WWF WrestleMania XII (Version II)

Original Airdate: March 31, 1996

From Anaheim, California; Your Hosts are Vince McMahon and Jerry Lawler

Opening Six-Man Tag Team Match: Owen Hart, Davey Boy Smith, and Vader v Yokozuna, Jake Roberts, and Ahmed Johnson: If the babyfaces win, Yokozuna gets five minutes alone with Jim Cornette. Nice to see Vader not dressed like he's auditioning for Home Improvement, finally. The babyface team cleans house to start, and Ahmed punctuates it by diving after Vader with a tope suicida. You know, it says a lot about our culture at the time that Mr. Fuji has to carry around the American flag now that he's a babyface. Can't he just be a proud Japanese man who isn't a bad guy? Those aren't mutually exclusive. Dust settles on Vader and Yokozuna to start, and they slug it out. Over to Owen for an enzuigiri, but Yokozuna no-sells, and backelbows him down during a criss cross. He tries an avalanche, but Bulldog pulls his brother-in-law out of harms way, and they gang up to stomp the big man down. The heels go to work on Yokozuna, which is a weird choice for the heat segment. I mean, I guess it makes sense from a logical perspective (since Yoko had the main issue with the heels), but as a worker, that's the last guy you want your match to hinge on. Luckily, Yokozuna fights Vader off with a uranage, and passes to Ahmed. Johnson goes to town on all three heels, and powerslams Bulldog, but gets whacked from behind by Vader. Johnson dodges a sit-down splash and puts Vader down with a jumping clothesline, but stupidly heads into the heel corner, and gets pounded. He fights Davey off with a bodyslam anyway, but Owen flies in with a missile dropkick to prevent the Pearl River Plunge, then adds a leg-feed enzuigiri. Johnson clotheslines him to allow the tag to Jake, and he comes in with a series of jabs on Owen. Short-clothesline sets up the DDT, but Hart holds the top rope to block, so Jake uses a knee instead, but misses a cross corner charge. Roberts really should have been used exclusively in tag teams during this run, because he was good to pop a crowd when he gets the hot tag, and his limited offense is perfect for that. Bulldog grounds Jake in a brief front-facelock, before passing to Vader to work him over in the corner. Camp Cornette cut the ring in half, but Davey's Running Powerslam only gets two - which is kind of shocking considering they were going with him as Shawn's first challenger for the next few months. Smith is shocked as well, and ends up missing a legdrop, allowing the tag to Yokozuna. He comes in hot on Vader, and Roseanne Barr the door! Jake manages to plant Owen with the DDT he couldn't get earlier, but Cornette comes in to prevent a pin, and as Roberts handles him, he's drilled from behind by Vader - put down for the Vaderbomb at 13:11. Perplexing booking, considering half the point was Yoko getting his hands on Cornette. Decent match though, with a fair amount of energy, and the six-man layout masking a lot of weaknesses. It did feel like it went on for a bit too long, but it was okay overall. * ½ (Original rating: *)

Hollywood Backlot Brawl: Goldust v Roddy Piper: Goldust's WWF Intercontinental title is not on the line here. The idea here is that they battle on an actual Hollywood backlot - no more is really explained (To a pinfall? Submission? Ten count?), and we cut 'live' (it was pre-taped) to Piper standing in a alley with a baseball bat, waiting for Goldust. Conveniently, Goldust shows up at just that moment (dramatically screeching the tires of his gold Cadillac around a corner), only for Piper to smash the windows in, and start beating him with the bat. I always found it odd that they had a bunch of people standing around watching from the side of the alley. Roddy unloads on him before sending him into the catering table, then into a dumpster. This is just total destruction here thus far. Piper unloads with a trashcan next, then grabs a fire hose, and starts spraying it up Goldust's ass, until the champion ends up sprawled out on the hood of his Caddy. Piper pulls him off for a bodyslam onto the hood, followed by a fistdrop. Good thing they picked a classic Cadillac for his ride. Can you imagine trying to work spots on the hood of a Hyundai? Goldust fights him off with a low blow (his only successful offensive move thus far), then decides to really mess Piper's shit up by getting into his car, and running Roddy down with it! Goldust drives off from there, but Piper manages to recover enough to get behind the wheel of his white Ford Bronco, and he gives chase - which is where we leave it after 4:15 of action. To be continued.

Steve Austin v Savio Vega: Savio charges in, going at it with Austin right away. He manages a sidewalk slam before they spill to the outside, where Ted DiBiase tries a distraction, but Vega fights through it. Inside, Savio tries a backdrop, but Austin blocks, and throws him through the buckles into the post. Steve adds a pointed elbowdrop for two, then another one sets up an armbar. Vega fights to a vertical base, so Austin shifts to a hammerlock, but Savio escapes with a spinkick for two - as Piper calls in from his cell phone to update us on his chase with Goldust. Steve fights Savio off for another trip to the post, and a snapmare sets up a reverse chinlock, but Vega snapmares out of it. Austin takes a shot at the injured shoulder to cut him off though, and it's down to the mat for another armbar. Savio tries to escape, but Austin blocks him this time, and delivers a 2^nd rope pointed elbowdrop for two. Savio fires back with a bodypress for two, but Steve wins a criss cross with a Thesz-press, so Vega counters the mounted punches with a cradle for two. Reversal sequence ends in Austin able to block a backslide due to the bad shoulder, so Savio throws a spinheel kick, as he cut to a split screen showing 'live footage' of Piper's white Bronco speeding down the California highway. I know pretty much everyone hated that gag, but I always got a kick out of it. Vega tries a 2^nd rope flying splash, but Austin lifts his knees to block - only to have a bodyslam countered with a small package for two! Savio's fiery tonight! Steve manages the slam on his second try, but an attempt at a flying pointed elbowdrop ends badly when Vega lifts his boot to block. Savio starts making a comeback, but ends up accidentally whacking the referee while trying a spinheel kick, allowing DiBiase to pass Austin the Million Dollar Belt. Steve bashes him with it, and he puts Vega's limp carcass in a chinlock, but there's still no referee! DiBiase thinks fast, reviving him by pouring a cup of cold soda over his head, and Vega is done at 10:08. This was actually a lot better than I remember it being, with lots of sequences building off of earlier ones, and a good pace. Would it have killed him to put Savio in the Million Dollar Dream at the end, though? ** ¾ (Original rating: * ¼)

Hunter Hearst Helmsley v Ultimate Warrior: HHH's valet is a still unnamed Sable, in what would be her debut angle. It says a lot about where the promotion stood at this stage that apparently a lot of the casuals in attendance showed up mostly to see Warrior make his return, with little regard for the rest of the card. Hunter attacks while Warrior is still making his entrance, and lands the Pedigree, but it gets no-sold. Hunter keeps on him, but Warrior is in full no-sell mode, and starts throwing clotheslines. Jumping shoulderblock leads to a press-slam, and a splash to the back finishes at 1:39. That was quite the return, though Warrior felt immediately out of place in this version of the WWF, like right from the moment he came through the curtain. It really wasn't all that long since he'd last been a part of the promotion, but things had changed so dramatically and rapidly since then that it felt like he was an old timer. I do get why they'd give it a try with him though, considering he was a lot more recognizable to casual fans than most of their top guys at the time, especially with Bret Hart, Diesel, and Razor Ramon's impending exits set to leave a pretty massive hole at the top of the card. DUD (Original rating: DUD)

Diesel v Undertaker: Big slugfest to start, controlled by Diesel into a cross corner whip, followed in with a clothesline. Diesel tries is a second time, but Undertaker lifts his boot to block, and he clotheslines Big Daddy Cool down. They spill to the outside, where Undertaker dominates, and he tries the Tombstone on the way back in, but Diesel escapes. Undertaker uses a bodypress for two instead, and manages the ropewalk forearm, but the jumping clothesline misses. Diesel tries to capitalize, but gets his throat snapped across the top rope, and Undertaker sends him over the top. He follows to send Big Daddy Cool into the post, but he misses a swing with a chair, and Diesel whips him into the guardrail. Diesel rams him into the post a few times next, but Undertaker beats the count anyway, so Diesel hits him with a big boot. Sidewalk slam gets two, and the snake-eyes sets up the straddling ropechoke. Into the corner, Diesel unloads, but a charge misses, and they slug it out again - ending in both guys simultaneously throwing big boots for a double knockout spot. Diesel is able to get the better of things with a corner whip into a bearhug, but 'Taker escapes with a side suplex, and throws a flying clothesline for two. Backdrop, but Diesel is able to counter with the Jackknife! He opts to gloat instead of cover, however, and Undertaker sits up. Diesel responds with a second Jackknife, but again, no cover. When he finally gets around to it, Undertaker is ready with a choke. He holds that as he powers to a vertical base, but Diesel manages a side suplex to buy time. He stupidly wastes time gloating again, allowing Undertaker to recover, and hit a jumping clothesline. Chokeslam follows, and the Tombstone finishes at 16:47. Impressive power display on both counts there. This is one that I think people tend to overrate. It's perfectly okay, and certainly surpassed all expectations at the time, but it doesn't really hold up as a particularly good or notable match, and had lots of slow spots. * ¾ (Original rating: **)

Hollywood Backlot Brawl: Goldust v Roddy Piper: It's Hollywood, of course they pumped out a sequel! Roddy nearly runs Goldust down with his car on his way into the building, but the golden one manages to get away and hide with Marlena. Piper is hot on his tale, however, stalking him from backstage all the way down the aisle and into the ring. Why did he drive to a building where thousands of people are inside, calling for his blood? That's like a police chase ending with the guy pulling up to the courthouse. Goldust manages to attack the knee to get control, and he drops a leg to the groin to soften Piper up for a piledriver - complete with Goldust fondling Roddy's ass in the process. Piper manages to block the piledriver anyway, so Goldust uses a low blow instead, and rips off Roddy's t-shirt to choke him with. He gets on top of Piper and starts rubbing him, but a trip to the top rope ends in Goldust getting crotched, and Piper starts flipping out. He grabs Goldust by the balls to lead him around the ring, then drops a knee down there before slapping his ass some. He strips Goldust of his bodysuit (revealing lingerie), and Roddy adds another knee to the balls, at which point Goldust bails up the aisle to end it at 7:22 (or 11:37 total). So, I guess to answer the earlier question, it's a fight until one guy gets stripped near naked, and has his bare ass smacked. This worked in terms of delivering what was promised and paying off the angle, but it wasn't really a match. It's worth noting that we're less than an hour and a half into this show, and we're down to only the main event. Compare that to this years WrestleMania, where the fourth match of the night (of eleven) was only getting started at around the ninety minute mark. Can you imagine if they decided to run an Iron Man at a modern WrestleMania? We'd be in for a seven hour show! ½* (Original rating: * ¼)

Main Event: WWF Title Iron Man Match: Bret Hart v Shawn Michaels: They've pretty much been promising no less than the greatest match of all time leading up to this, so to say expectations are high would be putting it very mildly. Feeling out process to start, as both guys fight to avoid getting tied up in a hold. Some nice exchanges here, with Michaels using speed to shake Hart off whenever Bret tries to ground him, until a frustrated Hart learns to block the counter, and wrenches Shawn to the mat in a headlock. Really basic stuff in terms of moves, but really psychologically sound, and tells a story. Hart keeps that headlock on through various escape attempts, so Shawn tries to roll back into a cradle, but Bret keeps it on through his kick out at two. Shawn manages to escape with a hiptoss, but a reversal sequence sees Hart counter Michaels' attempt at a headscissors with another headlock. Shawn starts to escape, so Bret shifts to a front-facelock, then uses Michaels' next escape attempt against him by forcing him back into a headlock. Michaels forces a criss cross, and is able to catch Bret with a pair of armdrags into an armbar, but Hart forces another criss cross, and uses a drop-toehold to take Shawn down for another headlock - only for Michaels to counter into a hammerlock. Again, really basic stuff, but the level of the work is all top notch. Bret powers into the corner to try and escape, but Shawn uses a headscissors to send the champion to the outside, and Hart hangs out down there for a bit to regroup. Back in, Shawn manages to use a fireman's carry into an armbar, but Hart quickly escapes, and tries to return the favor from earlier by dumping Michaels out of the ring - only for Shawn to skin the cat, and rush him with a hammerlock. Hart forces another criss cross to free himself, and this time tries a more direct approach: bashing Michaels with a knee, then nailing him in the crotch. He puts the grounded challenger in a chinlock, but Shawn manages to escape, and takes Bret down in a fujiwara armbar. This is slow, and they're losing a lot of the live crowd with it (especially casuals), but it would be inaccurate to say that there's no action. It's not a style fans were accustomed to seeing in PPV main events in 1996, but it's definitely not boring. Hart escapes and shoots for the Sharpshooter, but Michaels scrambles into the ropes before he can get it on, so Bret sends him over the top with a clothesline. He follows to send Shawn into the post, but Michaels reverses, leaving Hart sprawled out in the timekeepers lap. Michaels quickly capitalizes with the Superkick, but Hart dodges, and the challenger ends up taking out the timekeeper in the process. Bret's able to force him inside for a chinlock as the poor timekeeper gets carried out, wrenching it on as he works to keep his challenger grounded.

Twenty minutes in and Shawn manages to escape and use a dropkick to daze Bret for another armdrag into an armbar, but Hart starts to fight, so Shawn goes to an armbreaker instead, then a hammerlock. Hart powers into the corner and uses European uppercuts to escape, but Shawn reverses a cross corner whip into a short-knee, and he throws Hart into the post. Michaels bashes the Hitman's arm into the post before delivering a shoulderbreaker, then adds a 2^nd rope flying axehandle to the shoulder. Hammerlock-slam and a few rams into the turnbuckles follow, and he keeps pounding the shoulder with axehandles. Armbar, but Hart throws rights to block, so Shawn drops him with a single-arm DDT instead, then takes him to the mat in a cross-armbreaker. Bret fights free, so Shawn snapmares him down to try a fujiwara armbar instead, but Bret loosens his grip with a few fists, then breaks free with a hotshot. Catapult into the corner gets two, as I realize that's one of the first actual covers of the match thus far, nearly a half hour in. Forget not giving up any falls, they haven't even really made pin attempts at the half way mark! Bret tries a turnbuckle smash, but Shawn reverses, only to miss a stinger splash, and get pounded in the corner. Hart with an inverted atomic drop to set up a clothesline for two, and a bulldog sets up something off the top, but Shawn is up to try and slam him off. Bret blocks by riding Michaels down to the mat with his knee, but they clobber the referee in the process, and Shawn is able to capitalize by recovering with a powerslam for two. Backdrop, but Hart counters with a gorgeous piledriver for two, and adds a legdrop. That's enough to make him feel comfortable about going back to the top to try whatever again, but we don't get to find out what it is that he wants to do so damn badly, because Shawn slams him off. Rana follows, and a series of elbowsmashes lead to a backbreaker for two. Backelbow sets up the Superkick, but Bret bails to the outside to avoid it, so Michaels dives after him with a flying bodypress instead! Shawn rolls him in for another flying bodypress, but Hart rolls through for two, and a reversal sequence ends in Michaels hooking a small package for two. Bridging fisherman's suplex gets the challenger two, so he tries a sleeper, but Bret keeps fighting. He uses a side suplex to escape, but Michaels manages to backflip onto his feet, and he corner whips the champion - only to get backdropped over the top as he tries charging, taking out some camera guys in the process! That was a pretty wild bump, like straight over the post, and it would almost certainly warrant a countout at near forty minutes, but Bret stupidly goes after him to ram him into the post instead of pocketing the point. I get (and agree with) their logic that two top guys shouldn't be giving up a million falls to each other, but that doesn't mean they have to shoot themselves in the foot either. Shawn did it earlier too, after the flying bodypress on the outside. Like, why are you forcing him in when you could easily get a countout? And what's worse, Bret doesn't even cover after taking it inside!

Forty minutes in, Hart hammers the back, and sends Shawn hard into the corner with a whip. 2^nd rope elbowsmash connects, followed by a backbreaker. That looked awkward, like Shawn thought they were doing something else. Bret goes to town on the back in the corner, and a whip flips Shawn over the buckles, so Hart follows him up with a side superplex for two. Reverse chinlock, but Shawn escapes and tries a sunset flip for two, but the back slows down any follow up, allowing Hart to drill him. Bret takes him upstairs for a superplex, but Shawn blocks, only to have a flying axehandle blocked with a gutpunch. Bret follows up with a Russian legsweep for two, and a cross corner whip sees Michaels flip over the top to the floor - taking out Jose Lothario in the process! For those keeping score, Shawn is now responsible for taking out the timekeeper, a cameraman, and his own manager. Nobody is safe! Bret whips him into the steps out there, then inside with a belly-to-belly suplex for two. I like how both guys are using stuff you don't see from them often. Unfortunately, they've lost most of the crowd, and people are doing line dancing in the stands to entertain themselves. That's not good. Hart with a few uppercuts in the corner to set up a vertical suplex, but Shawn counters with a rollup for two, only to get knocked out of the ring with the force of the kick out. Bret is on him with a tope out there, and this time he's smart enough to leave him out there to take the count, but Shawn beats it in. See, that I'm perfectly fine with. Hart is ready with another vertical suplex, but Shawn slips free again, so Hart goes to a bridging German suplex for two instead. Shawn won't stay down, leading to a slugfest where Hart is attacking from a vertical base, but Michaels keeps slugging from his knees. One guess who wins that particular contest. Bret goes to another reverse chinlock as we wind down to the last ten minutes, but Shawn escapes, and a criss cross results in a double knockout spot. Michaels is up first, and slugs him into the corner, but Bret is able to gain control, and he hits a vertical superplex. Sharpshooter, but Shawn is able to block the attempt, so Bret tries for a figure four instead. He seems confused about how to apply it though, and ends up using a half-crab instead. That's surprising. Shawn makes the ropes, so Bret drills him with a backbreaker to set up a 2^nd rope pointed elbowdrop, but Shawn lifts his boot to block - about five minutes remaining. Michaels with a dropkick and a cross corner whip, so Hart tries whipping him into the ropes to cut the comeback off, but Michaels lands a jumping forearm. Jumping backelbow follows, and a bodyslam leads to a flying axehandle for two. Snap suplex sets up a flying elbowdrop for two, and a gutwrench powerbomb leads to a flying moonsault press for two. 2^nd rope flying rana into a cradle gets two, and a bodyslam sets up a flying dropkick, but Bret catches him in the Sharpshooter! Awesome spot there, and with thirty seconds left, Shawn is in trouble! Hart wrenches it on as the clock runs down, but can't get the submission before time expires with a draw at 60:00. But, of course, we all know what happens next, as President Gorilla Monsoon rules that the match will go to sudden death overtime until we have a winner. Bret argues the decision, but Monsoon holds firm, as Shawn struggles to get off the mat. Bret's unhappy, but he focuses up, and starts hammering the back. Backdrop and a backbreaker hit, but Shawn avoids the buckles on a cross corner whip, and he plants a Superkick on the champion! He's too battered to cover though, and both guys stagger up, with Shawn landing a second Superkick - this time falling on top to win the title at 61:55. This one has a reputation for being boring, but that's really not very accurate. It’s undeniably slow, but there was a lot of interesting stuff going on during those slower portions if you can appreciate the style. It's definitely something of an acquired taste though, and even if you do enjoy it, you really have to be in the right mood to watch it. It's one of the few matches I can think of that I'd rate this highly, but don't find myself looking to revisit often. In fact, I find myself liking it less each time out. In 1996, I thought it was the greatest match I’d ever seen. By the early 2000s, I could see flaws in it, but still ranked it at a near perfect four-and-three-quarter-stars. In 2013, I dropped it down to four-stars. This thing reminds me of gourmet cuisine. A Michelin starred restaurant with world class chefs may make the best hinava around, but most people are still going to order the steak. They honestly would have been far better off moving the tag title match to the main show, and simply doing regular match that happened to go for a half hour. I wouldn't be surprised if they could have pulled off the best match of all time under those circumstances, and it's honestly a little annoying that we were robbed of it before their personal differences made it impossible for them to work together later. *** ¾ (Original rating: ****)

BUExperience: It’s far from the greatest and far from the worst, but it does deliver. The wrestling is pretty strong throughout, the babyfaces go over in all the big matches, and the event feels ‘important.’ That said, it’s really weighed down by the main event. Which is a shame, because they probably could have had the greatest match in history with different booking. And then we’d be having an entirely different conversation.

It’s also funny that, on a show where the theme is so heavily associated with Hollywood, there wasn’t a single celebrity appearance. I get that they wanted to put more focus on the wrestlers themselves, but it’s just weird to think that they packed WrestleMania XI (in Hartford Connecticut, of all places) with celebs, but the one in Southern California doesn’t warrant a single one.

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