WWE Extreme Rules (May 2013)

 

Original Airdate: May 19, 2013

From St. Louis, Missouri; Your Hosts are Michael Cole, Jerry Lawler, and John Bradshaw Layfield

Opening Match: Chris Jericho v Fandango: Jericho dominates early, and Fandango ends up on the outside, as the announcers continue their nonstop drooling over Summer Rae. They’re just relentless here, and it’s getting uncomfortable. And I’m not easily offended! Jericho with a dive on the outside, but he gets clobbered on the way back in, and Fandango uses a turnbuckle smash. Jericho fights him off with a big chop, and he stomps Fandango down. Chris with a cross corner whip, but the charge in hits a boot, and Fandango covers for two. Fandango goes to a chinlock, but Chris fights free, so Fandango throws a knee for two. That looked really awkward. Fandango with a slingshot legdrop for two, and he goes back to the chinlock, but Chris side suplexes his way to freedom. Chris throws a few shoulderblocks, and a flying axehandle connects for him. Chris with a bulldog, and he tries for the Walls, but Fandango blocks. Jericho stays on him with a flying bodypress, but Fandango rolls through for two, and throws a big boot for two as they both pop up. Fandango with mounted punches, but a flying legdrop misses, and Jericho hits the Lionsault for two. Chris takes him into the corner for chops, so Fandango tries a sunset cradle, but Jericho counters to the Walls! Fandango makes the ropes, and catches Jericho with a kick to buy time after the break. Fandango goes up with a dive, but Chris catches him in the codebreaker at 8:32. * ¼ 

WWE United States Title Match: Kofi Kingston v Dean Ambrose: A criss cross ends in Kingston using a monkey flip, and he takes Dean into the corner for a ten-punch. Ambrose blocks the follow up, however, and drops Kingston with a clothesline. An elbowdrop gets Dean not even a one count, but a neckbreaker settles Kofi for two. Dean with a dropkick for two, and he grabs a crossface chickenwing. Kofi fights it off and uses an SOS for two, but a trip to the top backfires when Ambrose superplexes him down for two. Dean tries a slingshot, but Kofi catches him with Trouble in Paradise - only for it to knock Dean out of the ring! Kingston drags him back in to cover, but that buys Ambrose enough recovery time, and the cover only gets two. Dean with a schoolboy for two, and a Russian facebuster takes the title at 6:47. Very basic, but fine. ¾*

Strap Match: Sheamus v Mark Henry: Sheamus takes him down, and puts the boots to Mark to start. Sheamus gets a single corner out of it, but Mark fights him off, and starts dragging him around. Sheamus hits all the corners along the way as well, so Mark stops his own progress after three. Well, that’s stupid. He’d still hit the last one first, and that’s all that matters. “If you’re not first, you’re last.” Sheamus uses the strap to crotch Mark, and he unloads with it a bit, then ties Henry to the post with it, and kicks him a bunch. Inside, Mark tries hulking up, but Sheamus fights him off with a Brogue kick, and he hits four corners at 7:55. DUD

#1 Contender's I Quit Match: Alberto Del Rio v Jack Swagger: Del Rio dumps him to the outside immediately, and dives with a tope. Del Rio finds a kendo stick out there, but misses a shot with it, and Jack belly-to-belly suplexes him on the floor. Swagger pulls the padding off the barricade (something you almost never see, actually), and he tries dropping Del Rio on exposed steel, but Alberto blocks. Del Rio shoves him into the steps, and bashes Jack’s hand into the steel a bunch of times, but Jack grabs the kendo, and tees off. He keeps beating on him and beating on him, but Del Rio refuses to quit, and manages to get Jack in a hanging armbreaker. Swagger fights him off, so Del Rio unloads with the kendo, but Jack doesn’t quit. Swagger manages a powerslam, and a pump-splash leads to a gutwrench powerbomb, but Del Rio still won’t quit. Jack with another gutwrench powerbomb, so Del Rio grabs a cross-armbreaker, but Jack counters to an anklelock. Swagger shifts down into a kneebar, but Del Rio won’t quit, so Zeb Colter grabs the towel away from Ricardo, and throws it in for him at 10:30. What a stupid finish. Just dumb and cheap. So Swagger is declared the winner, but luckily another referee runs out to alert the original official, and the match is restarted. Jack goes right back after the leg, but Del Rio fights him off with an enzuigiri, and he gets the cross-armbreaker on at 13:46. ½*

WWE Tag Team Title Tornado Match: Kane and Daniel Bryan v Roman Reigns and Seth Rollins: The champs dominate early, and it’s just a clusterfuck of spots from the word ‘go’ here. Spot, spot, spot - Shield put Bryan away to win the title at 7:21. Sometimes that’s all you get ‘cause that’s all I’ve got to give. ¼*

Extreme Rules Match: Big Show v Randy Orton: Orton finds a kendo stick right away, and starts hitting Show with it, since the agents only have one idea, apparently. A ladder gets involved, stuff happens with that as well, I dunno. Show bodyslams him for two, and puts Randy on a ladder he has planked across two chairs, but misses a pump-splash onto it. That gives Randy a two count, and an RKO gets another two. And then the punt finishes at 12:59. ¼*

WWE Title Last Man Standing Match: John Cena v Ryback: Cena wins a slugfest, but Ryback goes all strong Goldberg, and starts powerbombing shit. Lots of shit. But John just keeps getting back up. Ryback misses a charge in the corner, allowing Cena to make a brief comeback, before getting cut off. More powerbombing from the big guy, but Cena reverses one on him. Ryback with a Samoan drop, and they fight over to the A/V production area. Cena puts him through a table out there, but Ryback spears him through a piece of the entrance set. And then we get all dramatic, with both guys getting stretchered out, sotto voices, and a no-contest declared at 21:14, as the crowd shits all over it. You don’t see too many EMTs sporting gold Rolexes. What a country. ¼*

Main Event: Cage Match: Triple H v Brock Lesnar: HHH attacks during the entrances, sending Lesnar into the cage, and a barricade. Inside, HHH continues the assault, and what’s up with this weird cage, with the columns? I guess it’s more structurally sound, but it looks weird to me. Anyway, I’m more of a fan of the blue bar cage. Brock fights him off with a German suplex, and HHH tastes some steel, as the crowd loses interest. Brock misses a knee against the cage, and hurts his leg. He still manages an F5, but HHH gets a chair, and goes after the knee. Hunter gets a sharpshooter on, so Paul Heyman comes into the cage. HHH fights him off, but the hold has been broken, so HHH decides to pedigree Lesnar for two. But then Brock kills him with an F5 at 20:39. ½*

BUExperience: Could you feel my disinterest here? It’s late, I’m tired, this sucked.

DUD