WWE Royal Rumble (January 2020)

 

Original Airdate: January 26, 2020

From Houston, Texas; Your Hosts are Tom Phillips and Jerry Lawler (RAW); Michael Cole and Corey Graves (Smackdown)

Opening Falls Count Anywhere Match: Roman Reigns v King Corbin: This show once again proves that baseball stadiums make the best venues for wrestling shows. Corbin does the old 'jobbers carrying him out on a throne' gimmick, which immediately earns him points with me. And these are high quality jobbers - actually setting the throne down on the floor instead of making him have to get off on the thin plank of the apron. Reigns is less impressed, however, and he attacks them. That seems a tad cruel, considering they're just hired help. Corbin (rightly) defends the honor of his crew, but Reigns whips him into the steps, and we head in for a ten-punch count in the corner. You don't see too many of those anymore. Corbin tries to bail into the crowd, but Roman cuts him off, and drops him with a few headbutts on the floor. Back in, Reigns hits a side suplex for two, but Corbin counters the Superman Punch with the Deep Six for two. Getting into the signature move trading early here, I see. Hopefully that means this thing won't drag on for too long, but I'm not holding my breath. Gotta fill those FOUR HOURS, after all. To the outside again, where Corbin whacks him with the steps, but Roman reverses him into an announce table, so Corbin bails into the crowd. Reigns chases for a little tour of the arena, giving everyone a chance to take videos on their phones. Back to ringside, Corbin grabs the ring bell to fight Reigns off with, and a chokeslam on the announce table is worth two. Reigns tries the Superman out there, but Corbin catches him for another chokeslam, this time through an announce table for two. Back into the crowd for another photo op tour, as this thing is less than ten minutes in, and is already dragging badly, with tons of repetition. They end up over at the international announce section, where Reigns fights Corbin off with a Samoan drop through one of their tables. And then gives him another one through another table for two, since I guess booking is hard, and so the agents just copy down stuff they do in the videogames now. But even in the games these guys have more diverse move sets, and the matches are generally over in under ten minutes. They continue to tour, this time ending up where the A/V crew is set up, but here are Dolph Ziggler and Robert Roode to prevent Reigns from using on chair on King. They all beat him down for a bit, until suddenly the Usos show up out of nowhere to make the save. I get the idea, but it's so goofy from a kayfabe perspective. Like, I can see Roode and Ziggler doing the sneak attack, but why would the Usos randomly be hanging out in this particular section of the building, miles and miles from the entrance/backstage areas? Reigns and Corbin take a rest as the match turns into an Usos battle with Ziggler/Roode, and the camera crew actively tries to induce seizures in the audience. Seriously guys, CALM THE FUCK DOWN! Reigns and Corbin recover to resume their tour of Minute Maid Park, this time ending up where some porta-potties are set up, ending in Corbin getting stuffed in one, and tipped over. Sadly, Corbin doesn't come out covered in shit, since it's still early in the show, and no one has had to wreck one of those yet. I'm surprised they didn't give in to that impulse though, especially given all the tales over the years about Vince's penchant for bathroom humor. More touring, this time ending up on top of a dugout - which is actually a cool use of the unique setting, so I'll allow it. Corbin grabs a chair and starts fucking Reigns on the dugout like he's Jennifer Jason Leigh, but Roman returns fire with a Superman Punch, followed by a spear for the pin at 21:22. I know I'm just screaming into the void here, but this whole trend of every fucking match needing twenty+ minutes has really got to stop. Nothing about this warranted such a long runtime. I don't think there were more than five actual moves the whole match, with tons of repetition. ½*

#1 Contender's 30-Woman Royal Rumble Match: Ninety second intervals this year. Alexa Bliss draws #1 and Bianca Belair gets #2 to start us off. Belair tries to toss her right away, but Alexa is way too fresh for that, and it goes nowhere. Belair beats on her in the corner instead, and a backbreaker sets up a standing moonsault as #3 draw Molly Holly joins the party. Here's what I hate about this era: Molly comes in, poses on the ropes for an extended period... while Bliss and Belair just stand there like idiots instead of just pushing her out. I know kayfabe is dead, buried, and the grave has been pissed on for years... but if you're a fan you WANT to pretend! It's no different than suspending disbelief for some goofy action movie. Why make it impossible to enjoy? Nikki Cross is #4, which of course leads to some teaming with Bliss. #5 is Lana, and she cuts a promo on the way to the ring, before running wild on everyone on the inside. Mercedes Martinez is #6... and you don't care. Stop pretending. Nothing of note going on here, as they're just doing the same old boring 'person comes in, runs wild for a bit, repeat for next entry' thing. Which is just so tired. #7 is Liv Morgan, and that's it for Lana. And then Liv just stands there staring at her for, like, an hour, until Mercedes dumps her to the apron, and Lana finishes the job. That gives us the old Jerry Springer catfight out on the floor, until #8 entry Mandy Rose comes out, and everyone stops caring about the brawl on the floor. I guess with Liv and Lana out, we needed the platinum blonde quota filled. #9 is Candice LeRae, and she comes flying in with a missile dropkick on Mercedes, then hits a springboard moonsault on Nikki. Belair gets rid of Holly, and Alexa tosses Mandy... only for Rose to land on Otis, who somehow happened to be taking a nap on the floor right where she was. That's some spectacular stalking, Otis! Crowd goes nuts for it, too. I skim RAW and Smackdown, and I've been digging that angle too, though it's taking forever to get to the damn point already. But it's fun, so whatever. Sonya Deville draws #10, runs wild, lather, rinse, repeat. The crowd is busy interacting with Otis to really pay attention anyway. She and Mandy dump Martinez, as WWE Women's Tag Team Champion Kairi Sane joins the party at #11. And she brings her umbrella! She could put an eye out with that thing! Mia Yim is #12, as Belair tries press-slamming Bliss out, but Cross saves. That leads to Nikki getting dumped by Belair, so Alexa goes for the hair braid as payback. Bliss tries tossing Rose, but Otis catches her, so Belair grabs Sonya and chucks her at them both for a double elimination. Kinda wish they ran with the Otis storyline for a little longer tonight. They could have done a lot more with it. Dana Brooke draws lucky #13 to keep us in platinum, as Belair dumps Candice, and Bliss has a miniature-off with Sane in the corner - ending in Kairi's elimination. Tamina is #14, you know the drill. She takes everyone out, but Belair isn't in the mood, and backdrops her ass out. Boy, they're pushing Belair kinda hard tonight, aren't they? Dakota Kai gets #15, giving us the uncomfortable image of a person with terrible knees trying to sprint. Bliss dumps Yim as #16 draw Chelsea Green joins the fray. No idea who she is. She dumps Kai right away, but then gets instantly pushes out by Alexa. And then Alexa and Bianca team up to toss Brooke, leaving the original two alone in the ring again. They tease a double elimination, but Alexa loses a tug-of-war with Belair's braid, and Bliss is gone. Bianca doesn't have much time to celebrate though, as #17 draw Charlotte Flair makes her way in. Slowly. Like, Belair is sucking wind in the corner, maybe you want to hurry it along? She pounds Belair with chops, and hits a suplex, but misses a charge in the corner, and knocks herself silly. #18 is Naomi, making her return for the first time since July. I didn't even recognize her at first. She and Charlotte do the mutual respect thing and beat on Belair, but of course, Charlotte turns on her. I hate to victim blame, but that's Naomi's own fault. Who trusts a Flair?! #19 is Beth Phoenix. I was wondering why she wasn't on commentary for this. She tries some blonde on blonde with Charlotte, but I guess Naomi isn't a Dylan fan, because she ain't having it. Toni Storm gets #20, but she's only part blonde, so it's okay. Flair dumps Belair to end that run at over thirty minutes, as Kelly Kelly comes in at #21. Which makes sense, since when I was twenty one I definitely spent a lot of time thinking about Kelly Kelly. And drinking. Sometimes at the same time, but it wasn't as effective that way. She gives Toni a stinkface, which is a weird crossing of eras. Beth makes a fiery effort to dump Charlotte, but that ain't happening honey. #22 is Sarah Logan, and it makes sense that she's dressed like a Bushwhacker, because she's gone in seconds via Charlotte. And then Flair tosses Kelly for good measure. #23 is Natalya, who I honestly kind of forgot existed. She does the obligatory reunion with Beth, but even that isn't enough to get rid of Charlotte. She's such a favorite to win that even the announcers are straight up predicting it. God, 90s Vince would have crucified them. Xia Li draws #24, another one I've never heard of. And even she gets more of a reaction than Sarah Logan did. #25 is Zelina Vega. I miss Alexa. Has nothing to do with Zelina, but I just do, and you should know. Charlotte fights off a triple team elimination attempt from Beth, Natalya, and Li, as #26 draw Shotzi Blackheart joins the fray. Who? The ordering has been pretty good most of the way, but they're bringing out a lot of relative unknowns in the late stretch, which is not great. Naomi does a cool elimination tease where she clings to the barricade to avoid touching the floor, and she hangs out on an announce table, as Carmella comes in at #27. Beth and Natalya are still hell bent on tossing Charlotte, but it's just not a thing that's going to happen, guys. Gals. #28 is Tegan Nox, which gives us another unfortunate visual of someone with wrecked knees having to run a long distance. And then she eats a Glam Slam from Beth as soon as she arrives. There are just way too many NXT people in there right now. #29 is Santino Marella (as Santina) to give us the gag with Beth. Not unwelcome, but not this late in the match. So he wants to hug Beth and team up, but she wants no part of it, and Natalya is here to help mess him up. Marella wants no part of that, however, and eliminates himself. Shayna Baszler draws #30 to round out the field, and she's about the only believable winner other than Charlotte. She dumps Li right away, and then tosses Nox like trash. Vega's next, followed by Blackheart, as Naomi uses the hood of the announce table to build a bridge back to the ring. Carmella tries to superkick Baszler, but gets dumped, as does Storm. Naomi dives back into the match with an attack on Baszler, but gets immediately shrugged off and tossed, leaving Charlotte Flair, Beth Phoenix, Natalya, and Shayna Baszler as the final four. Decent field, and at least there are two potential winners in there. Beth and Natalya put the hurt on Baszler with a Hart Attack to finally stop her... and then Phoenix promptly turns on Nattie, and tosses her. She gets some instant karma in the form of Baszler, but manages to hang on when Flair tries pushing them both over the top. Looked like she was supposed to eat it there, but didn't. Flair and Baszler don't notice though, and pretend they're alone anyway. And then Baszler just tosses Beth anyway. Baszler pushes Flair over the top, but Flair skins the cat, and uses a headscissors to pull Baszler out at 54:17! Kind of a weak finish. This one had lots of bad habits throughout, but was generally fun, and they did a good job with the entry order most of the way through, before falling apart with a logjam of underwhelming people at the end, right when they needed some big names. I'd slot this one well below the original from 2018, and slightly below last year's. ** ½

WWE Smackdown Women's Title Match: Bayley v Lacey Evans: Evans blitzes her at the bell, and gets a bunch of nearfalls, but can't put the champ away. Bayley's in trouble, so she fakes a leg injury to buy time, and of course nails Evans with a cheap shot. Well, at least they didn't have Evans actually buying that bullshit like a moron. Bayley with a flying elbowdrop for two, and she works a chinlock to wear Lacey down for a snap suplex for two. Back to the chinlock, but Evans escapes with a headscissors takedown, so Bayley charges her with a clothesline for two. Backelbow gets two, and it's more chinlock. You know there's a lot of it when even the little graphic for this match on the time bar shows Bayley working a chinlock. Bayley with a 2^nd rope bodypress, but Evans dodges, and she starts making a comeback. She badly botches a springboard, so Bayley bails to the outside to reset things, and Evans gets thrown into the barricade out there, right in front of her kid. Back in, it's Bayley-to-Belly time, but Evans counters with a neckbreaker. Standing moonsault sets up a springboard flying version, but Bayley lifts the knees to block, and she covers for the pin at 9:26. Total house show match. ½*

WWE Universal Title Strap Match: Bray Wyatt v Daniel Bryan: And you thought the Spinner belt was ugly. No red light for this one, thankfully. And this is to a pinfall, not four corner rules, also thankfully. Hopefully that means they're given up on it. Bray tries to rope him in with the strap, but Bryan is ready with right hands, and then kicks in the corner. Ten-punch count, but Bray fights him off with a spinebuster, and he unloads with the strap. Wyatt with a headbutt, but Bryan dumps him to the outside to buy time. Tope, but Wyatt sends him into the barricade to block, and it's more abuse with the strap on the outside. Inside, Wyatt hits a uranage between shots with the strap, but Daniel blocks the Sister Abigail, and hits a running kneesmash for two. Wyatt tries a desperate charge, but Daniel dodges, and Bray takes a spill over the top. Bryan dives after him, and unloads mounted punches, then uses the strap to pull Bray into the post a few times. Daniel dives with a knee from the apron, but Bray immediately rebounds at him with a clothesline, and he unloads with the strap again. They end up on an announce table, where Bryan manages a DDT, but it doesn't break. Looked like they were expecting it to there. Now in control, Bryan decides to return fire with the strap, and he lands a 2^nd rope dropkick on the way back into the ring. He beats on Bray with a Yes Kick/strap shot alternating combo next, but Wyatt is ready with the Sister when Daniel goes in for the kill! Cover, count, two! Mandible Claw, but Bryan manages to use the strap to trap him in a crossface, and he wrenches back. Wyatt escapes with mounted punches, and he unloads with the strap again to calm Daniel down. Abigail, but Bryan counters with a schoolboy for two, and adds a running kneesmash for two. The crowd is really into the idea of Bryan pulling it off here. Bray is up and ready for more, so Daniel comes at him with the strap, but Wyatt just absorbs the shots, and slaps on the Claw at 17:31. Dare I say this was actually a DECENT Fiend match? **

WWE RAW Women's Title Match: Becky Lynch v Asuka: Feeling out process to start, and Asuka gets an early advantage. She tries a few cradles for two, so Becky throws power moves at her, and the challenger ends up on the outside. Becky with a baseball slide, but Asuka blocks. Running hip attack on the apron, but Becky dodges, and she gets a version of the Dis-Arm-Her on the ropes until the referee intervenes. Lynch adds a flying dropkick for two, but Asuka returns fire with a neckbreaker across the middle rope, and a dropkick of her own gets two. Shining wizard gets two, so Asuka works a hammerlock, but Becky uses the power of the arse to escape. Lynch with a bulldog and a dropkick for two, and they spill out to the apron to fight over a suplex - won by Becky with a release forward version on the floor. Lynch adds a dropkick from off of the apron out there, and a suplex into the barricade follows. Becky with a flying legdrop for two on the way back in, so she pounds her challenger with uppercuts, until Asuka manages a backslide for two to counter. Asuka unloads strikes, so Becky tries a suplex, but Asuka counters with a fisherman’s spinebuster for two. Lynch bails to the apron, so Asuka follows, and they fight it out there - won by Asuka with a running hip attack into the post. Asuka with a suplex back in, but Becky blocks, and hits a uranage off the middle rope for two! That was a fun little sequence. Becky tries a dive off the middle, but Asuka lifts the knees to block for two, and she shifts right into a cross-armbreaker from there. Lynch fights into a cradle for two, but Asuka uses the kickout's momentum to grab the Asuka-Lock. Lynch is in the ropes to save her title, but she's still battered, and Asuka hits a release German suplex on her. That knocks Becky silly, so Asuka capitalizes with a kick right to the brain, and Lynch may be out. The referee wants to stop the match, but Becky comes to, and refuses to let him. Asuka don't care, unloading a series of kicks to put this ginger away, but they only get two. Asuka-Lock, but Lynch counters to the Dis-Arm-Her. Asuka counters back with a schoolgirl for two, leading to a reversal sequence ending in Becky hitting an inverted DDT for two. Both stagger up, and Asuka tries the mist, but Becky dodges, and she Dis-Arms-Her at 16:24. Maybe not quite as good as the match they had at last year's show, but still filled with energy and high impact moves. So, basically, everything the earlier women's title match was missing. ***

Main Event: #1 Contender's 30-Man Royal Rumble Match: Booker T sits in on commentary for this one, and it's ninety second intervals for this one as well. WWE Champion Brock Lesnar gets #1 and Elias gets #2. That seems kind of lopsided. And by 'kind of' I mean 'extremely. But Elias' hair is looking glorious tonight. So there's that. Brock totally murders him right out of the gate, with Elias trying to distance himself, but just getting mauled. And then Brock bashes him with the guitar before tossing him, just to be a jerk. Erick Rowan gets #3, and it looks like he's found Bad News Brown's sewer rats from SummerSlam '90! Unfortunately for him, Brock really hates sewer rats, and murders him in seconds. #4 is Robert Roode, and he tries going toe-to-toe with Brock. He gets some traction, but only momentarily before getting nailed with an F5, and tossed. Brock is having such an easy go of it that he stops to parade around with the title belt mid-match. John Morrison gets #5, and he's gone via an overhead suplex right away. This is the most Brock-like Rumble ever, with lots of downtime, and not having to do much. And he's STILL sweating profusely anyway! But, hey, at least it's something DIFFERENT, and not all the clichés that plagued the women's version. WWE Smackdown Tag Team Champion Kofi Kingston draws #6, and actually manages to survive the period. I mean, he gets killed, but he's still standing when #7 draw Rey Mysterio comes out to play. Rey tries sticking and moving, but Brock quickly clobbers him, and he hits both guys with a double short-clothesline. Suplex city time, and both guys bail to avoid getting tossed. WWE Smackdown Tag Team Champion Big E gets #8, and he rallies the other two to triple up on Brock. They manage to take him down, and Big E hits the Big Ending to set up a 619 from Rey. Spear from Big E sets up a charge from Rey, but Brock is ready, and Mysterio gets backdropped out. Big E then gets clotheslined out, and Kofi takes an F5 out. Wow, he didn't even get to do a single elimination tease this year. Cesaro is #9, but takes a suplex and a clothesline out pretty quickly. Well, it's been easy money all around tonight. Shelton Benjamin draws #10, and Lesnar is actually happy to see him, giving him a hug and a handshake. And a suplex. And he's done. WWE Intercontinental Champion Shinsuke Nakamura is #11, and he manages to land a couple of strikes before getting tossed as well. Montel Vontavious Porter draws #12, in a return no one was waiting for. Even Brock looks confused. He tries to chase Paul Heyman around, but that ends badly for him when Brock drops him with an F5, and tosses his ass out. Keith Lee gets lucky #13, and Brock literally asks "who is this motherfucker?" Lesnar's actually been really funny between entrants here. Lee takes him down with a shoulderblock, and he adds a quick avalanche in the corner, but Brock comes rebounding out after a cross corner whip, and we get a double knockout spot as Braun Strowman enters at #14. He starts drilling both guys with avalanches, and hits Lee
with a dropkick to send him to the outside (through the ropes). Clothesline puts a dazed Brock down, but he manages to block an elimination attempt with a German suplex. He alternates with suplexes on Lee and Strowman until running out of gas, leaving those two to slug it out... until Lesnar sneaks up and pushes both over the top! That was pretty great. Ricochet draws #15, and he tries a springboard dive, but Lesnar catches him in a backbreaker. He adds a German suplex, but Ricochet manages to hang on long enough for Drew McIntyre to join at #16. He cautiously enters, but doesn't back down from the Beast. Brock takes off the gloves to slug it out, but Ricochet pops him with a kick to the balls from behind, and Drew boots Lesnar out with the Claymore Kick to end his fun. Well, it was a hell of a run. Drew celebrates, allowing Ricochet to dive at him with a missile dropkick. Running shooting star press follows, but Drew catches him on the landing, and dead lifts him back to a vertical base to toss. That was pretty awesome. #17 is Miz, and he gets caught with a double-arm DDT from Drew right away. Claymore, and that's it for Miz, allowing McIntyre to get back into his staring contest with the eliminated Lesnar. AJ Styles draws #18, and he tries cutting Drew down by kicking at the leg, and using the Calf Crusher, but he can't really get it on. #19 is Dolph Ziggler, and it feels like he would have been better Lesnar-bait than some of the guys they wasted on him. Styles clips McIntyre's knee as Ziggler makes it into the ring, but Drew still chucks Dolph across it with a suplex anyway. Ha! #20 is Karl Anderson, and he goes right for McIntyre to save AJ from elimination. Edge draws #21, making his big returns to the ring for the first time since 2011. And he comes in hot, passing out spears, before getting caught with a pele kick from AJ. He manages to fight him off and hit a spear anyway, and the crowd is feeling this return. King Corbin draws #22, since we haven't seen enough of him for one night, apparently. Edge tosses AJ, and here comes Matt Riddle at #23. He pops the shoes off on the way into the ring, and it's strikes for everyone...until Corbin just casually tosses him out before the period is even over. Luke Gallows gets #24, and now we've settled back into the usual formula. Baron hits Edge with a Deep Six, but wastes time celebrating, and McIntyre dumps him. Randy Orton draws #25, and he saves former partner Edge from abuse at the hands of Gallows and Anderson. They work together to eliminate them, then stay united to pound McIntyre and Ziggler. Roman Reigns gets #26, and it's spear time for Ziggler, followed by tossing time. Followed by get the hell off of my screen time. Kevin Owens draws #27, and he finds four guys down in four opposite corners, and you know what he's going to do with that! Aleister Black is #28, and he dominates the field for a bit, but nothing major happens. Some good selling all around for him, though. Samoa Joe enters at #29, but he doesn't do much of note before WWE RAW Tag Team Champion Seth Rollins rounds out the field at #30. He brings his crew with him to jump guys before he even gets into the ring, and they stay around ringside messing with people afterwards as well. This is some terrible officiating. Black gets tossed as a result of their interference, as do Owens and Joe. That leads to those three ganging up to drive the heels away from ringside, and without his posse, Seth suddenly doesn't look so tough anymore. He tries to forge an alliance with Reigns, but Roman ain't buying it, and everyone takes turns teeing off on him, before Drew tosses him. That leaves Drew McIntyre, Edge, Randy Orton, and Roman Reigns as the final four, which is a really good field, actually. Rated RKO work together to control the match, and we get a funny bit where Orton teases a turn... only to get turned on and dumped by Edge after not going through with it. Ha! Now alone, Edge falls prey with a Superman Punch from Roman, but the spear misses, and Edge hits one of his own. He tosses Reigns over the top, but Roman lands on the apron, and pulls Edge over as well. They fight it out on the apron, won by Reigns to eliminate Edge. He's still on the outside, so Drew charges, but Reigns manages to fight him off and get back inside. Spear, but McIntyre blocks with a Claymore, and he tosses Reigns for the win at 60:08. I really enjoyed the first half with Brock killing everyone and goofing around, but the match lost a lot of steam after he left (despite technically having more action), and it dragged a little towards the end, especially in the final portion. Still a pretty fun Rumble, mostly because they were willing to tinker with the formula a bit this year. ** ¾

BUExperience: The two Rumbles were generally fun, the rest pretty forgettable. It’s not worth your four hours, but it also wasn’t a total drag to sit through either, and that’s already something of a win.

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