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Opening Match: Ahmed Johnson v Jeff Jarrett: Jarrett tries to sneak attack, but it goes badly. He suckers Johnson into a chase, and manages to pound him from the high ground, but a hiptoss gets reversed. Jeff tries a headlock, but Johnson easily powers out of it, and blasts Jarrett with a clothesline. Ahmed with a slam for two, and a jumping forearm hits, but Jarrett ducks a bodypress, and Johnson crashes into the ropes. He ends up on the outside, where Jarrett dives off the apron with a flying clothesline, then whips Ahmed into the steps. Inside, Jeff hits a straddling ropechoke, and adds a few 2nd rope flying axehandles, but Ahmed is in no-sell mode. Johnson bearhugs him into an inverted atomic drop, and throws a clothesline. Ahmed was sloppy as hell, but he had some serious presence. Johnson with a spinebuster, so Jeff bails, but here comes the big Johnson with a tope suicida! He nearly spikes his head on the concrete in the process, but luckily walks away unscathed. Back in, Ahmed tries a flying somersault legdrop, but misses. Keep working on it dude, you never know, one day there might be an opening in Harlem Heat. Jarrett capitalizes on the miss with the Figure Four, but Ahmed reverses, and Jeff uses the ropes to escape. He decides to pound the leg a little to set up another Figure Four, but this time Johnson blocks by shoving him to the outside. Jarrett responds by grabbing his guitar, and he smashes it over Johnson's head with a dive off the top rope for the DQ at 6:37. Great visual there, one of the all time great guitar smash spots. And that was pretty much it for Jarrett's brief comeback, as he worked the house show circuit with Johnson through the end of the month, and then disappeared from the promotion again. ** (Original rating: * ¼)
WWF Tag Team Title Match: The Smoking Gunns v The Bodydonnas: As a kid, I never even slightly realized that Zip was the dude from the Heavenly Bodies. Perfect wonders what kind of training regimen Sunny puts her guys through. Well, I think we know, at least in Skip's case. Billy Gunn starts with Skip, and they criss cross, with Skip hitting a headscissors takedown, but running into a backdrop. Billy tries a charge, but Skip ducks, and Gunn goes over the top. Both challengers force him back in for a tandem backelbow, but an attempt to do the same to Bart Gunn backfires, the Bodydonnas end up on the outside - Billy diving onto both with a double tope suicida! The Gunns continue to dominate, so Sunny heads over and starts blowing kisses at them to try and distract the champions. Bart actually powers through that, which may possibly be the most herculean feat of the show. He press-slams Zip, and they hit a bearhug/jumping clothesline combo on Skip, so Sunny starts bouncing around again. She ends up getting knocked off of the apron, and Billy feels badly, so he goes out to the floor to check on her. That allows the challengers to attack, and of course she's fine once the tide is turned. Perfect is making all sorts of sexist remarks and dirty jokes here, like the second coming of Jesse Ventura. The Bodydonnas cut the ring in half on Billy, but end up colliding with each other during a criss cross, and Bart gets the tag! He comes in hot, and Roseanne Barr the door! The Gunns whip their challengers into one another, and the Sidewinder looks to finish Zip, but Sunny is distracting the referee! That allows Skip to dive off the top onto Bart, but it only gets two! The Bodydonnas tandem backdrop Bart, but Billy spears them to cut off a tandem vertical suplex, and Bart uses the momentum to cradle Skip at 11:14. The finish was a little sloppy, but good in theory. Hard work all around here, and lots of classic tag team bits. ** ¼ (Original rating: ** ½)
WWF Intercontinental Title Match: Razor Ramon v Goldust: The challenger debuts Marlena as his manager here. Why did Razor switch back to the white strap version of the belt again? Lots of posturing to start, as Goldust stalls and flirts, and Ramon fumes. Vince sounds so uncomfortable calling this, but Perfect is having a ball. Goldust really puts the 'feeling' in 'feeling out,' so Razor responds by spanking him, which seems like an odd strategy to use against someone sexually harassing you. And, indeed, Goldust loves it. Razor finally just decks him, putting Goldust on the outside, but he hides behind Marlena. The challenger stalls to frustrate Ramon some more, and adds fuel to the fire by blowing kisses at the Bad Guy. He's able to sucker Razor into a chase, and clobbers him on the outside to take control, then dives with a flying axehandle on the way back in. Bulldog gets two, and a slingshot side suplex is worth two. Facebuster and a swinging neckbreaker get two, so Goldust tries a sleeper, as Perfect starts to imagine what Goldust might have planned if he can get Ramon unconscious. Razor uses a mulekick to escape, and that doesn't draw the same moans of pleasure from the challenger. Razor mounts a comeback, hitting a chokeslam for two, and a fallaway slam for two. Goldust goes to the eyes, and tries heading up, but Razor crotches him on the top, and brings him down with a side superplex. That draws Marlena into the ring, but she twists her ankle, distracting the referee. That allows 1-2-3 Kid to run in with a flying spinheel kick, and Goldust hooks the leg at 14:15! Not a lot in the way in terms of big spots or sequences, but very interesting psychology, and not boring. ** ½ (Original rating: *)
#1 Contender's 30-Man Royal Rumble Match: We're not even an hour into the show, and it's already Rumble time. Maybe they're doing a women's version to close? Two minute intervals this year, though I kinda wish they'd have stuck with the sixty second timing again since that was a slick way to disguise the thin field - which is maybe even thinner this year. Hunter Hearst Helmsley and Henry Godwinn start us off, and do their usual match for a couple of minutes, until #3 draw Bob Backlund marches out. He saves Helmsley from elimination, and tries to get Henry out, but fails. He guns for HHH instead, which makes you wonder why he didn't just help Godwinn dump him, if he doesn't have any heel loyalty anyway. And speaking of heels, Jerry Lawler gets #4, and he brings Godwinn's slop bucket into play, but Henry gets hold of it, and the three heels bail. Godwinn dumps the slop out at all three, but he's still out gunned, and gets pounded down. #5 is Bob Holly, as Vince yells 'start your engines' like a hopped up maniac. This thing is falling really flat thus far. #6 is Mabel, as the crowd naps through this parade of JTTS. Jake Roberts draws #7 to finally add some intrigue, and he unleashes the snake in the ring to clean house. Using pictures of him from the old days in their weekly hype segments really made seeing him a disappointment. He fell far, fast. And speaking of falling far, #8 is Dory Funk Jr, looking like a fossil. Lawler sneaks out of the ring and hides underneath, in a cute bit. Hey, the good moments have been few and far between here, I'll take my jollies where I can gets 'em. #9 is Yokozuna, and that's it for Backlund, as we finally get our first elimination. Mabel hits Yoko and Godwinn with a double avalanche, then splashes Godwinn, as I search for stuff to note. 1-2-3 Kid draws #10, but Razor Ramon chases him down the aisle, until officials intervene. Luckily it doesn't result in Kid getting immediately tossed like the situation with Owen Hart and Bob Backlund last year, because this field needs all the help it can get. Takao Omori is #11. I have nothing to add. Jake pops the crowd with a brief sequence with Yoko, as Savio Vega enters at #12. The crowd is starving for something to get them invested into this, but the field is so weak right now that there's literally no one in there you could even imagine winning. Yoko dumps Mabel, as HHH gets rid of Omori. Vader gets lucky #13, in his WWF debut. Surprisingly, he doesn't make much of a splash, just kind of coming in and taking up space. I was sure he would send some bodies flying. #14 is Doug Gilbert, as Perfect tries to get him over by connecting him to late brother Eddie, but speaking as a fan watching at the time, name dropping Eddie didn't mean much to this audience. Vader gets rid of Jake, as #15 draw Squat Team #1 comes out. It's like negative heat for these last couple of entrances. Seriously, they would have been smart doing the sixty second intervals again this year, because this thing is just dragging its feet. Vader dumps Gilbert and Squat Team #1, but Squat Team #2 is #16. Both of them decide to come back to take out Vader, but that ends badly. They definitely creeped me out as a kid, those two. The crowd may actually be asleep here, you could hear a pin drop. Owen Hart is #17, and I still love his theme music. Vader and Yokozuna gang up on Vega to get rid of him, as #18 draw Shawn Michaels joins the fray! I was going nuts for this while watching live in 1996, and was worried as hell that Shawn got such a low number. He plays Hulk Hogan for a while, dumping both Yoko and Vader in one move! He tosses Kid next, as #19 draw Hakushi comes out. But hey, Vader is throwing a tantrum over his elimination, and decides to come back in to kick the shit out of Shawn, press-dropping him over the top, and dumping a bunch of other guys as well. No one can restore order, so President Gorilla Monsoon marches out to personally eject Vader, and everyone gets to stay in since Vader wasn't legal. Tatanka gets #20, as Hakushi hits Owen with a handspring backelbow, and Shawn teases some eliminations to keep the crowd on edge. Shawn was so good during this period that he could actually carry an entire Rumble if need be, as he was tasked with doing the year before this. #21 is Aldo Montoya, as Owen dumps Hakushi. Meanwhile, Shawn hops out to the floor, and goes underneath the ring to retrieve Lawler - dragging him back in to officially eliminate. Diesel draws #22, perking things up. He quickly dumps Tatanka, and isn't shy about punching his pal HBK as well. #23 is Kama, and man, this crowd is not so much as making a peep for anyone but the big stars in this. Ringmaster draws #24, and gets into it with Holly, dumping Bob. Vince telling us all to 'give credit' to Holly for 'hanging in there as long as he did,' in the most patronizing tone possible is unintentionally hilarious. The best kind of hilarious! Barry Horowitz is #25, Perfect getting a great line in about what a jobber he is. Diesel tosses HHH in dramatic fashion (nice bump from Hunter there), as #26 draw Fatu makes a difference down the aisle. Isaac Yankem gets #27, as Owen dumps Horowitz, then pops Shawn with the dreaded leg-feed enzuigiri! That leads to a great elimination tease, but Shawn reverses, and Owen's gone. Too bad the camera all but missed it to replay the enzuigiri spot. Ringmaster levels Shawn with a lariat, as Marty Jannetty joins the party at #28. He goes at it with Shawn, as Ringmaster hammers Diesel in the corner. Maybe they're all scared to call spots because this crowd is so quiet, and they're afraid to expose the business? That's the only reason I can imagine that this is so uniformly boring. #29 is Davey Boy Smith, and we spot Diana Hart-Smith in the crowd, looking as bored as everyone else. Bulldog dumps Jannetty, as Diesel tries to toss Yankem. Of course next year, Yankem would be Diesel. Duke Droese rounds out the field at #30, which is fitting for this trash fire of a match. Shawn and Bulldog spill to the outside for a brawl, with Owen Hart rushing back out to knock Michaels into the guardrail before getting escorted away by officials. Inside, Davey tries to press Michaels out, but Diesel saves, as Yankem and Droese say goodnight. Final four are Shawn Michaels, Diesel, Kama, and Davey Boy Smith. Shawn quickly clotheslines Bulldog out, as Diesel gets rid of
Main Event: WWF Title Match: Bret Hart v Undertaker: Undertaker crosses paths with Diesel in the aisle during the entrances, setting up their program for WrestleMania. Bret sticks and moves to start, but gets trapped in the corner, and hammered. Undertaker works him over in slow, dull fashion - the last thing this crowd needs after that sleepy Rumble. Bret uses his boot to block a corner charge, and dives at Undertaker with a 2nd rope flying clothesline. Another clothesline sends 'Taker over the top, and Hart dives after him with a plancha. He tries a second dive off the apron, but Undertaker catches him, and bashes Bret's back into the post. 'Taker tries ramming him into the post a second time, but Hart reverses, so Undertaker big boots him down. They're moving like they're covered in molasses here. Undertaker tries whipping him into the steps, but Bret reverses, and goes to work on the leg. Hart uses a figure four, but Undertaker reverses, which is some weird shit to see from the character in this era. Bret is really dogging it here. He was such a master that he could have easily laid out an exciting match with Undertaker, but he's phoning in a house show level performance instead. Hart continues to work the leg in dull fashion, until 'Taker tosses him over the top, and follows out to choke him with some cable. Hart takes a bump into the timekeeper's table to try breathing a little life into this thing, and Undertaker uses a chair on him before taking things back inside. He pounds on the champion, but Bret swipes at the leg to put him down, and goes back to work on the part. This match is so boring that even Perfect is just kind of calling it, instead of cracking jokes like he did the rest of the night. He's lost the will to chuckle! Undertaker fights him off and tries the
BUExperience: The undercard is actually not bad, but the top two matches are atrocious, and there’s nothing underneath strong enough to support the weight of suck that the final two-thirds of the show are without collapsing.
DUD
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