HITMAN383 Rant for WCW WrestleWar 1991

- The HITMAN383 Rant for WCW WrestleWar 1991. This was requested by a reader, and despite how much I hate this show, I went out and rented it anyway. Where’s my sentimental “awww” anyway? (Yeah, I remember that. I had to go to this out of the way rental place that had a decent selection of WCW tapes to get it from. Good thing the Network didn’t exist back then – I’d probably have never graduated high school if it had)

- This is the Turner Home Video version, BTW.

- BTW, I use this system:
***** - Excellent,
**** - Great,
*** - Good,
**- Okay,
* - Decent,
DUD - Awful.

- Live from Phoenix, Arizona. (In a half empty arena, much like the crowds they were drawing in 2000-2001). (This was written sometime in 2002)

- Your Hosts are Jim Ross and Dusty Rhodes. Dusty proceeds to annoy me 30 seconds into the broadcast. That is NOT a good sign.

- Opening WCW Six-Man Tag Team Title Match: Junkyard Dog, Ricky Morton & Tommy Rich vs. The State Patrol & Big Cat: Oddly, the champs don’t even have BELTS despite being the champs. Oh, wait, it’s WCW. I guess that’s expected. JYD and Big Cat (Mr. Hughes) start, as I start crying. They do nothing more than clotheslines and headbutts, and THAT goes on forever. Morton and Wright tag in, and Ricky wins a nice criss cross sequence. He hits about 150 arm drags, and tags Rich in. He slams the cop, (BTW, who the hell ever thought “state patrol” would be a good gimmick, anyway? Where’s Wrestlecrap?) and Buddy Parker tags in. Rich wins a criss cross with a hip toss, but this crowd is deader than … than … um … well, as dead as it gets. Morton atomic drops with State Patrol guys to pop the crowd, and then ruins EVERYTHING by tagging the Dog back in. Headbutts follow. Big Cat gets back in, and they stand around looking at eachother for a while. A test of strength serves to help NOTHING, as Ross reminds us which one is the JYD and which one is Big Cat. Yeah, because when I see two big, fat black guys G-D knows I can’t tell them apart! Thanks J.R.! Then again, with WCW’s fanbase, maybe they DO need to be reminded. Parker gets back in, and makes the mistake of hammering JYD’s head. Morton gets in, as Dusty and J.R. have a discussion about how the JYD looks like George Forman. Dear G-D (…). Anyway, Ricky Morton is cast as himself, as the heels run through their crap. Leg drops, slams and the usual early 90’s heel offense gets some two counts, as I wonder why Morton is still wearing Rock & Roll Express tights after the breakup. Hey, Marty Jannetty had the same problem, but he can blame drugs and alcohol, so it’s different. Anyway, Morton finally makes the “hot” tag to JYD, who powerslams Parker to allow Morton to get the pin at 9:53. Man, that ending sequence took all of 10 seconds. A little rushed, but I’m not complaining, believe me! The match is technically sound enough to officially earn a *, but it feels like a DUD the whole time.

- Brad Armstrong vs. Bobby Eaton: J.R. lets us know about Armstrong’s brother, who is fighting over in the Gulf War. Why do I mention it? Because his brother is actually the Road Dogg, before he was a “star” in wrestling. Today, you can purchase the Road Dogg on E-Bay for the low, low price of only $5.99! Act now, and receive Billy Gunn for only $2.99! And remember, we DON’T guarantee satisfaction! Getting back to the show, Eaton’s entrance is done REALLY cheaply, as they pipe in a “Bobby” chant, despite the whole building sitting comatose for the whole entrance. Man, 1991 WCW sure did suck, didn’t it? (God, it’s scary to think that so much of this sounds like I’m reading a 2015 WWE review here) Actually, scratch that. Insert this: “Man, WCW sure did suck, didn’t it?” (Oooh, harsh. They had some good times. I really hated it back then, but time has mellowed my opinion, and I miss WCW these days) Eaton jumps him to start, and a criss cross allows Armstrong a head scissors, and a dropkick. They fight over a wristlock, as the crowd continues to just sit there. Brad hits a monkey flip, and hooks a long arm bar. One thing about these sucky matches: they sure are easy to recap! Plus, all the arm bars give me lots of time for smart-ass comments. You won’t find that in Flair/Steamboat matches, or the Hart Brothers fighting eachother. (Ha, true. And still true, as I usually focus on play-by-play for good matches, but need to entertain myself during the crap) Test of strength comes next, as Dusty kisses Eaton’s ass some more. (Not literally, of course) Brad hits a cross body for two, and goes right back into the arm bar. I’m just about ready to kill myself at this point, and I am literally falling asleep. Brad reverses a suplex into one of his own, and does (you guessed it) an arm bar. Bobby hits a clothesline for two, and a backbreaker/powerbomb combo for another two. This building is just EMPTY here, as you can see that only one side has fans (and even that’s half full), and that was probably 30% paper anyway! Chinlock applied by Eaton, as I wonder why two fine wrestlers are having such a shitty match. Bobby hits a slingshot backbreaker for two, and hooks the Sid-style chinlock. The “action” spills to the floor, where Eaton plants Armstrong to the rail. Dusty claims that this action represents what WCW is ALL ABOUT! You can say that again! Back in, Bobby hooks an abdominal stretch (with the ropes, however) as Rhodes claims that an abdominal stretch makes you feel the way you feel after a long day of working out at the gym. And he’d know that, how? Brad comes back with a Russian leg sweep for two, but takes a neckbreaker. Eaton follows with the Alabama Jam (top rope leg drop) for the pin at 12:50. ¾*, but it isn’t even a LITTLE good. It only gets that much because of some sound psychology, and a couple nice spots. Overall, this is a real piece of shit from two good wrestlers. If you do rent this show (and that alone makes me ask WHY?) (You know, I wonder how many people actually ever rented this from that video store? It was a small mom-and-pop place in an out of the way part of town. Most of their customer base was people looking for porn in the days before everyone was online, and because Blockbuster didn’t carry adult titles. I don’t think anyone ever rented any actual movies from there, let alone ten year old wrestling shows) please fast forward through this. Spend the extra thirteen minutes doing ANYTHING else! (This wasn’t really bad at all)

- Buddy Landell vs. Dustin Rhodes: Dusty: “Hey, it’s Ric Flair!” Okay, so he didn’t say that. But you KNOW he was thinking that when he wanted his son to have someone to squash. I mean it’s DUSTY, so you KNOW he wanted a Ric Flair gimmick stealer/look-alike to get beaten by a member of the Rhodes family. Rhodes hits a quick backdrop, and a dropkick gets one. Well, he’s energetic, that’s for sure. Dustin kicks his ass in the corner (with elbows … duh!), and hits a clothesline for two. Arm bar time! Let the smart-ass remarks begin! You know, what the hell is wrong with this ring? It’s freakin’ overly padded, as you can see the heavy padding under the canvas when they walk around. Dumb shit WCW ring makers (…). Rhodes has the same brain as his poppa, as he misses a charge and takes an ass kicking. Dumb ass Rhodes family (…). Many arm bars follow, as Landell doesn’t have much of a moveset, I guess. He eats boot off of a corner charge, however, and clotheslines him to the floor. Quickly (well…) back in, and he hits a bulldog to get the win at 6:15, which felt like twenty minutes. DUD. (Dustin would get a lot better, of course)

- Missy Hyatt wants to make wrestling history by being the first women to go into the men’s dressing room. Stan Hansen chases her out, however. Well that was amusing. You KNOW I was being sarcastic, right?

- Vader vs. Stan Hansen: Gee, Hansen got from the dressing room to the ring quickly, didn’t he? (Well, that’s more because there were two matches cut out for the Home Video release) This is VERY early into Vader’s WCW stint, and he was already the stiffest guy there. He kills Hansen on the ramp to start, but Stan clotheslines him back in. Vader hits a quick (well…) lariat to follow, and nearly commits murder on the canvas with shots to the head. That gets two, and he hits an avalanche in the corner. Elbow drop for two, as we get a look at the amount of chaw that Hansen has covered the ring in. Eww. They fall out for a slugfest (obviously won by Vader), and they go back in so the big man can do the cornered body shots sequence. Hansen hits a side suplex out of no where for two, and elbow drops for two. It heads to the floor again, where they brawl with those cool plastic chairs (HARDCORE!), and the announcers claim it’s the most brutal thing they have ever seen. Dear G-D (…). Vader weakly slams him on the rail, and pummels him, as we get a shot of Vader’s ass, which has a scorpion printed on it. Maybe Vader’s a fortune teller? (Or, maybe he’s showing his allegiance to the famed Black Scorpion?!?!) They continue to go though the motions in this little brawl, and go back inside the ring to continue. The ref. gets bumped, however, and a double DQ results at 6:21. Vader isn’t done yet, so he nails him with a shot from the top to pop the crowd. They continue to brawl for a while, as I nap. DUD. This is before Vader got good, for those wondering. (Uh… what?) Let’s just PLEASE move on! (Again, this wasn’t bad at all)

- WCW United States Title Match: Lex Luger vs. Dan Spivey: Lex is super over as a face, and Spivey … well … isn’t. They wrestle around to start, and Lex hits a backdrop out of the ropes. He hits a series of shoulderblocks and clotheslines, and then a side suplex for two. Lex hammers his challenger, and hits a hip toss. He misses a bodypress, however, and flies from one ring to the next. Cool spot, which was helped by a nice WCW camera angle. Wow, WCW having the camera crew do something RIGHT? I’m shocked! Spivey suplexes him back to that ring, and hits a super stiff, SummerSlam ’97-ish tombstone piledriver for two. Ouch, ouch, ouch. Thank G-D he was okay. A neckbreaker gets two, and a DDT gets another two. A clothesline into the corner gets two, but he misses a second attempt, and Lex rolls him up for two. Dan still has control, however, and kicks at the ribs of the U.S. champ. Lex reverses a suplex, but is unable to capitalize, so Spivey slams him. He follows with a nice elbow from to top rope, but it only earns him two. Neckbreaker for two, and he hooks a mat based head scissors. Gee Spivey, either the neck or the back … make a choice! Big boot for two, and he piledrives him for two. Lex starts no-selling, but gets caught in a belly to belly for two. Dan ruins the flow, however, hooking a chinlock. Damn you Spivey! Lex fights his way out, but gets caught in the X-Pac arm drag. (AKA a ‘Japanese armdrag’) Dan tries a bodypress, but Luger hits a stun gun (a poor one tough), and they have a slugfest. Luger wins that, and hits a 2nd rope clothesline to pop the crowd. Powerslam hits, but Dan pops him in the jaw. A double clothesline out of the ropes puts both men down, and they have a slugfest on the mat, won by Lex, but a double shoulderblock puts both guys down again. Luger recovers, and heads to the top, but Dan catches him to try a slam. He tosses him, but Lex cradles him through for the pin at 12:55. A fine match here, but nothing to write home about. *** ¼. (Interestingly, that was the exact same rating I gave it in the BUExperience)

- Afterwards, Nikita Koloff presents Lex Luger with the new WCW U.S. belt, which looks more like the TV belt they used up until a couple years ago. Anyway, instead of handing it to him, Koloff cracks his head with it, and then takes off all his clothes so he can pose. Gee, that was stupid. Anyway, the feud ended up being Sting vs. Koloff in the end, and led to classics like their Great American Bash 1991 match. Okay, so that match sucked, but whatever.

- WCW World Tag Team Title Match: Doom vs. The Fabulous Freebirds: DDP (The Birds’ manager) goes through a long (and embarrassing) little opening monologue to introduce “Big Daddy Dink” as a new associate to the Freebirds. This is unspeakably stupid. Do you have no shame, Diamond Dallas Page? Hey, at least it wasn’t the “Dink” from 1994 WWF. Just imagine THAT one! The crowd is dead for all the entrances, which is not a good sign. Then again, outside of Lex Luger, they’ve been dead all night, and I can’t exactly blame them. You know, when they got DDP those “Diamond Dolls” couldn’t they spring for GOOD looking girls? I mean COME ON! Then again, Eric Bischoff wasn’t a part of the team yet, so the stripper access was still limited. Doom controls to start, and the Freebirds bail. That’s all you really need to know about the first five minutes of the match or so, showing how great this match is. Ron Simmons (and his MASSIVE ass) was under a year away from being a world titlist/contender, but his heat is pretty non-existent at this point. Then again, it’s WCW. It’s 1991. What am I expecting? Intelligence? Good booking? What was I thinking? Oh, are you wondering why there isn’t much play by play going on here? That’s because there hasn’t been anything to really call yet. That’s how great this match is. Anyway, a big brawl breaks out, and Reed accidentally clocks Simmons with the brass knux, and the Birds get the easy pin at 6:54 to win the titles. Another DUD in the sea of DUD’s here tonight. Afterwards, Doom officially break up, as Reed and Teddy Long beat up Ron Simmons. Yep, I care. Sure. Lots. Isn’t sarcasm just GREAT?!

- Jim and Dusty talk with a little kid who won some contest. He likes Doom, but Ross breaks his heart by rubbing it in that they aren’t a team anymore. Poor kid looks like he wants to cry. I mean, hell, if Dusty Rhodes was standing there rubbing MY shoulders, I’d wanna cry too! (This segment is hilarious)

- Main Event: War Games Match: Ric Flair, Sid Vicious, Barry Windham & Larry Zbyszko vs. Sting, Brian Pillman & The Steiner Brothers: Larry is replacing the injured Arn Anderson here, and Pillman was also hurt at the hands of the Horsemen the night before on WCW Saturday Night. Good enough for me. Pillman and Windham start, as Brian refuses to sit on the outside, despite his injury. He hits a rana early on, and follows with a 2nd rope dropkick. He misses a bodypress, but still hits a low blow. Windham hits the cage, and they do the cheese grater spot to get the first blade job of the match. He follows by biting Barry, so his whole mouth is covered in blood. Gee, he’s like Hannibal Lecter, or something. It’s like that scene in Silence of the Lambs where Hopkins attacks the prison guard and bites his face off. Then again, this IS 1991, so he may have just seen that movie … who knows? Okay, I actually just checked this. The movie came out on Feb. 13 1991, and this show is taking place Feb. 24 1991. Coincidence? I don’t think so! Anyway, Academy Award winners aside, Pillman hits a top rope clothesline, and throws him from one ring to the next, popping the crowd. At least they’re awake for this match. They have a slugfest, which Pillman actually wins, but in comes World Champion Ric Flair, since the heels win the coin toss (well DUH!). Brain kicks HIS ass too, getting nice pops, but they catch him and work the shoulder. (Wait, Bobby Heenan kicked Ric Flair’s ass in a War Games in 1991? I really need to go back and rewatch this show) They do that for the whole period, until Sting comes in for his team. He unloads right on Flair (naturally), and then takes Barry out too. Pillman Barry pair off, as Sting bulldogs the Nature Boy. Windham easily takes the little guy out, and heads for Sting, but Sting no sells everything. He Stinger Splashes Flair, as Zbyszko comes in. Before he can do anything, Sting leaps from one ring to the next, and clotheslines Larry. It doesn’t last, however, as Flair and Zbyszko take it to him, and Windham continues to kill Pillman’s shoulder. Rick Steiner enters next, and takes out both Flair and Windham. This is too formula-like so far. Flair takes the cheese grater, so HE can blade, as Pillman’s shoulder continues to get destroyed. Sid makes the final entry for his team, and goes to work on Steiner. He switches off to Sting, and makes him his bitch. Flair takes his 3rd cheese grater spot in this match … again from Rick (since Steiner can’t DO anything else), so Sid kicks his ass. (What? The Steiners were amazing in 1991! Idiot) Works for me. Scott is the final entrant in the match, and takes Barry and Ric out, to continue to formulate this match. He clotheslines Sid next, as Sting splashes Flair. He hooks the Deathlock on the champ, but Ric manages to escape. Sid then works the shoulder of the little man, all while yelling “squeegee!” at him. They then get creative, as all the faces hook figure fours on all of the heels, in a great spot to get the crowd excited. Dusty: “There’s no way to escape the hold … unless you escape!” Wow, how eloquently put, big guy. (I wish they’d put Dusty on RAW today, and let him just run wild on commentary, with no filter or notes. Come on, you know it would be awesome) The heels take that bit of advice, and escape, but Flair still gets press slammed by Sting, in another nice spot. The heels slowly takes control of the match, and start to take apart the faces, using heel tactics at all times. And Sid? Well, he calls spots on camera at all times. At least he’s doing his part. Sid then goes nuts (well, he’s half there already, really), and powerbombs Pillman in such a fashion that Brian nearly dies six years early. I mean, that’s just crazy! He then DOES IT AGAIN! Dumb shit. El Gigante runs on out (since Pillman is his “little buddy”), and since Gilligan is out, the match is stopped at 22:02 to give the heels the win. I’ve never been a huge fan of the War Games match, but they’ve always been solid, and this is no exception. *** ¼.

- Bottom Line: Eh. Two good matches in Luger/Spivey and the Main Event, but neither are anything to really get excited about. And outside of that, this show is a REAL sleeper, with nothing to catch your attention for the other parts of this two hour event. Trust me, don’t bother.

- Recommendation to Avoid.
(This is actually a decent show)