WWF In Your House - Rage in the Cage (February 1996)

I remember seeing this one as a kid, and – even as an eleven year old super fan mark – being pretty bored with it. That does not bode well for a re-watch, over sixteen years later – but we’ll see.

From Louisville, KY your hosts are Vince McMahon, and Jerry Lawler. It would be truly careless of me to forget to mention Sunny, near naked in the opening of the show, warning viewers that the following program contains ‘graphic content.’ Oh, 1996-Sunny. The things you did to an eleven year old mind – and penis. She was so hot back then that, even as fucked up and broken down (she goes in a lot of directions…) as she is now, I’d still do her, given the chance. Which is to say, if I had a twenty, and happened to run into her. It’s like when you find porn you jerked off to in your youth time. Sure, you’ve found other porn (better porn!) since – but the erections you get with that porn have sentimental value – like sensory memory. Also, it’s stained with your cum.


Free For All Match: Jake Roberts v Tatanka: The 'Free For All' was a neat concept, as starting with the 1996 Royal Rumble, the WWF changed the format of the half hour block they had dedicated before each pay per view for hyping the show into... well, still hyping the show... but they would also give away an actual match, which was really cool when you're eleven years old, and you only are allowed to watch pay per views sometimes. The concept continued until the Attitude era, when it was effectively replaced by Sunday Night Heat. Not as cool as a kid: Jake Roberts. I appreciated his first run, but even I knew he looked out of shape, and basically looked like most of my science teachers. Even his outfit looked like it was thrown together by some Home-Ec class. They fight over an armbar to start, and Jake goes for the DDT early, but Tatanka bails to the floor to regroup with manager Ted DiBiase. They do that a couple more times, until Jake goes after DiBiase, but gets suckered on the way back in by Tatanka. Tatanka drops an elbow for two, as the WWF offers you ten (!) free hours of America Online with purchase of the show tonight. Holy fuck, they are bringing out the big gunns. Billy, to be clear. Second try at the elbow misses, and Jake comes back with a series of jabs. DDT finishes at 5:36, engaging the crowd for the first time in the bout. Nothing match, but inoffensive. DUD. Vince promises us more action just like this if we order the pay per view - which probably goes a long way in showing why they were doing so horribly around this period.

Opening Crybaby Match: The 1-2-3 Kid v Razor Ramon: For any normal person who didn't grow up through this period of the WWF, a 'Crybaby Match' is a Diaper match. And for any normal person who doesn't know what the fuck that is - no, it isn't some sort of 'diaper filled with shit as weapon' match - no, it's basically a normal match, but the winner gets to be the grown man who puts the other grown man into a diaper. Kid tries to act though – ripping the head off of a stuffed animal, and throwing it at Ramon to start. Oh no, maybe he'll start smoking next. That gets him dumped, but he comes back in with the lightning kicks. He stupidly tries a hiptoss on the much larger Ramon, and that gets him blockbustered. Razors Edge, but Kid bails to the floor to regroup with manager Ted DiBiase. He gets some baby powder, and blinds Ramon, and a missile dropkick gets two. Series of baseball slide legdrops, and the frog splash for two. They botch a sleeper reversal spot (come on, how hard is that to do?!), so Ramon crotches him on the ropes. They lay around for a long time off of that, until Kid gets a flying bodypress, but Razor rolls through for two. Ramon catches him on a criss cross, and hits a top rope blockbuster. Razors Edge looks to finish, but Kid gets the powder again. Ramon kicks it back in his face, and two Edge's later, Kid's wearing a diaper at 12:01. And, yeah, then Razor puts him in the diaper - which even when I was their target demo, I didn't think was all that funny. It would be funnier in later years - seeing Sean Waltman running around in a diaper - but not so much in 1996. Match really dragged in the middle – with a long sleeper spot, and a lot of lying around – but it wasn’t horrible. ½*.

Hunter Hearst Helmsley v Duke Droese: Slugfest to start, with Droese all worked up as Triple H had shaved off his hair on WWF Superstars a few weeks prior as part of the build. And if there's one thing you just don’t do it's shave off a garbage man’s hair on a weekly syndicated wrestling television show. Press slam, and a big boot leave Hunter reeling, so Duke takes him into the corner for a 10-punch count. HHH counters with a stungun, as Jerry Lawler hits on Hunter's valet/call girl for the night. Jerry Lawler is insatiable – and you gotta love him for it. She's pretty hot, too, but, hey, she's gotta be, like,  40+ by now - maybe 45, even. Hunter should have thought ahead, and just brought a twelve year old.  Pedigree, but Droese counters with an inverted atomic drop, so Hunter backdrops him to the floor. Inside, HHH with the shindrop for two, and a kneelift for two. Suplex gets two, as Hunter gets frustrated. Yeah, 'cause no one's ever kicked out of a shindrop, kneelift, and a suplex in the history of all of wrestling, ever. Guy must be the fucking Terminator, or something. Duke comes back with a spinebuster, and follows with a backdrop, and powerslam. Trash Compactor (a tilt-a-whirl powerslam looks to finish, but he doesn't cover, instead grabbing his trash can from the floor, and bringing it in. That backfires, and HHH whacks him with the lid for the pin at 9:38, deflating the crowd. Match was no classic, or anything, but was fine for what it was – goofy ending aside. *.

Davey Boy Smith v Yokozuna: This was after Yokozuna's face turn, when he started suddenly speaking English, and using his powers of fat for good. He's a house of pancakes to start, backdropping Davey, but he misses an elbowdrop. Davey unloads, but gets caught with an avalanche. Banzai Drop, but Davey's manager Jim Cornette pulls him out of the ring. Yoko follows, but misses a blind charge into the post. Inside, Davey with a flying axehandle for two, but he gets nailed on a second try. Yoko PUDDINGS UP!! and drops him like a Samoan, followed by a belly to belly suplex. He looks to finish, but Cornette gets less subtle in his interference efforts, and just runs in, bashing him with his tennis racket for the disqualification at 5:05. Yoko goes for revenge, but Vader (dressed half in tights, half in street clothes - but with the mask!! – which is even stranger as he wasn't even booked on the show, so we’re left wondering if that’s how he, like, makes grocery store runs), runs in, and they beat Yokozuna down. This was early in Vader's WWF run, when they were still treating him like a monster. Match decent - kept short, quickly paced, and avoided restholds completely. *.

#1 Contenders Match: Shawn Michaels v Owen Hart: This was set up by a pretty revolutionary angle in the fall of 1995, as Shawn had just come off getting legitimately injured outside of a bar in Syracuse, NY, having to forfeit the Intercontinental title, and when wrestling Owen on RAW, led to his on air collapse. The announcers (and even total heel) Owen sold it as if something had gone very, very wrong - and Shawn was carried out by EMTs, while Vince McMahon dropped his headset, and tended to him in the ring. It was all a big work, of course, but done in an era before they ran an angle like that every week - and it worked brilliantly. Shawn would return to dramatically win the '96 Royal Rumble, but before going on to WrestleMania, Owen Hart called in the 'well, I nearly killed you’ card (which all wrestlers should really keep stashed in their breast pocket at all times) setting up this match. Crowd eats up Shawn's routine with a spoon, and he baseball slides through Owen's legs during a criss cross, allowing him to bail to the floor, and literally high five the entire front row. Well, that's one way to sway the crowd for the face/face showdown at WrestleMania. Owen tries to do the same, but he has no takers, so Shawn follows him out with a top rope twisting bodypress. Inside, Michaels with a flying axehandle for two, and Shawn controls with a headlock, playing to the crowd, who are just putty in his hand. They do a double kip up bit, and Shawn hits a rana, but Owen nails him with a belly to belly. Backbreaker, and a stiff looking neckbreaker gets two. Sharpshooter, but Shawn fights him off, so Owen works the back. Quick bow-and-arrow into a camel clutch, but he blows it by grabbing a chinlock. Oh, come on, Owen. You could write an encyclopedia on back holds, and you go to the chinlock? Clearly teaming with Yoko for that long resulted in some bad habits rubbing off. Spinkick ends the rest sequence, and he tries a suplex, but Shawn dumps him to the floor. Michaels leaps off of the apron, but Owen catches him, and powerslams him out there. Back in, Owen with a missile dropkick for two. Shawn with a double-underhook roll-up for two, but Owen catches him with a lariat. Sharpshooter applied, and the hens in the crowd flip out. He makes the ropes – ensuring a slower night in the cardiac wing of the local ER that night. Slam, but Shawn victory rolls him for two. That just pisses him off, however, and Owen nails him with the enzuigiri (the move that put him out of action on RAW). Well, you knew that was coming. Everyone sells it like death, and Shawn falls to the floor, immobile. Hart rolls him back in, and gets a dramatic two count off of it. Owen gets crotched off of a cross corner, and Shawn works... the nuts... with an inverted atomic drop. Wrong brother, Shawn. Save it for WrestleMania! Pair of diving forearms, and he hits his flying elbow. Superkick, but Owen counters into another enzuigiri. Michaels ducks this time, however, and the superkick finishes at 15:57. Solid, well booked match, with a good dramatic buildup that was nicely paid off. ***.

Main Event: WWF Title Cage Match: Bret Hart v Diesel: The cage appears to be shorter than usual tonight - either as an effect to make Diesel look taller - or because someone just plain fucked up. Diesel controls to start, throwing him around in the corners, and choking him out. Bret fires off kicks at the knees to come back, and rams big Diesel into the cage. He makes a climb, but gets pulled, and then rammed off. Diesel calls for the door, but strolls as if he's spending a Sunday afternoon at the local dogpark, and scouting the talent, so Bret easily stops him. They play the 'I go for the door, you stop me, you for the door, I stop you' game (that's it's official name in the wrestling handbook!) for a bit, though not nearly as interestingly as when Bret did it with Owen at SummerSlam. Diesel hits the sidewalk slam, but a big elbowdrop misses, and Hart climbs, while Diesel crawls for the door. Bret decides to abandon his effort in order to stop Diesel's (in a nice spot), and goes back to working on the leg. He makes it over the top on a climb, but Diesel slams him back in. Bret bulldogs him, and tries to escape again, so Diesel side suplexes him. Bret takes a fantastic version of his chest first cross corner bump - drawing loud 'ohs!' from the crowd - and they fight to the top rope. Bret makes a sudden escape attempt like an crazed spider monkey, but Diesel quickly stops it, and gives him another chest first bump, but this one doesn't nearly break the ring in half, and the crowd isn't as impressed. Snake eyes, but Bret slides out, and rams him into the cage. Sharpshooter, but Diesel rakes the eyes to counter. Russian legsweep keeps Bret in control, and he follows with a top rope version of his elbowdrop. Escape attempt, but Diesel sends him a ball shot (with love!), and then crotches him on the ropes. He goes for the door, but The Undertaker bursts out through the ring, and pulls Diesel through the hole, and underneath, allowing Bret to climb out and retain at 19:13. Well, technically, Diesel touched the floor first, didn't he? That was a pretty neat bit at the time, which again, has been run into the ground since. These two had four main event matches on WWF pay per views between 1994-1996 – the other three of which were quite good – this was the last, and by far, the worst. It had no flow - they just sort of did their spots back an forth, as if waiting for the ending - and probably should have went home after the initial chest first bump. ¾*.

BUExperience: I don’t know who had it worse – 11-year old me, watching this show, or poor Undertaker, who couldn’t see it, but had to sit underneath the damn ring for God knows how long. You have to figure – two hour show – you’ve got people coming in up to an hour early… guy had to be under there a good three and a half hours, in full gear and makeup.

Not much to see here… one title match (the tag titles were vacated days before this due to The Smoking Gunns getting injured, and they decided not to have Goldust defend the Intercontinental title, instead having him have a dark match/rehearsal for a future feud with Undertaker, after the show), and what was left, while not horrible, is almost all forgettable – including a stinker of a main event, that is done many times elsewhere, and significantly better. DUD.