WWE Saturday Night's Main Event XXXIV (June 2007)

Original Airdate: June 2, 2007 (taped May 28)

From Toronto, Ontario, Canada; Your Hosts are Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler

John Cena v Great Khali: Cena is the WWE Champion here, but this is non-title. John blitzes him as Khali enters the ring, but stupidly tries the FU ten seconds in, and gets clobbered. Khali works him over, and Cena ends up down on the outside, but manages to beat the count. Khali welcomes him back with an elbowsmash in the corner, and a few corner whips lead to a big boot. Khali keeps pounding away, as the match just drags on and on and on with his punch-kick offense. Finally, Cena dodges him long enough to try the FU again, but Khali elbows him to block, and a chokeslam finishes at 6:20 - Khali pinning him with one foot across the chest. This was brutally bad as a match, but served its purpose of building up the upcoming Cena/Khali pay per view title match. Of course, it also made me really hope to never have to even SEE them ever wrestle again (let alone pay to), so I'm not sure how effective it was for them. ¼*

Arm Wrestling Match: Bobby Lashley v Mark Henry: Henry is ECW World Champion Vince McMahon's last minute replacement, since Vince doesn't feel like humiliating Lashley tonight. What a guy! This segment drags on forever (a good ten minutes), until Henry eventually attacks him, and Vince beats Lashley with a chair. Didn't especially make me want to see Lashley fight McMahon again, but I guess the logic was sound enough

Backstage, World Heavyweight Champion Edge manages to make eye contact with Maria

Edge and Montel Vontavious Porter v Batista and Chris Benoit: We're treated to a shot with the camera shooting directly into Benoit's cold eyes for an extended period during the entrances, which is enough to make me shudder. Porter starts with Benoit, and he pounds Chris into the corner, but the Crippler fires back with chops. Drop-toehold sets up the Crippler Crossface early, but MVP has the ropes to break. Tag to Edge, and he hammers on Chris for a bit, but also runs into the chops. Benoit with a snap suplex and an elbowdrop for two, then over to Batista - which sends Edge running to tag out before the big man gets hold of him. MVP takes Edge's beating for him, and Batista lands a vertical suplex for two. Back to Benoit for the three-alarm rolling German suplex, but Edge slows him down as he goes for the flying headbutt, and Porter is able to capitalize by rolling out of the way for two. That turns the tide, and the heels cut the ring in half on Benoit, but he manages to fight Porter off long enough for the hot tag. Batista unloads on MVP, and the running powerslam looks to finish, but Edge runs in to prevent a cover. That distracts Batista long enough for Porter to recover, but he eats a spinebuster, and Edge is all, 'yeah, I'm out.' He hangs out on the ramp as Benoit flies in with a headbutt, and we're done at 10:18. Your basic TV match. It was fine. **

Mixed Tag Team Match: Finlay and Hornswoggle v Boogeyman and Little Boogeyman: Wanna feel bad about yourself? Just remember that other people managed to convince someone to pay them ACTUAL MONEY to come up with this stuff. The bigs start, and Boogeyman knocks Finlay around. He hits a splash, then passes out to Little Boogey for a pair of seated senton splashes. Finlay cracks him in the jaw, but Little Boogey returns fire, and adds some biting to set up a DDT. He stops to eat some worms, allowing Finlay to tag, and Hornswoggle comes in to distract Little Boogey long enough for Finlay to blast with a dropkick. Really creamed him with that one, too. Hornswoggle goes for the kill, but Little Boogey is ready with a small package (no pun intended), and Finlay has to save at two. That leads to big Boogey chasing Hornswoggle to the back, while Finlay hits Little Boogey with a big boot at 3:29. Terrible, but managed to avoid slipping into negative stars like the No Way Out match from earlier that year did. DUD

Extreme Expose come out to do a decidedly not very TV-PG dance routine, but it's interrupted when Hornswoggle and Little Boogeyman run in - leading to a cute bit where the little guys put Brooke and Layla on their shoulders for a chicken fight

Six-Man Tag Team Match: Umaga, Viscera, and Kevin Thorn v Kane, Eugene, and Doink the Clown: Yes, Doink. My only guess is that they were hoping some lapsed fan who stopped paying his cable bills in the mid-90s might channel surf by, or something. Got to make the most of your network TV time, after all. Of course, that guy would probably be really confused as to why Mabel is now Hugh Hefner, but baby steps. Thorn starts with Doink, with Doink playing mind games. Thorn stomps him down, so Doink passes to Eugene for a 2^nd rope flying axehandle, and Eugene works the arm. Kevin shrugs that shit off, and passes to Umaga, who promptly pounds poor Eugene down. Over to Viscera for a scrapbuster, as the heels cut the ring in half on Eugene. He manages to fight Umaga off long enough for the hot tag to Kane, and Roseanne Barr the door! Kane hits Thorn with a sidewalk slam and a flying clothesline, but Umaga breaks the pin. Doink and Eugene try to help, but Umaga tosses them both to the outside, and Viscera tries an avalanche - only to miss. Kane capitalizes with a chokeslam, and we're out at 10:55. This was terrible, and the last thing I'd want to use ten minutes of network TV exposure on. DUD


BUExperience: Woof. One of the worst episodes of any major wrestling show, I’d say. Just horrendous in almost every way, and did the exact opposite of what these things are meant to, as it made me want to see a lot less of the product, instead of more. I can’t imagine this would have hooked a single casual viewer