WWE Hell in a Cell (October 2009)

Original Airdate: October 4, 2009

                                                           

From Newark, New Jersey; Your Hosts are Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler (RAW); Jim Ross and Todd Grisham (Smackdown)

Opening World Heavyweight Title Hell in a Cell Match: CM Punk v Undertaker: Punk tries blitzing him at the bell, but that goes badly, so he goes to plan B: run. Unfortunately, being locked in a cage kind of limits the effectiveness of plan B, and the champion gets killed. Punk manages to hide underneath the ring long enough to shake the challenger off for a bit, and he dropkicks the steps into Undertaker's leg to slow him down. The shaky camera work is really, really bad here. One of the worst examples I think I've ever seen. Punk works the leg for a bit, but gets thrown into the cage from the apron while trying a bulldog, and Undertaker gives him the guillotine legdrop. Punk shakes him off and hits a tope, and somehow this leads to a staggered slugfest on their knees like we're twenty minutes in. At five minutes. Undertaker wins that, and hits a legdrop for two. Chokeslam, so Punk strikes at the leg to block, but Undertaker blocks a GTS. Punk responds by clipping the leg, and he goes under the ring to get a chair. Why is there a working monitor under the ring that is displaying the match? Punk hits him with a chair for two, but a knee in the corner ends badly when Undertaker catches him in a powerbomb for two. Ropewalk forearm, but Punk pulls him off, catching the challenger with a knee for two on the way down. Punk charges with the chair again, but this time Undertaker blocks with a boot, and he hits the chokeslam. Tombstone finishes at 10:26. There was very little to this one, with Undertaker pretty much steamrolling him. *

 

WWE Intercontinental Title Match: John Morrison v Dolph Ziggler: Dolph's tan is pretty outrageous here. Like 0.8 Hogan. They feel each other out on the mat to start, doing some nice chain wrestling. John lands a dropkick for two to get control, and he capitalizes with a bodyslam to set up a legdrop for two. The champ works a chinlock from there, but Ziggler powers to a vertical base, and delivers a forearm to the neck for two. That allows the challenger to work his own chinlock, but John escapes, and springboards with a flying bodypress for two. Another dropkick sets up a split-legged twisting moonsault, but Ziggler dodges, and he hammers the champ with rights for two. Ziggler with a dropkick of his own for two, and he works a cravat, but Morrison slugs free. Criss cross allows John to try a comeback, but Ziggler quickly cuts him off with a powerslam for two, and the challenger adds a somersault necksnap. Corner whip sets up a corner splash for two, and a bodyslam is worth two - Morrison getting frustrated, but unable to fight off the attack. Ziggler with a few fireman's carry slams to continue messing with him, but John fights off a backbreaker attempt with a DDT. Both guys stagger up for a slugfest, and it's comeback time for the champion! Standing shooting star press is worth two, but Ziggler counters a suplex with a rollup for two. Morrison with a schoolboy for two, leading to a reversal sequence that ends in Ziggler hitting a chincrusher for two. He takes John up for a superplex, but Morrison knocks him off with rights, and uses a catapult into the corner for two. Springboard bodypress misses, however, allowing Ziggler a bridging German suplex for two. Rocker dropper gets two, but a corner charge hits boot. That allows Morrison to try the split-legged moonsault again, but Ziggler catches him in an inverted powerslam for two. Zig Zag, but Morrison holds the ropes to block, and the split-legged twisting moonsault retains at 15:42. I liked this! It told a story, the spots were good, both guys worked hard - good stuff. ***

 

WWE Diva's Title Match: Mickie James v Alicia Fox: They fight hard over the initial lockup, but it ends in a stalemate. Fox wins the next go by grabbing a wristlock, but Mickie manages a takedown for two, and she grabs a wristlock of her own. Monkeyflip rattles Alicia, and Mickie capitalizes with a snapmare to set up a seated dropkick for two. Neckbreaker sets up a dive, but Fox recovers, and brings the champ off the middle for two. Fox goes to work with a modified chinlock, but James fights free, so Fox delivers a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker for two. She works a bodyscissors, but Mickie escapes, and this time is able to start making a comeback. Mickie with a flying Thesz-press, but Fox counters the follow-up with a bridging northern lights suplex. But then Mickie just wrecks her with a nasty DDT to retain at 5:19. This wasn't terrible, though it felt like Mickie was getting blown up. ¾*

 

WWE Unified Tag Team Title Match: Chris Jericho and Big Show v Batista and Rey Mysterio: Chris and Rey start, and Jericho is quick to pound him down, but Rey wins a criss cross, and uses a monkeyflip. Headscissors sets up the 619, but Jericho dodges, so Rey uses a springboard moonsault press for two instead. Tag to Batista to blast Chris with a shoulderblock, and a corner whip sets up a corner clothesline. Batista hammers the champion in the corner, and then whips Rey into him for a seated dropkick for two. Batista with a backelbow and a vertical suplex for two, and he tags Rey for a flying splash off his shoulders for two. Rey and a big man as a tag team... it works every. damn. time. Chris finally manages to break free long enough to tag Show, but Rey won't back down! He comes at the monster with strikes, landing a few, but then getting dropped in short order. Well, you knew that was coming. Show casually beats on him until Rey falls out of the ring, but Mysterio beats the count with some encouragement from Batista. Show welcomes him back in with a big boot, and now he's all softened up for Jericho to work over. Chris uses a catapult under the bottom rope for two, and he takes it to the mat with a full-nelson, but Rey fights free. He plants a leg-feed enzuigiri on Chris, but a 619 attempt goes poorly when Jericho throws a forearm for two. Should have went for the tag, bro. Chris tries a superplex, but Rey blocks, and he dives with a flying seated senton. That allows the tag to Batista, and he comes in hot - likely still fuming over not getting an invite to their WCW reunion. Front-powerslam looks to finish, but Jericho blocks, so Batista spears him instead. Batista Bomb, so Show comes in, but Batista chucks Chris at him to block the interference. Spinebuster on Jericho gets two, but another distraction from Show allows Chris the Codebreaker for two. Tag to Show for a Chokeslam, but Rey dives in to break up the cover at two. Batista is still in trouble, however, so Jericho tries putting him away with the Lionsault, but he misses. That allows the tag to Rey, and he comes in peppering Show with shots. Springboard flying seated senton doesn't work, so Rey uses a springboard flying DDT, and that puts the monster down for two. Show's kickout sent Rey flying like he was doing a Randy Savage Royal Rumble '93 impression, and I loved it. Both champs get dumped and speared by Batista on the floor, but Show beats the count in, allowing Rey the 619. Mysterio tries a springboard off the top to punctuate it, but Show swats him out of the air with a big right, and Rey is done at 13:43. You don't hear me say this too often with modern WWE, but I actually wish this was longer. The initial portion before the first heat segment felt like it needed some more, but I'd rather be left wanting more than have a match overstay its welcome, so no complaints. Good Costanza'ing. ** ¾

 

WWE Title Hell in a Cell Match: John Cena v Randy Orton: Orton tries running away to start, but it's just a trick to sucker Cena into chasing, and Randy pounds him once John gives up the high ground. That was a smart play by the challenger, and a dumb reaction from the champion. Just let him run around until he tires himself out. Clearly Cena is not a parent. John tries fighting him off with a quick Attitude Adjustment, but Orton slips free, and hits a powerslam for two. Slugfest goes John's way, but Orton fights off a comeback sequence, and sends Cena crashing into the cage. Randy follows to the outside to punish Cena with the steps, but John blocks an elevated DDT onto them, and backdrops his challenger on the floor. John chucks the steps at him out there, but Randy manages to dodge, and he hits Cena with an inverted headlock backbreaker for two on the way back inside. This has not been a very good or engaging wrestling match thus far. Orton tries a corner charge, but he hits boot, and John starts making a comeback. Five Knuckle Shuffle sets up the AA, but Orton slips over the top to block, and he snaps John's throat across the top rope on the way out. Orton quickly adds the rope-hung DDT for two, but Cena counters the RKO with an AA for two. John decides to take him to the middle rope to try another AA from there, but Orton counters with an electric chair for two. Randy takes him upstairs to try a superplex, but Cena blocks, only his follow-up (the flying rocker dropper) misses. Not sure why, but watching Cena land on his butt is legitimately hilarious to me. Orton grabs a chair to bash Cena with a couple of time, but that still only gets two. Maybe try a gun next time? I mean, if hitting a dude in the neck with the point of a chair doesn't slow him down, it might be time to up the ante. Play like a champion, Randy! Kneedrop, but Cena dodges, and Orton lands on the chair. That allows John to trap him in the STF, but the referee gets bumped, so it goes nowhere. Cena lets off to go revive the official, but that allows Orton to recover, and predictably hit the RKO. For two. Orton ties the champion up in the ropes to allow him to straight up try choking him out (complete with totally over the top facial expressions from both), and Cena is out like a light. Yeah, well, that'll do it. Apparently KOs don't matter in Hell in a Cell's, though, as the referee doesn't seem to give a shit. Randy lets him loose, hits the punt, and we have a new champion at 21:25. This was a really slow, plodding match, and the Cell never even factored in. Nothing about this needed over twenty minutes. ¾*

 

R-Truth v Drew McIntyre: McIntyre doesn't even look like a version of the same person he is in 2021 as in 2009. Drew tries grabbing a headlock right away, but R-Truth shakes him off, and hits a dropkick. R-Truth adds a hiptoss for two, as the announcers keep going on and on about R-Truth's quickness, and honestly? Not that quick. Drew fights him off in the corner, and a short-clothesline gets two, so he works a half-nelson. R-Truth fights free, but loses a slugfest, though a criss cross ends in a stalemate when both guys throw bodypresses at the same time. R-Truth recovers first and hits a bicycle kick for two, but an axekick misses. That allows Drew to try the double-arm DDT, but R-Truth counters with a somersault cradle for two. He takes Drew into the corner for a ten-punch, but gets fought off, and the DDT finishes for Drew at 4:36. This was just filler. ¼*

 

WWE United States Title Triple Threat Match: Kofi Kingston v Miz v Jack Swagger: First fall wins it here. Kofi holds both guys at bay in the early going, but only ends up unifying his challengers, and they work together to pound him down. That, of course, falls apart the moment the first pin attempt is made, and Kingston uses the opening to schoolboy Miz for two. Miz tries to form another alliance, but then immediately turns on Jack, and clotheslines him down. Miz goes up with a flying axehandle on Jack, and a neckbreaker on Kingston gets him two. I love how content Miz is to be a prick here, good heeling. Miz takes Kofi up for a superplex, but Jack pulls him off with an electric chair - punctuated by Kingston with a flying bodypress for two. Well, at least it wasn't the same old tower of doom spot we see in every other Triple Threat, give them that. Jack grabs Kingston with a belly-to-belly suplex for two, and he hangs Miz in a tree of woe for some abuse. Which somehow includes making him watch Swagger do pushups. But upside-down pushups. Does his cruelty know no end? Pump-splash on Miz gets two when Kingston breaks up the cover, and Kofi starts peppering Jack with quick strikes. Boom Drop on Swagger gets two when Miz breaks the cover, and he hits Kofi with the Skull Crushing Finale... only for Kingston to get into the ropes at two. I think Jack was supposed to help him into the ropes, but it didn't really work that way. Swagger hits Miz with a powerbomb, but then Kingston hits Swagger with Trouble in Paradise before he can cover, and the champ steals the pin on Miz at 7:54. This was just a bunch of stuff without any real story being told. ½*

 

Main Event: Hell in a Cell Match: Triple H and Shawn Michaels v Cody Rhodes and Ted DiBiase: Legacy attack during the entrances, and we get a brawl around ringside before the match officially begins. Legacy take HHH out on the ramp and drag Shawn into the Cell to officially start the match with a two-on-one advantage, making sure to chain the door shut to keep Hunter out of things. Well, at least they're actually taking advantage of the Cell, unlike the other two matches tonight. The heels pound the crap out of old man Michaels (seriously, despite being only 44, dude looks about a seventy), and they work the leg. HHH finally wakes up from his nap at the top of the ramp and starts heading down to help, as Shawn recreates his famous catapult into the Cell bump from 1997. Though at about half speed. And he botches landing on the cage like Spiderman, to boot. HHH makes it to ringside, but the locked door blocks his. Luckily Shawn is able to fight off both heels and start making a comeback on Ted, and he hits the Superkick, but Cody makes the save at two. Cody whacks Shawn with a chair for good measure, as HHH continues to pace around outside like a limp dick. He grabs a chair and tries beating the Cell door down, as Cody powerbombs Shawn into the cage, and Hunter is no closer to being able to help. Legacy continue to destroy Shawn with ease, until HHH finally figures out that hitting a door with a folding chair isn't going to break it down, and finds a pair of bolt cutters to cut his way in. Legacy are probably regretting not making a single pin attempt at some point in there. So HHH is in, and he runs wild, cumming all over the place. He sends Ted to the outside before locking the door shut, and it's revenge fantasy time on Cody. Sledgehammer finishes him at 18:04 (24:36 total). The concept and booking wasn't bad (you can't really go wrong booking Shawn taking an extended beating), but the match was way too long for what it was, and felt like it went on forever. ½*

 

BUExperience: All three Cell matches were utter disappointments, and while there were a few good matches on the undercard, neither approached ‘save-the-show good.’ So, don’t bother.

 

DUD