WWE Fastlane (March 2021)

Original Airdate: March 21, 2021

 

From St. Petersburg, Florida; Your Hosts are Tom Phillips, Byron Saxton, and Samoa Joe (RAW); Michael Cole and Corey Graves (Smackdown)

 

Opening WWE Women's Tag Team Title Match: Shayna Baszler and Nia Jax v Sasha Banks and Bianca Belair: Baszler and Banks start, and Sasha gets her into the home corner right away for a double team with Bianca. The challengers works Baszler over with quick tags, and Belair hits a moonsault for two. Backslide doesn't even get a count, so she uses a magistral cradle for two, and a schoolgirl for two, but Baszler throws a knee to shake her off. Jax tags herself in, but Belair quickly fights her off, and gets over to her own tag. Sasha tries for the Bank Statement right away, but Jax blocks, and throws a backelbow. Elbowdrop misses, allowing a tag back to Belair for a dropkick. Another one is worth two, so Baszler distracts her, and Jax is able to knock Belair to the outside. Too many people with names starting in a 'b' in this match for my fingers. The champs go to work on Bianca, but she slips away long enough, and it's a hot tag to Banks - Roseanne Barr the door! Belair hits Banks with a flying 450 splash, but Reginald distracts the referee, so no count. Banks comes in to put Baszler in the Statement, but Jax knocks Belair into them to break it up, and, of course, Sasha misinterprets it. So they fuss and feud, and Baszler capitalizes by schoolgirling Sasha at 9:41. The match felt like background for the angle. *

 

WWE Intercontinental Title Match: Big E v Apollo Crews: I really don't like that title belt. Big E dumps him to the apron for a spear to the floor right away, and apparently Old Spice is now marketing a fragrance called 'Night Panther?' They're gone full Anchorman, folks. Big E with a splash on the apron, and he gives Crews some quality trash talk. I especially love the part where he stops to tell the referee that Crews asked for it before hitting a second splash on the apron. Big E with a few overhead suplexes, but Apollo manages to dodge a corner charge, and the champ hurts his knee. Crews capitalizes with a short-clothesline, and a three-alarm rolling German suplex. Didn't love the execution on those. Apollo with a spinebuster, and a flying frogsplash gets him two. Pair of enzuigiris set up a standing moonsault, but Big E lifts his knees to block, and they trigger a reversal sequence that ends in Big E reversing a cradle at 5:41. That didn't look good at all, to the point where even the announcers were confused as to who got the pin with it. ½*

 

Braun Strowman v Elias: Elias tries sticking and moving between girlish screams, but gets destroyed by Braun in the corner, and a biel sends him to the outside. Braun drags him back in by the hair for some choking, so Elias bails, but that just annoys the monster. He barrels into him with a shoulderblock on the outside, so Ryker tries a distraction, allowing Elias to clip the knee. Elias with a flying elbowdrop for two, but Braun quickly comes back, and finishes with the running powerslam at 3:51. Just a total squash. ¼*

 

Seth Rollins v Shinsuke Nakamura: Seth grabs a headlock to start, but Nakamura quickly fights him off, and hits a kneedrop. Roundhouse kick, but Seth hits the deck, and bails to regroup. Back in, Nakamura tries for a suplex, but Rollins blocks, and pounds him down. Seth dumps him to the outside for a high knee from the apron, and back in, Seth throws a bunch more knee strikes, followed by a gutbuster for two. Rollins with a backbreaker for two, and he grabs a waistlock, in his first non knee related move in a while. Seth lays in some really shitty trash talk, allowing Nakamura to come back with a submission attempt, but Rollins is in the ropes. Seth bails on the break, so Nakamura goes after him with a baseball slide, and then throws a few knees of his own. Back in, Nakamura pounds him with a series of kicks, and then more knees get two. I hope Triple H is somewhere private backstage, because he's probably masturbating with fury. Seth knocks him to the outside for a tope, and he uses a springboard flying high knee on the way back in. Sling blade gets two, so he tries a suplex, but Nakamura blocks to trigger a slugfest. Seth wins it with an enzuigiri, but loses a reversal sequence to a pele kick, and Nakamura uses a sliding German suplex. That spot is cool in theory, but looks weird. Nakamura goes for a big strike, but Seth counters with a bucklebomb, and a falcon arrow is worth two. Curbstomp, but Nakamura catches him in a sitout brainbuster for two, and an inverted suplex follows. He goes for the kill, but Rollins triggers a reversal sequence to block, winning it to get control of the contest again. Curbstomp finishes clean at 12:54. This just felt like they were going through the motions. *

 

No Holds Barred Match: Drew McIntyre v Sheamus: Sheamus gets in his face at the bell, so Drew blitzes him with a bunch of offense, and they spill to the outside. Drew with a suplex on the floor, and he grabs some kendo sticks, but Sheamus sends him into the post before he can use them. Sheamus gets hold of the stick, but misses a shot with it, and Drew uses another suplex on the floor to buy time. This whole match feels like a videogame thus far. Drew whips him into the steps, but loses control on the way back inside, and Sheamus beats on him with the kendo. Drew fights him off and gets some payback with the stick, and I'm surprised he's allowed to do that, since it's off brand. If he wants payback he should wait for the appropriate Payback pay per view date. Just because they're in the fast lane doesn't mean they can get there sooner. Back to the outside, Sheamus tries putting him through a table, but gets chucked into the barricade instead. They spill into the 'crowd,' where Sheamus reverses a suplex on the floor, and hits a rolling fireman's carry as they fight into the stands. Sheamus tries to dump him through a wall of screens, but Drew reverses, and that can't have been cheap. Mid-90s Vince would probably take it out of their checks. Bill Watts certainly would. They fight back down to the ground level, where Drew uses yet another suplex on the floor, but Sheamus throws a Brogue Kick while being carried back to the ring. Sheamus follows by putting him through the announce table, and he drags Drew back inside to finish, but McIntyre catches a second wind. Reversal sequence ends in Drew busting out the Claymore Kick, and that's enough at 19:42. I've never been much of a fan of those 'tour around the arena' matches, and this did little to differentiate itself from all the other ones. ¾*

 

Intergender Match: Randy Orton v Alexa Bliss: Orton pukes up black blood during the entrances, but sadly he still wants to compete. Sure, someone gets a paper cut and they bust out the latex, but nothing gets us out of a fucking Randy Orton match. Alexa shoots fire at him at the bell, but Randy still charges like a moron anyway, and takes a bump to the outside when Bliss sidesteps. Orton recovers and stalks after her out there, so she causes a piece of the lighting structure to fall from the sky (via voodoo), nearly crushing Randy. This is like everything they wanted to do with Papa Shango in 1992 full realized. Back inside, Bliss shoots another fireball at him, but Randy gets really annoyed, since apparently he doesn't like that sort of thing. So he goes after her in the corner, but Bray Wyatt pops up from underneath the ring (complete with over the top burn makeup), and he hits Randy with the Sister Abigail. That allows Alexa to straddle Orton like she's fucking him for the pin at 4:37. Boy, this pandemic has certainly given them the freedom to experiment with things that would never, ever work in a normal arena setting, that's for sure. Okay, so this was dumb. It also wasn't a wrestling match, just an angle disguised as one. Alexa's doing a great job of playing the character, at least. DUD

 

Main Event: WWE Universal Title Match: Roman Reigns v Daniel Bryan: Wow, has it really been SIX years since these two last wrestled at Fastlane? Edge is the special guest enforcer for this one. Lots of posturing to start, with Bryan trying to trap him in submissions throughout. He manages to get Reigns down in some holds, but Roman powers into the corner, and slugs him off. Bryan starts sticking and moving, but charges right into a tilt-a-whirl slam for two, and Reigns puts the boots to him. I should note that we're over ten minutes into this, and it's just so fucking slow thus far. Roman works a chinlock, but Bryan fights free, so Reigns dumps him to the outside - stopping to jaw at Edge before following. Reigns sends Daniel him into the barricade out there, so Bryan tries coming back with some strikes, but ends up eating post. Reigns covers for two on the way back inside, and he fights off another comeback attempt with a Boston crab, but Bryan escapes. He comes off the ropes with a jumping elbowsmash, and knocks Reigns to the outside for a plancha, but gets caught in a powerslam on the floor. Looked like Roman was supposed to catch him there, but they rolled with the botch, and made it work. Roman tries sending him into the post, but Bryan fights him off, and hits a springboard dive on the way back inside. Daniel goes up with a flying dropkick, and he starts hammering the champion with strikes, but Reigns fights him off in the corner. Powerbomb, but Bryan counters with a kick to the head for two, as the announcers note that Daniel continues to 'soldier forward.' Good call, because this match feels like a death march. Bryan with the Yes Lock to try and put it away, but Reigns slugs free, and muscles him into a powerbomb for two. It drives me nuts that the announcers keep talking about how these guys are going through hell for the sheer opportunity to headline at WrestleMania, as opposed to putting over the title itself as the reason. Reversal sequence ends in Reigns hitting a spear, but the referee is down, and there's no count. Cue Edge to take over, but Roman only gets a two count. Reigns responds by pounding the piss out of him with punches on the mat, so Bryan tries a triangle choke to stop the assault, and he shifts it into another Yes Lock when Roman attempts to powerbomb him. I'm enjoying Paul Heyman's impression of an old Italian grandmother here. Bryan has the hold locked in, but Jey Uso shows up to save the champ, breaking the hold, and hitting Edge for good measure. Uso grabs a chair to finish Daniel off, but Bryan hits him with a knee strike, and the challenger ends up holding the chair himself. He unloads on Jey, but that allows Roman to recover with another spear - only for Bryan to stop him short with the Yes Lock, which turns Roman into a fish. He taps, but there's no referee. Edge recovers, but instead of checking for the submission, he beats on both guys with a chair instead, and Reigns gets the better of it - rolling over to cover Bryan at 29:59. I found this really slow and unengaging, and it went on forever to boot. *

 

BUExperience: Wake me when we get to WrestleMania.

 

DUD