WCW Uncensored 1996 (Version II)

Original Airdate: March 24, 1996

From Tupelo, Mississippi; Your Hosts are Tony Schiavone, Dusty Rhodes, and Bobby Heenan

Opening WCW United States Title Match: Konnan v Eddie Guerrero: Feeling out process to start, until Eddie takes him down, and starts working the leg. He uses a figure four, but Konnan makes the ropes to escape, and they do a unique pinfall reversal sequence to a stalemate. Eddie tries a bow-and-arrow, but Konnan counters to a grapevine, then shifts into a Boston crab. As Guerrero makes the ropes, I'm pretty sure I spot Jeb Bush sitting in the first row here. Another reversal sequence ends in a stalemate, so Eddie suckers him into a test-of-strength, then pounces with a standing dropkick. Ha! Guerrero with a rana off the top for two, and he grounds the champion in a camel clutch, but Konnan manages to dump him to the outside to escape. Criss cross on the way back in is dominated by Konnan until Eddie bails, and Guerrero wisely puts some distance between himself and a champion to prevent a dive. Back in, Eddie tries a mat-based side-headlock, but Konnan escapes, so Guerrero quickly snaps him over with an armdrag, and the champ bails to kill the momentum. Despite that, Guerrero is still able to unload with chops on the way back in, and he sends Konnan back to the floor with a headscissors takedown, and this time is able to follow-up with a flying bodypress before Konnan can distance himself. I like how he had to work for that. Eddie with a slingshot somersault senton for two on the way back in (though Konnan was out of position, resulting in Eddie basically splashing him with his head), and the challenger grounds him in a headscissors. Konnan is able to counter into a modified toehold, then takes Eddie for a ride with a rolling German suplex, but Guerrero counters the second alarm with a victory cradle for two. Konnan with his own victory cradle for two, and a clothesline is worth two. Eddie counters a pop-up powerbomb with a rana for two, but Konnan takes him to splash mountain for two. Konnan heads up, so Eddie follows for another rana off the top, but this time gets shoved down to the floor, and Konnan dives with a sloppy tope. Konnan tries a vertical suplex from the apron, but Eddie slips free, so the champ clotheslines him down instead for two. He heads up again, but this time Eddie is able to vertical superplex him down for two. Flying Frogsplash, but Konnan slams him off, so Eddie rolls through into a cradle for two. He tries a Thesz-press, but ends up taking a headbutt to the groin in the process, and Konnan hooks the leg to retain at 18:26. Weak finish to an otherwise good match that, while sloppy at points, built a nice rhythm. *** ¼ (Original rating: * ¼)

Lord Steven Regal v Belfast Bruiser: Bruiser pounds him into the corner right away, so Regal uses a hiptoss for two, and starts laying in with European uppercuts. Bruiser responds with a big boot and an elbowdrop for two, followed by a short-clothesline for two. Boy, they're really teeing off on each other here. Regal takes him down in a facelock, then into a clutch, but Bruiser escapes, and headbutts him in the gut. They spill to the outside, where Bruiser drops Steven across the guardrail, then bashes his shoulder into the post. Bruiser works the shoulder on the way back in, where he grounds Regal in an armbar, but Regal fights free, and bootrakes him. Regal with a dropkick for two, and he goes to an overhead wristlock, but Bruiser slugs free, and grabs another armbar. Regal counters to a half-nelson, but Bruiser headbutts free, and drops a knee. Bodyslam sets up a senton splash for two, and Bruiser works a chinlock. Regal starts to escape, so Bruiser wrenches at the arm again, and clotheslines him down for two. Back to the outside, Bruiser rams him into the rail, but the referee intervenes as he goes for a chair, allowing Regal to throw a few kicks. Regal suplex-slams him off the apron to the floor to set up a flying elbowdrop from the apron, then back in for a headlock, but Bruiser counters with an armbar. Regal responds by straight up kicking him in the balls, but he can't hold Bruiser down for a pin, so he tries uppercutting him some instead. Sunset flip, but Bruiser blocks, and delivers a kneedrop. Elbowdrop misses, however, allowing Regal a two count, and he goes to a wristlock. Cross corner whip gets reversed, allowing Bruiser a backdrop, and he tries a crab, but Regal flips him over to block. Bruiser pops him in the nose to draw hardway blood, then works it with some turnbuckle smashes, but Regal monkeyflips him over the top. That allows the Blue Bloods to run out, and they attack Bruiser for a DQ at 17:28. This ran a little long for a match that the crowd wasn't particularly invested in, not to mention one with that stupid finish. It really didn't fit the tone of the match, either, with both guys beating the hell out of each other in a battle of wills, and then doing a cheap DQ finish. I do appreciate that this show has given us a Mexican style match and a European style match back-to-back, which makes for nice variety, if nothing else. * ¾ (Original rating: ¼*)

Intergender Match: Colonel Robert Parker v Madusa: Steve Austin's former managers explode! Parker chokes her in the corner a couple of times to start, but Madusa is fiery, and keeps coming back for more. She manages a takedown, so of course, Parker is immediately complaining that she pulled the tights. Or, dress pants, in this case, I suppose. Parker with an airplane spin, but Madusa counters with a sunset flip for two, and she bodyslams him - Parker's dizzy ass falling out of the ring. He tries to bail, but Dick Slater talks him into going back in, where he immediately starts choking her again. Elbowdrop misses, however, allowing Madusa a pair of 2^nd rope flying dropkicks, and Parker bails again. Madusa dives after him with a flying bodypress (with Parker falling the wrong way as he sells), and then back inside to finish with a bridging German suplex, but Slater pulls her ankle to break the bridge - allowing Parker to fall on top for the pin at 3:46. Nothing as a match, but quick and fine for what it was meant to be. ¼* (Original rating: DUD)

Career v Lottery Winnings Match: Diamond Dallas Page v Booty Man: Page looks like a raggedy Muppet tonight, while Booty looks like a fitness guru. Of course, today Page actually is a fitness guru. DDP stalls to start, and they take turns working the crowd for alternating reactions like it's a house show. Booty works a wristlock, so Page tries a charge, but Booty dodges, and Dallas takes a bump over the top off of a punch. That leads to more stalling from DDP, so Booty chases him in the aisle, and drags him back into the ring, but misses a charge. Page tries taking over, but Booty reverses a series of turnbuckle smashes, and Dallas is so dazed that he falls out of the ring, and rams himself into the post before falling over the rail and into the crowd. Page is basically wrestling himself here. Booty goes after him on the floor, and speaking of 'booty,' Kimberly bounces out to ringside as they head back in. Dallas grabs a headlock, but Booty forces a criss cross, which ends up Page getting decked, and left hanging on the ropes like Andrade Almas. Another criss cross sees Booty botch what was supposed to be him missing a bodypress, so they redo it like a couple of amateurs, and Page takes over. DDP with a side suplex for two, and he grounds Booty in a chinlock, as Kimberly pulls for the butt dude. If you look out at the crowd, literally every male has his eyes glued to Kim, which leads me to wonder: if these two have a terrible match, but no one sees it, is it still a terrible match? This chinlock drags on forever, until Booty tries a bodypress, but gets dropped across the top rope instead. Maybe stop trying bodypresses? Page decides to stop and force himself on Kimberly, but that allows Booty to recover with the high knee for the pin at 16:00. What a stupid finish? Like, really, your career and millions of dollars in lottery winnings is on the line, and you stop to mess with Kim before finishing the guy off? Page's retirement was so serious that he'd win BattleBowl at the very next pay per view. This was like watching a Brutus Beefcake/Honky Tonk Man house show match from 1988. Except on pay per view. In 1996. Though, at least they upgraded to Kimberly from Peggy Sue. ¼* (Original rating: -½*)

#1 Contender's Match: Giant v Loch Ness: Giant goes at him hard at the bell, beating Loch Ness into the corner, and bootchoking him. Loch Ness fires back with some headbutts, but Giant reverses a turnbuckle smash, only to miss a stinger splash, and take a big bump over the top. The cameraman standing right in the corner where Giant charged really made for a neat visual there. Inside, Loch Ness drops an elbow, but a second one misses, and Giant clotheslines him to set up a legdrop at 2:34. Wow, he really earned that title shot, huh? ¼* (Original rating: DUD)

Chicago Street Fight: Sting and Booker T v The Road Warriors: Booker is subbing for Lex Luger here, who got shuffled into the main event instead. What a let down too, since this was one of the only matches that had any real intrigue going into this show. I'd totally forgotten about the switch, and even all these years later I felt letdown after watching all the buildup on Nitro. They don't even make it to the ring before the action starts, and once inside, Sting goes for the Stinger Splash early, but Animal blocks with a boot. He corners Sting for a ten-punch as Hawk backdrops Booker on the floor, and they switch dance partners. Booker hits Animal with the axekick while Hawk hammers Sting on the outside, as WCW makes use of their super annoying split screen that uses half the available screen space on the logo. Like I've said in the past, that's annoying enough watching this on today’s massive HD TVs, let alone on the small screens most people had in 1996. Booker piledrives Hawk on the floor, but he no-sells, and hits a clothesline, as Sting splashes Animal in the ring. Booker throws a superkick at Hawk as Animal fires off a clothesline at Sting for two, and this whole thing feels like there's a lot of action going on, but it's very hard to get invested in anything. It's just kind of guys trading stuff, but without the intensity of some other Street Fights (like the one from Slamboree '94, say), and without the benefits derived from the standard tag match format. Sting grabs a chair and goes to town on both Warriors, but stupidly discards it, and Animal does the same. Why would you put that shit down? Just keep hitting people with it until they're done, or the chair is broken beyond all recognition. Sting manages a piledriver on Hawk, but he no-sells that one as well, and delivers a powerbomb. You'd think guys would quit trying to piledrive Hawk at some point. Sting and Hawk spill into the crowd for a bit, as they continue the split screen despite all four guys being within spitting distance of each other. WCWs production team always sucked. Hawk gets way out of position as Sting tries a dive on the way back into the ring, but the Stinger Splash misses anyway, and Hawk clotheslines him to set up a fistdrop. Booker dives in with a flying high knee at Hawk, but it knocks him into the ropes, preventing a cover. Booker goes for a German suplex next, but Hawk counters to a side suplex, as this thing is starting to drag badly. Even the really intense tag street fights usually don't go much over ten minutes, and this one ain't exactly really intense. Sting tries a flying splash on Animal, but misses, as Hawk tries a flying bodypress on Booker, but gets knocked out of the sky with a dropkick. The announcers note that this is 'everything it was advertised to be,' which is so wrong I can't even handle it. The Warriors are looking blown up as fuck here, to the point where Animal can't even properly position himself for stuff. Booker manages to vertical suplex is ass, but Animal pops up and does the same, as Sting drops Hawk crotch-first across the top rope on their way back to the outside. Booker tries the Harlem sidekick, but Animal ducks, resulting in Booker getting crotched on the top. This match really needs two referees, considering falls count anywhere. Gorilla Monsoon would be losing his shit watching this. Hawk drills Booker with a flying clothesline, so Booker puts him in a weak camel clutch, as Sting reverse chinlocks Animal. Get what they're going for, but swing and a miss there. Hawk clotheslines Booker over the top as Sting bodyslams Animal, but gets powerslammed while trying a flying bodypress. Animal was out of position yet again there. This desperately needs to go home. Out on the floor, Booker drops Hawk with a DDT, but the referee is in the ring at the time, so it only gets two by the time he notices, and is able to make the count. Everyone continues on trading shots, with little in the way of direction, peppering in various weapons from time to time. Sting finds a broom and uses that for a while, but Animal steals it, and the Warriors go to work like them boys owe 'em money. Hawk hits Sting with a flying splash for two, as Booker and Animal brawl backstage. They come upon Lex Luger back there (primping in the mirror, in a nice touch), and Animal ends up getting stomped down by both Luger and Stevie Ray, then left tied to a post. This allows Booker to rush back down to the ring, where he's able to use the two-on-one advantage to hit Hawk with a sidewalk slam, but misses the Harlem Hangover. No matter, here comes Stevie Ray with a chair, and he whacks Hawk for Booker to pin at 29:36. Couldn't they have done that same finish after ten minutes? This was really long, really directionless, and basically felt like it limped across the finish line. * (Original rating: DUD)

Main Event: Doomsday Cage Match: Ric Flair, Lex Luger, Arn Anderson, Kevin Sullivan, Meng, Barbarian, Z-Gangsta, and Ultimate Solution v Randy Savage and Hulk Hogan: The 'Doomsday Cage' is set up near the entrance, and features three levels of steel cages (one stacked on top of another all the way to the ceiling) with a full sized ring on the bottom level. The middle cage is broken up into two, side-by-side compartments. The object of the match is for Hogan and Savage to start at the top, and fight their way through all the levels to get down into the ring, and then get a pinfall or submission to end the thing. If that sounds overly complicated/stupid/like Donkey Kong, well, that's simply because it is. The top level contains Flair and Anderson, and they get right into fighting it out. The layout doesn't really lend itself to working spots, as they're pretty literally trapped in a chicken cage, and since they're standing on mesh wire as well (it's literally three stacked cages), they can't even walk properly (think Mick Foley on top of the Hell in a Cell in '98). It's also really hard to figure out what's going on while watching on TV, so I can only imagine what it was like sitting in the crowd for this, in the days before they had giant screens to watch. They trade punches and half-hearted clotheslines, and Anderson/Flair lock on stereo figure fours. Hogan and Savage reverse, and then throw handfuls of powder to allow themselves to escape to the next level. That puts them in with Luger, Sullivan, and the Faces of Fear - so Hogan grabs a shiv, and starts getting stabby. Hogan eventually padlocks the Faces in one half of the middle cage, and brawls with Sullivan (excited to be able to, for the first time in his career, look out over a crowd) onto the scaffolding they used to get into the cage, with Kevin teasing a fall. They end up on the floor, brawling back to the main ring for Hogan to properly abuse him, with Luger and Savage eventually joining them. Kinda defeats the purpose of the match, but I can see why they did it, since 85% of the crowd can't see what's going on in the cage, and you generally want to be able to visually discern at least one of the main eventers for a couple of seconds when you shell out for pay per view tickets. Hogan and Savage have a pretty easy time with them, so Z-Gangsta and Ultimate Solution (Hitler's answer to Hulkamania!) drag them back to Doomsday. They destroy the Mega Powers in the bottom, ring occupied level, and Z-Gangsta brings back the Hogan-choke out spot from 1989. Meanwhile, the referee forgets to lock (or even close) the door to the 'impenetrable' cage, so Anderson and Flair decide to walk right in to join in on the fun. Hogan and Savage get a pair of frying pans to comeback (Why not? The match is already a cartoon) so Luger joins in. He ends up turning on Flair (in the stupidest way possible, as he punches him when Savage ducks - a plan that relies a little too hopefully on Savage ducking) and Hogan and Savage exit the cage. Someone reminds them that it ends by pinfall though, so Savage runs back in to pin Flair (while the other heels just stand around and watch) at 25:19. This was certainly creative, but much like Piero Manzoni would tell you, just because you call it art, don't mean it ain't still shit. Ironically, while Hogan and Savage defeated the Alliance to End Hulkamania, this ended up pretty much being the end of Hulkamania (at least, for a couple of years) as Hogan disappeared from WCW programming not long after, not returning until forming the nWo over the summer as a heel. -* (Original rating: DUD)

BUExperience: Most of its less ‘terrible’ than it is simply ‘dull.’ Things actually start off well enough, but it falls off a cliff after the first few matches, and the fact that almost every bout is unnecessarily long didn’t do them any favors. With the exception of only two quickie matches, everything runs sixteen minutes or more. And that’s fine if you’ve got the right workers, but we’re not talking thirty minute Bret Hart and Shawn Michaels matches. We’re talking thirty minute Road Warrior matches, and sixteen minute Booty Man bore fests here. And then there’s that main event...

DUD