WWE Elimination Chamber (February 2012)

 

Original Airdate: February 19, 2012

From Milwaukee, Wisconsin; Your Hosts are Michael Cole, Booker T, and Jerry Lawler

Opening WWE Title Elimination Chamber Match: CM Punk v Chris Jericho v Miz v Dolph Ziggler v Kofi Kingston v R-Truth: Punk and Kingston start, and Kofi botches a springboard right away. Shockingly, Punk doesn’t flip out on him, and acts like a professional. They do a reversal sequence that Kofi wins, but Punk blocks the Boom Drop. Punk tries suplexing him onto the platform, but Kofi blocks, and drops Punk onto it. Kofi tries a catapult into the cage, but Punk reverses into a pod, then suplexes him onto the platform to finish his thought from earlier. Ziggler is next in, and grinds Punk’s face against the cage to kick his tenure off. Everyone bumps around and sells until Truth enters the match, to a very subdued reaction. He goes after Ziggler, and hiptosses Dolph over the top, with Ziggler taking a bump on the platford. Truth follows with a slingshot splash on the platform, but Punk puts Truth down, and delivers a flying elbowdrop at 11:41. Ziggler sneaks up on Punk with a rollup for two, but Kofi tosses Ziggler over the top for another bump on the platford. Kofi nails Punk with a kick for two, but an attempt to DDT Ziggler ends in Kingston taking a nasty spinebuster on the platform. Miz is next in, and he runs wild. He ends up getting trapped in the anaconda vice, but Jericho enters the match before Punk can force a submission, and Punk lets off to face off with Chris. Jericho dominates him, but fails to put it away, though he does knock Ziggler out of the match with a codebreaker at 19:18. Kingston dives with a double flying bodypress on Punk and Miz, but ends up in a Liontamer at 25:32. Jericho wants the pleasure of personally kicking Kingston out of the chamber, and while he does so, Punk knocks Jericho out as well, and Jericho is left unconscious following the spill. The officials decide that he’s out since he’s unresponsive, and that’s it for Jericho’s night at 27:16. Punk stays on task with a kick to Miz’s head for two, and a kneesmash in the corner leads to a bulldog for two. Punk tries a springboard flying clothesline, but Miz catches him in a Russian facebuster for two. Punk comes back with the GTS shortly after, however, and that’s enough at 32:36. This was punishingly long. *

WWE Divas Title Match: Beth Phoenix v Tamina Snuka: Beth offers Tamina a chance to forfeit, and ends up getting slapped around for it. Tamina with a big boot for two, and a headbutt leads to a dive, but Beth knocks her off the ropes, with Snuka taking a bump to the floor. Beth follows with mounted punches on the floor, but Tamina beats the count, so Beth welcomes her with an elbowdrop for two. Beth goes to a chinlock, then shifts to a dragon sleeper, but Tamina escapes. Tamina manages a Samoan drop, but a trip to the top again gets blocked, and Beth vertical superplexes her. And then Tamina just makes a comeback anyway. A superkick sets up a flying splash for two, so Tamina goes up for another one, but Beth bails to the outside before she can dive. Tamina drags her back in, but Beth manages to grab her in the Glam Slam at 7:16. Junk. ¼*

World Heavyweight Title Elimination Chamber Match: Daniel Bryan v Big Show v Wade Barrett v Great Khali v Cody Rhodes v Santino Marella: Show and Barrett start, and Show smacks him around. Out to the platform, Wade manages to turn it around, and he bashes Show into the cage a few times, before taking it back into the ring for a bootchoke. Wade works the ankle, but Show manages a vertical suplex for two, and Cody enters the match. Show steamrolls him a bit, so Barrett comes over for an assist, and they manage to put Show down with teamwork. Cody turns on Wade as Santino enters the match, but he does nothing. Just gets beat down pretty quickly. Cody stomps Show down for two, but Show recovers, and starts exacting revenge on fools. Khali is next in, and speaking of wrecking fools, that’s what Khali do! It doesn’t last long, however, as Show spears him at 16:31. Show is feeling his oats, and decides to break Bryan out of his pod early, which sees like a weird way to expend energy, considering Daniel is next into the match anyway. Wouldn’t it make more sense to focus on eliminating the other three guys so you can have Bryan all to yourself in the, like, two minutes until he’s officially in. And, in fact, he still hasn’t even managed to get him out before the buzzer goes anyway. The worst thing about this whole stupid bit is that the other three guys have just disappeared, all napping somewhere as Show dicks around. And then everyone gangs up on Show, and Cody pins him at 22:37. Cody celebrates, but that allows Santino to sneak up with a rollup at 23:04. Cody beats Santino up on the way out, and Barrett looks to polish him off, but Marella hangs tough. And even gets a chant from the crowd! Bryan hits Barrett with a flying headbutt drop, and Santino steals his pin at 30:37. Bryan goes to work on Marella from there, and the crowd continues to stay behind Santino. They’re really feeling him here. Bryan misses a corner dropkick, allowing Santino to cover for two, but Daniel pops up with a double-arm DDT. Flying headbutt drop, but Santino dodges. That allows him to hit the Cobra for two, but Bryan pops up with the Lebell lock as Santino sells the shock of the kick out. Marella valiantly fights, but ultimately taps at 34:03. It’s like they looked at the first one, and went, “hmm… but if only it were longer.” The last few minutes between Bryan and Marella were good, but there was literally thirty minutes of boring shit to get it. ½*

WWE United States Title Match: Jack Swagger v Justin Gabriel: Jack with a takedown into a waistlock right away, but Gabriel fights into the ropes. Jack responds by hammering on the kidneys, but Justin uses speed, sticking and moving. Rana, but Jack counters with a powerbomb, and delivers a pump-splash. Jack works an overhead wristlock from there, but Gabriel fights out, and delivers a jumping forearm. A corner spinheel kick finds the mark, and a flying bodypress gets the challenger two. A dropkick puts Jack on the outsider, and Gabriel is on him with a corkscrew plancha. He rolls the champion in, but then immediately gets trapped in an anklelock at 3:04. ½*

Main Event: Ambulance Match: John Cena v Kane: They spill to the outside right away, and brawl over to the entrance set. They end up at the ambulance less than two minutes after the opening bell, so fingers crossed that this is about to end! I won’t feel ripped off, I swear! Unfortunately, it doesn’t, and they brawl back into the ring. Kane smothers him down with a face clawhold, and he finds a wheelchair to take Cena to the ambulance with. Of all the weird things people have found under the ring over the years, a wheelchair has to take the cake. Cena starts fighting, so Kane smothers him again, but John gets up out of the chair. This match must have been riveting at any senior centers that ordered. They fight over to the audio visual area (which is, like, the crutch of lazy brawling), and then back to ringside, where Cena wallops him with the ring steps. He tries an Attitude Adjustment off the steps, but Kane counters with a chokeslam through the announce table. Kane puts him on a stretcher and wheels him over to the ambulance, but John kicks him off just as he goes to close the last door. Cena slams a door on Kane’s shoulder a few times like they’re in Raging Bull, and then they fight to the roof of the ambulance for no real reason. Cena sends him crashing off with an AA, and he gets Kane into the ambulance at 21:18. Nearly bored me to tears. DUD

BUExperience: Two overlong gimmick matches I don’t care for, some filler, and a weak, no stakes main event? Yeah, this might just be one of my least favorite shows ever. 

DUD