WWE Elimination Chamber (February 2017)

Original Airdate: February 12, 2017

From Phoenix, Arizona; Your Hosts are Mauro Ranallo, Tom Phillips, David Otunga, and John Bradshaw Layfield

Opening Match: Becky Lynch v Mickie James: They spill to the outside off of the initial lockup, and nearly get counted out until one of them blinks, and breaks. Back in, they trade armbars, and Becky manages to dump her to the outside. Lynch dives with a forearm off the apron, but gets caught with a DDT for two on the way back in, and Mickie bootchokes her in the corner. You know, a small part of me really hopes Becky gets fat one day so I can use the 'Becky Lunch' jokes I've had saved up. James works the arm, but Becky starts throwing forearms to fight her off, so James kicks her in the head, then tosses her into the ring post. The STEEL ring post, not the LED ones, thank God. I suppose it's to accommodate the Chamber, but we have to take our ring post wins where we can get them. Mickie keeps working the arm, but Becky slugs free again, and delivers a leg lariat to setup an exploder suplex for two. Corner charge misses, however, and Mickie is ready with a flapjack and a flying seated senton for two. Becky fights her off in the corner and dives with a flying dropkick for two, but James counters a pumphandle-slam with the Mick Kick for two. DDT, but Lynch backdrops out of it, and a reversal sequence sees James block the Dis-arm-her, but get cradled anyway at 11:33. This was a very basic match, but very competently wrestled, with Mickie working the arm and Becky selling before heating up for the finish. Nothing wrong with that. ** ¼

Handicap Match: Dolph Ziggler v Apollo Crews and Kalisto: Ziggler takes Kalisto out with a sneak attack during the entrances in an effort to even things out, and we start one-on-one as the EMTs tend to Kalisto. An angry Crews beats his ass in the corner and hits a snap suplex, but Dolph manages to snap his throat across the top rope, and hit a neckbreaker across the middle rope. Another neckbreaker gets two, and Ziggler drops an elbow for two, before grounding Crews in a headlock. Superkick, but Crews counters with a schoolboy for two, so Ziggler backelbows him back down. Ziggler's got the heel act down fine, but his offense is really better suited to working babyface, and he'd better make some modifications quick, or we're looking at another Tatanka. More headlocking leads to yet another neckbreaker, but Crews kicks him to block - only to run into a swinging neckbreaker. Ziggler keeps working him over in dull fashion as Kalisto limps down the aisle against medical advice, and the distraction allows Crews to hit an enzuigiri for the tag. Kalisto dives in with an inverted springboard seated senton, but Dolph blocks the Salida Del Sol, so Crews pops in with the spin-out powerbomb for the pin at 7:24. The finish seemed kind of rushed there. Like, Kalisto was in for a total of MAYBE thirty seconds. * ¼

Tag Team Turmoil Match: Heath Slater and Rhyno v Breezango: Those who have been reading for a while surely recall that Tag Team Turmoil is one of my least favorite gimmicks (right up there with strap matches), so I'm not looking forward to this. It didn't work during the Attitude Era (when two minute matches were the norm), how likely is it to work now? Fandango starts with Heath, but gets destroyed. Over to Tyler Breeze, who also gets destroyed. A cheap shot finally allows the heels to get some stuff in on Slater, but Fandango gets sunset cradled for two, and hit with a leg lariat for two. Tag to Rhyno, and Fandango gets Gored at 4:34. ½*

Tag Team Turmoil Match: Heath Slater and Rhyno v The Vaudevillains: Luckily, they forgo full entrances, and just have the next team run right in. They pull Rhyno to the floor for a beat down, but Slater dives onto both with a flying bodypress. Inside, he runs into trouble against Aiden English, and they cut the ring in half. You know, for all of a minute, as Rhyno rushes in with a Gore, and Slater DDTs English at 1:35. Well, at least this is moving right along. ¼*

Tag Team Turmoil Match: Heath Slater and Rhyno v The Usos: The Usos as heels are like the opposite of Ziggler in that their offense is fine, but I just don't buy them playing the characters. Sorry guys, but no amount of facial hair or rap video clothing from fifteen years ago is going to help. They briefly work Rhyno over, but he hits a lariat, and gets the tag to Slater. Slater comes in hot, but runs into a pop-up Samoan drop, followed by a superkick at 2:10. ¼*

Tag Team Turmoil Match: The Usos v American Alpha: The Alpha's are the defending SmackDown tag champions, though the title is only on the line in the last match. They brawl around the ring to start, until the Alpha's clean house with stereo German suplexes, and the dust settles on Chad Gable hitting a flying bodypress for two. A cheap shot puts Chad down, however, and the Usos work to cut the ring in half. Jason Jordan gets the hot tag and starts suplexing everything in sight, and Gable cradles Jey Uso at 4:47. Nothing special, but practically a classic compared to the other Turmoil matches thus far. ¾*

WWE SmackDown Tag Team Title Match: American Alpha v The Ascension: The Usos lay the champions out on their way out of the ring, so this one goes right to the heat segment, with the challengers hitting the Fall of Man on Jordan for two - Gable saving. They take Chad right out and work Jason over, but Viktor misses a charge in the corner, and eats a release overhead suplex. Tag to Gable, and they quickly retain with the Grand Amplitude at 2:59. Don't get me wrong. Tag Team Turmoil could be cool, in theory, given that you dedicate an hour to it (so the matches aren't so abbreviated), and that you have a good enough roster of teams to work with. This met neither of those criteria. I mean, five matches taking up over twenty minutes of pay per view time, and the sum total of all their ratings doesn't even break three-stars? ¾*

Nikki Bella v Natalya: Feeling out process to start, which doesn't take long to break down into them slugging it out. Natalya with a pair of takedowns to assert dominance, but a third is countered with a kneebar, and Natalya is forced to use the ropes to save herself. She bails to the outside, but Nikki is on her with a baseball slide, then adds a flying clothesline off of the apron. Natalya tries to beg off, but Bella falls for the trap, and ends up getting sent into the post for being stupid. Wow, Nikki's really tightened up since coming back - she looks great. Inside, Natalya works her over while heaping on piles of taunts of the Cena-related variety. Nikka tries schoolgirling a taunting Natalya, but it only gets two, and Nattie punishes her by working the leg. Nikki counters out of a leglock with an STF, but Natalya's in the ropes again. Nikki keeps coming with a shoulderblock and a dropkick, followed by a kneeling facebuster for two. Natalya returns fire with a Michinoku driver for two, but Bella blocks the Sharpshooter, and forearms her down for two. TKO, but it's Nattie's turn to block, so Bella regroups with a spinebuster for two. Springboard enzuigiri is worth two, but a trip to the top ends in Natalya vertical superplexing her down. Sharpshooter is successfully applied, but Bella counters to the STF, only for Natalya to get the ropes again. She bails, Nikki follows, and we have a lame double countout at 13:17! A little long, but decent enough, save for the shitty finish. * ½

Randy Orton v Luke Harper: Feeling out process to start, until Orton bails to the outside for some stalling, but Luke follows, and throws him into the barricade out there. Into the announce table next, then in for a dropkick, but Randy knocks him off the top turnbuckle as he climbs, and Harper bumps back out to the floor. Orton side suplexes him onto an announce table out there, as we get a look at Harper's massive bald spot. How have I never noticed that before? I guess it's true what they say about beards masking baldness. Inside, Randy works a chinlock, as we take some wide shots of the ring. All that was missing there was the 'LIVE' graphic, and a Stridex mini-blimp. Orton's really not a bad wrestler, but man, is he dull. I don't think Rick Martel stopped to pose that much, and he was a fucking MODEL! Harper fires back with a slingshot somersault senton splash and a big boot, but even with all that alliteration going on, Orton kicks out at two. Language hating bastard! Harper with a tope to send Randy into the announce table again, and I feel like we're missing Steve Martin out there yelling about how these guys really hate those tables at this point. Harper tries a side suplex onto it, but it STILL doesn't break, so Randy snap powerslams him on the floor. Back in with a vertical superplex for two, but Harper blocks the RKO, so Randy keeps coming with a uranage for two. Rope-hung DDT hits, but Orton wastes too much time getting ready for the RKO, and Luke superkicks him twice for two. Maybe he should have tried a third one for three? It's simple math! Reversal sequence ends in Harper hitting a sitout powerbomb for two, but a slugfest ends in Randy finding the RKO for the pin at 17:14. This was a weird match, in the sense that it didn't FEEL like a good match, but was actually quite watchable basically through force of sheer willpower. ** ¾

WWE SmackDown Women's Title Match: Alexa Bliss v Naomi: Alexa gets cocky (cunty?), and schoolgirled right away for two. Naomi follows with a bulldog into the middle turnbuckle, but a springboard is countered with a slam for two, and Alexa bootchokes her in the corner. Straddling ropechoke gets two, so Naomi tries another bulldog, but gets launched into the turnbuckles to block for two. Alexa has improved a lot since getting called up. She's still far from a top level worker, but she's getting a lot better than even a few months ago. Reversal sequence ends in Naomi roundhouse kicking her in the head, and she adds a jumping backelbow before going up for a flying somersault neckbreaker for two. Alexa fights her off in the corner, but runs into the Rear View for two. Alexa manages a matslam to setup a splash/standing moonsault double kneedrop combo for two - which looked more like a gymnastics routine than a devastating offensive move. All that was missing there was a close-up of Bela Karolyi. Bliss with a DDT for two, and she throws a tantrum - sparking a sloppy sequence that ends in Alexa using a leveraged pin for two. Twisted Bliss, but it hits the knees, and Naomi delivers a split-legged moonsault for the title (with Bliss out of position) at 8:21. I take back what I said about Alexa. Those last few minutes had more botches than a Sabu compilation tape. ¾*

Main Event: WWE Title Elimination Chamber Match: John Cena v AJ Styles v Miz v Dean Ambrose v Bray Wyatt v Baron Corbin: The entrances alone eat up a good half hour. Cena starts with Styles, and they feel each other out. AJ takes a kick at the leg to rattle Cena, and he follows with a rack bomb for two. Clash, but Cena backdrops out of it, then adds a standing sunset bomb for two. STF, but AJ blocks, and delivers a fireman's neckbreaker for two. These guys are moving and selling like they've been out there for twenty minutes. Cena starts randomly mounting his comeback, but the buzzer prevents the Five Knuckle Shuffle as Ambrose enters. He goes right after Cena, knocking him out onto the platform for some abuse with the cage. AJ tries to get in on it, but Dean kicks his ass as well, and hits a release vertical suplex onto the platform. There’s been a lot of talking about this new Chamber, but I honestly fall onto the positive side of this one. It's safer, but it isn't glaring or obvious to the point where it kills the gimmick, and they did a nice job of masking the padding and such. Besides, considering the amount of injuries the old Chamber had on its record, it was necessary. Dean climbs onto one of the pods and dives onto Cena with a flying elbowsmash, but Styles stops him from going for the kill, and they trade go-behinds until Cena runs up and double-German suplexes them! Both guys manage to block the AA, however, and everyone ends up staring up at the lights as Wyatt enters the match. He quickly launches AJ into the cage, but misses a charge into the post, and eats a slingshot legdrop. Cena capitalizes with the AA on AJ on the platform, but Styles blocks, and starts climbing the cage. John is hot on his tail, and they slug it out at the top - AJ able to knock his down onto the platform. Dean is up there as well now, and they slug it out atop one of the pods - ending in a train wreck spot that sees AJ, Dean, and Bray in a heap! Nice bump from AJ there. Corbin is next in, and he goes right for Dean with a clothesline in the ring, then out onto the platform for some abuse with the cage. You know, this whole gimmick is like watching a match booked at Discovery Zone. Forget the title, they should battle it out over tokens. Corbin has little trouble knocking everyone around, but Ambrose comes flying off of a pod with a dropkick, and he takes Baron out onto the platform for some retribution via the cage. Dirty Deeds looks to finish, but Corbin blocks, and sends Dean flying off the top rope into the cage. Miz is last in, and he's absolutely terrified as his pod door opens, and Corbin is calling him out. Unfortunately for Baron, that distraction allows Ambrose to sneak up with a schoolboy for our first elimination at 18:39. Corbin is none too pleased about that one though, and destroys poor Ambrose on his way out the door, allowing Miz to hook the leg and send Ambrose home at 20:50. Miz turns his attention to Cena and Wyatt for a neat sequences where he blasts both guys with an extended kick combo, then he moves on to giving AJ his share. Miz with corner dropkicks on all three guys, and Bray eats a Skull Crushing Finale on the platform. Flying bodypress for Cena, but John rolls through, and counters up into the AA at 23:30. The celebration is cut short when AJ and Bray attack, but their alliance quickly falls apart, and John is able to mount a comeback - hitting a double-Five Knuckle Shuffle. AA for Bray, but AJ counters out of his with the Clash for two! Phenomenal Forearm, but Cena dodges, and delivers an AA for two on the rebound! John then climbs onto a pod to setup a double-flying clothesline that knocks them both over like bowling pins, but Wyatt counters an AA with the Sister Abigail at 29:14! And then there were two! Wyatt is able to keep control by unloading with mounted shots, but AJ fires back with a jumping forearm for two, and schoolboys his way out of Abigail for two! Bray manages to introduce Styles to Abigail, but it's only worth two. Uranage, but AJ counters with the pele kick to setup a springboard 450 splash for two! Phenomenal Forearm, but Bray counters with Abigail to win the title at 34:36! A good Chamber match, but not the great one that it needed to be. *** ½

BUExperience: Outside of the main event there is nothing to see here. And while the Chamber match is certainly good, it’s not quite ‘save the show’ good. Especially a show with a Tag Team Turmoil.

DUD