WWF Royal Rumble 1990 (Version II)

Original Airdate: January 21, 1990

From Orlando, Florida; Your Hosts are Tony Schiavone and Jesse Ventura

Opening Match: The Fabulous Rougeau Brothers v The Bushwhackers: Raymond Rougeau starts with Butch, and immediately tries a cheap shot, but that brings Luke in, and Ray ends up eating turnbuckle - while Butch ends up eating Raymond's ass. That about says it all, doesn't it? The Bushwhackers clean house with Battering Rams, and the dust settles on Jacques Rougeau (sporting an ill-advised beard) with Luke. I know this was the end of the line for the Rougeau's, but I'm surprised someone that has the reputation for being the detailed control freak that Vince McMahon does (try saying 'belt' or 'strap' around him), didn't force him to shave it off. Raymond looks like he forgot to shave his back as well. The Rougeau's have really let themselves go. Anyway, the Bushwhackers continue to control via comedy spots, until Luke runs into a cheap shot, and the Brothers cut the ring in half on him. A splash from Jacques ends up hitting the knees, however, and Butch gets the hot tag. He's an outhouse of fire, and Roseanne Barr the door, we've got a kettle on! Battering Ram finished Jacques off at 13:35. The Rougeau's tried, but it's the Bushwhackers, you know? It was energetic though, give it that. This actually served as the Rougeau's final outing as a team, with both brothers retiring - though Jacques would end up returning as the Mountie the following year. ¾* (Original rating: -½*)

Brutus Beefcake v The Genius: Great, more comedy shit. Not that there's anything wrong with a comedy match, but not two in a row to open a pay per view! Lots of stalling by Genius to start, with Beefcake getting to play off of his mannerisms. Genius rakes the eyes in the corner to take control, but Brutus escapes a ten-punch count with an inverted atomic drop. Genius, of course, bails after that. In, Genius unloads in the corner, but a cross corner dropkick misses, and Beefcake crotches him on the top rope when he tries to bail out again. You know, for a San Francisco barber dressed in pink see-through tights, Beefcake's lack of tolerance for Genius is somewhat surprising. Brutus works him over, but runs into a dropkick for two, and Genius schoolboys him for two. Bodyslam sets up a 2^nd rope elbowdrop, but Beefcake gutpunches him to block, and delivers a bodyslam of his own. Sleeper looks to finish, but Genius escapes, and the referee gets bumped in the process. Brutus gets the Sleeper back on, but there's no referee, and Beefcake stupidly lets off and celebrates despite that. You'd think he'd have learned something from all those times he challenged Honky Tonk Man in '88. So, with Genius out, Beefcake goes and gets the scissors, and starts strutting and cutting. Cue Mr. Perfect for the save, and he hits Beefcake with the PerfectPlex. He grabs a chair to finish the job, but now the referee wakes up, and calls for a double disqualification at 11:03. This was very much house show fare (or a C-level syndicated show, at best), though not boring. * (Original rating: ¼*)

Submission Match: Greg Valentine v Ronnie Garvin: Ugh, speaking of boring. The worlds longest feud from the worlds dullest wrestlers. Valentine threatens to walk out in protest over a brace on Garvin's leg (used to counteract the figure four), but Ronnie drags him in. Fists of fury lead to cover with no count, establishing that this is submissions only for the kiddies (and idiots). More fists send Valentine to the outside, and back in, more of the same from Garvin. Dude, it's a Submission match not a Boxing match. Greg manages to kick him down for a headbutt to the groin, but a cover goes nowhere again. Hey, at least he had getting punched in the head multiple times as an excuse. What was Garvin's? Ronnie fires back with a headbutt to put both guys down, but a piledriver gets countered with a backdrop - leading to more fruitless pinfall attempts. Getting on my nerves, fellas. I've already had to endure the Bushwhackers, my patience is thin. Greg hits a series of kneedrops to setup the Figure Four, but the brace protects Garvin, and he makes faces at Valentine. Did I mention how much I dislike Ron Garvin's work? 'Cause I do. Greg with an overhead backbreaker, but Ronnie doesn't give, so the Hammer drops an elbow. Figure Four, but this time Garvin counters with an inside cradle (for zero), then slugs at him. Indian deathlock ends in Valentine getting the ropes, as Jesse hilariously mocks Tony for his weight on commentary. The match spills to the floor for Garvin to try a piledriver, but Greg counters with a backdrop out there. Back in, Hammer keeps hammering, but a criss cross results in a double-knockout. Greg recovers first with a forward-backbreaker, and he gets the Figure Four on - sans brace this time. It's like he's Voldemort at the end of the first Harry Potter - 'I CAN touch you NOW!' Ronnie reverses, but Valentine's in the ropes, and he goes to work on the leg once free. Figure Four, but Garvin counters with another inside cradle (for zero) - though, this late into the bout, at least it makes sense that he was acting on instinct alone. Greg goes to the top, but Garvin slams him down (doing a nice job of selling the leg the entire time), cueing Jimmy Hart to interfere. Ronnie blocks a shot with the megaphone, however, and the reverse figure four (a sharpshooter) finishes the Hammer at 16:52. It got really good towards the end, but the excessive pinfall attempts hurt this a lot. I can see doing it once or twice to establish the premise, but there were literally dozens of attempts throughout the whole match, which really damaged the flow. ** (Original rating: ¾*)

Big Boss Man v Jim Duggan: It wouldn't be an early 90s Rumble without a random Boss Man singles match. Slugfest to start, resulting in Duggan shoulderblocking Boss Man out of the ring. Boss Man pulls him out after him to continue the brawl, and uses the post to his advantage - only to end up hitting it himself after missing a charge. Inside, Duggan actually works the shoulder, but ends up eating an avalanche and an enzuigiri. That's what you get for trying psychology, asshole. Boss Man works him over in punch-kick fashion, and a headvice grounds Hacksaw. He fights out, but runs into a knee, and Boss Man chokes him down. It's hard to believe Boss Man was only twenty five years old at this point. Bearhug, but Duggan escapes with a headbutt, and finally starts mounting his comeback by clotheslining Boss Man over the top. Inside, Jim keeps it going with a ten-punch count, but a cross corner charge misses, and Boss Man blasts him with a clothesline. Flying splash, but Duggan dodges, and they do a double-knockout spot off a shoulderblock. Oh, just go home, already. And, indeed they do, as Slick passes Boss Man his nightstick, and he cracks Duggan with it for a DQ at 10:23. Great, another TV finish. This would have been watchable at about half the length, but Boss Man's heat segment was really dull and aimless for the amount of time allotted. ¾* (Original rating: ½*)

Main Event: Royal Rumble Match: Two minute intervals this year. Ted DiBiase gets #1, while Koko B. Ware draws #2. DiBiase immediately puts the boots to him, and but makes the mistake of trying turnbuckle smashes, which Koko promptly no-sells. He mounts a quickie comeback with dropkicks and headbutts, but gets backdropped out before the third man even joins the fray. And speaking of #3, it's Marty Jannetty! Marty comes in hot with a pair of dropkicks, but he eats boot on a cross corner charge, and does a nice oversell on a clothesline. And speaking of reliable oversells, Ted gives us one as well, when Jannetty blocks a 2^nd rope flying axehandle with a gutpunch. Marty adds a jumping backelbow, but a bodypress misses, and he's out. That was a good little mini-match, for the ninety seconds or so that it lasted. #4 is Jake Roberts, and Ted is right on him - attacking on the outside with a slam. Million Dollar Dream out there, but Jake runs him into the post to block, and hits a backdrop on the way in. Short-clothesline follows, but DiBiase counters the DDT with a backdrop. Kind of stupid to try a knockout move in a battle royal anyway, but whatever. Ted unloads, but runs into a kneelift, and he's a goner - until #5 draw Randy Savage makes the save! Savage is sporting the longer tights for the first time on a major show here, and boy, he still has a lot of kinks to work out of that one. I never liked his 1990-91 look in general, he always looked best with either the short tights, or the long coupled with a top. Anyway, he and DiBiase take turns pummeling Jake, but the party's over when #6 draw Roddy Piper joins the fray. The crowd goes predictably crazy for that one, and he slugs it out with Macho as Jake returns fire on DiBiase. The booking has been just tremendous thus far - something sorely lacking in recent Rumbles. #7 is Warlord, which helps the heels turn the tide. Bret Hart draws #8, and goes right for DiBiase, then saves Piper from an elimination by Warlord. The level of big name talent in the ring right now is just incredible - it's like something out of an action figure promotion. #9 is Bad News Brown, and he gets right into it with Hart. Well, they do have a history together in battle royals, after all. Meanwhile, Jake nearly gets Ted with the DDT, but Savage saves - clotheslining Roberts out as he does. #10 is Dusty Rhodes, and that's the end of Randy Savage's night. #11 is Andre the Giant, and that can't be good for business. Bye bye Warlord. He manhandles Dusty and Piper like jobbers (midget jobbers, at that), as Brown and DiBiase gang up on the Hitman. #12 is Red Rooster, but no one cares. Nor should they, as Andre tosses him in short order. Meanwhile, Piper backdrops Brown out, but Bad News doesn't take that... bad news... very well, and pulls Roddy out after the fact - leading to a brawl up the aisle to setup their WrestleMania VI match. Young Shane McMahon is not doing a very good job restoring order, damn it! Ax gets lucky #13, and goes right after Andre - who had (along with Haku) just recently taken the tag title off of Demolition. He and Rhodes team up to get the Giant tied in the ropes for some hammering, but #14 draw Haku puts a stop to that! #15 is Smash, however, and the Demos demolish - dumping Andre! #16 is Akeem - giving us Rhodes and Akeem in the same ring! All we need now is Virgil to complete the trifecta! And he IS at ringside, actually! Jimmy Snuka draws #17, and gets rid of Akeem in short order. To this day, I still don't get what they were going for with Snuka during this period. It's not like they were hurting for recognizable workers, why bother? But then, this is the same promotion that would push Sgt. Slaughter to the world title the following year, so it's not like this was some isolated incident. Dino Bravo gets #18, but does nothing of note. That could be the name of his career retrospective - 'Dino Bravo: Nothing of Note.' #19 is Earthquake, and he gets rid of Rhodes in short order. Ax gets bounced by him as well, but that just puts him on everyone's radar, and they gang up to toss him. In a Rumble, you don't go to the top rope, and you don't draw attention to yourself. Cardinal rules. #20 is Jim Neidhart, as I notice that Bret got tossed at some point, but I apparently missed it. #21 is Ultimate Warrior, and you know the bodies are gonna go flying now! See ya, Dino! Snuka nearly suffers the same fate, but Haku saves him. That's like some kind of wrestling affirmative action. Rick Martel gets #22, and puts the hurt on Smash - Haku capitalizing by superkicking Smash out. #23 is Tito Santana, and you can guess who he goes right after. You'd think he'd have let it go by now, but he's still rocking the Strike Force tights, so he's obviously not over it yet. #24 is Honky Tonk Man, and he gets destroyed by Warrior, so DiBiase lends and hand and they gang up. That proves unwise for an already worn down Million Dollar Man, however, and Warrior puts him out after nearly forty five minutes in - a new longevity record. It was a good run. Hulk Hogan draws #25, and the glut predictably goes flying! Snuka and Haku are gone before Hulk even tears his shirt off, as Warrior dumps Tito. Martel and Honky try ganging up, but come on. Even #26 draw Shawn Michaels can't get any traction, and gets almost immediately tossed by the Warrior. That leaves Hogan and Warrior alone, and to say that the building comes unglued would be an understatement. They do the big power and criss cross showdowns that are, by now, etched into the memories of every old school fan, and of course, it all ends in a big double-knockout spot. #27 draw Barbarian gets the best of that, capitalizing by unloading on both men. #28 draw Rick Rude doesn't even wait for the buzzer, running right in nearly seconds after Barbarian. Somebody either missed a cue there, or maybe they were running long. He and Barbarian gang up on Warrior, but ultimately it's Hogan running over that gets him out. Hey, it's every man for himself! Hercules is #29, and he whips both Rude and Barbarian into big boots from Hogan. Hulk bodyslams Barbarian to setup a pair of elbowdrops, but an eyerake saves Barbarian from elimination. Mr. Perfect rounds out the field at #30, and goes right for Hogan, as Hercules gets to backdrop Barbarian out. That leaves Hogan, Rude, Hercules, and Perfect, and Hercules is immediately sent flying by Rude - leaving Hulk alone. The heels work him over, but a miscommunication results in Rude going out, and Perfect pinballs around for Hogan a bit. He manages to block a backdrop and execute the PerfectPlex, but Hogan no-sells, and wins it at 58:43. They really, really should have given this one to Warrior or Perfect. Hulk winning was fine, and it certainly sent the fans home happy, but he was already the WWF Champion. He didn’t need it. Warrior winning would have built him up even more ahead of WrestleMania, and Perfect winning would have juiced up the house show matches with Hogan. As for the Rumble, there were a couple of slow spots in the middle, and the ring clearing out so close to the finish made the ending sort of anticlimactic, but overall it was quite good, and with a lot of star power. *** ¼ (Original rating: *** ¼)

BUExperience: Still firmly entrenched in the era of guys not pulling double duty, this one features a really lackluster undercard, filled with TV level matches of limited intrigue, with all the big stars saved for the main event. While I liked a lot of the individual matches better this time around, my overall feelings on the show haven’t changed

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