WWF WrestleMania 13 (Version II)

 

Original Airdate: March 23, 1997

From Chicago, Illinois; Your Hosts are Vince McMahon, Jim Ross, and Jerry Lawler

Opening #1 Contender's Four Corners Elimination Match: The Godwinns v Doug Furnas and Philip LaFon v The Headbangers v The New Blackjacks: First WrestleMania appearance for everyone in the match, expect Blackjack Windham, who last appeared way back at the first WrestleMania. The Blackjacks rush in to force a brawl right away, and the dust settles on Henry Godwinn with Blackjack Bradshaw. Bradshaw gets the better of a slugfest, but loses a criss cross when Henry throws a clothesline. Henry passes to Thrasher, but Bradshaw quickly fights him off with a big boot, and he adds a pump-handle slam before tagging Phineas Godwinn in. Bradshaw punches him in the face during the exchange, but Phineas still manages to hit Thrasher with a backdrop, on his way to tagging Mosh in. Of course, it's elimination rules, and not even the Headbangers are that fucking dumb. So, instead they tag LaFon into the match, and hit him with some double teaming. LaFon fights off Mosh, and Windham tags in, but LaFon suplexes him for two. He tags to Furnas, and Doug fucking SNAP Windham with a rana for two. Beautiful execution on that one. Windham fights him off with a slam and a legdrop, however, and he tags out to Bradshaw for a double team. Bradshaw goes for the Clothesline from Hell, but Doug ducks, and Bradshaw takes a spill to the outside. Doug tries suplexing him back in from the apron, but Bradshaw reverses, and Windham is waiting with an attack out there. The referee objects, so Bradshaw shoves him to the ground for the lame DQ at 4:48. Come on, we can't get clean finishes at fucking WrestleMania now? Back to business with the Godwinns working over Thrasher, as apparently Furnas and LaFon were also counted out during the chaos, since one shitty elimination wasn't enough, I suppose. Would it have at least killed them to leave the Blackjacks in so we could have a heel team to do a proper heat segment? Because the Godwinns aren't getting it done, and the crowd is already going for snacks in the first match. Mosh gets the tag, so Henry barrels into him with a clothesline that sends both men over the top, and holy shit, they're going to do another countout, aren't they? Mosh dives with a springboard bodypress to knock Henry off of the apron, and Thrasher gets to the top to dive with a rocket launcher from there, while Phineas just kind of stands a few feet away, doing nothing. Back in, the Headbangers work Henry over, but Thrasher misses a flying moonsault, and Phineas gets the tag. He comes in hot, and looks to finish Mosh with the Slop Drop, but Thrasher saves. That allows Mosh to get to the top with a flying seated senton for the pin at 10:41. This was fine, but no one cared. * ½ (Original rating: ½*)

WWF Intercontinental Title Match: Rocky Maivia v Sultan: Honky Tonk Man joins us on commentary here. Iron Sheik's gimmick felt so tired at this point, out there waving the flag like anyone really gave a shit about Iran in 1997. A few years later that might have gotten some traction again, but not at that point. Slugfest leads to a criss cross, and Rocky tenaciously takes the fight to his challenger. Pair of dropkick send Sultan to the outside, so Rocky threatens a dive, but thinks better of it. Lucha Rocky is still a Rocky I can't wrap my mind around. He follows to the outside in more traditional fashion, but misses a clothesline against the post, and Sultan works the part as they head back in. Sultan's look was so dramatic in '97, but he looks just like any schmo on the street here in the era of COVID-19. Sultan with a bodyslam to set up a flying splash for two, and a belly-to-belly suplex is worth two. Sultan works a chinlock, which, you know, how lazy can you get? Would it kill him to at least use a hold targeting the arm? Rocky fights free, but a criss cross sees them collide, and both men are left looking up at the lights. Rocky rolls over with a cover for two, but Sultan gets to his feet first, and puts a pounding on the champion. Rocky starts no-selling in an Ultimate Warrior meets Tatanka fashion, and he delivers a belly-to-belly suplex of his own for two. Floatover DDT sets up the flying bodypress, but Sheik is distracting the referee, so no count. Rocky goes after the manager, allowing Sultan to recover, and he blasts the champion with a superkick for two. Sultan adds a piledriver for two, but Rocky counters a bodyslam with a schoolboy for the weak pin at 9:39. Really, he can't get a more definitive win over Sultan? I figured the entire reason they booked a non-contender like Sultan to begin with is just to Rocky could get a big win over someone. Afterwards, Sultan attacks, and Sheik puts him in the Camel Clutch, so Rocky Johnson (Maivia's father) runs in to make the save. Iron Sheik, Rocky Johnson, Bob Backlund... 1983 just be shitting itself with excitement right now. Kind of weird that they spent weeks hyping up Tony Atlas as Rocky's guardian angel, then showed him in the crowd before the match... and then he doesn't get involved at all. Don't get me wrong, Rocky's dad was always the right choice, but why spend weeks positioning him with Atlas if you're going to go a different way? ¾* (Original rating: ½*)

Hunter Hearst Helmsley v Goldust: Goldust pounds him around the ring to start, and an inverted atomic drop leads to a clothesline over the top. Hunter gets back to the apron, so Goldust slugs him to tie HHH up in the ropes, and he unloads. Goldust with a smash into the post before clotheslining Hunter back into the ring, but a backdrop gets countered on him with a kneeling facebuster. HHH tries a clothesline from there, but Goldust is ready with a snap powerslam, and he goes to the top, but Hunter sends him crashing down to the floor before he can dive. HHH with a flying fist for two on the way back in, and he goes to work. Pair of cross corner whips rattle Goldust for a swinging neckbreaker for two, and HHH works an abdominal stretch from there. The referee busts him using the ropes, allowing Goldust to hiptoss out of the hold, so Hunter throws a high knee for two. Chinlock, but Goldust escapes, so Hunter gives him a vertical suplex to set up a kneedrop for two. HHH with a DDT, but a hiptoss is countered with a backslide for two, and Goldust hooks a small package for two. HHH throws a clothesline to keep control of the contest, so Goldust tries a bodyslam, but Hunter topples him for two. Criss cross goes Goldust's way with a bodypress for two, but another one results in a double knockout spot. HHH recovers first, and gets to the top with a dive, but Goldust is ready with a hip attack to block, and both guys look up at the lights again. Both men stagger to a vertical base, and HHH tries a desperation charge in the corner, but Goldust dodges. Goldust starts making a comeback, and a bulldog gets him two. Curtain Call, but HHH counters to the Pedigree, only for Goldust to counter back with a catapult into the ropes. Curtain Call, but Goldust sees Chyna advancing on Marlena (right in front of Stu Hart, and BOY would I love to know his reaction to Chyna), and gets distracted. That allows Hunter to ram him with a knee, and the Pedigree finishes at 15:31. Another dull pay per view encounter between these two, even more so than the Royal Rumble match. * ¾ (Original rating: *)

WWF Tag Team Title Match: Davey Boy Smith and Owen Hart v Vader and Mankind: Owen starts with Vader, and Vader unloads on him in the corner. Owen forces a criss cross and lands a spinheel kick, but a bodypress gets caught in a slam. Vader tries an elbowdrop, but Owen dodges. Hart tries a rana, but Vader counters with a powerbomb, and he goes up to the middle for the Vaderbomb, but Bulldog knocks him off before he can dive. That draws Mankind in to stomp the shit out of Davey Boy, but Smith ducks a double team, and puts both challengers down with a clothesline. That allows Owen to recover with a dropkick on both guys, and the dust settles on Smith and Mankind. Bulldog puts the boots to him in the corner, and he delivers a hanging vertical suplex, but Vader runs in on him. Bulldog fights him off with a suplex too, and he cuts off a recovering Mankind with a snapmare into a chinlock. Mankind escapes, and forces a criss cross, but here's Vader to pull down the top rope, and Smith takes a spill over the top. The heels bash him with the urn out there, but Davey beats the count back in, where Vader is waiting with a vertical suplex for two. Vader with an avalanche ahead of a 2^nd rope splash for two, and Mankind comes in with a running kneesmash in the corner, as the challengers cut the ring in half. Bulldog catches another Vader dive off the middle with a powerslam to allow the hot tag to Owen, and Hart comes in with a flying dropkick. Back to the top with a flying bodypress for two, but a charge ends badly when Vader bodyblocks him like a proper monster. He dumps Owen to the outside and holds him across his knee for Mankind to dive off the apron with an elbowdrop onto, and Mankind snaps his throat across the top rope when Owen tries fighting off a suplex back in. It's kind of crazy to think that everyone in the match (even the manager) are gone, except for the guy whose famous for taking the most insane bumps around. Back in, Owen fights off a hold with a DDT, but a splash hits the knees, and Mankind hooks the leg for one. Mankind with a cross corner whip, but he knocks himself silly on the follow-up charge, and Hart spinheel kicks him for two. It's fun watching Owen get to play a babyface again, even if just for a match. Vader comes in to cut off any comeback, but Owen escapes a suplex, and throws an enzuigiri. He can't get to the corner, however, and Vader flattens him with an elbowdrop. Back to Mankind to dump Hart to the outside, but a charge out there ends badly when Owen grabs him with a belly-to-belly suplex on the floor. Back in, Hart uses a leg-feed enzuigiri to get the tag to Bulldog, and Smith comes in hot. Running Powerslam, but Mankind counters to the Mandible Claw, and Vader cuts off a save from Owen. That backfires when Vader accidentally knocks Hart into Mankind, and both Mankind and Smith take a spill to the outside for the double countout at 15:28. Another bad finish tonight. This has to rank as one of the more disappointing matches of the era, as this should have been a total classic, but totally wasn't. It was a good match in general, and I enjoyed watching the champs work as babyfaces, but in what world is this group getting sixteen minutes not hitting around four-stars? ** ¾ (Original rating: * ¼)

Submission Match: Bret Hart v Steve Austin: Ken Shamrock acts as the special guest referee for this one. Austin tackles him down for mounted punches right away, but Bret responds in kind, and they spill to the outside to continue slugging it out. Hart reverses Steve into the post out there, but Steve counters a suplex by dropping the Hitman crotch-first across the guardrail. Clothesline knocks him into the crowd, and they brawl into the stands, where Steve tries a piledriver on the steps, but Bret counters with a backdrop. Bret throws him back over the rail and dives off of it with a fistdrop at ringside, but Austin reverses a whip into the steps, and the Hitman hits hard. Steve dives with a forearm from the apron, and he grabs the steps to bash Bret's brains in, but Hart manages to block. By using the very brains Austin wanted to bash in. That's poetic justice. Inside, Hart delivers a swinging neckbreaker, and a 2^nd rope pointed elbowdrop nails Steve in the back of the head. Bret starts going after the leg, but misses a springboard onto it, and Austin hits the Stunner early. Pinfalls don't matter here, though, so it goes nowhere. And, anyway, Steve is hobbling around on a bad leg, and has no follow-up. That allows Hart to kick the leg out again, and he takes Austin to the corner to slap on the ring post figure four. Steve's selling of the leg thus far has been exemplary. Hart grabs the ring bell, but then spots a chair, and decides he'd rather really hobble Stone Cold with that instead. He sets up some Pillmanizing, but Austin gets to his feet, and whacks Bret with the chair to knock the Hitman off the top rope. Steve unloads with the weapon a second time, and a slam follows. Cross corner whip rattles the Hitman's bones, but Steve is right on him again with a snap suplex to set up a 2^nd rope pointed elbowdrop. Austin keeps taunting him with a Russian legsweep, and he ties Hart up on the mat with an octopus hold, but Bret won't give up. Steve responds by trying a Boston crab, but Hart makes the ropes. Undeterred, Austin decides to really step it up by putting Bret in the Sharpshooter, but Hart goes to the eyes to block, and throws a series of rights. Steve dumps him to the outside to cut off a comeback, and he follows to whip Bret into the timekeeper's table, but Hart reverses. Bret follows over to unload on him with rights, and Steve is busted open. Never noticed that detail of the blood on Lawler's format sheet before, that was a great tidbit from the recent Stone Cold podcast. Hart shows no mercy, sending Steve into the steps and post, and he unloads with mounted punches on the way back in, as Steve bleeds all over the place. Backbreaker sets up a 2^nd rope pointed elbowdrop, and Hart grabs the chair to start beating on Steve's leg with. Sharpshooter, but Austin goes to the eyes to block, so Bret just destroys him with fists in the corner. Austin is battered, but still manages to punt a field goal downstairs before he collapses, buying him time. That allows Austin to recover with a cross corner whip, and he stomps a mud hole in the Hitman, acting like a wild man. Steve takes him upstairs for a vertical superplex, and though he's in control, he's badly battered. He decides to grab some electrical cable to choke a submission out of the Hitman, but Bret is able to grab the discarded ring bell from earlier, and bash Stone Cold with it to shake him off. That allows Hart to capitalize with the Sharpshooter, and he's got it locked in nicely. Austin is in a bad way, the ropes out of reach, and little he can do. Anyway, he doesn't even seem to want the ropes, doesn't want to give Bret the pleasure. Steve fights it, pain plain on his face. He looks spent, looks finished, when he suddenly manages to muster the strength to push Bret off, blood pouring down his face in dramatic fashion as he does. Unfortunately, it only buys him a moment, as Hart is able to immediately reposition himself in the hold, and now Austin realizes he's done. Out of desperation, he makes a reach for the ropes. They're too far, and there is no escape, but he refuses to quit - instead passing out to give Bret the win at 22:06. Man, as many times as I've seen this, it's still great! I've never been as big a fan of this match as many others, especially since I got tired of some of the clichés it popularized, but you can't deny what a war it was, and that it really is a masterpiece. For my money, I still prefer stuff like Bret's match with Owen at WrestleMania, but this is easily one of the most influential and exciting matches of all time. And, of course, a great deal of its reputation is built around what happens after the bell, as Hart continues to attack an unconscious Austin, and the crowd turns on him, and starts cheering Stone Cold. They did a great job foreshadowing the double turn during the buildup, but it was still a really brilliant feat to actually pull it off, especially considering just how loved Bret was for so long, and just how horrible Austin was during this period. Shawn Michaels must have been eating his heart out backstage, watching these two not only steal the show, but deliver one of the most memorable WrestleMania moments ever. ***** (Original rating: **** ½)

Six-Man Tag Team Chicago Street Fight: Ahmed Johnson and The Legion of Doom v Faarooq, Savio Vega, and Crush: Faarooq decides to attack all three guys on his own to start the match, and somehow Crush still ends up being the one to get his ass kicked out of the deal. The babyfaces clean house, and it spills to the outside, where Savio and Crush brawl up the aisle with Hawk. Ahmed comes over to dump Crush into the crowd, and Johnson goes flying after him with a somersault senton! That was pretty wild. Ahmed whacks Crush with a trashcan, and it's kind of weird that he's spent months wanting to get his hands on Faarooq, and here he is spending all of his time on Crush. Speaking of Faarooq, he takes a nasty piledriver onto an announce table from Animal (with Animal seemingly unsure of how to deliver the move, so they just kind of fall off the table with it in a brutal looking bump), and Animal sprays Faarooq in the eyes with a fire extinguisher. Finally, Johnson goes after Faarooq with a trashcan, and he bodyslams the leader of the Nation through an announce table. See, Animal, that's how you do that shit. The fire extinguisher shots leaving them brawling in a cloud is giving this some cool Apocalypse Now vibes. Savio gets a noose around Ahmed's neck to try and murder him with, but luckily the Nation are pretty inept, and it doesn't get too far. Faarooq tries to hang Hawk, but gets slammed off the middle rope to the floor to block, so Savio beats on Hawk with a nightstick. Meanwhile, Ahmed hits Faarooq with a spinebuster in the ring, but D-lo Brown and PG-13 run in to prevent the Pearl River Plunge. No matter, LOD hit Crush with the Doomsday Device at 10:48. Fun brawl, but not a particularly good match. Like Hart/Austin, this style eventually got really old once the Hardcore division became a thing, but unlike Hart/Austin, this version doesn't hold up on rewatches. * (Original rating: ½*)

Main Event: WWF Title No Disqualification Match: Sycho Sid v Undertaker: Shawn Michaels joins the commentary team for this one, making the longest, most drawn out entrance I've ever seen him make. And that's just to do commentary. What an ego on this guy. The announcers note that Undertaker has never lost at WrestleMania, though 'the streak' was still far from a thing at this point. Bret Hart marches in during the stare down to cut a promo on everyone (including Shawn), but gets dispatched by Sid via Powerbomb. I get that they're trying to cement his heel turn, but it's the main event of WrestleMania, not an episode of RAW. Not to mention that Sid is supposed to be the heel here, and they're just made the entire crowd cheer for him. That's a hallmark of Vince Russo's style there, and one of its weaknesses. Undertaker attacks the champion as officials drag Bret out of the ring, and he hits a corner splash early on. Bodyslam gets the challenger two, so he dives with the ropewalk forearm, but another corner splash gets caught in a bearhug. Mind you, we're only four minutes into the match, and the first three were taken up by the Bret stuff. Undertaker slugs free, so Sid clotheslines him over the top, and shoves him into an announce table. Sid follows for a few drops across the rail before slamming Undertaker onto an announce table, and then adds a trip into the post before rolling his challenger in to cover for two. Sid works a reverse chinlock, and boy, it's really noticeable how much Bret and Shawn were carrying this guy when you watch a bunch of those matches, and then one like this. Ditto for Undertaker after the Mankind matches. Sid with a 2^nd rope axehandle and a powerslam for two, and the champ looks to be spent, moving very slowly between moves, and laboring to complete spots. That's another thing, after months of doing his stuff on smaller guys, suddenly he's got to lift and carry a three hundred pound dude again, and it's taking its toll. Legdrop gets him two, but Undertaker wins a criss cross with a jumping clothesline, and he dumps Sid to the outside. Undertaker follows for a slugfest out there, and Sid eats steps. Inside, Undertaker tries an elbowdrop, but Sid dodges. That allows the champion to work a chinlock, but Undertaker slugs free, and delivers a powerslam for two. Undertaker works a nervehold, but Sid gets offended, and slugs free. Big boot, but Undertaker counters with a clothesline for two. He tries a big boot of his own, but Sid gets the same idea, and we have a double knockout. They totally blew the visual for that spot by not positioning themselves towards the hard camera. Sid recovers first and covers for two, and he dives with an axehandle off the middle. Sid goes to the middle again with a clothesline for two, but another 2^nd rope axehandle is met with a gut punch. Undertaker tries mounting a comeback, bit Sid bodyslams him to cut it off, and the big man decides to go all the way to the top to finish things off, but Undertaker slams him off. Probably for the best. Undertaker goes upstairs with a flying clothesline for two, and it's Tombstone time, but Sid reverses for two. Sloppy one, lucky that didn't result in an injury. Sid decides to dump him to the outside for another brawl, but Bret shows up with a chair, hitting the champion a few times before getting ejected. Oh man, I can't even tell you how annoyed I was with how they were changing Bret's character at the time. With Hart gone again, Undertaker is able to ram the champion into the post, and he rolls him in to hit with the chokeslam for two. Jumping clothesline, but Sid dodges. The champion calls for the Powerbomb, but here's Bret a third time, and he snaps his throat across the top rope. That allows Undertaker to hit the Tombstone, and we have a new champion at 23:50. What a way to kick off his title win. This was a terrible main event in general, but especially for the biggest show of the year. And it was terrible not just from a work rate perspective, as there was little in the way of a feud between them, and it just kind of felt like another match. Also, why the fuck was it twenty four minutes long? ¾* (Original rating: ½*)

BUExperience: One of the least interesting WrestleMania’s ever, with one of the worst excuses for a main event ever… but boy… that Hart/Austin match is good.

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