WWE Fastlane (March 2018)

Original Airdate: March 11, 2018

From Columbus, Ohio; Your Hosts are Tom Phillips, Byron Saxton, and Corey Graves

Opening Match: Rusev v Shinsuke Nakamura: Having Aiden English at ringside instead of Lana feels like a huge step down for Viktor Krum. Feeling out process to start, with Rusev working to tie him up in order to avoid any strikes. Rusev bails to the outside and stalls after Nakamura gains control, until Nakamura gets frustrated enough to go after him. English adds a distraction to allow Rusev to gain control out there, and Nakamura takes a whip into the barricade. Back in, Rusev works a chinlock, but Nakamura counters to a kneebar, and Rusev needs the ropes to escape. He drops Nakamura with a swinging scrapbuster for two, and adds a couple of elbowdrops before going to a clutch. Nakamura escapes, so Rusev throws knees, but runs into a jumping sidekick on a criss cross. That allows Nakamura to unload some strikes, and a knee in the corner gets two. I know my feelings on this are well documented, but let me again note that Nakamura is incredibly overrated. He works a front-facelock, but Rusev escapes with a fallaway slam, and hits a roundhouse kick for two. Rusev fires off a bunch of strikes, but Nakamura powers through for an axekick, only to get schoolboyed for two while trying a charge. Accolade, but Nakamura counters with a sunset cradle for two, and adds a spinheel kick. Kinshasa, but Rusev counters with a superkick for two. He tries for the Accolade again, but Nakamura counters with a kick to the back of the head, and Kinshasa finishes at 14:39. Yawn. I found this to be really dull and unfocused. ¾*

WWE United States Title Match: Bobby Roode v Randy Orton: Feeling out process to start, going pretty evenly, until Orton tries for the RKO, and Roode bails to the outside to avoid it. Bobby breaks the momentum out there, then comes back in to try and hit the Glorious DDT, and now it's Orton's turn to hit the deck and bail. Back in, Orton manages to get the better of a collar-and-elbow, and he drops Bobby front-first across the top rope for two. Cross corner whip hits, but Roode rebounds out with a lariat for two, and adds a kneedrop for two. Chinlock leads to a vertical suplex, but Randy reverses, so Roode starts firing off clotheslines, and hits a swinging neckbreaker. Bobby goes up with a flying clothesline, but Randy counters the Glorious DDT with a schoolboy for two, and adds a quick powerslam. Roode rolls to the apron to buy time, so Randy tries pulling him back in via the rope-hung DDT, but Bobby blocks. Roode with a 2^nd rope flying somersault neckbreaker for two, but another sequence on the apron ends in Orton planting him with the rope-hung DDT. Why is Randy stopping to acknowledge the WrestleMania sign before going for the RKO? This isn't about a shot at something at WrestleMania. This isn't about an opportunity. This, right here and right now, is about a title. Go for it! And then when he finally goes for the RKO, Roode counters with a sunset cradle, but Randy manages to reverse for two. Bobby clotheslines him over the top, but ends up getting dropped on the barricade out there when he follows. Orton tries a superplex on the way back in, but Bobby counters with a powerbomb for two, and he heads back up - only to get crotched. That allows Orton to hit the vertical superplex that he couldn't before, but it only gets two. Slugfest ends in Roode hooking a backslide for two, and a rotating spinebuster is worth two. 2^nd rope flying shoulderblock, but Orton counters with the RKO to win his first US title at 19:21. It's kind of crazy that it took Randy that long to pick up the US belt. This got a lot better late in the contest, but could have benefitted from having a good five minutes trimmed off. **

Carmella and Natalya v Becky Lynch and Naomi: Carmella and Becky start, with Lynch quickly hooking a schoolgirl for two. She tries for the Dis-Arm-Her early, but Carmella's in the ropes, and she passes over to Natalya to snap suplex Becky. Unfortunately for Natalya, she's arrogant, and Becky schoolgirls her for two as Nattie wastes time taunting Naomi. Naomi tags in to hit a slap for two (that's not some fancy move you haven't heard of - I'm talking about a literal slap across the face), and she adds a headscissors takedown, then "hits" a wheelbarrow stunner. Don't bother doing fancy variations if it prevents you from executing the base move. Add that to my ever growing list of pet peeves. Naomi goes up for something, but Carmella distracts her, allowing Natalya to sitout powerbomb her down for two. Then she poses, and covers again, again for two. Again, not some fancy move, I'm talking about literal posing. They cut the ring in half on Naomi, but she escapes a suplex from Natalya for the tag, and Becky comes in hot with an exploder suplex. Flying dropkick follows, but she fails to cut the ring in half, and Carmella tags back in. She hits a chincrusher, but runs into trouble with Naomi, and Becky comes off the top with a flying legdrop. That brings Natalya back in without a tag, and Roseanne Barr the door! Carmella manages a handstand rana on Becky for two, and a superkick finishes at 8:54. Not good as a match. ¼*

WWE Smackdown Tag Team Title Match: The Usos v The New Day: Big argument over who gets to point at the sign to start. What a bunch of marks this generation come off as. Jimmy Uso starts with Xavier Woods, but quickly blind tags to Jey Uso to sneak in with a superkick. The champs work over Woods in the corner, but he gets away from a chinlock long enough to tag Kofi Kingston in. Kofi comes in with dropkicks on both Usos, and he isolates Jey for a legdrop, but runs into trouble when Jimmy comes back in swinging. Jimmy hits his own legdrop, and the Usos deliver their own version of the midnight hour for two. Jey misses a stinger splash to allow the tag back to Woods, but that idiots runs right at Jimmy instead of legal man Jey, and gets schoolboyed. Woods recovers with superkicks on both men, allowing Kingston to tag back in for their over version of the Usos finish for two. The champs manage to clean house before a follow-up happens, and they hit New Day with tandem tope suicidas. With everyone down on the outside, suddenly the Bludgeon Brothers show up (well, about as 'suddenly' as a full entrance (including music and effects) allows), and they kick the crap out of everyone - resulting in a no-contest at 9:00. This felt like the kind of match you'd expect to see on a house show, followed by the kind of angle you'd expect to see on TV. *

WWE Smackdown Women's Title Match: Charlotte Flair v Ruby Riott: Feeling out process to start, with Charlotte dominating. She hits a fallaway slam, so Ruby tries riding her with a sleeper, but Flair falls to the outside to escape. Charlotte tosses her challenger into the barricade a couple of times while they're out there, but she gets distracted by the Riott Squad, and Ruby jumps her. They're like a less attractive version of Absolution (Riott is the poor mans Paige, Morgan/Rose, Logan/Deville), which is a nice little visual aid for how the WWE regards RAW and Smackdown in general. Inside, Ruby goes to work on the champion, and tries a rolling vertical suplex, but Charlotte counters the second alarm with a slingshot suplex. Perhaps uncle Tully showed her that one? Riott with a 2^nd rope flying reverse senton splash for two, and she grounds Chick Flair in a straight jacket. Charlotte starts to escape, so Riott delivers an STO for two, but another reverse senton off the middle hits the knees, and Flair is able to capitalize with a neckbreaker. Charlotte goes up for a flying moonsault, but takes too long climbing, and Riott shoves her all the way down into the barricade. Ruby then dives with a tope, but Charlotte catches her, and throws her into the barricade with an exploder suplex. Flair then dives off said barricade with a moonsault press, and that gets two on the way back inside. Figure Four, but Ruby blocks, so Charlotte drills her with a high knee instead. Flair tries climbing again, but Riott is still not battered enough, and she follows up for a rana off the top for two. Riott starts unloading chops, but that just fires up a comeback from the champion, and Ruby has to fight her off in the corner to stay in the game. That brings the Squad back into play, but Naomi and Becky Lynch are here to stop them. Unfortunately for Charlotte, Naomi and Becky suck at their jobs, and Flair gets walloped anyway. The referee ends up ejecting all the spares, and Flair sneaks up with a side suplex as Riott protests. Figure Four, but Riott counters with a small package for two. She tries an inverted rana, but Charlotte drops her into the turnbuckles to block (in a neat spot), then spears her challenger down for the Figure Eight at 13:46. Had its moments. Afterwards, Asuka shows up to challenge Charlotte for WrestleMania, while both of them breathe like they're in the throes of passion. **

Main Event: WWE Title Six-Pack Challenge Match: AJ Styles v John Cena v Kevin Owens v Sami Zayn v Dolph Ziggler v Baron Corbin: First fall wins it. Everyone charges Cena and eats AA's to start, except AJ, who wisely hangs back. They do an extended bit of posturing while the other four all play dead on the outside, before engaging in a slugfest that goes Cena's way. He tries the AA, but Styles escapes. Styles Clash, but Cena escapes, as the other four finally recover from taking that single move. Even in the videogames that wouldn't put them down for more than a couple of seconds. Anyway, those dorks all gang up to dump Cena, before turning on each other, and everyone spills to the outside. AJ gets back in, where he holds the high ground for a while, but an attempt to superplex Owens gets blocked, and Styles gets tossed over the top. Everyone fights for position in the ring, with Ziggler hitting Cena with a jumping DDT, but then immediately getting flattened with a flying frogsplash by Owens for two. AJ comes back in to slug it out with Kevin, and he sticks the pele kick, but the Clash is countered with a backdrop over the top. Everyone trades signature moves, with the sequence won by Cena doing a double Five Knuckle Shuffle on Ziggler and Zayn. AA for Dolph, but he counters with the rocker dropper for two. Nice! Superkick, but Cena counters to the STF, leaving Styles to have to rush in to break it up before Dolph taps. Styles hits John with the Clash, but Sami breaks up the cover at two, and he hammers AJ with mounted punches. Zayn tries a springboard on Corbin, but gets knocked out of the ring for his troubles, and Baron hits AJ with the Deep Six. Dolph gets a pop-up flapjack (with great hang time), but manages to block the End of Days, and they spill to the outside. That quickly ends up in the crowd for a brawl, while Cena puts AJ through an announce table with an AA. Again, I wish they'd STOP TALKING ABOUT GOING TO WRESTLEMANIA! The damn top title is on the line right now. THAT'S ALL THAT SHOULD MATTER to the six guys in the match! Like, Cena's whole storyline makes no sense to me. So, he's trying to win the top title in the promotion in order to secure a match at WrestleMania? The title itself isn't enough, then? It's just a stepping stone to the REAL title, a spot on the WrestleMania card? I honestly don't understand this promotion sometimes. In the ring, Zayn offers to do a finger poke for Owens while everyone else is busy, but Kevin isn't sure about his intentions. While he's debating it, Sami cradles him for two. They spill out to the apron, where Owens tries a powerbomb, but Sami counters with a backdrop. He loses focus to jaw with Shane McMahon, allowing Owens to recover enough to throw a superkick, but he hits Shane by accident. That allows Sami to hit his through the post DDT on the floor, and he rolls Kevin in for the Helluva Kick, but Owens counters with a superkick. Ziggler tries to sneak in with the Zig Zag, but ends up eating the Pop-Up Powerbomb - only for McMahon to pull the referee out at two as a receipt for earlier. That allows Sami to recover for the Helluva Kick, but Shane breaks up the count at two again. Sami nearly kills him, but stops short because he has to pull Ziggler off of Owens before Dolph scores the pin. Corbin comes in with the steps and starts hitting anything that moves, but Cena nips that in the bud, and gives him an AA on the steps for two. And another thing: why is the referee counting a pinfall while the dude is ON THE STEPS?! Like, what?! Ziggler hits John-boy with a superkick, but Cena rebounds with an AA. That brings Owens in with a Pop-Up Powerbomb, but Styles flies in to hit Kevin with the Phenomenal Forearm to retain at 21:55. Just another videogame main event, where lots of stuff happens, but only some of it makes sense. ** ½

BUExperience: This was such a forgettable show that I couldn’t even remember what happened in the opener by the time we got to the main event. And I’m not even joking.

DUD