WWF Superstars (March 12, 1994)

Original Airdate: March 12, 1994 (taped February 22)

From Bethlehem, Pennsylvania; Your Hosts are Vince McMahon and Johnny Polo

Tatanka v Brooklyn Brawler: Tatanka’s got his newly acquired feathers here. Meanwhile, Polo has a sound effect machine, since apparently he wants me to stop giving him good reviews here, you know, thirty years after the fact. Irwin R Schyster split screens in here, upset that Tatanka hasn’t paid the gift tax on the new feathers. Tatanka with a Samoan drop to put things away at 2:41. After IRS comes out to personally deliver the appropriate tax forms to Tatanka - which is actually pretty considerate - but Tatanka reacts by ripping them up. To paraphrase Across the Universe, you can rip it up all you want, but you still gotta pay. DUD

Men on a Mission v Todd Mata and Jim Massenger: Polo continues annoying me with his stupid sound machine, which is a shame, since he’s generally been awesome in this role. Meanwhile, WWF Tag Team Champions The Quebecers split screen in, and, of course, Johnny is very excited to see them. MOM with the splash combo at 2:46. You know you’re lazy when you can’t even be bothered to deliver a splash without an assist. DUD

Stan Lane is in the studio with Face to Face, where he questions Jim Cornette and Mr Fuji about whether or not Yokozuna is too fat to defend the WWF Title at WrestleMania. Hey, fair question 

WrestleMania X ad

Shawn Michaels v Mike Moraldo: We get the fan as guest ring announcer deal here, and the little girl they select is taller than the ring announcer. They should have signed her to face Alundra Blayze at WrestleMania! Shawn still hasn’t switched to the broken hearts on his tights yet at this point, so I guess ‘Mania was the actual starting point. Meanwhile, Razor Ramon split screens in for some additional hype, as Shawn puts Moraldo away with a superkick at 2:02. DUD

Backstage, Bastion Booger eats junk food in his underwear. Summer of George!

Todd Pettengill is in the studio for the WrestleMania X Report, and damn it, Alundra officially has a challenger. Sorry, tall girl. You out

Earthquake v Bastion Booger: We get some fat guy posturing to start, and Booger gets control. He ropechokes Earthquake for a bit, and he unloads in the corner, as Adam Bomb split screens in to hype his match with Earthquake for ‘Mania. Did they even bother giving them an issue, or was it just a match for a matches sake? Booger with an avalanche, but Earthquake no-sells, and delivers a powerslam. An elbowdrop follows, and the Earthquake Splash finishes up at 2:34. Oh, this was pretty terrible. But, at least it was short. DUD

Vince brings Bret Hart and Lex Luger out for an in-ring interview, and there’s lots of mutual respect, but neither guy is going to back down. Bret definitely gets the bigger pop from the crowd, though both guys are solidly over 

Sy Sperling imagines what Bam Bam Bigelow would look like with hair. I’d rather have a bald head, even if covered in flame tattoos, than wear a rug. So no sale, Sperling

Owen Hart v Ben Jordan: The fans taunt Owen with a loud ‘we want Bret’ chant, as Polo notes that Jordan is related to Michael Jordan, and is the one who taught him to play baseball. Well, if you’ve got to be known for something. Hart with the Sharpshooter at 2:03. ¼*

Lane is back with Face to Face, and he’s got Shawn Michaels, Diesel, and WWF Intercontinental Champion Razor Ramon. Stan wonders what Razor will do with Shawn’s bogus belt if he wins, which I don’t think they ever actually addressed. They could have at least included some throwaway line after the show about Razor melting it down to make a new chain, or whatever

BUExperience: We’re two weeks from WrestleMania. Everything is awesome.