WWE Royal Rumble (January 2021)

Original Airdate: January 31, 2021

                                                          

From St. Petersburg, Florida; Your Hosts are Tom Phillips, Byron Saxton, and Samoa Joe (RAW); Michael Cole and Corey Graves (Smackdown)

Opening WWE Title Match: Drew McIntyre v Goldberg: Drew headbutts him before the bell even sounds, and he takes Goldberg to the outside for a whip into the steps, but Goldberg reverses. Goldberg spears the champion through the barricade out there, but Drew manages drags himself inside to officially start the match. Goldberg looks to finish him quick with another spear, but Drew counters with a Claymore for two. Another one, but Goldberg dodges, and hits a second spear. Third one follows for two, and the Jackhammer also only gets two. Another spear, but Drew dodges, and the Claymore finishes at 2:32 (4:15 total). This was a total videogame match - right down to the length - but the right guy went over. DUD

 

WWE Smackdown Women's Title Match: Sasha Banks v Carmella: Sasha goes for the Bank Statement right away, but Carmella gets away, and bails to the outside to regroup. Back in, Banks takes her back down in a waistlock, but Carmella fights to a vertical base, so Sasha slaps her around. Cue a distraction from Reginald, allowing Carmella to send Sasha flying into the announce table, and the challenger covers for two on the way back inside. Carmella goes to work, and I'm pretty sure Reginald has a real world crush on this girl. Those eyes don't lie. Carmella misses a corner charge to allow Sasha a slingshot kneesmash for two, and she goes for the three alarm rolling vertical suplex, but Carmella blocks the final one, and dumps the champion to the outside. She ends up landing in Reginald's arms, however, which somehow gets him ejected. Carmella capitalizes on the distraction anyway with a sloppy tope for two, and man, her neighbors must get really annoyed if she ever has good sex. The set of lungs on her, yo. Banks randomly makes a comeback, but the flying frogsplash hits the knees, and Carmella gets the Code of Silence on. Banks fights free, and she goes back up for another dive, but lands in a kick from Carmella for two. And Carmella is so shocked that this was somehow not the finish that Sasha just kind of puts her in the Statement to retain at 10:21. This was really disjointed and felt amateurish at times. *

 

#1 Contender's 30-Woman Royal Rumble Match: Jerry Lawler joins us for commentary on this one. Bayley and Naomi start us off. What if, instead of 'GLOW,' Naomi had 'the bee bit my bottom' printed on her ass? #3 is Bianca Belair, and I'm starting to feel like Brad Pitt in the Big Short with this promotion lately. Just stop fucking dancing. Belair's gear looks like pajamas I had when I was six. #4 is Billie Kay, as the announcers do a ridiculous oversell on a Belair elimination tease. Not even one foot came near the ground, keep it in your damn pants. Kay decides to do commentary instead of getting in the ring, which frankly, thank you. Shotzi Blackheart draws #5, complete with tank. I like how the referee's aren't even pretending to try and get Billie into the match. And, anyway, wasn't there a rule that if you don't get in by the time the next entrant does then you lose your place? Did I dream it? It should be a rule, either way. WWE Women's Tag Team Champion Shayna Baszler gets #6, and out of all the events and matches we've seen this year, none have suffered for a lack of crowd quite like a Rumble match. It's awkward without fans. Toni Storm gets #7, and never mind, save the bee tights for her. Shayna dumps Shotzi to give us our first elimination, as Jillian Hall enters at #8, looking more like a real estate office receptionist than a wrestler at this point. She somehow forms an alliance with Billie on the way out, and that finally draws Kay into the match. Poor Billie should really see a therapist. She's clearly still hurting over the breakup with Peyton. #9 is Ruby Riott, and the stupid Network keeps dying on me every five seconds. Come on, guys! Billie is finally in the match, why you gotta do me so dirty? Ruby actually comes in showing some fire compared to everyone else thus far, as co-dependant Billie shows her love for Jillian off to the world. Victoria gets #10, looking like she could absolutely still go, less than two weeks shy of her fiftieth birthday. She tries a standing moonsault, but Naomi kicks her out of the ring, though through the ropes. Oh no, we may have an Iron Sheik at WrestleMania X-7 booking issue, guys. Victoria going to WrestleMania? What a country. Peyton Royce draws #11, and holy shit, we get an IIconics reunion right away. Poor Jillian. TITO SANTANA gets #12! Oh, wait, no, that's Santana Garrett, apparently. No idea who that is, other than that she's not Tito Santana. She 32, and apparently was trained by Scott Hall and Larry Zbyszko, which is an interesting combination. Liv Morgan draws lucky #13, as Billie tries to win Jillian back over, but gets violently rebuffed. That gets Jillian dumped, but then Liv and Ruby dump Billie as well. #14 is Rhea Ripley, which hopefully means some of the deadwood is getting ready to fly. Why is she dressed like she's joining the Riott Squad, though? She dumps old rival Toni first, as Shayna gets rid of Victoria. Farewell, Iron Sheik. Ripley dumps Santana as #15 entrant Charlotte Flair comes out to play. She gets right into it with Rhea, as Bayley eliminates Riott. Dana Brooke draws #16, and are we sure that's not just Jillian Hall again? Surprisingly, she gets more shine during her entrance into the match than Charlotte did. Bayley dumps Morgan next, thus ending Ashley Massaro tribute night. Ripley had better stay away from Bayley if she knows what's good for her. #17 is Torrie Wilson, and she also comes in showing a lot of fire. Ripley dumps Dana, as Lacey Evans comes in at #18, wearing Ric Flair's robe to mess with Charlotte. That gets her pretty violently stomped by Charlotte once she gets into the ring. But, then, is there a non-violent way to get stomped? That's not on Charlotte. Royce gets caught in the crossfire and dumped, as Shayna ends Torrie's night, and Belair ends Bayley's. Path to victory for Ripley UNLOCKED! #19 is Mickie James, and she trades off with Charlotte. Nikki Cross draws #20, and the commentary is sounding very videogame-ish tonight. Between that, the opener, and the insane high def cameras they use for the entrances, we're just a half step away from me buying Elon's simulation theory. Alicia Fox gets #21, but gets interrupted by WWE 24/7 Champion R-Truth, who's being chased by a bunch of guys after his title. That ends in Fox rolling him up to win the title mid-match, as #22 draw Mandy Rose joins the fray. She tosses Fox right away, allowing R-Truth to pin her on the floor to win back his title. Well, kind of served Alicia right for trying to pin Mandy in a battle royal. Mandy is for everyone, damn you. Dakota Kai gets #23, as Lacey dumps Mickie. Out of the corner of my eye, I honestly mixed Lacey and Charlotte up, which adds yet another disgusting layer to this angle. Carmella draws #24, and she didn't even bother changing her gear from earlier, though she looks fresh. Getting back into sweaty clothes after a shower has to be one of the things that most disgusts me, she is now a heel to me. Tamina gets #25, and that's it for Carmella. Good, go shower. Again. Belair dumps Naomi, but she lands with her legs in the air, thus saving herself. She manages to flip up to get back into the match, as Lana joins the party at #26. Why does she look like she's about to cry? Is it about Shower-Gate? Because, if it is, I understand. #27 is Alexa Bliss, and the intervals seem to be getting longer, which is not a good thing. I like Alexa, but she's not believable as someone who can win a battle royal. She tries summoning a demon, but Ripley don't play that shit, and dumps her. Oooh, she's so cursed. #28 is Ember Moon, and she's bringing mullets back! Now I'm getting Charlotte and Lana mixed up, this is too much. WWE Women's Tag Team Champion Nia Jax gets #29, and a hole lotta people get dumped. A whole wide world of ear related humor. She pretty quickly turns on partner Shayna, which is dumb, considering they still have tons of people they can work together to eliminate. Natalya gets #30 to round out the field, as Lana gets a fluke elimination of Nia. She and Shayna beat up Natalya in the aisle, and then just come back in to keep beating on people, despite being eliminated. And, just like with Billie earlier, the officials don't seem to really give a shit. Like, they're yelling about it from the floor, but not a one of them is even trying to intervene. Natalya dumps Lana, and we're down to Bianca Belair, Rhea Ripley, Charlotte Flair, and Natalya as our final four. One guess who's going out first there. Did you guess Natalya? Then you guessed right! Walk into your momma's room and say it! Lots of sign pointing going on in there right now, but no amount of finger extending saves Flair. Why is she laughing after getting eliminated? Belair and Ripley do an awkward tease of a double elimination, looking especially weird because Rhea is so tall. And then Belair dumps her for real at 57:54. Told ya Alexa was totally cursing her ass. I had fun just kind of goofing around with this, but it wasn't a particularly good Rumble match, and felt long. The final sequence was pretty good, though. * ¾

 

WWE Universal Title Last Man Standing Match: Roman Reigns v Kevin Owens: I know it's killed, like, two million people, but the fact that we have to suffer that ugly pirate WrestleMania logo twice might be the worst thing COVID is responsible for. Reigns with a Superman Punch right away, but Kevin beats the count. Owens hits the Pop-Up Powerbomb, but Reigns beats the count, and bails. Owens follows to send the champ into the post, but a whip into the steps gets reversed on him, and Reigns hits a spear on the floor. Reigns bashes him with the steps a few times, and we spill into the 'crowd,' where Kevin fights him off with a superkick. Like most Last Man Standing matches, this one is already getting on my nerves with all the stops to do the counts really killing the momentum. They fight onto one of the platforms holding the giant screens displaying the virtual fans, where Reigns gets hold of a chair, and unloads. They fight up to a higher level platform, where Owens manages a superkick, but Reigns beats the count. Kevin responds by going to work on the leg with a chair, and one has to wonder, why are there even chairs up there? In case the TV screens need to rest their feet? Reigns tosses him off of the platform and through a pair of tables below, but Owens beats the count, and Reigns is shook. Bro, that wouldn't have even a particularly shocking bump in 1996, let alone 2021. Owens bails for the backstage area, ending up in another section of the stadium where they have a practice ring set up. He stumbles around, until Reigns shows up, blindsiding him by running Kevin over with a golf cart. Great shot there, with Reigns coming out of nowhere for maximum shock value. It's also kind of cool watching them fight in this section of the building, where it's essentially an empty baseball stadium that LOOKS LIKE an empty baseball stadium, as opposed to the claustrophobic Thunderdome setup. Owens with a powerbomb onto a random spare announce table set up in the practice area, and he dives off of some production crates to put Roman through it with a splash. Reigns beats the count, so Owens chucks him into a ladder, then bashes him with another one. Owens climbs onto a forklift and dives with a flying somersault senton splash to put Roman through another table, but both guys beat the count. They brawl back out to the main arena, where Roman buys time by spearing him through a piece of the set, but Kevin beats the count. He finds some handcuffs and cuffs Reigns to a piece of the set, and the idiot referee actually starts counting, as if Reigns is knocked out. He's sitting up, lucid, and it's a title match - fuck off. And Roman feels the same way, knocking his dumb ass out to stop the count. Another referee shows up to pull that same bullshit trick, as Owens just kind of hangs out. Maybe try beating the shit out of the guy who can't go after you? Someone send this guy a Big Boss Man compilation. Paul Heyman helps Reigns escape, and he immediately puts the challenger in a guillotine to retain at 24:53. This was not my cup of tea at all, and it felt like a real waste of two workers who could be putting on a good wrestling match instead. *

 

Main Event: #1 Contender's 30-Man Royal Rumble Match: Edge and Randy Orton start, and the fact that they're openly saying that neither man has a chance to win should give you a good idea of what we're getting here. Edge attacks him in the aisle during the entrances, and they brawl around ringside to start, as Michael Cole sounds like he's gonna cum in his pants. The brawling is really slow and terrible here, but is that really a surprise from two guys who straight up had one of the worst matches in WrestleMania history last year? Sami Zayn gets #3, as we finally go inside to hopefully turn this into a, you know, battle royal. Randy and Sami gang up on Edge, and fucking Orton is working a wristlock in this thing. Are they confused? Maybe they need help learning to convert to PDF after this? Mustafa Ali is #4, and goes for Edge as well. These punks need to learn to respect their elders. Jeff Hardy draws #5, and he comes to Edge's aid. With Jeff backing him up, Edge is able to go back to the outside for another brawl with Orton that no one was waiting for. WWE Smackdown Tag Team Champion Dolph Ziggler draws #6, as Edge beats on Orton with a chair. #7 is Shinsuke Nakamura, and apparently he's got an issue with Ziggler. At least I think that's Ziggler. Looks like some chick on her way to a yoga class. Carlito joins the party at #8, complete with apple, though Nakamura steals it. Meanwhile, Orton is getting helped to the back by officials, since apparently the old lady ass beating Edge gave him is too much. Xavier Woods pulls #9, and are those tights a Roddy Piper tribute or a Spider-Man tribute? Or both? Also, there's a hyphen in 'Spider-Man?' Never noticed that before. You really do learn something new every day. Never let anyone tell you different. #10 is WWE Intercontinental Champion Big E, and he gets right to working with Woods to dominate Sami with combos. They toss Sami out, as #11 draw John Morrison joins the fray. Edge, Orton, Dolph, Carlito, Morrison... what year is this? Ali dumps Woods, which pisses Big E off, and gets Ali tossed in retribution. #12 is Ricochet, and I wish Michael Cole really would cum in his pants, because at least then there would be something going on out here. But, hey, at least there's no live crowd to start a 'boring' chant on them. Thanks, pandemic! Elias draws lucky #13, and that's it for Carlito. Damian Priest draws #14, looking like a total tool. Cole sounds pretty excited about him, though, so chance of cum rising. Priest gets rid of Elias, as we split screen to Orton getting checked up on my the medical crew in the back. Miz is #15, and he pals up with Morrison to do some damage. That draws Bad Bunny out (yes, that Bad Bunny), and the distraction allows Priest to dump both Miz and Morrison. That sets up a dive from Bunny before he's taken away by officials, just in time for Riddle to come in at #16. Never mind what I said about Priest. This guy is a walking toolbox. Daniel Bryan gets #17, and I honestly kind of forgot he even existed. But thank God he's here so he can do... nothing. Well, he'll fit right in. #18 is Kane, which is fitting, since this is his eighteenth Rumble match appearance. That's actually pretty crazy. He tosses Dolph and Ricochet right away, and hey, at least he's doing something. He gets into it with Priest, and actually loses the exchange, along with getting dumped. Okay, didn't see that one coming. King Corbin draws #19, and that's it for Nakamura. #20 is Otis, and he's in full Bushwhacker mode! Well, Mantaur crossed with a Bushwhacker, anyway. We get the Caterpillar within ten seconds, so you know he's not staying long. And, indeed, Corbin dumps him moments later. They're booking is so easy to figure out these days. Dominik Mysterio pulls #21, but walks right into a spinebuster from Corbin on the way in. Corbin goes for the elimination, but Mysterio manages to turn the tables on him, as Riddle and Bryan slug it out at center ring. WWE United States Champion Bobby Lashley draws #22, and that's it for Mysterio and Priest. Hurricane shows up at #23, to the bemusement of Big E. He gets dumped almost immediately. Hope that was worth the flight, kid. Or, man. #24 is Christian, and everyone's acting like it's fucking Hulk Hogan, or something. It is actually a good surprise compared to Hurricane or Carlito, but let's not get carried away. Like, the announcers are literally saying that people around the world are 'rejoicing.' We get an E&C reunion right away, and here comes AJ Styles as #25. Rey Mysterio gets #26, and are we sure that's not just Dom again? I mean, did anyone check? Sheamus pulls #27, and he absolutely brutalizes Edge. Omos helps AJ eliminate Rey, as the announcers note that Styles can 'go all night' with Omos's help. Kinky! Cesaro gets #28, and it's giant swing time for Sheamus. One for Bryan too, as Seth Rollins comes in at #29. This is apparently a big deal. Braun Strowman rounds out the field at #30, and we're in the home stretch now, boys and girls. Bye Cesaro. Bye Sheamus. Bye AJ. E&C cut Braun's run off, and everyone is left looking up at the lights for a bit. Bryan and Riddle are up first, and Daniel wins a slugfest. He hits Edge with a knee and tries tossing him, but Edge manages to hold on. Rollins gets rid of Riddle, leaving E&C in with Seth and Strowman, plus Orton is still technically in, even if he hasn't been seen in, like, forty minutes. Braun beats up everybody (including Rollins), but an elimination attempt on Edge gets reversed - taking Christian out along the way. Seth charges Edge, but gets backdropped out. As soon as Edge turns around Orton is there with an RKO, but Edge blocks, and tosses him to win for real at 58:28. Well, at least they didn't draw that last bit out, thankfully. Really? Two 'going the distance' runs in one night? I really didn't like this one. At least the women's match was fun, and had asscream. This didn't really tell any kind of story, and just felt like it was going through the motions for an hour. Also, pretty much all the surprise entrants were lame, save for Christian. I think this was easily the worst Rumble in a good many years. I can't even remember a less interesting one. ¾*

 

BUExperience: You can fuck right off if you think I’m going to calculate and/or research it, but this show has to have the highest average superstar age of any WWE PPV ever, right?

 

DUD