WWE Royal Rumble (January 2022)

Original Airdate: January 29, 2022

 

From St. Louis, Missouri; Your Hosts are Jimmy Smith, Byron Saxton, and Corey Graves (RAW); Michael Cole and Pat McAfee (Smackdown)

 

Opening WWE Universal Title Match: Roman Reigns v Seth Rollins: The Usos are banned from ringside for this, and Seth is wearing his old Shield gear to get into Roman’s head. Reigns pounds him into the corner, but Rollins is able to stick and move, connecting with a sling blade. Clothesline sends Reigns over the top, and Seth dives into him with a pair of topes. Wait, Seth is a babyface now? That doesn’t work for me, brother. Seth with a springboard flying high knee, but Roman punches him out of the air to block, and the champ lands a Drive-By. He tries springboarding off of the steps, but Seth blocks, and powerbombs the champion through an announce table. Rollins with a flying frogsplash for two on the way back in, but another dive misses. Seth recovers with a bucklebomb, however, and a curb stomp is worth two. They’re going in pretty heavy for a match that’s only five minutes deep. Another curb stomp, but Reigns blocks with a big clothesline, and unloads some mounted punches. Powerbomb gets the champion two, but Seth comes back with a triangle choke to try for the submission before Reigns can follow-up. Roman powers to a vertical base to powerbomb his way out of the hold, and they spill to the outside, where Reigns chucks him into the barricade and steps. Inside, the Superman punch gets two, but Rollins counters the spear with a pedigree for two. Seth gears up another curb stomp, but Reigns blocks. Criss cross allows him to plant a spear on his challenger, so Seth tries offering a truce to avoid the pin. Roman doesn’t take it, but he doesn’t cover either, so it worked, I guess. Roman puts him in a guillotine choke, so Seth claws to the ropes, but Reigns won’t let off, and there’s a shitty DQ at 14:23. This was a fine opener, and I liked that it got to the point, and didn’t overstay its welcome. That finish was horrendous, though. ** ½

 

#1 Contender's 30-Woman Royal Rumble Match: Sasha Banks gets #1 and Melina gets #2. If she didn’t do the split on the entrance, I wouldn’t believe she was the same person. They posture a bit, and then Banks just dumps her in under a minute. Tamina draws #3, so Sasha baseball slides into her during the entrance, and he dives with knees from the apron. Banks rolls her in to try for a quick elimination, but Tamina blocks, so Banks uses a wheelbarrow bulldog, followed by a pair of running kneesmashes in the corner. Kelly Kelly draws #4, and she also looks like a completely different person than the one I remember from the 2000s. She stupidly tries a headscissors over the ropes on Banks, and basically eliminates herself when Banks escapes. Aliyah draws #5, and she comes in hot on Sasha, but Tamina gets in her face to allow Banks to recover. She nearly dumps Aliyah, but can’t get her out, as #6 draw Liv Morgan joins the fray. I can’t wait until ten years from now when Liv will make a Rumble cameo, and we’ll all pretend that she’s a legend. #7 is WWE Women’s Tag Team Champion Queen Zelina, and she assists Tamina in tossing Sasha. Last year’s winner, Bianca Belair, draws #8, and she gives Tamina what for. Dana Brooke gets #9, and she’s not even waiting to become a legend before looking like a completely different person. Well, ‘dress for the job you want,’ and all that. Michelle McCool draws #10, and she nearly dumps Dana, but Reggie makes the save for her. And then she just gets eliminated anyway, since no one cares. Also, what happened to ‘Reginald?’ Do we seriously not have the time to say last names, or even full first names anymore? Sonya Deville us #11, but she heads over to the commentary table instead of getting into the ring. And the officials don’t even ATTEMPT to get her into the ring, just showing what a farce this whole thing is. Natalya is #12, and man, how long has she been around at this point? She tries a double elimination on Tamina and Belair, but only ends up getting Tamina out, as Sonya continues to just chill on commentary. Cameron gets lucky #13, in a really unexpected cameo. Not a bad one, but just someone I haven’t even thought of in a long, long while. Her appearance triggers Sonya, and she comes in to eliminate her in a short order, which she does as a message to Naomi. And speaking of Naomi, she draws #14, and she goes right for Sonya. She manages to eliminate her, as WWE Women’s Tag Team Champion Carmella joins the party at #15. Though, by ‘join the party,’ I mean, ‘stops by commentary to flirt with Graves like she’s Sunny in 1997.’ #16 is Rhea Ripley, and there goes Zelina and Carmella. WWE Smackdown Women’s Champion Charlotte Flair pulls #17, since apparently champions can participate in #1 contender’s matches now? I just covered World War 3 1997, and they did the same thing with Hulk Hogan that year. So, for those wondering how bad modern WWE is, they’re stealing stuff from WCW now. Ivory draws #18, and she’s SIXTY years old, which is pretty insane. I mean, I know she’s not coming back full time, or anything, but lacing up the boots at all at that age is impressive. Interestingly, she doesn’t look like she’s aged much at all since the Attitude Era. She comes in talking trash, but gets dumped by Ripley right away. I’m not saying she should have run wild, or even gotten to eliminate a single person, but dumping her so quickly was poor booking considering how happy the crowd was to see her. Brie Bella draws #19, and she steals the ‘YES’ chant. Belair and Ripley work together to try and eliminate Flair, but can’t get the job done, as #20 draw Mickie James enters - complete with the Impact Women’s title belt around her waist! She rekindles her feud with McCool, eliminating her. #21 is Alicia Fox, and she’s one I kind of miss. She was never a great worker, but it always felt like she was game to try. Nikki ASH pulls #22, and wow, Liv Morgan is still in this thing? Summer Rae draws #23, and I’m still trying to clock her forehead and she’s already getting eliminated by Flair. #24 is Nikki Bella, and wait, the Bella’s are in the Hall of Fame?!? I was around during their prime, literally nothing about their run should qualify for ANY Hall of Fame, even silly political ones like the WWE’s. She dumps Fox, as #25 draw Sarah Logan comes in. Where has she been? Liv is super happy to see her, but the Bella’s break that up by dumping them both. Please tell me this isn’t leading to a tag match on pay per view. #26 is Lita, drawing a huge pop, and still dressed like Avril Levigne. Good to know someone is keeping Hot Topic in business. She dumps Mickie, and here comes Molly Holly at #27. She gets jumped by ASH on the floor, and then dumped out in short order. Again, I’m not saying the legends should be making the current roster look like jobbers (quite the opposite - I hate it when that happens), but why even book them to work under a minute each? #28 is Ronda Rousey, and I honestly forgot that she was coming, so it felt like a surprise all over again for me. She tries a double Nikki elimination, but only gets ASH - so Brie assists to get Nikki Bella out as well. Why though? Terrible strategy in kayfabe, and killed one of the single intriguing things about the match all at once. That’s quite the feat. Shotzi draws #29, and it’s nice to know they haven’t further shortened her name yet. I’m betting I’ll be typing ‘Shotz’ by WrestleMania. We don’t have time for superfluous syllables! Shayna Baszler rounds out the field at #30, and Ronda is pretty excited about that. We get down to Belair, Flair, Rousey, and Baszler as our final four, and that’s a damn good field, actually. Especially considering how weak the field has been overall. Flair sneaks up on a warring Belair and Baszler to eliminate both, but a running big boot at Ronda misses, and Rousey dumps her to win at 59:40. This one suffered from a really weak field, with literally half the workers being non-active roster members, and little intrigue. Like, the Bella’s alliance and Ronda’s return were literally the only interesting things about an hour long match. * ¼

 

WWE RAW Women's Title Match: Becky Lynch v Doudrop: Doudrop knocks her around to start, until Becky bails, giving us the brilliant line: “we’ve seen this over and over again whenever confronted by Doudrop!” I know it’s just a name, but it’s really hard to take her seriously as a ‘wrecking machine’ when she sounds like a moist flower. Doudrop gets control and tries a pump-splash, but Becky bails again, so Doudrop follows, and sends her into the rail this time. Doudrop with a senton splash on the way back inside, so Becky bails again. Doudrop follows to try and pancake her against the steps, but Becky dodges, and the challenger wipes out into the steel. Doudrop beats the count, so Becky welcomes her with boots, and grabs a sleeper. Doudrop escapes, so Becky dives with a flying dropkick for two, but Doudrop makes a comeback. Senton splash gets her two, but Becky gets her in the Dis-Arm-Her. Doudrop fights, so Becky shifts to a cross-armbreaker, but Doudrop powers to a vertical base and powerbombs her down for two. Doudrop with a cannonball for two, but Becky snaps her throat across the top rope to block something, and the champ dives with a flying guillotine legdrop for two. Uranage, but Doudrop counters, and goes up for a pump-splash - only for Becky to counter with a uranage off the middle rope at 12:56. **

 

WWE Title Match: Brock Lesnar v Bobby Lashley: They measure each other to start, trading suplexes. To the outside, Lashley tries a big charge, but Lesnar sidesteps, and the challenger goes crashing through the barricade. Brock tries carrying him back in, but Lashley shoves him into the post to block, and then goes in on his own terms. Spear, but Brock sidesteps again, and Lashley hits the buckles. That allows Lesnar five German suplexes, but Lashley manages to counter the F5 with the Hurt Lock! Brock escapes, and delivers the F5, but the referee gets bumped in the process, so no count. That allows Roman to rush in with a spear, and he clocks Brock with the title belt for good measure - allowing Lashley a pin at 10:13. Just the usual Brock match. *

 

Mixed Tag Team Match: Miz and Maryse v Edge and Beth Phoenix: Beth chases Maryse around to start the match, but that goes nowhere, and the men tag in. Edge dominates him, so Maryse runs interference, and Miz takes over. He hammers Edge with strikes, but Edge comes back with a DDT, and the women get tagged back in. Beth knocks her around, and delivers a sidewalk slam for two. Miz gets his woman out of harm’s way, but Beth beats him down for his trouble, so Maryse whacks her with a loaded purse for two. That allows Maryse to work Beth over, but she escapes a reverse chinlock, and the men are in. Edge-o-Matic gets two, so Maryse distracts him again. That draws Beth in this time, however, and she hits Miz with a powerbomb to prevent him from superplexing Edge. Edge dives with a flying elbowdrop for two, and a flapjack connects. Spear, but Maryse gets involved again, and it misses. Maryse dives with a flying headscissors on Edge, allowing Miz the Skull Crushing Finale for two. Again, but Beth saves, and she and Edge tandem spear Miz down. She and Edge each hit their opponent with a Glam Slam from there, and Edge pins Miz at 12:28. *

 

Main Event: #1 Contender's 30-Man Royal Rumble Match: AJ Styles gets #1, and WWE Intercontinental Champion Shinsuke Nakamura draws #2. Nakamura dominates, but misses a kill shot, and Styles blasts him with a forearm. Austin Theory joins us at #3, and trades off with Styles. Robert Roode is #4, and briefly dominates the field, before getting into it with AJ, and getting dumped. Easy money for Roode tonight. Ridge Holland draws #5, whoever he is. AJ dumps Nakamura, and here comes Montez Ford as #6, and apparently he is going to shine tonight! I mean, if you can believe Michael Cole. And, indeed, he does look quite shiny, it’s true. WWE United States Champion Damian Priest draws #7, no word on his level of polish. #8 is Sami Zayn, who is apparently the top contender to the Intercontinental title. When was the last time that belt was even defended on pay per view? Serious question. I almost forgot the title even existed, to be honest. Johnny Knoxville joins the party at #9, dressed like a cross between Waldo and Artie from Pete & Pete. He spears Sami down for some mounted punches, but then pisses AJ off, and gets the shit kicked out of him. Everyone puts their differences aside to teach the celeb a lesson in humility, and he’s gone after everyone gets their shots in. Zayn celebrates a little too hard, however, and he’s gone too. #10 is Angelo Dawkins - with Ford’s graphic. I know there’s that old joke that Vince McMahon can’t tell black people apart, and I’m starting to think it isn’t really a joke. Omos draws #11, and of course, he’s an ‘odds on favorite’ since he’s so tall. That’s long been a trope of battle royals, and I’ve never understood it. Fat guys being a favorite makes sense, really tall guys feel like they should be just the opposite. Ricochet gets #12, who, like the IC title, I kind of forgot still existed. The difference is, the IC title used to mean something. WWE RAW Tag Team Champion Chad Gable draws lucky #13, and joins everyone in trying to dump Omos. Dominik Mysterio pulls #14, and piles on with Omos as well - Styles tipping Omos out like Shawn Michaels did to Diesel in 1994. #15 is Happy Corbin, and this apparently his seventh Rumble match appearance. And really made the most of each one, didn’t he? Ricochet is gone, and here comes #16 entrant Dolph Ziggler - this his fifteenth Rumble appearance, second only to Kane. That’s kind of nuts. Corbin dumps Mysterio, and Styles eliminates Theory, as #17 draw Sheamus joins the fray. I complain about these commentators a lot, but I’m actually really enjoying the Rumble stats and tidbits they’re giving us all along the way. Stats are the way to my heart, what can I tell you? Rick Boogs draws #18, and he’s another guy I don’t even recognize. He looks like a total Indy dude. He presses Gable out, and then stands there doing taunts like he’s powering up in a videogame. Madcap Moss draws #19, as Boogs tries pressing Ziggler out as well, but spends too much time showing off with presses, and runs out of gas. Maybe pose some more first, it works for me in the 2K games. Moss dumps Styles as #20 draw Riddle joins us. Oh God, I hope he’s getting easy money tonight, I don’t have patience for this clown. Corbin and Moss dump Boogs, and here comes #21 draw Drew McIntyre. Bye Moss. Bye Corbin. Riddle…??? Sadly, no. Kevin Owens pulls #22, and he gets right into it with Drew. Rey Mysterio gets #23, and it’s hard to believe that it’s been sixteen years since he won the Rumble, and here he still is. And, even crazier, he’d already been a big star on the national stage for a decade even at that point! Kofi Kingston draws #24, and he’s only one Rumble appearance shy of Ziggler with fourteen. He immediately does a crazy elimination tease… and mistimes it, getting himself actually eliminated. That would have been cool if it had worked, he just bit off more than he could chew there. WWE RAW Tag Team Champion Otis enters at #25, as the match loses steam, with everyone just kind of shuffling around, trading unenthusiastic shots. Big E gets #26, and apparently he has a massive score to settle with ‘everybody.’ He should consider therapy. Bad Bunny draws #27, and hopefully they do something more interesting with him than they did with Knoxville earlier. Bunny actually dominates the field, which is just silly, and makes the workers look like idiots. Like, it’s one thing if he’s some badass MMA guy or football player coming in and punching guys, but a musician coming in and hitting Canadian destroyers is just beyond silly. He also eliminates Sheamus and Ziggler, since you gotta give him his money's worth at WWE fantasy camp, I guess. #28 is Shane McMahon, and the crowd chants ‘you’ve still got it’ before he even gets into the ring. And, even crazier, he’s already beet red and Rotunda sweaty! He dumps Owens, and here comes Randy Orton as #29, looking for his third Rumble win. He teams with Riddle, and bodies go flying! Big E? Gone. Otis? Gone. Bad Bunny? Still in this thing. Brock Lesnar rounds out the field as #30, and he’s good and pissed off. Suplexes for all, and Orton is gone in wasteful fashion. Like, he’s a two time winner and a hometown boy, and Brock just casually clotheslines him out? Bunny man is gone too, at least. That leaves Riddle, Drew McIntyre, Shane McMahon, and Brock Lesnar as the final four, though they don’t even stop to acknowledge it, with Brock dumping Riddle in seconds. Shane is next, and I honestly don’t understand what all the backlash about his appearance was. He was just another guy in this thing, and didn’t do anything distracting. And, like, at least he’s got some street cred - Bad freakin’ Bunny looked more dominant than him, and no one said jack about that. They finally stop to let things breathe for a moment, and McIntyre gets into a slugfest with him. Brock tries for the F5, but Drew blocks, and headbutts him. Claymore kick, but Brock dodges, and dumps Drew to win it at 51:14. Hard to believe that this is only his second win (and first since 2003), considering how dominant his booking has been, especially over the last ten years. I’ve seen better Rumbles, I’ve seen worse Rumbles. This was a definite improvement over that terrible excuse for a Rumble in 2021, though. **

 

BUExperience: This wasn’t a bad card for the most part, but it’s weighed down by having two hour long matches, and just going on for too long in general.

 

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