having it, and destroys him. Edge bails to the floor and hides behind Lita (and her humungous cans) to allow him to Spear Cena into the steps, then follow up with a baseball slide that sends the challenger into the first row. Edge is perfectly content to let it end there and take the countout victory, but John beats the count in. Edge puts the boots to him, and a spinheel kick is worth two. Edge then grounds him with a waistlock, but Cena powers up, so the champ vertical suplexes him to cutoff any potential comeback. Standing dropkick knocks Cena to the floor for a hard whip into the steps, and Edge rolls him in for a missile dropkick that gets two. Jumping clothesline leads to a superplex, but John shoves him off and tries the flying legdrop - Edge rolling out of the way, and covering for two. A reversal in the corner positions Cena for the FU, but Edge counters with a rollup for two, then big boots him down to cutoff the comeback. Flying bodypress gets rolled through for two, so Edge tries grounding him with a sleeper, then finishing with the Spear - only to miss, and eat a DDT. John starts making his comeback, and the Five Knuckle Shuffle hits, but Lita distracts the referee to prevent a count. That allows Edge to attack, but Cena dodges, and he hits Lita instead. FU and the STF finish at 14:03. An okay-ish match, elevated by Edge's natural charisma as a heel. ** ¼

Main Event: World Heavyweight Title Match: Kurt Angle v Mark Henry: Battle of the 1996 Olympians! Black and gold tights for Angle tonight, which look badass. Kurt tries to out wrestle him to counters Mark's power, but ends up getting tossed out of the ring for his efforts. Back in, Henry splashes him for two, and it's bearhug time, since apparently three total moves are all it takes to wind Mark Henry. Kurt tries a 2^nd rope bodypress after escaping, but gets caught in a bodyslam - Angle able to counter to the Anklelock. Mark escapes, so Kurt tries the Olympic Slam, but Henry blocks. Front-powerslam, but Kurt counters with a release German suplex, then successfully executes the Olympic Slam for two. Anklelock, so Daivari hops up onto the apron, and the end result is the referee going down as Henry escapes the hold. Kurt responds by going after him with a chair on the floor, but an attempt to bring it in to use on Henry does not go as planned. Kurt regroups with a low blow instead to setup a pair of chair shots for two from the dazed referee. He exposes a turnbuckle to drive Henry into, and a schoolboy finishes at 9:30. And then, in the real reason this went on last, as The Undertaker shows up, does some Black Scorpion level hocus pocus, and makes the ring collapse with Angle standing in it. Well, if there was ever a city to run that particular stunt in, the drug capital of America is certainly it. *

BUExperience: Pretty definitively a 'thumbs down' kinda show here, with not much in the way of good wrestling, and a mundane Rumble match

DUD