WWE Royal Rumble (January 2007)

Original Airdate: January 28, 2007

From San Antonio, Texas; Your Hosts are Jim Ross, Jerry Lawler, Michael Cole, John Bradshaw Layfield, Joey Styles, and Tazz

Opening Match: The Hardy Boyz v MNM: Joey Mercury (sporting a face guard here, following his legit injury at the hands of the Hardy's at Armageddon) distracts Matt Hardy to allow Johnny Nitro a sneak attack, and MNM pound on him. Matt manages to fight Mercury off in the corner to get the tag off to Jeff Hardy, but he quickly ends up in the wrong corner, and MNM go to work. Jeff manages to catch Nitro with an inverted atomic drop to set up a legdrop to the crotch for two, then over to Matt for a fistdrop/somersault senton splash combo. That brings Mercury in, but Matt dispatches him following a vertical suplex, and Johnny takes a swinging neckbreaker for two. Matt tries a slam, but Nitro punches him square in the jaw to block, and Mercury gets the tag. MNM cut the ring in half on Matt, but Joey misses a 2^nd rope pointed elbowdrop, and Jeff gets the tag! He catches Nitro with a sling blade on the way in, followed by a sitout gourdbuster for two. Whisper in the Wind gets two, and Roseanne Barr the door! The Boyz hit Nitro with a tandem vertical suplex to set up stereo dives off opposing top turnbuckles, but Johnny lifts his knees to block Jeff, and he's left down as the referee sends non-legal man Matt back to the apron! MNM go to work on Jeff, but a combo in the corner ends up backfiring, and Matt gets the hot tag! Bulldog gets two on Johnny, and a 2^nd rope flying elbowsmash gets two. MNM fire back with the Snapshot, but Jeff comes in to save before they can execute it - only for Poetry in Motion to miss! Matt keeps coming with a Side Effect on Nitro, and the Twist of Fate sets up a Swanton Bomb from Jeff at 15:32. This was fine, but a pretty big step down from both of their December pay per view matches. **

ECW World Title Match: Bobby Lashley v Test: Test is looking big. The first lockup goes to a stalemate, but Test makes the mistake of disrespecting Lashley with a slap on the break, and gets tackled. Bobby goes at him, but gets suckered into a clean break, and takes a cheap shot. Test with a bootchoke in the corner, but a charge gets countered with a suplex, and Bobby adds a hanging vertical version to send his challenger bailing to the outside. Test is carrying so much muscle mass here that it looks weird - and this is a guy with a naturally big frame to begin with. Lashley tries to bring him back in ahead of the count, but ends up paying for that mistake, and Test works an armbar. For a long ass time. Lashley finally escapes, and starts mounting his comeback with a backdrop, and some charges in the corner. Press-slam, but the arm acts up, and Test is able to run at him with a big boot for two. This match may be boring as fuck, but points for at least trying to work some psychology in. Test goes for the kill, but Lashley fights him off with an overhead suplex, and the challenger ends up on the outside again - this time opting to walk out at 7:10. This was relatively short for a pay per view title match, yet felt like it went on forever anyway. DUD

World Heavyweight Title Match: Batista v Mr. Kennedy: Batista's entrance takes forever tonight. He tries to railroad Kennedy early, but gets schoolboyed for one, so he throws a big boot to shake his challenger off. Batista with a vertical suplex for two, so Kennedy bails, but the champ is on his tail. He uses the barricade, but Kennedy sends him knee-first into the steps out there, and Batista is limping as they head back in. Batista tries to walk it off by hammering Kennedy in the corner, but the knee is slowing him down, and the challenger shoots a dropkick at the leg. He goes to work on it, and uses an inverted figure four to try and coax a submission, but Batista gets the ropes. Kennedy keeps on him with a pair of kneesmashes for two, and he goes for the submission again with a half-crab, as I start to wonder if I'm not enjoying this because I'm tired, or if I'm tired because I'm not enjoying this. Batista escapes the hold and manages a spinebuster, and he starts mounting a comeback - though slowed by the knee. That allows Kennedy to block the Batista Bomb, and he hits a neckbreaker, but the referee is down, so there's no count. Kennedy stays focused with a DDT, but even with the referee back in the saddle, it only gets two. 2^nd rope flying axehandle is blocked, however, and Batista powers through the Bomb to retain at 10:32. ½*

WWE Title Last Man Standing Match: John Cena v Umaga: Slugfest to start, with Cena going toe-to-toe with his challenger, but ultimately ending up down outside of the ring. Umaga hops out to send him into the steps, but John beats the count to his feet, so they head back in. Umaga works him over in slow, punchy-kicky fashion, with Cena doing 'near falls' off of shit like basic clotheslines. I get that they're trying to make it dramatic, but would anyone really buy that a wrestler in 2007 (let alone JOHN FREAKING CENA) wouldn't be able to answer a ten count after a clothesline? Umaga brings the steps into the ring to up the ante, but it backfires when John knocks him out of the ring, and then throws the steps full force at his head! Holy fuck! Now THAT warrants a count, I'd say! Umaga beats it, so Cena brings him in, but walks into a spinheel kick, and Umaga works a bearhug. He shifts it into a belly-to-belly suplex to buy enough time to bring the steps back in, and he props them up in the corner to set Cena against for the Wrecking Ball, but John dodges! Cena whacks him with the steps, but Umaga beats the count, so John goes up with a flying bodypress - only to get caught in a swinging scrapbuster! Umaga doesn't bother letting the referee count (of course - that didn't have the devastating impact of a clothesline, after all), but a splash misses, and John delivers a Throwback onto the steps. Slam onto them follows, setting up a Five Knuckle Shuffle on the steps, but an attempt at an FU backfires when Cena crumples under the weight - crashing face first into the steps! That leaves the champ a bloody mess, but he beats the count, so Umaga starts slugging. Cena absorbs the blows and starts responding in kind, but runs into a sloppy Samoan drop, and Umaga ties him in a tree of woe. He tries a headbutt drop, but John sits up to dodge, and comes off the top with a flying rocker dropper! He sends Umaga into the post, then brings a TV monitor into play - smashing it over the Samoan's head! Umaga still beats the count (though he surprisingly doesn't join in on using the blade), and they spill to the outside, where Umaga runs him into the post. He positions Cena on an announce table to try a splash, but John moves, and the challenger crashes through it himself! He beats the count, so Armando Estrada goes to plan-b, and starts using a wrench to dismantle the top rope - thus allowing Umaga to pick up the loose turnbuckle to use as a weapon. That seems like an awful lot of work. Couldn't he just pass Umaga the large metal wrench he was using to take the turnbuckle apart? But then, that wouldn't be as visually impressive, I suppose. Unfortunately for them, all this time dismantling the ring has allowed Cena to recover, and he counters the blow with the FU! Umaga is getting up right away, so John bops him with the turnbuckle, then uses the loose top rope to choke Umaga into unconsciousness at 23:10. I'm not sure that I agree with all the love this match has gotten over the years. It got pretty wild and crazy toward the end, but was pretty middling punch-kick stuff most of the way through. Honestly, the New Year's Revolution match was better, though this one was certainly more memorable. **

Main Event: #1 Contender's 30-Man Royal Rumble Match: Ninety second intervals this year. Ric Flair and Finlay get the first two spots to start us off, and Finlay dominates with a shoulderblock and a backdrop. He fails to get Flair over the top, however, and Ric fires off a chop and a backelbow until #3 draw Kenny Dykstra jumps in. Flair focuses his chops on Kenny, and Finlay tries to help by tossing the youngster, but Kenny hangs on. #4 is Matt Hardy, and he hits Kenny with the Side Effect right away, but fails to toss him. This is dragging a lot thus far. #5 is Edge, which will hopefully pep things up a bit. He immediately spears both Flair and Finlay, but Matt dodges his turn, and delivers a Twist of Fate. Ric decides to bring a chair into play, but Kenny knocks it away from him, and Edge tosses the Nature Boy - then dumps Kenny for good measure! #6 is Tommy Dreamer, and he gets right into a slugfest with Edge - hanging him in a tree of woe for some abuse, Lawler has a funny conversation on commentary about his strategy of hiding underneath the ring during battle royals. #7 is Sabu, and he brings a table with him, which he positions at ringside. He comes in with a springboard on Tommy, but a second one is blocked with a right hang, and Hardy nearly eliminates Sabu. Gregory Helms gets #8, and comes in swinging at Matt, as Sabu tries to get Finlay out. #9 is Shelton Benjamin, and he goes for Hardy as well. I wonder how far we are away from Shelton returning to the WWE to battle Jason Jordan for the rights to be Kurt Angle's illegitimate black son? I'll be legit sad if that doesn't happen at some point. Kane is #10, as we're shockingly a third of the way through the field, with only two elimination thus far. Some deadwood needs clearing. Kane apparently feels the same way, and that's it for Dreamer, followed by Sabu (through the table he brought with him). #11 is CM Punk, and he goes after Edge, but Finlay saves. Booker T draws #12, and that's it for Helms. Super Crazy gets lucky #13, and bumps around for Kane. #14 is Jeff Hardy, and he works with Matt to tandem vertical suplex Finlay. They double up on Edge next, then onto Crazy with a sloppy tandem suplex. Poetry in Motion downs Kane, as #15 draw Sandman joins the party - complete with his full entrance through the crowd. It would have been hilarious if they went all the way with the gag, and it took him the duration of the match to finally get to the ring. Instead, he comes in swinging his cane, but quickly gets dumped by Booker. Randy Orton gets #16, and he works with Edge to toss Crazy. They get rid of both Hardy's the same way, and here comes #17 draw Chris Benoit. He goes to work on Rated-RKO with chops, then passes out German suplexes to anyone in the mood. #18 is Rob Van Dam, and he comes in with a flurry of kicks on everyone - allowing Kane to toss Booker in the process! Booker can't accept that result, however, and he comes back in with the axekick on Kane, then clotheslines him over the top as well! #19 is Viscera. That's it - he's number nineteen. Not much else to say about him here, unfortunately. #20 is Johnny Nitro, who gets stomped down by Orton and Edge right away, as Shelton does an awesome elimination tease with Benoit that sees him literally inches from touching the ground, but able to hold the bottom rope tightly enough to keep himself floating over the floor! Tremendous upper body strength there. Kevin Thorn gets #21, and you can just FEEL the excitement. #22 is Hardcore Holly, and he looks like he's in a mood. Shelton tries to send RVD out with a catapult, but Rob hangs on, and everyone bands together to get Viscera out - including #23 draw Shawn Michaels! He throws a the deciding Superkick to end the big mans night, and dumps Finlay as well. Benjamin gets backdropped out by HBK, as the crowd goes wild for the hometown boy. #24 is Chris Masters, and he unloads on Benoit. Nitro goes up onto the middle rope to try and capitalize with a dive at Benoit, but it backfires, and he's gone. Hard to have much sympathy for a guy who climbs the ropes in a battle royal. #25 is Chavo Guerrero, but he doesn't add anything. #26 is Montel Vontavious Porter, who makes the mistake of going after Benoit, and pays for it. RVD gets Masters out, as Carlito enters at #27. He looks so unrecognizably different on GLOW these days. Outside of Shawn doing his usual awesome job of teasing eliminations for everyone, little is going on here. #28 is Great Khali, and it's headbutts all around! Shawn was actually pretty reserved on his selling there - early 90s HBK would have done a full spiral off of that one. Holly gets eliminated, as Miz enters at #29 - and immediately gets tossed by Khali. As do Benoit, RVD, Punk, Carlito, and Guerrero! Awesome! Michaels is still alive, so he tries chopping at the big man, and you can guess how well that goes - giving Shawn the chance to freak out his hometown fans as he pin balls around. Undertaker draws #30 to round out the field, and he shows no fear of Khali. He holds his own in a slugfest with the giant, and even manages to single handedly eliminate him! MVP takes the ropewalk forearm, and he's gone - leaving the final four as Edge, Randy Orton, Shawn Michaels, and Undertaker. Good field! Undertaker hits Edge with a jumping clothesline, as Porter passes Orton a chair, and he blasts 'Taker with it to save his partner from elimination. Edge tries following up with a spear, but nearly runs into Randy's chair in the process, and the miscommunication almost comes to blows. They settle for ganging up on a bloody Undertaker instead, but he manages to steamroll them both with a double-clothesline, and Edge takes a snake-eyes/big boot combo! Chokeslam for Orton, but Edge manages to save with the spear, and he tees off with the chair! A second chair comes into play, but Shawn sneaks up and eliminates them both before they can use them - both he and Undertaker left looking up at the lights! After letting the tension mount for a few seconds, we get a cool situp/kipup bit, and Shawn charges him into the corner for a ten-punch. 'Taker manages to fight him off (yeah, no shit, Shawn looks to be all of a hundred and forty pounds soaking wet at this point), but Michaels holds his own as they slug it out. Undertaker manages to get him over the top onto the apron with a cross corner whip, but a big boot to knock him off misses - leaving Undertaker over the top on the apron! They tease a few eliminations, then back in for Michaels to hit a swinging neckbreaker. Undertaker responds with a big boot, and tries to lift Shawn out, but Michaels lands on the apron. He tries to go to the top, but gets crotched up there (teasing another elimination in the process), and Undertaker follows up for a superplex. Shawn tries fighting him off, so Undertaker tries to simply shove him down to the floor instead of suplexing into the ring, but Michaels knocks him to the mat, and dives with a flying elbowdrop! The crowd is fully behind Michaels as he revs up the band, but Undertaker counters the Superkick with a chokeslam! He goes for the kill, but Michaels escapes, and lands the Superkick! He lets Undertaker gets to his feet so he can use a second Superkick to send him over the top, but 'Taker dodges, and Shawn is gone at 57:20. Actually a pretty boring Rumble, but it picked up once Khali entered, and never looked back - right down to its legendary, dramatic closing argument. **

BUExperience: I acknowledge that there are plenty of people who loved that Last Man Standing match a whole lot more than I did, but this is a pretty worthless show for me. Aside from the last fifteen minutes of the Rumble match, there is nothing here worth spending your time on.

DUD