WWE SummerSlam (August 2016)

Original Airdate: August 21, 2016

From Brooklyn, New York; Your Hosts are Michael Cole, Corey Graves, Byron Saxton, Mauro Ranallo, John Bradshaw Layfield, and David Otunga

Opening Match: Enzo & Cass v Chris Jericho and Kevin Owens: The heels jump little Enzo Amore before the bell, and the dust settles on he and Jericho. Chris vertical suplexes him to allow for some chops, but a criss cross ends in Enzo bodypressing him. Kneeling facebuster gets two, and he tags out to Big Cass - Jericho running into the arms of Owens. Cass doesn't back down - bringing Kevin in the hardway, and beating on him in the corner. He bodyslams Enzo onto him for two, but Amore runs into a knee, and Jericho gets the tag. Enzo manages to fight him off with a dropkick, however, and Cass ends up throwing Enzo out of the ring onto both heels. That was a reckless spot, and is going to result in an injury one day. Inside, Enzo keeps unloading on Jericho, but a distraction by Owens allows Chris a 2^nd rope dropkick for two. They've now managed to work LED screens into the fucking RINGPOSTS now, for those keeping score. The apron was bad enough, couldn't we leave the ring posts alone? Is nothing sacred anymore? What's next, the ropes? The heels take over and cut the ring in half on Enzo. Jericho looks like he's auditioning for the next Pirates of the Caribbean movie with that new goatee. Kevin misses the somersault bodyblock in the corner to allow the hot tag to Cass, and Roseanne Barr the door, we've got a kettle on! Finish comes when Owens catches Amore with a pop-up right into the Codebreaker from Jericho at 12:07. Off to a good start! I like Jericho and Owens as a team, though it's a better deal for Jericho than it is for Owens. ** ½

WWE Women's Title Match: Sasha Banks v Charlotte: Dana Brooke is banned from ringside for this. The belt looks absolutely enormous on little Sasha. I get that it's a branding thing, but there's a reason the girls have always had smaller belts since time immemorial. Charlotte gets cocky earlier on, but gets taken down in the Bank Statement - getting the ropes, but Sasha making her point. Charlotte hustles back in with a cradle for two, but the Figure Four gets countered with an inside cradle for two, and Banks smacks her with some chops. Nasty spot follows, as both girls fight on the top turnbuckle, resulting in Charlotte attempting some sort of modified fallaway slam off the top, but botching it - Sasha taking a nasty spill. It gets two, but the botches aren't finished yet - Charlotte trying a gory special, but dropping her on the lift. That results in an awkward bit where they fumble through a couple reversals, until Charlotte makes one of the biggest rookie no-no mistakes you can by repeating the spot. She gets it on nicely this time, at least. Backslide gets the challenger two, and a scrapbuster across the knee gets two. Superplex, but Sasha counters with a rana, countered back by Charlotte to the Figure Four - but blocked by the champion. Charlotte doesn't take that well, and hiptosses her right into a tree of woe. For all the botches earlier, the timing on that one was impeccable. Charlotte tries to bring her down with a trip to splash mountain off the top, but Sasha counters with a rana - earning a standing ovation from the crowd as they both look up at the lights. Slugfest on their knees goes Sasha's way, and she traps her challenger in a Boston crab on the ropes. Diving double kneedrop in the corner gets two, but Sasha runs into a boot on a charge, and Charlotte tries to get crazy with a superplex to the floor - only for Sasha to shove her to the outside, and dive with a flying double high knee. Inside, the Boss hooks an Oklahoma roll for two, but she's too hurt to hook the double-knee backbreaker. That allows Charlotte to attack with a somersault cutter, but Banks counters to the Statement! Charlotte manages to escape while Sasha fights to keep it away from the ropes, however, and she delivers a neckbreaker to setup the somersault cutter for two. Tilt-a-whirl, but Sasha counters back to the Statement again - only for Charlotte to counter into a cradle to win the title at 13:53. As we've learned since, apparently Sasha was working hurt, which is why they switched the title back so soon. This one got off to a rough start, but ended up getting really good once they found their groove. *** ¼

WWE Intercontinental Title Match: The Miz v Apollo Crews: Miz attacks at the bell, and kicks Crews down for two. Apollo dodges another kick with a schoolboy for two, but eats a DDT for two, and Miz grabs a reverse chinlock - as the announcers reminisce about all the great Intercontinental Title changes in the early days of SummerSlam. That's about the equivalent of holding a thick cucumber next to your dick in a Snapchat session. Miz tries a flying axehandle, but Apollo blocks with a dropkick - both guys selling like they've been out there for twenty minutes. What is this, 1999? Crews starts mounting a comeback with clotheslines and a bodypress, followed by an Olympic slam for two. Well, that is in season. Enzuigiri sets up a standing moonsault, but Miz uses the knees to block - Crews recovering with a forward-powerslam for two. Overhead suplex sets up another standing moonsault - this time sticking the landing for two. Meanwhile, the announcers continue to talk about the glory days of the title, mentioning how Pat Patterson won it in the same city as the Olympics are in. Hey, no less true than anything Ryan Lochte claimed happened in Rio. Apollo with a victory cradle for two, but he misses a stinger splash, and the Skull Crushing Finale retains at 5:42. Watchable. * ¾

John Cena v AJ Styles: Given how disappointing the Money in the Bank outing was, they've got their work cutout for them tonight. Feeling out process to start - which is something I like in general, but less so when the guys have met multiple times before. Styles gets cocky after hitting a dropkick, and whipped around in the corners, but he manages a vertical suplex on the apron - only to run into a backdrop on the way back in. He got some serious airtime on that one. It only gets two though, so John goes to a chinlock. AJ fights out, but runs into a dropkick for two, and Cena gives him a snap suplex. Slugfest leads to AJ tugging on Cena's shorts for balance, exposing his Calvins. I hope those were an wrap party present from Mark Wahlberg on Daddy's Home, at least. AJ gets the best of it and hits a seated forearm, but misses a stinger splash, and Cena runs through his usual comeback routine to setup the Five Knuckle Shuffle. FU, but Styles counters with the pele kick, and follows with the Clash for two. Like the feeling out processes, that all becomes less impressive when we've already seen it all before. Cena responds by giving him an FU anyway, but it only gets two. Another try off the top, but Styles counters with a spinout torture bomb for two. Clash, but Cena counters with a slingshot, and hits a cutter for two. FU, but Styles counters with a cradle for two, so Cena counters into the STF - only for AJ to counter with his own FU for two. Springboard 450 splash, but Cena dodges, and hits a sunsetbomb for two. FU, but Styles counters with a German suplex, which he then rolls into a wheelbarrow facebuster for two. Phenomenal, but Cena counters with the STF, so Styles counters with a crippler crossface. John manages to power to a vertical base in the hold to try and turn it into an FU, but Styles counters with the Calf Crusher. John manages to counter back to the original STF, but Styles is able to counter with a cradle for two, and follow-up with an enzuigiri. John fights back with a tornado DDT for two, and a flying rocker dropper is worth two. FU off the top, but Styles blocks and hits a springboard rana to setup the Phenomenal for two. Clash, but Cena counters with the FU, so AJ blocks by elbowing him in the head a few times - only to run into a clothesline. FU off the top FINALLY hits, but only gets two. That spot was nicely built to the whole match, and the near fall thus appropriately dramatic - the crowd losing their minds over it! Cena has an Ultimate Warrior WrestleMania VII moment, but recovers with another FU - only to have it countered with the Clash! Should've asked your hands, John-boy! Phenomenal finishes at 23:09. I know a lot of people thought this match was just spectacular, but it honestly left me a little cold. It's not that I thought it was bad, but it felt like big spot/rest/big spot/rest the whole time, and little more. Still, it was better than Money in the Bank was. *** ½

WWE Tag Team Title Match: The New Day v Luke Gallows and Karl Anderson: The champs have Jon Stewart in their corner tonight. Kofi Kingston starts with Karl Anderson, and Anderson uses his size advantage to control in the early going, but runs into a jumping backelbow during a criss cross. Tag to Xavier Woods for a tandem-bulldog for two, but Woods gets trapped in the wrong corner, and hammered by Luke Gallows. Xavier manages to recover by winning a criss cross with a dropkick to the knee, and the champs take turns stomping a mud hole on Gallows in their home corner. That was a fun sequence. They each hit a baseball slide to knock Luke to the floor for Kofi to hit with a dive, but a distraction by Anderson allows Gallows to roundhouse kick Kofi down off the top rope. The challengers cut the ring in half on Kingston, but Luke misses a splash, and Woods gets the hot tag. He's a band stand of fire, and Roseanne Barr the door! Magic Killer looks to finisher for the challengers, but Jon comes in to object. He tries to talk his way out of the resulting beating, but Big E runs out to make the save - obliterating Anderson and Gallows with slams on the outside, and getting the champs disqualified in the process at 9:08. This was fine, but the finish and involvement from Stewart really hurt it. **

WWE World Title Match: Dean Ambrose v Dolph Ziggler: They trade off on the mat to start, but Dean wants to get going, so he slaps him hard across the face. Ziggler responds with a barrage of cradles for two counts, and a dropkick puts Ambrose in the corner for a stinger splash. He manages to block the neckbreaker and bail, but Dolph is right on him with another stinger splash against the rail - this time hitting the neckbreaker out there as well. Inside, Ziggler tries a DDT, but gets dumped over the top to block, and Dean rams him into the steps a couple of times before bringing it back in. Ambrose with a double-underhook superplex for two, and a well executed bodyslam gets two. Yep, even bodyslams can be made into a near fall, with proper execution. Half-crab grounds the challenger, but Ziggler counters with a cradle for two, so Dean clotheslines him down. Vertical suplex gets two, as the announcers move on to reminiscing about all the great WWE Title matches at SummerSlam over the years, like they did with the IC title match earlier. Seriously guys, stop. Ambrose with a flying elbowsmash, but Ziggler counters with a dropkick. Superkick, but Ambrose counters with a belly-to-back facebuster. He tries his own superkick, but Ziggler dumps him to the floor to block, then catches him with a DDT for two as the champ hustles back in! Slugfest goes the champs way, and he schoolboys Dolph for two, but misses a charge in the corner. Oh no, I hope those LED posts weren't damaged! Ziggler capitalizes with the rocker dropper for two, and they work a double-knockout spot off of a short criss cross. Ambrose starts mounting a clothesline laden comeback, and hits a bulldog to setup the flying elbowsmash for two. Ziggler tries recovering with a sleeper, but Ambrose falls out of the ring in the hold to break - leaving both guys taking the count out there. Ziggler gets the best of it with a superkick on the outside, and he literally carries Ambrose back in to cover - but only gets two! Gotta appreciate the effort though. He's not 'having fun,' he's fucking trying to win! Another superkick is blocked, however, and Dean tries the Dirty Deeds, but Dolph counters with the Zig Zag for two! Dolph tries the sleeper again, but Ambrose fights out, and hits his challenger with the rebound clothesline. Dean climbs, but Ziggler pops up with a sitout facebuster off the top - only to get countered with the Dirty Deeds at 15:21. The ending sounded cool on paper, but fell kind of flat. Good match otherwise, that refreshingly bucked the usual main event formula for the most part. *** ½

Six-Woman Tag team Match: Becky Lynch, Naomi, and Carmella v Natalya, Alexa Bliss, and Nikki Bella: Bella is a surprise replacement for Eva Marie, who was suspended due to a Wellness Policy violation days before the show. Becky starts with Alexa, thus officially bringing the asscream for tonight's card. Lynch dominates, but Bliss manages to tag Nattie before it goes too far south. Unfortunately for her, she runs into Naomi's ass - literally. She doesn't have much better luck against Carmella either, and I feel like we're just a couple of weeks away from the return of Farting Nattie at the rate she's been going lately. A cheap shot from Alexa manages to turn the tide, and the heels cut the ring in half on Carmella. She finally manages to evade Nattie long enough to get the tag to Becky, and Roseanne Barr the door, we've got a kettle on! That should lead to the finish, but then they decide to cut the ring in half on Becky a bit, to allow the hot tag to Naomi. Oh, whatever, just get to it already! Finish finally comes as Nikki puts Carmella away with a TKO at 11:04. What happened to the Rack Attack? This really overstayed its welcome, and came off as amateurish at points. ¼*

WWE Universal Title No Holds Barred Match: Seth Rollins v Finn Balor: This is to crown the inaugural champion. Finn comes barreling out of the corner with a running dropkick to knock Seth to the floor right away, and he follows with a somersault plancha. In, Finn keeps after him with a dropkick to the knee, and he works the leg. Seth manages to sweep him at the edge of the ring for a trip to the outside, and Rollins delivers a vertical suplex out there, but gets caught with a springboard punch. He's like a combination of AJ Styles and Roman Reigns! Inside, Balor hits a dropkick to setup a surfboard, but Rollins blocks, so Finn just stomps on his knee instead. Hey, whatever works. Seth responds by taking him back to the floor for a powerbomb into the rail - Balor taking the bump with his arm extended, and legitimately injuring himself in the process. Say what you will about the dangers of that spot in general, but that injury wasn't on Seth. Balor took the bump totally wrong there. Inside, Seth slows things down with a chinlock, and a reverse STO into the buckles gets two. Snapmare sets up a kick to the neck, and a bodyslam sets up a kneedrop. Back to the chinlock, as the match sort of dies with Rollins' slow offense - perhaps to compensate for Balor's injury. Seth with a flying frogsplash for two, but a short-clothesline is countered with a floatover DDT. Sling blade hits, but a charge ends in Seth trying the Pedigree - only for Finn to escape and hit an enzuigiri. There are some serious flow issues with this one thus far. Lifting inverted DDT gets two, but the Coup de Grace misses, and Seth grabs a triangle choke. Balor quickly makes the ropes, but there's no disqualifications, so Rollins just ignores it. Finn drops his weight out of the ring to force the break, so Seth punishes him with a powerbomb into the turnbuckles and a superkick for two. High knee and a fisherman's buster get two, so Seth heads up, but Balor kicks him down to the floor to stop that effort. He follows with a running dropkick out there, then quickly brings him in for the Coup de Grace - for two! Another one misses, however, and Rollins capitalizes with the Pedigree for two! Phoenix splash looks to finish, but Balor dodges, and dropkicks him to setup the Coup - only to have Rollins pop up and superplex him! Pedigree, but Finn blocks, and dropkicks him yet again. And then he does it YET AGAIN! It's finally enough to setup the Coup, however, and that finishes at 19:23. That's an insane finisher. This was really disappointing overall, though it probably would have been better had Balor not gotten injured in the first few minutes. ** ½

WWE United States Title Match: Rusev v Roman Reigns: Unfortunately, no match, as Rusev jumps him before the bell ever sounds, and they brawl all around ringside until the officials can separate them, and send them both home. Too bad, since I was actually looking forward to this one. What an odd, TV-level booking choice.

Main Event: Brock Lesnar v Randy Orton: Given that there are less than fifteen minutes left on the Networks handy status bar, this should be relatively quick. Lots of squaring off to start, until Brock railroads him into the corner, and unloads. German suplex is blocked when Randy holds onto the top rope, and he throws a dropkick, but Brock easily shrugs off the RKO - then delivers a German suplex. And then five more, since that's what Brock does. Though, they look significantly less impressive than usual, as Orton seems to be made of lead tonight, and barely gets any air - especially on the first few. He finally bails to the floor after six consecutive suplexes, but that just annoys Brock, and he punishes him with forward-powerslam onto the announce table. Randy wisely bails into the crowd to try and put some distance between him and the beast, but Lesnar doesn't take that well - hiptossing him back over the rail, and through the table. Well, if nothing else, the brass at KFC certainly must have loved that sequence, since it got their logo some prominent screen time. And, if you're not performing to impress fast food chicken executives, well, you're not performing right. Back in, Lesnar gives him another German suplex, then decides to take it outside again for an F5 through another announce table, but Orton counters with an RKO instead - though the table fails to break. You'd think after nearly twenty years of ceaseless table spots, they'd have worked that kink out long ago. Randy catches him with the elevated DDT on the way back in, and another RKO gets two. Punt kick, but Brock counters with the F5 for two. That insolence just pisses Lesnar off, however, so he rips off his gloves and just starts THUMPING Orton with mounted blows - literally until Randy is a bloody mess. Well, he made his point. It's a nasty gash too, and a legit one. While it wasn't a shoot, to my knowledge there wasn't a blade involved either - Brock actually busting him open hardway, though with the consent of everyone involved. The 'why' is an entirely different story, however. So, with Orton absolutely GUSHING blood out of the top of his skull (if you haven't seen the Twitter pic of the injury taken backstage, it's nasty as fuck), EMTs run in to attend to him. But, Brock doesn't play that way, and starts beating on him again while they try cleaning him up! The crowd is all sorts of confused here, and I can't blame them. The official decision is Lesnar winning by TKO at 11:46. But the brutality doesn't stop there, as Brock just keeps hammering him and hammering him, until Shane McMahon comes down to try and talk some sense into him, and ends up eating an F5 for sticking his nose in. Not much to this one as a match, as it felt like they went right into wrestling the last ten minutes of a twenty minute bout, and the ending was radically different than anything we'd expected. And different is good, but the precedent of one guy busting another’s head open like a watermelon (he'll crush it, then eat it!) isn't necessarily something you want. * ½

BUExperience: While there are a couple of strong efforts on the undercard, the overall show fell flat. This isn’t like the old In Your House shows, where a single very good match is enough to carry things on its own. If you’re going to book four hour shows, it needs a little more than a couple of three-star level performances to carry it – either in the way of in-ring action, or something truly memorable happening angle-wise. The Network era is great because it affords them the creative freedom that the strict constraints of pay per view runtimes didn’t, but it’s important to remember that for every Apocalypse Now there’s a Heaven’s Gate

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