WWE Tables, Ladders and Chairs (December 2019)

 

Original Airdate: December 15, 2019

From Minneapolis, Minnesota; Your Hosts are Vic Joseph, Jerry Lawler, and Samoa Joe (RAW); Michael Cole and Corey Graves (Smackdown)

Opening WWE Smackdown Tag Team Title Ladder Match: The New Day v The Revival: No tags here, so it's basically like the last half of any big NXT tag match, but right away. New Day dump Scott Dawson right away, allowing them to double up on Dash Wilder with combos, but the Revival manage to stop them from bringing any ladders in. They fight over the ladders on the outside for what feels like an eternity (and with a dead silent crowd) until the Revival manage to get the ladder inside. They both climb opposite sides, but Big E makes it in to stop them. Here's a thought... maybe next time one of you stays on the ground to stand guard? Just an idea. Do with it what you will. Big E climbs, but Dawson dives with a missile dropkick into the ladder to knock him off, and the challengers drive a ladder into his balls a few times to make sure he gets the message. The message being 'don't fuck with us,' I guess. Climb time, but Kofi Kingston comes in to put a stop to it, as the announcers remind us that Kofi won the WWE Title at WrestleMania earlier this year. Holy shit, that feels like a million years ago. Just shows how forgettable and inconsequential that whole reign was. Shame too, since his path to the title was a good story. Kofi climbs, so Revival tip the ladder, but Kingston lands on the top rope, and springboards back with a bodypress! That was pretty neat. Kingston climbs again, but Revival pull him off with a version of Shatter Machine. They both climb again, but Big E pulls them off, and he sends Dash to the outside with a spear through the ropes. Big E beats on Dawson with a ladder, and the crowd is dead silent again except for reactions to specific spots. It's so weird seeing them do all these big spots and getting soft responses, and then popping on something like Royal Rumble '90, and watching the crowd absolutely lose their shit for stuff like freakin' Marty Jannetty coming into the Rumble match, or whatever. Big E takes forever setting up a ladder plank deal, but ends up getting crotched on the top rope before he can use it, and Dawson superplexes him off. What a weird spot, as it does as much damage to Dawson as Big E. Maybe more. Dash adds a flying splash to put Big E through the ladder plank, and Dawson climbs, but here comes Kofi. They fight at the top, so Dash heads up as well to try and double team Kingston. They manage to subdue him, and Dash nearly gets the belts, but Big E comes up with a Big Ending off of the ladder to stop him! That leaves Kingston and Dawson in a race for the gold, and Kofi shoves the belts at him to knock Scott off, and New Day retain at 19:02. This felt like it went on forever, and had a largely disinterested crowd, but there was effort here. I appreciate effort. * ½

Aleister Black v Buddy Murphy: Black immediately tries Black Mass, right at the bell, but Murphy sees it coming, and bails. Back in, they do a series of quick reversals to a stalemate, but the crowd is so dead quiet that I thought my speakers broke for a second. And I'm being totally serious. They continue feeling each other out, until Black just goes with strikes instead, and that puts Murphy on his ass in a hurry. Buddy bails, so Black tries coming at him with a strike from the apron, but ends up wiping out face first into the steps - drawing blood hardway. Yeah, it was quite a smack(down?). I do wonder why the announcers still feel the need to refer to them as the 'solid' steel steps, though. Like, we've seen them pulled up a million times already. We know they're hollow. The jig is up. Inside, Murphy grounds him for a bit, but Black fights to a vertical base. He tries a strike, but Murphy dodges, and Black takes a backdrop over the top. Buddy rams him into an announce table out there, but then stops to mess with Black's entrance gear for an extended period like an idiot, and guess what, Black recovers! I know, surprising. Inside, Black big boots him down, and they get into a slugfest that ends in Murphy trying a suplex, but Black blocking. He takes Buddy down with a legsweep to set up a shining wizard, and a roundhouse kick follows. Springboard moonsault press gets two, and Buddy ends up on the outside, where Black dives with a 2^nd rope moonsault press on the floor. Inside, Black bicycle kicks him for two, but a superplex attempt ends badly when Murphy superkicks him. Sitout powerbomb gets Murphy two, and a superkick sets up a couple of kneesmashes, followed by a brainbuster for two. Both guys stagger up and charge, leading to them trading strikes, and Black plants the Mass on him at 13:39. The work was fine, though not really engaging. **

WWE RAW Tag Team Title Match: The Viking Raiders v Luke Gallows and Karl Anderson: Erik and Anderson start, and Karl tenaciously holds a headlock for a bit. Erik manages to power out and tag to Ivar, and there is a family of people being served fucking KFC at ringside in a weird bit of product placement. Like, they're just sitting there eating the chicken and sides, and we're getting random shots of them between armbars here. I actually really love KFC, but I don't eat fast food much anymore, and I recently had it for the first time in probably five years. It was delicious (my go-to order is popcorn chicken, potato wedges, and biscuits... AKA mostly stuff Popeye's doesn't have), but man, did I feel like shit for the rest of the day and into the next day. The match spills to the outside, where the Gallows manages to nail Erik with a superkick on the floor to turn the tide, and the challengers cut the ring in half on him. Ivar gets the hot tag and runs wild, but runs into a side suplex/neckbreaker combo for two. He fires back with a handspring backelbow, however, and Erik gets the tag back in - Roseanne Barr the door! Everyone spills to the outside in short order, and we have an actual double countout finish at 8:29. And then afterwards, someone (Anderson in this case) gets put through the chicken table. This felt like a house show match. But with chicken. ¾*

Tables, Ladders, and Chairs Match: Roman Reigns v Baron Corbin: Corbin charges him in the aisle during the entrances to kick start the match out there, but Reigns quickly fights him off. He tosses Corbin off of the stage, and they spill into the crowd for a brawl around the arena. The shitty camera work here is so obnoxiously shaky that I'm actively trying to fight off vertigo. Back to ringside, Corbin gets rammed into an announce table, but he manages to hit the Deep Six for two on the way inside. Corbin with mounted punches, but Reigns starts to make a comeback, so Baron goes low. He chucks Reigns into the steps to quell the rebellion, and it's time to use a ladder as a weapon! Good thing this isn't 1995. You'd think these guys could all have crazy good gimmick matches now that they're free of the restrictions, right? You'd be wrong. Inside, Corbin works him over with a chair, but Roman reverses him into a corner mounted one, and makes another comeback effort. Running big boot and the Superman Punch get two, but Corbin fights him off with a can of dog food, and chokeslams him through a table for two. Powerbomb through an announce table, but Reigns counters with a Samoan drop through it instead. I realized that I can totally ignore the match and only look up when I see both guys down out of the corner of my eye, because we'll be getting a replay of anything relevant at that point anyway. And the rest is decidedly irrelevant and tedious. Spear on the outside, but Dolph Ziggler materializes with a superkick to stop him, looking like he just stepped out of 2004. They try to string Reigns up to humiliate with dog food, but Roman finds a kendo stick, and fights them off. Them and their army of random goons. That goes on for a bit, until the Revival run out to put him down. This feels like karmic retribution for what Yokozuna and the Headshrinkers participated in back at Royal Rumble '94. Reigns fights everyone off again, but an attempt to spear Corbin for the win backfires when Ziggler pops back in with a chair. Well maybe if Roman was more focused on his spearing than his theatrics, that shit wouldn't happen. Revival hit him with a Shatter Machine, and Corbin adds the End of Days on a chair for the pin at 22:11. Would it kill them to book something that isn't boring? *

Bray Wyatt v Miz: Bray is the WWE Universal Champion, but this is non-title. And he's also not wrestling as 'Fiend' tonight, so no stupid red light, thankfully. I am digging that blue leather version of the title belt, though. I'm still a classic black strap guy, but I will admit that this shade of blue works really well for world titles. See also: WWF Big Eagle in 1998. I like Bray better as this version of the character, which has more like a Waylon Mercy kind of thing going on, as opposed to the supernatural shit with Fiend. Miz is all hot and bothered at the bell, and he kicks the piss out of Wyatt right away. He unloads multiple cross corner kneesmashes, but Bray no-sells, and tries Sister Abigail, but Miz blocks him. Miz works the arm, but Bray seems to be enjoying the pain - sufficiently freaking out some mom at ringside. Miz chucks him into the steps a few times, but misses a charge, and goes flying into the barricade. Wyatt with an Abigail on the floor, and he leaves Miz for dead out there, but Miz manages to beat the count. So then Bray just hits the move again on the inside, and pins him anyway at 6:36. Storytelling! Afterwards, Wyatt tries to squash Miz with a giant mallet, but Daniel Bryan shows up to make the save - instantly looking about ten years younger with the shorter hairstyle. ¼*

Table Match: Rusev v Bobby Lashley: I'm going to laugh so hard if Lashley and Lana actually end up falling for each other in real life, like the whole Sullivan/Benoit/Woman deal. Though hopefully with a happier ending. Rusev is all worked up at the bell, of course, but Lana stops him from getting hold of a table, and Bobby beats him down. Clothesline and an overhead stomachbreaker work, so Lashley sets a table up on the outside, but that gives Rusev time to recover, and he attacks before Bobby can use it. They brawl up the aisle, where Rusev suplexes him on the ramp, but an attempt to slam Lashley through a table doesn't work out. Bobby whips him into the steps on the way back inside, and Bobby uses a corner whip to keep Rusev docile while he brings a table in. He props it up in the corner, but Rusev has recovered enough to block a whip into it. Lashley tries a reverse STO into it instead, but Rusev blocks that as well, so Bobby uses a rotating spinebuster. On the mat, though. Lashley with a corner spear to buy time to set up another table, but Rusev blocks a superplex through it. He tries to slam Bobby through it, but Lashley bails to the apron to block. He tries a suplex to the outside, but Rusev keeps blocking that, and manages to shove Lashley off of the apron - Bobby managing to miss the table on the landing to save himself. Rusev responds by blasting him with the steps out there, and he finds an old school guardrail to drill Lashley with. Bobby goes to the eyes to fight him off, however, and he chokeslams Rusev through the rail. That allows him to find a kendo stick to tee off on Rusev with, and Lana is super into it. Kinky. Rusev manages to block a finishing blow, however, and he grabs the stick to return fire on Bobby with. I don't really get the whole kendo stick obsession. It's been over twenty years, and I still don't. Like, it clearly actually hurts (notice the massive welts), and I've always agreed with the Bret Hart mindset that wrestling is an art form where you're only supposed to make it look like you're hurting your opponent. Where's the artistry or finesse in actually beating on a guy? Anyone can do that! Rusev preps a table, but Lana comes in to jump on his back before he can use it, and Lashley suplexes him through it at 13:26. At least they didn't let this drag for twenty minutes. *

Main Event: WWE Women's Tag Team Title Tables, Ladders, and Chairs Match: The Kabuki Warriors v Becky Lynch and Charlotte Flair: Like the opener, no tags needed here. The challengers dominate at the bell, and dump the Warriors to the outside right away for tosses into various bits of furniture. Kairi Sane looks so tiny next to Charlotte. It's hard to believe she's Ric's daughter, because she towers over everyone like Hulk. Becky and Charlotte decide to play catch with Sane, passing her back and forth between announce tables for a bit, and it's climb time, but here's Asuka with a chair to kill that idea. She takes out Becky with a hip attack, and in comes Sane to double team Flair. They dropkick a chair into her face before turning back to Becky, but Lynch won't go quietly. That allows Flair enough time to recover, and they chuck Asuka into the post to knock her silly. Climb time, but they get distracted by Kairi throwing a tantrum on the outside, and neither climbs. Why? Doesn't really matter anyway, they brought in one of the short ladders anyway. Not sure why they even bother to put those out there. So Becky and Charlotte stupidly chase Sane around ringside, until Kairi finds a fire extinguisher to cool their jets, and Asuka returns with a lasso to turn the tide. Yes, an actual lasso. The Warriors use a kendo stick to wedge Charlotte into a chair for some strikes, then use the lasso to tie Becky to a ladder. These actually seems like real, logical strategies. I'm surprised it got past the draft stage. Climb time, but Charlotte is free, so they have to abandon the plan to take her out again. They dump her into the crowd to give themselves distance, but then take a fucking eternity to get back inside to climb, and Flair returns with a kendo stick to stop them. That was literally the slowest, least believable climb attempt I've ever seen. Even the video game ones are faster/more believable. She goes to free Becky, but Asuka stops that with a chair, leaving Becky to fight them both off WHILE TIED TO THE LADDER. Not the most believable, but it worked in an action movie hero sort of way. Becky unties herself and beats on Kairi with a kendo, while Charlotte comes back to life to beat on Asuka. Hey, what happened to the IIconics? I haven't seen them in a while, and I miss their goofy asses. Oh, sorry, does that seem irrelevant? My mind tends to wander during the long dead zones between big spots that this match is filled with. We live in a weird time when you can book a match filled with weapons and gimmicks, and it's legitimately boring. Like, I remember as a kid when a ladder match got booked, and you knew you were in for a RIDE. Now, I see this on the card and I groan. Like, I honestly get more out of chain wrestling than these. Okay, so Becky finally makes a climb attempt (there have been surprisingly few actual climb attempts in this thing), but the lasso is still tied to the ladder, and Asuka tips it over from the outside, then grabs the belts at 25:58. This was really long and quite boring, too. ¾*

BUExperience: Honestly... I'm having so much fun reviewing old school wrestling. I really look forward to it and actively enjoy it. More and more, I'm starting to question why I even bother with these modern shows, because they're increasingly becoming a chore, and the time I have to dedicate to watching wrestling is so limited anyway. I'll still press on with them, because that's just what I do, but I'm thinking I need to start deprioritizing them. Big time.

DUD