WWE WrestleMania 29 (April 2013)

 

Original Airdate: April 7, 2013

From East Rutherford, New Jersey; Your Hosts are Michael Cole, Jerry Lawler, and John Bradshaw Layfield

Opening Six-Man Tag Team Match: Randy Orton, Big Show, and Sheamus v Dean Ambrose, Roman Reigns, and Seth Rollins: It’s cute seeing Roman Reigns, overwhelmed by the size of the crowd, feeling ‘WrestleMania jitters.’ He starts with Sheamus, and gets dominated. Tag to Orton to put the stomp on Roman, so Reigns passes to Rollins, who Randy takes into the corner for a ten-punch. Tag to Dean, so Sheamus powerslams him for two, and Show tags himself in to have a turn knocking Ambrose around. The Shield manage to get control on Show, of all people, and they cut the ring in half. On Show. Of all people. Sheamus gets the tag and runs wild, and Roseanne Barr the door. The babyfaces cut Show out of the deal (which, frankly is fair, considering he, of all people, lost control), but it ends up backfiring when Reigns spears Orton and Ambrose pins him at 10:33. Yeah, even if Show, of all people, got worked over, you never discount a giant. That’s just stupid. They, of all people, should have known better. Good on them for putting the new guys over here, though. ½*

Mark Henry v Ryback: They measure each other to start, and Henry gets the better of their power showdown. Mark with a running powerslam for one, and he works a bearhug, before clotheslining Ryback over the top. Inside, Henry works a waistlock, and a bodyslam rattles the ring. Back to the bearhug, until Ryback escapes, and powers Henry into a fireman’s carry… only for Mark to topple him for the pin at 8:01. Gosh, who did Ryback piss off? This was basically a squash, with Ryback barely getting anything in. ¼*

WWE Tag Team Title Match: Kane and Daniel Bryan v Dolph Ziggler and Big E Langston: Daniel and Dolph start, and Ziggler messes with his head by kissing AJ Lee, so Bryan messes with his head: by kicking it. Yeah, that’ll do it. Daniel dominates Dolph for a bit, until both guys tag, and Langston gets a showcase by casually hitting Kane with a three-alarm no-release backbreaker. Things quickly break down into a brawl, and Ziggler makes several big ticket efforts to put Kane away, but they fail. He grabs the Money in the Bank briefcase to try braining Kane with it, but misses, and Kane chokeslams him. Tag to Daniel for a flying headbutt drop on Ziggler at 6:17. ¾*

Chris Jericho v Fandango: This is Fandango’s TV debut on the main roster. He does a bunch of dancing to start, and the crowd hates him. Chris tackles him down for mounted punches, then up for chops, so Fandango bails. Jericho chases him back in for more mounted punches, and he drops Fandango front-first across the top rope. Chris with a codebreaker to send Fandango to the outside, and Jericho is on him with a plancha. He tries a springboard dropkick, but Fandango manages to block, and hook the leg for two on the way back in. Fandango with mounted punches of his own, and he works a chinlock from there, but Chris fights free. They criss cross, dominated by Jericho, and Chris dives with a flying axehandle. A Thesz-press sets up more mounted punches, and enough already. Jericho lands an enzuigiri for two, and a flying bodypress gets two. Fandango sends him into the post to buy time, and a reverse STO knocks Chris silly. That allows Fandango to go up with a flying legdrop for two, but a dropkick misses, and Jericho tries for the Walls, but gets blocked. Fandango throws a clothesline, but another trip to the top ends badly when Chris knocks him off. Chris tries a superplex, but Fandango blocks, and dives with another flying legdrop, but misses this time. That allows Chris a Lionsault, but Fandango blocks the Walls again, and hooks an inside cradle at 9:12. *

World Heavyweight Title Match: Alberto Del Rio v Jack Swagger: Jack powers Del Rio into the corner at the bell, but the champ fights him off, and dumps Swagger to the outside to hit with a baseball slide. Del Rio goes to the middle on the way in, but Zeb Colter distracts him, and Jack knocks him off the ropes. Jack unloads in the corner, and a short-clothesline gets the challenger two. Swagger works an overhead wristlock from there, but Del Rio fights him off, and hooks a crucifix for two. Jack cuts him off with a big boot, and a pump-splash gets him two. Del Rio fights him off again, and a superkick gets the champ two. Jack fights back with a belly-to-belly suplex, and he clips Del Rio’s knee to set up an anklelock, but Del Rio quickly escapes. Swagger tries another pump-splash, but Del Rio blocks, and uses a lungblower for two. A German suplex leads to a cross-armbreaker, but Jack counters to a gutwrench powerbomb for two. Jack goes back to the anklelock, but Del Rio counters to the cross-armbreaker to fight it off. Jack counters back to the anklelock, but Del Rio makes the ropes. Jack pulls him off for another one, but Del Rio is still in the ropes. Jack tries another gutwrench, but Del Rio blocks, and throws an enzuigiri to buy time. Del Rio with another enzuigiri for two when Zeb puts Jack in the ropes, so Ricardo goes after him. Unfortunately for Ricardo, he’s more guts than brains, since he’s literally on crutches. That leads to Del Rio going to the outside to save Ricardo, which allows Swagger to recover, and send Del Rio into the barricade. He rolls Del Rio back in, but Del Rio manages to pop off the cross-armbreaker for the win at 10:30. Ten minutes isn’t a short match, but the way this was structured made it feel rushed. * ¾ 

Undertaker v CM Punk: Punk sticks and moves at the bell, frustrating Undertaker. Undertaker gets hold of him and just goes to town, beating him all around the ring, and around ringside. Undertaker with the guillotine legdrop, but the ropewalk forearm gets blocked, and Punk delivers one of his own. Punk with a Russian legsweep for two, and he goes to a keylock, before sending Undertaker to the outside to dive at with a flying axehandle. Back in, Punk delivers a neckbreaker for two, but trying another ropewalk forearm ends badly. Paul Heyman distracts him, allowing Punk to attack, and keep control. Punk with a short-clothesline to set up a flying elbowdrop for two, but Undertaker counters the GTS to a chokeslam for two. Punk manages to throw a spinkick for two, and a clothesline knocks Undertaker over the top. Punk follows to put Undertaker on an announce table out there, and he dives with a flying elbowdrop, though the table fails to break. The one night Undertaker didn’t eat fried chicken before working. The one night. Of all people. Anyway, Undertaker beats the count, so Punk goes to finish him, but Undertaker catches him with the triangle choke. Punk counters to a cradle for two, and he goes for the anaconda vise, but Undertaker powers to a vertical base. Chokeslam, but Punk counters to the GTS - only for Undertaker to rebound with a tombstone for two. Great nearfall there. Undertaker tries a chokeslam, but Heyman distracts him again, and Punk kicks him in the gut. Punk hits a kneesmash in the corner, so Undertaker tries for the powerbomb, but Punk hits him with the urn to block. Cover, count, two. Another great dramatic nearfall. Punk tries for another GTS, but it gets blocked, and a reversal sequence ends in Undertaker planting him with a tombstone for the pin at 22:06. Punk continues to be the most overrated wrestler in the world for me. Seriously, we’re almost at the end of his WWE run here, and other than the Cena match in 2011, I haven’t seen one great performance from him yet. This was long, and aside from a few excellent nearfalls, I found it to be extremely dull. Undertaker also looked really old and broken down out there. ¾*

No Holds Barred Career Threatening Match: Triple H v Brock Lesnar: If HHH loses, he retires. Slugfest to start, which spills out of the ring. HHH gets control by bashing Lesnar’s head into an announce table, but Brock returns the favor. He slams HHH through an announce table, then overhead suplexes him onto the rubble for good measure. Inside, Lesnar with a German suplex for two, and another one for another two. The crowd is surprisingly silent here. Brock with another German for two, so they go to the outside, where Brock gets distracted by Shawn Michaels, allowing HHH to clothesline Lesnar over the rail. Hunter whacks him with a chair at ringside, but Brock manages a bridging German suplex for two on the way back in. He smacks Shawn for good measure, but doing that allows HHH time to recover with a rotating spinebuster. Pedigree, but Brock counters to the F5, so Shawn comes in with a superkick. Brock lets off the F5 to deal with him, which allows HHH to recover again, and Hunter delivers the pedigree for two. HHH grabs a sledgehammer to finish things, but Brock catches him coming with an F5 for two. To the outside, Brock whips HHH into the steps, and Lesnar brings the steps into the ring with him as they go back inside. Brock nails him with it for two, so HHH tries for the pedigree, but Brock counters to the kimura lock. HHH railroads him into the corner to shake it off, but Brock goes back to the hold, so HHH slams him to escape. Brock responds by charging in the corner, but he misses, and HHH throws a low blow. HHH gets his own kimura on, so Paul Heyman comes in with a chair, but Michaels superkicks him to keep him out. Brock is in trouble, but manages to fight to a vertical base in the hold, and drop HHH on the steps to force a break. But then Hunter just latches back on with another kimura, this time on the steps. Lesnar manages to muscle him up for another slam on the steps to break, but HHH gets it on a third time. Brock looks for the same escape, but HHH counters with a DDT on the steps on the way down this time. Great counter in theory, but the execution made it look like Brock just hit his move again, and without the aid of the announcers (who also almost missed it), the crowd didn’t react. Anyway, that allows HHH a pedigree on the steps at 23:57. Another one that left me completely nonplussed, but unlike Undertaker/Punk, the same can be said for the crowd. ½*

The Hall of Fame Class of 2013 (Bruno Sammartino, Mick Foley, Booker T, Trish Stratus, Bob Backlund, and Donald Trump) come out to take a bow, and you can't say this wasn't a star-studded class

Main Event: WWE Title Match: Rock v John Cena: Feeling out process to start, with lots of posturing. Ten minutes in, and that’s about all, with the crowd sitting on their hands. And rightly so. A reversal sequence ends in Rock locking a sharpshooter on, but Cena escapes. He tries the Five Knuckle Shuffle, but misses, and Rock drops him with a DDT. Uranage, but Cena counters to a LeBell lock - hilariously called an ‘STF’ by Cole. Well, it’s been a long night. Rock counters to a cradle for two, so Cena uses a catapult into the corner, and a side suplex-slam follows to set up the Shuffle. Attitude Adjustment, but Rock counters to a spinebuster. People’s Elbow, but Cena counters to the STF. Rock escapes, and delivers the uranage for two. Both stagger up, and Cena lands the AA for two, as the crowd continues to not really care. Cena goes up with a flying rocker dropper, but Rock dodges, and uses a spinebuster to set up the People’s Elbow for two. A reversal sequence ends in Rock hitting the uranage for two, but another People’s is countered with another AA for two. At least this is waking the crowd up. A slugfest ends in Cena reversing a uranage for two, and another reversal sequence goes Rock’s way with a uranage of his own for two. Another reversal sequence sees Rock plant him with a DDT, but an attempt at a uranage gets countered with the AA at 23:58. It got better, in a videogamey sort of way, but man, those first ten minutes were insufferable. The match the year before, which itself wasn’t great, was better. ¾*

BUExperience: Oh man, this is kind of an all-time stinker of a WrestleMania, with a sum total of, like, twenty minutes of decent wrestling (let alone good), and three monumental stinkers at the top of the card. 

DUD